When it rains...

I'm afraid I'll be on temporary hiatus for a while ya'll - seems my beloved piece of a computer has finally surfed it's last sight. My budget won't allow for a new anything right now, and I am not sure when it will. Somehow blogging from Kinko's is a bit weird.. yeah I know, lol - coming from me that's a stretch.

So what I really came here to say is that I hope you all have the greatest of Holidays, surrounded with the ones you love, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa... did I miss anything?

I am so going to be crawling the walls.. and I am going to miss you more than you know.

Wish you could feel my love..


XOXOXOXO
Scott

Blog of the day

GC Spotlight Magazine Lee Andrew brings us the news international style, the hot photography doesn't hurt either!!

Humble thanks to THIS hottie for an unexpected recogonition!

Winter falls

My love life has ground to a temporary halt as of late, winter is such a drag here in the Motor City. I must be ill or something, hot young men emailing me pictures of their asses and other choice parts, imploring me to come to them have left me cold. There was a time in the not so distant past I would have dashed off to hit that. Something in me has changed.

But more than that things are just too complicated for me right now. The focus for me has shifted to my daughter, and trying to help her navigate through some of life's rapids. So much I want to tell her, yet with all that she is going through it's just not the right time.

Danger Will Robinson

So. The big changes.. I quit the job with Satan, there are some things even the very rich can't afford, my sanity would be one of them. It was time. After plastering the Motor City with my resume, I landed a job in sales with a dealership in the prominent end of town. A bit of a skip from restoring them, but the premise is the same - getting people to spend money big money on cars. This is where the hooker in me gets to spread his uhh "wings". I almost closed my first deal on the floor while waiting to interview, and got the job on the spot. As predicted, the other kids on the floor are not there to play nice.. I can deal.

Satan isn't taking this laying down, and has been blowing up my cell with messages to call him.. for a lot of reasons I should call him back, but my current state of flux has me concerned I will make a poor decision based in greed. I'm human, and he is filthy rich. I've been trying really hard to extricate myself from the situations in my life that aren't working - he is one of them.

I am still adjusting the rest of my life, putting my personal life on hold has really been difficult, but it is the rest of the cost of this move that has me really worried. For the first time in my life I am completely broke.. which by itself is scary, and I have accepted my X's "help", which makes me incredibly uneasy. Nothing comes without strings with her, worse yet she knows I am vulnerable.

I've got the prospect of taking an online relationship to the next level, which has me excited and scared.. Who am I kidding it has me shaking in my boots. I've bared my soul to this one, and if he turned his back on me it's no doubt going to leave a mark. For the men who have stepped in and out of my life, I have managed to keep my heart out of it for the most part. This one is different.

Ever feel like you were hurtling through space at a thousand miles an hour?

Blog of the day

French Benj MMmmm Hot Frenchman with an interesting twist on life and world events. Happy Birthday Benj!... OK slightly belatedly - it was his Birfday when I started this post! Shuddup.

Ruh Roh..

Mariah in clamation sucketh.. so sayeth the kind people of AOL.


Wow.. Tough crowd er wut?

Blog of the day
Echeblog How to describe Marc... Substance and style, places in the heart, places in the world - AND he can COOK! Every once in a while life affords you the rare gift of meeting someone extraordinary.. even if you have never touched.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

I normally really dread the holidays.. and yet this year is different. Instead of sitting here waiting for something evil to run me over, I'm getting ready to turn a page. THAT makes this the day I realized I am really finally free. There is no one here to terrorize me, that's over. I've been trying to let go of a lot of monsters here.. forgive myself for years of guilt over things I had no control of.
My older brother died 3 years ago today.. I still just feel anger when I think about it. But I think today I am going to let that go too.

Big changes are coming.

Blog of the day
Exceptional Mediocrity Kia, what can you say about a Diva who's gaydar is better than yours, her taste in men is impeccable, her style of writing is flawlesly bitchy and funny, and she is connected to every hot queer in DC, Sickening, but in a good way. Be sure and check out her "Hot Assed Mens", you'll see what I mean. This is one of those blogs I read when I am really down.. she always makes me smile.


Speaking of hot assed men.
This guy just turns me on...


I LOVE..THIS VIDEO
It ain't pretty?? Hell it ain't!

Tell me the flash of his belly is not the shit.


It's all there in that sexy smirk, I've seen it before... every morning after.
Note to J.D Fortune... Come to Detroit.. hit me up baby - I won't tell.. I swear!

Blog of the day
E - Brechi another new link, this one totally self serving. Brechi is a total hottie, and reminds me in more ways than one of Med Boy. He is the poster boy for every guy that hits on me, everybody's twentysomething hottie. I don't know why and I don't care, I will simply enjoy that while it lasts. I'm not ashamed of it - college boys are hella fun!

You have to appreciate that these guys fear age, and in places like Manhunt and Gay.com - (your dating/hookup site here), one of the first sentences in their profiles is usually something to the effect "No daddies please" or "don't hit me up if you are over 30", and when they hit me up.. well it just always makes me smile.

Observing from his future..

In his blog he writes of the potential demise of Madonna as the unchallenged queen of music with the sort of melancholy of a guy who is waking up to the idea that time is marching on.. Gwen may have added herself to the picture with some very stellar work, but don't be fooled, Madonna is far from the end of the line. They may move over but they never really step down. Just as Tina Turner could walk onto the stage of ANY Madonna concert and bring them to their knees, Madonna will continue to rule.

My advice to the young and upcoming? Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions, you've yet to learn that not only does life not end at 30.. the really good parts are only just begining. And.. if you are really lucky, years from now, there will be a twenty something grinding up on you on a dance floor, plying you with drinks hoping you'll go home with him later, on your pillow whispering your name, not that an equally hot 40 or 50 something would not be welcome in that spot.

The majority of everything thats hot has rounded the bend to 40. George Clooney 44,Jet Li 42, Bruce Springsteen 55, Johnny Depp 42, Bruce Willis 50, Brad Pitt 41, Mat Dillon 42, Tom Cruise 43, John Stamos 42, Tommy Lee 43, Bonu 45, Benjamin Bratt 42, Peter Gallagher 49, Denzel Washington 50, James Denton 42, Lenny Kravitz 43... and the list goes on.

So the buzz is 40 is the new 30.. I don't want to be 30 again. I never gave away my youth.. it's part of who I am. I think that is as much a gift to some as the gift of poetry, or the ability to sing.. there is a naivete in youth, a willingness to suspend belief, an open channel to throw caution to the wind. It may leave me some day, and when it does MAYBE I will be ready to accept that.

But don't be expecting me to go gently into that good night anytime soon. Madonna and I will continue to flip father time the bird, and defy the rules of nature for some time to come... Trust.

Blog of the day

Dog Poet, "You'll shoot your eye out!" ... I think it everytime he tells a story, thinking that if Ralphy had grown up gay, and wrote a blog, this had to be him. It's the same enthrallment I feel when reading his stuff, when he starts a story.. you just have to keep reading. that link is not the main, rather an example, you can find the rest here, and if you get the chance DO read back.. there is a gift there.

What you take away..

I linked that post because for me it reflects the differences and the similarities.. that ever present search for the place you fit in.. today such confabs are held in text messages sent via internet.. but still the hiarchy remains intact. It's all such a game really - we all have red footie pajamas. For some it was that wacked wire retainer they had to wear to bed, others the zit cream, or some other secret that cements us in a fondly remembered pact of silence.

The funny part is that this is a repeating dance that is ever evolving. We may think we grew past it but we simply trade up the red footie pajamas for something else along the way, be it on the inside or on the outside. Funny - it is that exact level of intimacy that is the very building block of a lasting relationship.. no more waiting to exhale.

One thing remains constant, we are all out looking for "the one",yet he/she can only exist if we let them. That means we have trust them and commit to them - to be the proverbial ying to their yang. Therein lies the dilemma. Most men seem perfectly focused and dedicated .. until you throw a hand full of shiny coins in the air to distract them.

When life changes boys to men, they grow all kinds of armor through the scars they pick up along the way, and no matter how much they want that boy they started out as to come out and play.. he almost never does, those footie pajamas are packed away.

Will Mr. Right kindly tie his footie pajamas around his neck so I can find him?

Blog of the day

diScOmBOBuLAtiOn
As Callen writes about those who "would be the one" you know eventually he will get his man. In the mean time this cutie gets by with the help of his friends, and continues to plot the takeover of the world.. Ok he is starting with the company he works for - quit splitting hairs.

ThursGay Chat..

You know it is time to close the 50 chat screens and go to bed when:

A.) You have 4 guys drunk IMing you.. and they are not only starting to make sense, but you can't keep up.
B.) The guy in chat window 8 just told you he would be back after the new "South Park" episode is over- WTF?
C.) An "Older" man is chatting you up on screen 6 and offering to fly you to his country as his boy toy, and you are checking the Airline departures.
D.) You maxed out 2 free email accounts on Manhunt in between all this.
E.) You are nodding off and forgetting what you said to whom. (this one can be particularily embarrassing)
F.) The guy you logged on to talk to never showed up.

I need a life.

Blog of the day
Good Morning America 23.. Sorry guys I was trying to stay alphabetical, but FJ's cute ass shot just won him a bump to the head of the line.. what can I say, I'm in lust. Shuddup.

Actually there is so much more to FJ than a bangin body.. although DAYUM - it don't hurt! FJ's soul comes across effortlessly in his writing, I don't think there is anything more appealing to me as a reader than a writer who brings you into his emotions, you can feel him. Carefull ya'll - FJ is totally that guy who could steal your heart while you weren't looking.

And other Angels..



Want to support a worthy cause?

Rome Italy- The National Italian Rugby Team composed entirely of firefighters bare all for chairty to help raise money for the USA hurricane Katrina relief stateside, chiefly of the Mississippi Delta region where the photographer Lee Andrew Giabenelli was born.. The champion professional firefighters and ruby players won their divisional gold medal this past July in Quebec, Canada deafeating Australia. The anticipated debut premiere of the teams calendar has taken the city of Rome and the Internet by storm. The Italian fire chiefs are not thrilled about the exploits of the team and have forbidden participation in promoting the calendar in Italy by the teams members. This Italian national rugby team are champions on the field and heroes as first responders in these times that we live.

Not often that you get the opportunity to share your months with some hot hard bodies AND support a great cause! You may purchase the calendar here or here.

Blog of the day
Dantallion's Cannon, a recent find, this guy has the sexiest smile, and the rest is pretty damn hot too!! Lot's to say as well, he definitely falls under the heading of guys that make you think. I love a beautiful mind.

Another fine moment compliments of Dolce & Gabbana..


Something about a hot guy with his legs in the air.

Been working my ass off at the gym the past few weeks -more so than usual, back to twice a day getting ready for another gig at the end of this month. Seems like I pass myself coming and going. Really - it pisses me off that it takes so long to make an inch, why can't we just get full body hard ons? It took forever but after blowing out both elbows I am finally able to curl 50's - ok so the whole time I am curling I want to scream like a girl.

I swear I don't see a difference but the guys tell me I am making progress. The gym is a dismal place in the morning, not much eye candy, which does make it easier to concentrate on the actual work out. YAY. I haven't made a post about the gym in months.. well none that were this dull anyway.

Being grounded sucks the fuzz.

Blog of the day

Cool Relax, Proof that sexy isn't always what your showing. Ray-Ray is SOooooo damn cute!! And those ABS! Shoot!!! You may not ever find a guy more "Mom and apple pie", and I would hate it if that ever changed, not that it ever would. When I read his blog I'm always reassured that good guys are not mythical.. just as usual WAY too far away. Then on the other hand these quiet reserved types are the ones to watch when the lights go down... This guy just makes me smile.

Daddy daycare...
Daughters are the best, even when they are bad. We had a great talk yesterday, not that I am so dimwitted I believe this will never happen again. We are at least clear on the point that she knows what she did was stupid and dangerous. Every year, usually at the beginning of the school year there are stories of young people that drink themselves to death, often vomiting in their sleep and asphyxiating themselves. The numbers aren't huge but even one is too many. Also covered thoroughly, the genetic predisposition to substance abuse that is a clear and present danger.

Yes, by the time the lecture was over she would have promised "World peace" to get me to stop. Sometimes you just have to hope that at least some part of what you said actually stuck. What did stick was that by trying to drink away one problem she simply gained another. Trust is so hard to achieve and so easily lost.

She was out with her older cousin that night, a "good boy" ("M"), who then took her by her other cousins.. the "not so good boy"("J"), who together with his wife("B"), immediately began concocting a story that placed her anywhere but there during the escapade. The idiots actually called "M" while he was standing in my livingroom minutes after I called them demanding to know what it was she was drinking, to set the lies in motion.

I'm no prude, but really, if you mess up be a man and say so. Nothing will push my buttons faster than when someone pisses on my shoes and tells me it is raining. The whole elaborate smoke screen, put into play to keep my X from finding out her sisters kids got Tiffany drunk, would unravel just hours later when this pack of morons managed to pass the truth about what took place along to my X's Mother, who very promptly promised them to keep it hush, then went straight to my X with it. Indeed the apple did not miss hitting a single stick during it's fall from the crazy tree.

Now,all of this came full circle before yours truly had even opened his eyes the following morning. I did not have the option of deciding what to tell my X, the real bottom line is that Tiffany while she may not be an adult, is perfectly capable of making decisions. Clearly bad ones as of late, but none the less - her decision. Granted I would have still been angry had they just come clean, but I am livid with the way this all came down. It's dizzying.

There was one surprise.. my X did not freak out. Instead of dragging this around like a dog with a new bone, she kept her cool and went after the kiddies that perpetrated the all night ignoramus fest. I've waited for 2 days for the other shoe to drop.. maybe this is at last a turn for the better?

Hey it could happen.

All that folderal aside, the girlchild is grounded, and maybe while we are getting through that (because trust me I am now grounded too) I'll find the words, and the moment I need to make the next jump.

Favorite quote of the week:
"I rebuke this in the name of the Lord!" -Marguerite Perrin



..OMFG! Buckle up ya'll the antichrist is here and she wears spandex.

Blog of the day

Chrisafer, the very first blog I read. I think recognition speaks volumes. Had I not stumbled across his page, I doubt I would be here, ruining my reputation 5 times faster via Comcast. Cheeky, witty, snippy, and likely to look like a schoolboy till he is 50.. utterly sickening. I am not an 85 year old woman and even I want to pinch his cheeks.... Through his blog and the links on his page I found the keys to all things every gay man should know, then I went on to screw it up all on my own.. cuz I am cool like that.

Parenting while impaired

I'm not a happy Dad this morning. My daughter, has been going through a rather messy break up with Mr. Bad Habit, (we'll call him BH, even though I have a veritable laundry list of expletives that fit), did something stupid last night that resulted in her naked on the bathroom floor head in toilet. Perhaps dumber still, the idea that I may have lead her there by example, thus giving further credence to the fact that parent's are not perfect.

You can't drink away a boyfriend any faster than you can drink your truck back together. As I sit here reflecting on this, she is cleaning the apartment, no doubt thinking she is going to brown nose her way to freedom... not this time. Though I can't escape the fact that parents do lead by example, and my own culpability is all too obvious.

I had planned to come out to her this weekend, last night in fact.. timing is as they say everything. I'm thinking we have other things to discuss.

Blog of the day

Bratboyschool, ummm, that link is not to his main page.. you can find your way there by clicking HERE, I used the other link for obvious reasons.. HOT beef stew! I don't even care what is in it.. *blinks* Ethan is a proper mix of world events and tasteful exhibitionism.. and Beef Stew. Seriously... what's not to like?

November 10, 1979

Today would have been my 26th anniversary.. Happy 1st non anniversary to me! More importantly - Happy Birthday to Marc!, who was all of 6 years old at the time.. I'm depressed now.

Blog(s) of the day

Bradford, also editor at Queerty ..Hmm think of the gay blogosphere as the "Valley of the Dolls", Bradford would be that bitchy older doll character Helen Larson, played by Susan Hayward, that got her wig tugged off by the boozy pill popping doll Neely Ohara, played by Patty Duke,Toby, of Vividblurry would be a natch for that role no?... eh I forgot where I was going with this and furthermore I am too lazy to cut and paste faces to the stills... use your imagination.

Great lines from the movie - or was it Bradford and Toby Sniping at each other?

The famous Helen Lawson/Neely battle:

Bradford: They kicked you outa Hollywood, so ya come crawling back to Broadway. Well Brooahdway doesn't go for BOOOZE and dope.

Bradford: Get out of my way, I got a man waiting for me!
Toby: Makes a change from the fags you usually hang around with.
Bradford: At least I didn't have to marry one!
Toby (after pulling off Bradford's wig): It's a wig! Her hair's as fake as she is.

Well you get the picture. All kidding aside? Fun stuff.


Went to see Jacquie yesterday, after beating my ass for having kept this secret all this time. We talked, laughed, cried.. then she agreed to get up off my chest. Suddenly this got a little less scary.

Trainer guy at the gym keeps referring to me as "Mr. Pitt" - ok, one time was sorta cute, now it's getting a little disturbing. Trainer guy, if your reading here, a simple hello is cool.

I don't normally comment on politics here, but Detroit did re-elect Kwame Kilpatrick by a narrow margin last night. Anyone attending Superbowl '06, the really HOT party will NOT be at the Mayoral Mansion, will NOT include hookers, strippers, or drugs, and that's final.

Blog of the day

A Wrinkle in Time, ironic how at times aspects of our lives seem to intersect. Sean too uses his blog as the place to vent his inner most thoughts, sometimes it is the things in us that break our hearts that string us together.

The Parents

The thing about parents is that they seem so omniscient when we are little, and it can be so disillusioning when we realize that they really are just simply human - and often flawed. I am forever amazed that people don't have to be licensed to have children, not that something like that would be fool proof for sure.

I can't stay angry with my parents, no matter what. If they decide to disown me, I'll just continue to love them, because much the same as my relationship with my X I just don't know how to hate. I don't want to learn. I don't have the energy to hate, and if I did, I would hope I could find a better way to use it.

My Father is a brilliant man, Doctorates and all. But he was not equipped to be a father.. in fact if he had to test for such a thing he would certainly have had a tough time achieving "window licker" status. He abused because it was what he was shown. My Mother should have been institutionalized when I was 5.. she could not have even taken the test because she would have to have been sober enough to hold the pencil.

It took me a long time to see that they were just a product of what they passed through on the way. They are still together, making each other miserable still after 48 years of marriage. As if marriage is some kind of holy sissy test that will give you better accommodations in the great hereafter. For an educated man, he doth surprise and confound me. Two people can live a lifetime together, have 4 children and still never be a family.

The money - I was raised like every trust fund brat in many respects.. I'm recovering from that, it's sort of like a handicap you never knew you had. I do wish I had planned a little better.. but wishes don't pay the bills. If I never see the inheritance I'll be just fine. It didn't mean anything to me when I had it and it still doesn't. I waited all my life just to have their love, and some things will just never happen no matter what you do.

In the words that say it better than I can;

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for makin' me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for makin' me a fighter

Adendum:
I think all moronic parental activity should be tried before Judge Judy. Muah!

This just in..
Michigan seems to have misplaced 8,000 or so sex offenders, sorta gives ya that warm fuzzy feeling.

Blog of the day

Bill in Exile, whether it is his writing style or the gritty slices of life, these guys are a must read. Closer than brothers for a lot of reasons you can glean from the blog. This month marks the second anniversary of the death of my older brother Craig, of complications arising from his addiction to Heroin. I'm glad Bill is seeing the upside of his circumstances, despite his dreary surroundings. I often ponder that if Craig had been arrested and jailed he might be alive today. Bill will go on to be a remarkable success.. I can just feel it.


Recoil

I've sort of been hiding out since the yahoo conversation with Jacquie.. I know it's silly but I do that from time to time when things get overwhelming. Besides - my truck is busted, I think the oil pump is shot.. and after talking to my X last night I am pretty sure I will walk wherever I need to go rather than ever ask her for another thing.

It just amazes me that I keep letting her suck me back in. During last nights conversation the subject of my coming out came up, I never told her I came out to Jaquie. She said "You aren't seriously thinking about telling the kids.. do you have any idea what this will do to them?" went on to cover all the bases, what people will say.. the wretched jokes the circus folk on her side will be tossing around..

The subject of my parents came up and again she denies telling them but some things you just know.. and no matter if she hasn't they will know. She said I better not do anything stupid or I will be disowned completely.. I couldn't help but wonder exactly how that would change anything from where it is now?

I'm weary of guessing what fresh hell she must have laid on them to make them turn their backs on me again.. although it is really just a testament to the fact they really never knew me to begin with, and certainly they can't have valued me much at all as a son. Why do I continue to let this shit touch me.

She went on to tell me how selfish I was, and that having lived a lie all my life I should shut up at least till the holidays are over.. and then it occurred to me she is really frightened. Once this is out she has lost her power.

I'm going to need to toughen up fast, this next wave is going to be a killer

Blog of the day

Boys will be Boys - Anyone know what happened to him?? The little hottie owes me a lunch.



VH1 I love the 80's 3D.. Hahahaha!! OMG I really did love the 80's. Damn you VH1!

Halloween 1987

My boys.. maybe not so much!! My Grandad either, Black Monday nearly wiped him out.. left him a mere millionair. I loved it.. 87 Cougar Turbocoupe (OMFG I miss that car), Duran Duran hair, and Billy Idol was SOoooo fucking HOT! Well him and a host of other performers.. and Mel Gibson.. *sigh* If you loved the 80's this was a must see - funny stuff.

It had to be today.

Things have been burning in me.. it's time to move this along too much of my life is cut between two world and it has to stop. I have talked about my best friend Jacquie here on many occasions, said that she would be the first one I came out too here in my world. I went to see her today, she still rawks, husband #5 is history - we once again picked up where we left off, shooting the shit over Arabic coffee - which I have to tell you is REALLY REALLY strong.. and thick when you hit the bottom. In all my life she is the one friend that has been right here with me.. she had to be first.

I had to borrow my X's car to get there - which I have to tell you just made me feel dirty all over.. Once I got there I tried several times, and it was like every bad "b" movie ever hatched, everytime I had the words together one of her kids came bouncing in.. so I had like 8 minor heart attacks and then wound up leaving.. but I just couldn't leave it at that, not this time. So I did what I always do - I wrote her.. on yahoo lol. She reminded me why I am so proud to be her friend, and made me totally wonder how she passed typing class.

Me (6:23:05 PM): You there?
jac (6:23:44 PM): hey toots
jac (6:23:45 PM): im here
jac (6:23:47 PM): eating
jac (6:23:48 PM): whats up
Me (6:24:07 PM): Hey babe
Me (6:24:09 PM):
jac (6:24:11 PM): lol
jac (6:24:15 PM): got home ok?
Me (6:24:22 PM): Yeah - ugh
jac(6:24:25 PM): lol
Me (6:24:29 PM): LONG ride lol
jac(6:24:30 PM): where is she?>
jac(6:24:34 PM): the ball and chain?
Me (6:24:40 PM): Who knows - she took the car
jac(6:24:43 PM): hope she is reading this
jac(6:24:44 PM): heheheheheheeheh
jac(6:24:47 PM): awwwwwwww
Me (6:24:47 PM): LMAO!
jac(6:24:50 PM): so u r stuck home?
Me (6:25:03 PM): Yeah temporarily anyway
jac(6:25:09 PM): wheres tiff?
Me (6:25:15 PM): She is here
jac(6:25:23 PM): tell her aunite jacq says hi
jac(6:25:30 PM): kids are going out the door
Me (6:25:33 PM): ok
jac(6:25:34 PM): can u hang on a minute?
Me (6:25:39 PM): She says hi
jac(6:25:43 PM): hi baby girl
Me (6:25:43 PM): sure
jac(6:25:44 PM): miss u
jac(6:25:47 PM): ok brb
Me (6:25:49 PM): k
jac(6:30:35 PM): k
jac(6:30:38 PM): all is quiet here
Me (6:30:41 PM): brb gotta pee
Me (6:30:44 PM): lol
jac(6:30:45 PM): lol
Me (6:33:04 PM):
jac(6:33:07 PM): wb
jac(6:33:22 PM): everything come out ok?
jac(6:33:24 PM): hehehehhe
Me (6:33:27 PM): lmao
Me (6:33:29 PM): Yep
jac(6:33:33 PM): koll
jac(6:33:35 PM): kool
Me (6:33:37 PM): hahah
jac(6:33:39 PM): ur not that old then yet
jac(6:33:39 PM): lol
Me (6:33:47 PM): Hell no hahah
jac(6:33:52 PM): when u have to stand there 20 minutesa
jac(6:33:56 PM): and u get one drop
jac(6:33:57 PM): ur old
jac(6:33:58 PM): lol
Me (6:33:59 PM): LMAO
Me (6:34:06 PM):
jac(6:34:12 PM): so what are ur big plans tonight?
Me (6:34:32 PM): Umm going to the gym with Shaun, then I am not sure
jac(6:34:41 PM): tell the boys i said hi too
Me (6:34:51 PM): I will - they love you
jac(6:34:56 PM): love them all
jac(6:34:58 PM): too much
Me (6:35:20 PM): And I think they love you even more cuz you make N so crazy
Me (6:35:26 PM):
jac(6:35:27 PM): loooooooooooooooool
jac(6:35:33 PM): really she is so stupid
Me (6:35:40 PM): Yeah
Me (6:35:50 PM): Makes me really crazy
jac(6:35:52 PM): it hurst me that she still is this way about me
jac(6:36:03 PM): i have to learn to brush it off
jac(6:36:08 PM): that she is crazy
Me (6:36:17 PM): Well - some things you just can't change
jac(6:36:28 PM): guess i should be happy
jac(6:36:33 PM): she must think im still hot
jac(6:36:34 PM): lol
Me (6:36:41 PM): And the fact is - I always made it clear you and I will always be close
jac(6:36:44 PM):
jac(6:36:50 PM): ya too bad for her
jac(6:37:00 PM): i was never a threat
jac(6:37:09 PM): we are family scottie
jac(6:37:10 PM): always
Me (6:37:11 PM): OK are all the kids out of the room?
jac(6:37:18 PM): ya why?
Me (6:37:23 PM): hehe
jac(6:37:24 PM):
jac(6:37:27 PM): lol
Me (6:37:29 PM): Gah
jac(6:37:36 PM): what u gonna show me now?
jac(6:37:45 PM): they are gone till sunday now
Me (6:37:47 PM): I had something to tell you actually
jac(6:37:52 PM): ok tell away
jac(6:37:55 PM): im all ears
Me (6:37:59 PM): Hahahha
Me (6:38:20 PM): OMG - I wanted to tell you this afternoon but the kids kept coming up
jac(6:38:26 PM): ok
jac(6:38:27 PM): whgat?
jac(6:38:28 PM): tell me
Me (6:38:35 PM): Your going to shit
jac(6:38:38 PM): ok
jac(6:38:40 PM): im ready
jac(6:38:41 PM): what
jac(6:38:43 PM): ur gay?
jac(6:38:45 PM): looooooooooooooooooooool
jac(6:38:50 PM): s;ldkfs;dlkfs;ldfks;'dlkfd;lkf
Me (6:38:52 PM): Um yes.
jac(6:38:55 PM): ;p;
jac(6:38:57 PM): lol
jac(6:38:58 PM): what?
jac(6:39:01 PM): just tell me
Me (6:39:10 PM): Why you just guessed
jac(6:39:14 PM): no
jac(6:39:16 PM): stop
jac(6:39:17 PM): lol
jac(6:39:51 PM): u want N to hear this? that is why i saying this?
Me (6:39:53 PM): Jacquie seriously you can't say a word to anyone yet
jac(6:40:00 PM): scott?
Me (6:40:05 PM): Yes
jac(6:40:10 PM): dont lie
Me (6:40:14 PM): LOL
jac(6:40:25 PM): u know i love u no matter what
jac(6:40:33 PM): but tell me the truth
Me (6:40:34 PM): omg - I knew this shit was going to be hard.
jac(6:40:42 PM): u are serious?
Me (6:40:45 PM): Yes
jac(6:40:49 PM): well
jac(6:40:55 PM): i love u
jac(6:40:57 PM): how is that?
jac(6:41:02 PM): im at a loss of words
Me (6:41:05 PM): I know
jac(6:41:11 PM): i guess it makes some sense
jac(6:41:19 PM): since u never cheated on N
Me (6:41:27 PM): I wanted so much to tell you - I have chickened out every time
jac(6:41:27 PM): but i m a little suprised
jac(6:41:37 PM): how long have u know this baby?
Me (6:41:46 PM): I knew when I was 8
jac(6:42:04 PM): and u never told me?
jac(6:42:09 PM): why not honey?
jac(6:42:11 PM): om,g
Me (6:42:13 PM): I just thought if I tryed really hard - it would all be ok
jac(6:42:20 PM): baby
jac(6:42:24 PM): it is ok
jac(6:42:26 PM): this is who u are
Me (6:42:36 PM): I haven't told the kids yet
jac(6:42:39 PM): but i would have never guessed
Me (6:42:46 PM): I'm fucking terrified
jac(6:42:51 PM): i understand that
jac(6:42:59 PM): i dont know how the boys will react
jac(6:43:02 PM): baby?
jac(6:43:07 PM): have u been with a man?
Me (6:43:07 PM): I know
jac(6:43:11 PM): or u just knwo u are?
Me (6:43:15 PM): Men? lol
jac(6:43:20 PM): ok
jac(6:43:24 PM): just checking
jac(6:43:25 PM): lol
Me (6:43:30 PM): I know
jac(6:43:30 PM): i ahve a sister in law
jac(6:43:32 PM): thinks she is
jac(6:43:36 PM): and has never been with a woman
jac(6:43:42 PM): so i told her how can she really know
jac(6:43:49 PM): baby....i have been with woman
Me (6:44:32 PM): I know - and it was right on the edge of my tongue today, and then you asked me if I ever thought about sleeping with you LOL
jac(6:44:40 PM): lol
jac(6:44:48 PM): scott
jac(6:44:53 PM): i love u no matter what u are
jac(6:44:59 PM): nothing can change this
jac(6:45:04 PM): and the kids should feel the same way
Me (6:45:12 PM): I about shit - then D came up and well - I just didn't want you screaming and scaring the kids lmao
jac(6:45:14 PM): if they love u half as much as i do?
Me (6:45:24 PM): I know
jac(6:45:28 PM): i would never have reacted that way
jac(6:45:38 PM): im ur sister all ur life scott
Me (6:45:45 PM): You Mom is going to have some major issues with this
jac(6:45:45 PM): u should know me better than this
jac(6:45:50 PM): fuck her
jac(6:45:51 PM): lol
Me (6:45:51 PM): I do
Me (6:45:56 PM): I was just scared
jac(6:46:01 PM): scott....u r divorced
jac(6:46:03 PM): over 21
jac(6:46:04 PM): white
jac(6:46:07 PM): its ur life
jac(6:46:13 PM): anyone who cant aceptt this
jac(6:46:15 PM): can fuck off
Me (6:46:20 PM): Anyway N already knows
jac(6:46:24 PM): she does?
jac(6:46:24 PM): omg
jac(6:46:25 PM): omg
jac(6:46:30 PM): and?
Me (6:46:35 PM): When she stole my computer she downloaded my hardrive
jac(6:46:36 PM): she told ur parents?
Me (6:46:42 PM): yep
jac(6:46:47 PM): then that is why
Me (6:46:56 PM): She swears she didn't but I know she must have
jac(6:47:09 PM): and how did she react to this?
Me (6:47:14 PM): you know her - this was prime info
jac(6:47:31 PM): i bet
Me (6:47:37 PM): Actually - she was really understanding.. at least on the surface
jac(6:47:57 PM): yes but she belevieed u?
Me (6:48:05 PM): And she was begging me to just live with her and we will keep this "our little secret"
jac(6:48:16 PM): she knew long tim?
Me (6:48:26 PM): Yeah - well there was a lot of really damning eveidence on this computer
Me (6:48:37 PM): She knew the week I moved out
jac(6:48:42 PM): omg baby
Me (6:48:55 PM): She has been blackmailing me for months
jac(6:49:00 PM): then let her tell
jac(6:49:03 PM): stop this
Me (6:49:13 PM): It makes me so crazy
jac(6:49:29 PM): u cantlive a lie hun
Me (6:49:36 PM): She does it in such a veilled way - honestly I dont know what to think sometimes
Me (6:49:52 PM): And that is also why I dropped the ppo
jac(6:49:59 PM): ???
Me (6:50:03 PM): thats when she hit me with it
Me (6:50:18 PM): She kept saying I know your secret and shit
jac(6:50:39 PM): scott
Me (6:50:39 PM): Honestly jacquie I never ever cheated on that bitch
jac(6:50:47 PM): i belvie u
Me (6:50:51 PM): And she left me wishing I would have
jac(6:50:54 PM): but u must stand up now
jac(6:50:59 PM): and not give her any more power
Me (6:51:11 PM): I know - but omg I am scared
jac(6:51:28 PM): what is the worst that will happen?
Me (6:51:49 PM): I have talked to different people - your Mom, Peter, - and the things they said just cut right through me
jac(6:52:04 PM): abput this?
Me (6:52:21 PM): I also got a load from my little bro while the divorce was going on
Me (6:52:30 PM): I didn't tell them I was
Me (6:52:42 PM): But the subject of gays has come up yeah
jac(6:52:46 PM): well
jac(6:52:55 PM): there is a diff between gays and u
jac(6:52:58 PM): they love u
Me (6:53:00 PM): And I have to say I was really shocked with your Mom
jac(6:53:07 PM): in general most ppl have bad attittude
jac(6:53:14 PM): scott
jac(6:53:19 PM): fuck her
jac(6:53:25 PM): what do u really care what she sayd?
Me (6:53:57 PM): And Peter really surprized me too - it really made me hold back
jac(6:54:17 PM): mo m has been in the art world all her life
jac(6:54:23 PM): she is no stranger to this
Me (6:54:36 PM): Then my little bro reffered to gays as deviates - and that was like a major slap
jac(6:54:53 PM): ppl say things wihout thinking
jac(6:55:03 PM): it doesnt mean they will feel this way when they know
jac(6:55:12 PM): i ahve thought peter was for years
jac(6:55:13 PM): lol
jac(6:55:14 PM): so?
Me (6:55:16 PM): I am just not sure what I will have left at the end of this
jac(6:55:23 PM): me
jac(6:55:26 PM):
Me (6:55:29 PM):
jac(6:55:33 PM): scott
Me (6:55:33 PM): I love you
jac(6:55:37 PM): i lvoe u too
jac(6:55:43 PM): and i will always be here for u
jac(6:55:46 PM): u know
Me (6:55:50 PM): I know
jac(6:55:54 PM): my kids had a hard time wtih gays too
jac(6:55:58 PM): until they met my cousin
jac(6:56:00 PM): fritz
jac(6:56:10 PM): adn pierce told me mom...........
jac(6:56:25 PM): fritz changed my whole out look on gays
jac(6:56:28 PM): fritz cried
Me (6:56:32 PM): Aww
jac(6:56:38 PM): ppl who really love u
jac(6:56:44 PM): will aceppt this
jac(6:56:47 PM): i swear
jac(6:56:53 PM): all u need to worry about
jac(6:56:55 PM): is tiff
jac(6:56:56 PM): ok?
Me (6:57:14 PM): I am just as frightened too that I am taking the only stable figure my kids have had away from them
Me (6:57:37 PM): They are going to think I have gone completely crazy
jac(6:57:59 PM): bay
jac(6:58:00 PM): baby
jac(6:58:07 PM): i cant say that wont happen
jac(6:58:08 PM): but
jac(6:58:14 PM): u must be honest with them
jac(6:58:17 PM): they know u are not nuts
jac(6:58:20 PM): and if u tell them
jac(6:58:25 PM): this has been inside u
jac(6:58:26 PM): all ur life
jac(6:58:30 PM): they will understang
jac(6:58:43 PM): its not soemthing u just decided to do
jac(6:59:36 PM): i think at first the boys will be shocked
jac(6:59:39 PM): but they love u
jac(6:59:47 PM): well
Me (6:59:56 PM): I know
jac(7:00:02 PM): honestly
jac(7:00:10 PM): i would have said u are a ladies man
Me (7:00:26 PM): God Jacquie for the longest time I was
jac(7:00:38 PM): maybe this was to hide the truth
jac(7:00:44 PM): if u have known since 8?
Me (7:00:46 PM): Like I thought if I screwed enough of them it would just go away
jac(7:00:51 PM): maybe
jac(7:01:01 PM): u are sure u dont like woman too?
Me (7:01:08 PM): Yeah - I think a lot of it was a front
Me (7:01:19 PM): Yeah - I'm sure
jac(7:01:22 PM): ok
jac(7:01:25 PM): i mean i like woman
jac(7:01:29 PM): but i know it want men more
jac(7:01:30 PM): lol
jac(7:01:33 PM): for sure
jac(7:01:38 PM): and i do not think i anm gay
jac(7:01:50 PM): god if N gets this
jac(7:01:53 PM): im fucked too
jac(7:01:53 PM): lol
Me (7:02:01 PM): When my marriage went in the toilet - I decided that I was going to live my life my way
jac(7:02:11 PM): scott
Me (7:02:15 PM): hahhaha
jac(7:02:15 PM): just be careful
jac(7:02:21 PM): last thing i need is for u to get scik
Me (7:02:27 PM): I know
jac(7:02:28 PM): roys best firend went this way
Me (7:02:32 PM): I am safe
jac(7:02:37 PM): and its god awful to watch
jac(7:02:59 PM): well...now u have told me
Me (7:03:02 PM): I know - -the first guy I was ever with died in 95 of aids
jac(7:03:03 PM): and i lvoe u more than before
Me (7:03:13 PM):
jac(7:03:17 PM): so u had a man long time ago?
Me (7:03:27 PM): You know you were the first person I had to tell
jac(7:03:29 PM): and now u have a pal to go to the bar with
jac(7:03:29 PM): lol
Me (7:03:36 PM): When I was 13
jac(7:03:38 PM): im honored baby
jac(7:03:46 PM): and a little pissed off
jac(7:03:46 PM): lol
jac(7:03:50 PM): that u waited so long
Me (7:04:00 PM): Aww don't
jac(7:04:02 PM): u should have told me at 16
jac(7:04:06 PM):
Me (7:04:09 PM): I was just terrified
jac(7:04:12 PM): i thought we were close?
jac(7:04:13 PM): lol
Me (7:04:28 PM): I know but Jaquie things were so much different then
jac(7:04:33 PM): scott
jac(7:04:38 PM): i wil never turn my back on u
jac(7:04:38 PM): ok?
jac(7:04:39 PM): never
Me (7:04:52 PM): That means so much to me
jac(7:04:59 PM): adn this doesnt change who u are
jac(7:05:04 PM): not to me or ur kids
jac(7:05:10 PM): adn if u need me to help u
jac(7:05:11 PM): i will
jac(7:05:15 PM): i can be with u
jac(7:05:17 PM): when u tell them
jac(7:05:21 PM): but i think u should
jac(7:05:36 PM): cut N loose baby
jac(7:05:42 PM): set urself free of her
Me (7:05:45 PM): I think I better tell them alone, only because I want their honest reaction
jac(7:05:58 PM): well if u need help
jac(7:05:59 PM): i am here
jac(7:06:06 PM): but i would do it with all three
jac(7:06:12 PM): if u tell one
jac(7:06:15 PM): and they tell the other
jac(7:06:17 PM): not good hun
Me (7:06:17 PM): I don't know what I am going to do if they hate me Jaquie
Me (7:06:22 PM): I'll die
jac(7:06:22 PM): scott
jac(7:06:25 PM): they cant hate u
jac(7:06:26 PM): never
jac(7:06:29 PM): they may get mad
jac(7:06:33 PM): i cant say they wont
jac(7:06:37 PM): but they will come around
jac(7:06:39 PM): ok?
Me (7:06:45 PM): Yeah
jac(7:06:46 PM): they are smart open minded men
jac(7:06:54 PM): but u must tell them
jac(7:06:59 PM): that u knew this all ur life
jac(7:06:59 PM): ok?
jac(7:07:08 PM): be straight about this
Me (7:07:10 PM): Yes
jac(7:07:14 PM): let them know u stayed with N
jac(7:07:15 PM): for them
jac(7:07:20 PM): this will help
Me (7:07:27 PM): I will - they know that anyway
jac(7:07:42 PM): wellthey will know it more nnow
jac(7:07:47 PM): to know how u suffered
Me (7:07:52 PM): Yeah
jac(7:07:54 PM): and what u sacrifced
jac(7:08:10 PM): scott?
Me (7:08:21 PM): You know the sad thing is Jacquie that if she never would have cheated I never would have left
jac(7:08:36 PM): i know baby...she did all this
Me (7:08:46 PM): I would have lived the rest of my life without it
jac(7:08:50 PM): i know
jac(7:08:52 PM): scott?
Me (7:08:56 PM): Yes
jac(7:09:04 PM): dotn ever keep anythign from me agian
jac(7:09:05 PM): ok?
jac(7:09:06 PM): never
Me (7:09:09 PM): I wont
jac(7:09:09 PM): swear it
Me (7:09:13 PM): I swear
jac(7:09:16 PM): ok
jac(7:09:23 PM): and this is not the end of the world
jac(7:09:31 PM): u will feel the weight of the world off u
Me (7:09:34 PM): I was going to tell you last year
jac(7:09:35 PM): once u free urself
jac(7:09:41 PM): i wish u had baby
Me (7:09:47 PM): I know - this has been really killing me
jac(7:09:53 PM): im sure it is
jac(7:09:58 PM): but nothing is worth giving up
jac(7:09:58 PM): ok?
jac(7:09:59 PM): nothing
Me (7:10:04 PM): OK
jac(7:10:06 PM): even if they hate u for awhile
jac(7:10:11 PM): they will get over it
Me (7:10:35 PM): God you have no idea how glad I am to have you
jac(7:10:41 PM): awwwwwwwww
jac(7:10:45 PM): and i am to have u
jac(7:10:51 PM): we stand together
jac(7:10:53 PM): ok?
Me (7:10:55 PM):
jac(7:10:57 PM): i am here
Me (7:10:58 PM): ok
Me (7:11:13 PM): I'm all teary here
jac(7:11:13 PM): just im worried about ur state of mind
jac(7:11:17 PM): i love u
jac(7:11:24 PM): i dont want u thinking in any way
jac(7:11:29 PM): to take ur life scott
jac(7:11:31 PM): nothjing is worth this
jac(7:11:34 PM): promise me
jac(7:11:40 PM): i know u scott
Me (7:11:40 PM): I wont.. I promise
Me (7:11:59 PM): As long as I know I have somewhere to run if this all falls apart
jac(7:12:05 PM): if u can live with n all these years
jac(7:12:09 PM): and not kill urself
jac(7:12:15 PM): u can live thru this
jac(7:12:15 PM): lol
Me (7:12:19 PM): LOL
Me (7:12:23 PM): Good point
jac(7:12:23 PM): u have my home
jac(7:12:26 PM): and my arms
jac(7:12:26 PM): always
jac(7:12:41 PM): adn let me tell u somthing
jac(7:12:44 PM): very clearly
jac(7:12:45 PM): ok?
Me (7:12:55 PM): k
jac(7:13:03 PM): if u do soemthing
jac(7:13:05 PM): stupid
jac(7:13:07 PM): and selfish
jac(7:13:15 PM): u will make the kids live fucked up more
jac(7:13:19 PM): and u will leave them
jac(7:13:27 PM): with only the crack whore
jac(7:13:29 PM): u want this?
jac(7:13:40 PM): they need u
jac(7:13:43 PM): they still need u
Me (7:13:45 PM): I know
jac(7:13:47 PM): gay or no gay
jac(7:13:48 PM): ok?
jac(7:13:59 PM): better gay then dead and with only N
Me (7:14:08 PM): And this has had me so fucked up for this past year I have just frozen Jacquie
jac(7:14:17 PM): no more
jac(7:14:22 PM): its time to be free scott
jac(7:14:27 PM): adn the first step
jac(7:14:28 PM): was now
jac(7:14:29 PM): telling me
jac(7:14:30 PM): ok?
jac(7:14:36 PM): baby steps

We chatted for a while after, they say you can never go home.. but for me she was always home, and yes you can go back.

Blog of the day

Ajax in the City is one of my shiny new links, and with an almost poetic writing style he leaves you craving Greek. Besides, anyone who can think on the fly when dispensing sage advise to good friends is always a valuable asset! Olive oil eh?

Things that made me giggle today..
I was reading that there may be a "Real World" Detroit in the mix, I don't usually follow this stuff but this should be good.. I wonder what the producers will do when cast mates start calling in bored? Oh I suppose if you got drunk enough anyplace might be fun.. better clear some space at Cassa Del Betty - or at least be ready to catch the castmates when they start flinging themselves off of buildings.

Hilarious.. given my inexplicable gravitational pull to guys of college age, I could be MTV's next blur!! HAHAHAHA!!! Yikes. Tell me THAT would not be bloody good fun. Still it might distract from the boredom! Course they would have to have a second blur team to keep my X covered... It would definitely change the face of reality television forever!!

I am predicting a bigger than ever amount of in house squabbling, as this area pretty much flatlines at the stroke of midnight, and the only other action they may find save the club scene, an occasional car jacking, and getting the tires and wheels replaced on their cars, will be the traffic barricade gauntlet- and trust if that doesn't have them ready to kill each other nothing will.

I think I have lived here way too long.

Blog of the day-

What you thought it was an idol threat?

Addaboy "A good friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend is sitting in the cell with you going, 'that was awesome!'"

Hahaha! Straight from his profile ya just gotta like this one. He took down his pics dammit(Boo!)but I have a photographic memory where cute guys are concerned and this one is 2 thumbs up. Addaboy was one of my first blogging addictions, anybody that gets as much ass as he does belongs at the top of my list hehehe! I need to get his recipe for dragging straight guys out of the closet.. he has to have set some kind of deflowering record. At any rate - he is brilliantly funny, and well worth the read.

Happy Halloween!!

I love scary movies.. not slasher, entrails all over type movies - but the classic nail biter style scary. When I was a kid we had a Saturday afternoon show here in Detroit called "Sir Graves Ghastly", I watched this show religiously. He was sort of a "Count Chocula" style host, and they played scary movies.. the cool ones, The Mummy, The werewolf - you know, the golden oldies.. and no I don't care if I am dating myself here.

My Mother made me keep her old hope chest in my room, and after seeing Dracula I once stabbed the contents of that chest repeatedly with a vary large very sharp knife, I think her Dolly suffered multiple stab wounds.. along with her wedding gown and a shitton of 50's couture that she had stored away after she married.. sorry Mom. No, she doesn't know.

Halloween has always been my favorite, and I always made my kids costumes.. some of them were really a riot. Christopher was always my favorite crash dummy hehehe. At age 2 Christopher looked exactly like a Cabbage Patch Kid, so it was a no brainer to run to the corner market and grab 3 large heads of cabbage and some twine, stringing it to him till he was covered in the smelly stuff, turning the leaves up around his head.. it was PERFECT!

When he was 12, Edward scissors Hands was his favorite character.. and as luck would have it Christophers hair was sort of long and shaggy then so it was again a perfect choice. Once sprayed black and spikey, clown white and black shadowing - some latex scars and a dash of fake blood here n there, I strung real scissors to a pair of black leather gloves.. and Voila! Now.. there was one small glitch. Nobody (me) ever considered that the poor boy may have to pee. The consummate perfectionist, he was afraid his chest strings would get messed up - so he held it for more than 4 hours while trick or treating! What a man.

When Tiffany was 10 she was cat woman. He Aunt sacrificed her black leather coat and I made a costume that was a perfect knock off of the one Michelle Pfeiffer wore, complete with Dominatrix Whip (Don't ask haha) Everything was great till she cracked it on a friend.

Halloween for me has always been fun, time for good friends, time with my kids.. the things that count.

Happy Halloween!

Missing your 15 minutes of fame.


I went to check my stat counter because unless I am loosing my mind my Blog hits went through the roof and I was clueless as to why. E-mails popping in from a lot of really sweet people, I had to rule out anything evil perpetrated by my X. After hopping a couple links.. OK hahaha it took me a while but I finally found the source of my sudden popularity!

Dan Renzi of How was your day, Dan?
One of my favorite reads gave me a really sweet nod. I'm truly humbled.

It made me think about what I look for in my reading.. Sometimes it is people who make me think. Dan is definitely one of those guys. I love wit with a twist, Dan is always seamless. I find the insight this guy has at such a young age really remarkable, and yes of course he is obviously a hunk hehe.

It's people who take me there, guys like Damon, at Naked City Boys, who mixes life's experiences with hot details, and for however long your visiting, you are propelled into his world, whether it's what he had to say that day or the sight of him doing what he enjoys - putting that dirty grin on guys faces, I never leave his page without a smile. The fact that he and his mate Hunter, of Not that Boy, are both scantlessly hot and exacting their just revenge on the world in the best form possible - being happy, makes it all the better.. Rock on boys!

I can't write about everyone in one sitting.. my attention span isn't that great LOL! So instead I think each week till I hit the end I will give ya one from my list of "Notable People", which I will also be updating.

At any rate - welcome to my world new readers! Pull up a chair, grab a coffee or a stiff drink and prepare to be dazzled with my inane ability to make the same mistake a thousand times.

Squished Cat

It occurred to me this morning when I was chatting with "J", that my relationship with my X reminds me very much of one of those cute pictures you see of the child squeezing the cat -

Usually the cat looks like he is on the brink of death - or ready to scratch the kids eyes out, - or sometimes he has wiggled his way out to the point he is upside down and being squeezed nearly in half (ouch) or sometimes he just looks humiliated, no matter what it is clear he wants to get away.. but that child has big plans for him and even if he manages to wiggle free that child will turn over Heaven and Earth to find that cat and squeeze him again.

The cat would be perfectly content to simply visit with the silly child from time to time, but that is never enough for the kid.

My daughter is going through a tough time right now. She is learning about heartbreak for the first time, breaking up with the first boy she ever gave her heart to. They were together for 10 months - which was 9 months and 30 days too long as far as I am concerned. But then I am her Dad and no boy will ever meet my standards.

But this one was particularly disturbing, as he mirrored far too many of my X's behaviors, often holding on to her with guilt and manipulation. I have seen this recur in the relationships of my other kids as well at times and it makes me wonder if I did the right thing at all by staying with my X for as long as I did. I didn't do a very good job of setting an example.

Even now - I am trying so hard to make this OK, - trying to salvage at least a friendship with my X.. but it leaves the door open to so many other things that it makes my head swim sometimes. It is hard to play by the rules when the other party keeps trying to rewrite them.

I have always looked at her as this tragic figure, who loves but does not know how to express it without squeezing you in half. I want so much to believe that all the insane chaotic behavior is her way of showing she cares in some weird twisted way. It's like she was born without a natural mechanism for simply saying I love you. Some argue that I am giving her too much credit, that I am in denial and can't accept what is obviously the truth.. she is just mean and twisted.

She has been dogging my poor daughter for 2 weeks now, shadowing her every move. She blows up my phone with details of supposed plans of my daughter's to meet her X - or re-attach to him, and it is quite frankly just wearing me out. My daughter thinks it is just my X's arcane way of trying to plant herself back into my life, and says my X doesn't care at all what is happening with her - it is all just a ploy.

Maybe she is right, but why do I pray so much that she is wrong, what is it in me that needs to believe my X is not that dreadful a person? Maybe it is just too hard for me to accept that I spent half a lifetime living with a monster.

This morning I woke to a fierce banging on my window, it was my X - demanding I buzz her in. Another 20 minutes of her ranting on about the fact I am blind to everything my daughter is "up too", and I am ordering her out of my apartment.

Sometimes, no matter how desperately you want things to work out, to JUST be alright, they never really will be. You would think given my vast experience with crazy, I would have learned that often crazy is forever.

Sometimes the cat really needs to just run the fuck away.

Time
Sometimes.. when it all got too heavy, as a child I went to a place in my head, crawling up on the veranda of a huge old house in the middle of a field of tall grass and wildflowers. No matter where I was - sitting watching my mother knock back the valium with a tall glass of vodka - or listening to her and my father fight, It took me out of the frey to a place none of it could touch me.

That veranda got a lot of use over the years. I still go there.

I've talked about my suicide attempt(s) here before. Despair is a powerful moment, and when your in it, it can sweep you away. When I was a kid I always looked as suicide as a cowards way out, at 15 when my friend Danny killed himself in the garage of his mother's house, I was furious. How could he just give it all away? I never thought about the pain he must have been in inside. I wouldn't understand that for years.

What Danny didn't believe was that life could change, and that no matter how dark and desperate things get, there is always hope that tomorrow could change everything. Years later, I almost forgot that too. I lost my way to that house. It is hard to grasp sometimes, when what you see is your world crashing in around you.. the weight of things seems so great your heart will burst if you have to endure another minute.

Looking back now - I know what Danny felt, that despair.. I still feel it from time to time. Suicide is the end of hope for all time. The insidious thing about it is that you don't know when someone has given up hope. More often than not they conceal it well.

Life turns on a dime sometimes, and it may often take everything you have to hold on.. but if you do remarkable things can happen.

BANG. 45

I love you guys.. you know who you are. I spent the first night of my birthday weekend good and smashed. No not because I was turning 45.. just checked the mirror that painting in the attic is still doing it's job hahah! Nnnooooo!! I was happily buzzing along down the left turn lane past the row of parked traffic to my right, when suddenly Evil Birthday Wreckerman (EBW) who is in his huge assed OJ sinister rolling roadblock (Ford Bronco) decides to make a last second pit stop at the party store and hooks a left from the right lane in front of me.

Given the fact he has done so not 20 feet in front of me and I am at a good 30 mile an hour roll I nailed him good, even after having locked up my wheels tires burning all the way (My ABS has been out since my X tried killing me) I SO HATE the sound of two vehicles connecting. He hobbles off to his destination (the party store) and I grind my poor smashed Exploder to a halt behind him.. I got out - took one look at my truck and the best I could come up with was "What the FUCK were you thinking???!!!" His reply "Come an man, you know you were coming too fast" I'm like oh hell no.

I then did what any REALLY upset queer does, having just pulled the full coverage off his beloved bright red baby, sat down back against a lightpole and cried. At this point EBW is worried - "Are you alright man?" he was clearly feeling the weight of his evil misdeed.. (as if) We trade info while the cops are coming which I have to tell you in the Detroit burbs during rush hour is a lot like waiting for stupidity to be cured.

I get back in my crumpled chariot - which now makes an utterly dreadful racket due to the new location of the bumper.. wrapped snugly around the right front tire. Then the tears really pour. I know it is really dumb but I love my truck, maybe because like me it has been beaten like no other and crawled back from the edge of oblivion..(This thing had survived three rollovers) maybe because of the blood sweat and tears I had in it, reviving it to put it back on the road. Maybe it's because it was all I had left when I rolled away from my X, almost like it was forged just for that job. Maybe it's because every guy I have ever dated hates it.. it is apparently de-classe to drive domestic. Or it could be the reality that I really did not need this.

So I rolled it into a parking space facing the field across from it's normal spot - poor baby didn't do anything but I just could not handle looking at it. I then toddled over to the local "I have wrecked my truck and had a REALLY really bad day" place, and proceded to get completely blitzed on Long Island Iced Teas. Somewhere along the line I took my last valium, and then came home and started drunk dialing the sparkly people while drinking pucker fuckers. OK I called my crunch because really, who else would listen to a drunken homo cry in his pucker fuckers?

I woke up the next day looking positively scary - quick shower and dark glasses, off to face the last few days of 44 quietly, it was a big year.

I cut a deal on a used Range Rover through a friend of mine,although I won't get it till next month. Oh I am still fixing my baby.. I can't just let it go, not like this. But it will take time and money - and I can barter my painting services against the price of the Rover. Ironically he is the same one that sold me the Exploder.. Maybe I should have the Pope sprinkle it with holy water before I drive it? Yeah that'll work.

Straight guys have been saying strange things to me all week.

There has to be some atrological anomaly taking place right now. I am back at my friends shop as of Monday, bailing him out on a custom finish. His guys are really the coolest, all supposedly straight but his painter, a married twinkish guy of 26, flirts with me like no other. "I missed seeing your hot ass here all the time" "Scott you have to quit wearing those jeans I won't get anything done" These are things every straight guy says right? Seriously, straight guys really are SO GAY!

The next day, the subject of my birthday came up.. my buddy can never keep his mouth shut, his other painter tells me that the 20 year old porter thought I was 25, hahaha - give that boy a FAT raise! And glasses. Wierder still,last night at the gym, the new trainer comes up and gets on the elliptical next to mine and says "Hello and how is Mr. Pitt this evening?" Funny how life strokes your ego when you least expect it... and probably most need it. Although that last one got me very flustered, the only other place I have ever been hit with a line like that was online, having already been approached twice in public as a result of my online shenanigans - I blushed and waited for the other shoe to drop - it never did.

I've heard other bloggers write about being approached publicly, and I always wondered what my reaction would be, thought for a second last night I was about to find out... I don't think I handled it very well, he followed me from point to point through my workout and at one point I was so distracted I actually forgot what year Jaguar Satan just acquired. But hey my head didn't explode, and truthfully it doesn't matter. Some strengths I am building have nothing to do with the gym.

I am apparently also the master of disheveled dating.. I have managed to make dates with 2 actors, both hot, both sweet and both here at the same time. This was not supposed to happen - how the hell did I know they were both in the same production!Gah!

Then if all of this wasn't too much already for my feeble mind to keep up on, there is an affair of the heart brewing on the other side of the continent with sweet "J", who is trapped in the middle of nowhere, and "P" has been hitting me up as fast as I can dodge him. His timing is as usual flawless, he crooks his finger and I always come running.. not this time. Once again running before he can run from me.

Dear gawd, I am the runaway boyfriend.

23 Years of shit eating grins..

Happy Birthday Christopher!!

My youngest son is 23 today.. this one never fails to make me smile. Memories of him at the age of 5, he looked like a blond haired Cambodian, spindly little legs and arms with a little pot belly, every icecream he ate would be trailing down his belly and into his underwear. What seems to stick for me most, this boy had amazing comic timing, and the deepest raspy voice I have ever heard eek out of a five year old. Huge brown eyes that seemed to smile at you even when he was cross.. which was almost never.

In his Kindergarten play, he was a prairie creature. I had worked with him for weeks on his lines - he laughed at me every night, said it was a dumb play and there was no way he was going to do it. I of course explained that the universe would grind to a halt if he didn't do his part.. he laughed at me. *sigh*

So the day of the play comes along and he stands there on stage, silently grinning ear to ear, staring straight at me arms folded in defiance.. motionless. I gesture to him with my hands to speak - adding the evil shaking finger routine that NEVER works, he starts to mimic me - laughing all the while. I make a choking motion - as if to feign that if he does not do his part I will of course choke him - he gets a shit eating grin on his face and mimics that as well, for a second faking near death - adding a full body wreathing death.. and now he is giggling and snorting so hard, his 2 buddies next to him are no longer doing their parts but watching the two of us in the gesture battle.. this spreads down the row of prairie creatures like wildfire.. he has the entire audience roaring as well, although for a second they had no idea why, outside the sheer caustic laughter that Christopher was caught up in, that seemed to be taking over the scene. In seconds - their eyes followed his to me, and caught me doing the choking thing, at which point when Christopher sees that they have flat out busted me - he points at me - and the next thing I know he is literally rolling on the stage in laughter.... Seriously - at this point I was in tears I was laughing so hard.. luckily so was the audience. I worship this kid.. That was actually the highlight of the play that year - even his teacher gave it 2 thumbs up.

A scrapper with "David Spade" humor and a bull headed, determined, nature that even makes me cringe. Right from the start this one had to be different, in kindergarten he insisted that since I cut his older brother Ryan's hair in mini blinds - (lol shuddup) that he HAD to have the "Batman" insignia shaved into the sides of his head.. well - his hair was so blonde in order for it to show up I had to color it in with marker! Hahhaha!

He was positively beaming when he got to school that day, my job as super cool Dad was done. Then I got a call at work from the principal, asking that I please NEVER color his head again.. seems the rest of the class thought it was cool too and decided to try it out themselves.. oof.

This one was my sidekick through many a side job, one summer, he couldn't have been more than 6, I was doing a 66 T-bird- going hard custom for a European tour, shaved door handles & locks, yadda yadda yadda - he sat beside me the whole time, sneaking the used sand paper and sanding down an old bike frame that had been sitting on the side of the garage for years. The kid had that thing looking like a Delorean - there wasn't a fleck of paint or rust anywhere.

When we went to paint it I ordered him his own little respirator, hung the bike from a tree, put my paint gun in his hand and picked him up so he could reach it to paint it- Porsche Red. Of course once he went in to clean up I finished it in a little.. I took him to Toys R Us and he picked out a Zebra skin seat and pads, chopper style hand grips, and mud tires.. this bike cost me a fortune, but the look on his face was worth every cent.

This one.. always pushing the envelope, setting things on fire, you know the usual kid stuff. The little league games with ice fights in the hotel rooms at the away games, his 93 Probe that used to throw up a smoke screen that James Bond would have envied, the occasional "mooning" of the wretched neighbor lady across the street.. and the most disgusting farts in human history, visited on the unsuspecting house guests (his 6 buddies)- touching off wrestling matches that destroyed 2 livingroom sets and a fortune in crystal by the time he graduated..

At 23, still beside me.. he's been working out with me at the gym the past few weeks, getting over a split with a girl he was with for the past 3 years, one who was WAY too much like the gal that married dear old Dad. Still the same tenacity - the same wry humor, and thanks to the protein shakes - farts that have exceeded the state's safe allowable methane limits. He is intent to catch up to me, and I have no doubt he will. When I look at him, listen to him.. I am somehow reassured that I really did do it right.

When he hugs me goodbye every night I am sure I did.

So Happy Birthday son, I am so proud to be your Dad.

Fashion forward...

You just have to love Dolce & Gabanna...




Fashion may elude me from time to time.. I totally don't get the whole "Annie Hall on a shortbus" look that some designers are running with this season, but dayum, nothing like a nice pair of ... jeans.

Wake me up when September ends..

Part of growth is learning what to leave behind. This would seemingly be an easy task, nobody would deliberatly carry around things that hurt them. Yet I have.. and it sometimes wears me out trying to figure out how to put it all away, maybe I never will.

I look back over the past few years, and there are so many things I am dragging along behind me it has really been bittersweet. I have found so many new friends, had so many things to be really thankfull for. There are times when I think it would be great to have someone erase my memory.. just to make things less crowded in my head, and other times when even painfull memories serve to remind me how really precious it has all been.

I've spoken briefly about one of those memories here from time to time, but never really went in depth because just the thought would make me cry. Still, every year as the colors in the leaves here begin to change it rushes back to me.

At 12:34 PM September 12th, 2000, my daughter Sabrina was born. I saw her for all of 30 seconds before the NICU team descended to wrap her in life support.. She was the single most beautiful thing I have seen in my life, before or since that 30 seconds.

For days before she arrived the members of the NICU were in and out of the suite my X occupied - laying in decline, saturated with drugs and steroids to build the baby's lungs and keep her from going in to labor - because every day counted. By the time she was born my X had been on the drugs for 3 days.

Three days was plenty of time to reflect on the events that lead us to that moment.. from the time she told me she was pregnant, my anger and resentment was extreme. I was convinced that this child was her bf's as she and I had not had sex but one drunken night after attending a wedding 5 months prior. I was certain I was not the father.

My daughter was only 11 at the time, and the idea of putting her through the humiliation of even the notion that my X was unfaithful, let alone the reality, was more than I could wrap my mind around. With all that had taken place, and at that time my X's affair had trailed on for more than 5 years, I managed to keep my daughter from ever having known about it.

Things were at an all time height of stress between us at that point, my X had been a very busy girl for months, she had been funneling money out of my accounts well into the near 6 figure range, hiding bank statements, hiding unpaid bills, and generally constructing the end of our relationship. My business had taken off, I was up to my pits in work and oblivious to what she had been up too. It all came to a head at the photography studio my youngest son had his senior pictures done at.

He was supposed to pick them up, and I got a call from him telling me that the check I had sent the week prior had bounced.. which was preposterous given the money that was in the account.. or so I thought. I told him to go home, that I would pick them up. That touched off a sequence of events, hours on the phone with my bank, my attorney, and ultimately wrapped in the lobby of the photography studio. I was livid.. the amounts were staggering, I went down to pay off the pictures. I remember picturing my hands around my X's throat.

On the drive to the gallery I had plenty of time to relive the past few years.. the thought she had once again pushed the level of betrayal to a new high made me want to just explode. I phoned my attorney enroute and told him to draft separation papers, called my secretary and told her to reschedule everything for the next few days.. it was over, this was it.

I got to the counter at the gallery and paid the invoice, standing there looking at the happy faces that adorned the walls was enough to make me want to vomit. My mind shifted to every picture I posed for with "N" over the time since the affair started - the plastic smile I had formulated to cover the humiliation.. I wondered how many of those portraits on the wall were real.

While I was waiting, I saw the reflection of "N's" car pulling up outside.. I seriously thought I was going to have a stroke my blood pressure spiked so fast. She ambled in the door all pie eyed and innocent, like a thousand times before. She put her hand on my waist and I pulled away and glared at her.. "You need to leave here before I say something evil that will embarrass us both." I said in a very restrained tone.. "What?" was her reply. I snapped. "Listen very closely, because I won't be repeating myself.. get out of here - go home and pack your things, it was bad enough that you have been fucking him for the past 5 years, but now you've brought him home, you've embarrassed our son, you've robbed me for the last time.. get out of here now before I make a scene you will never forget." She looked down at the ground, and went out the door.

The girl handed me the envelope and receipt - I was shaking I was so furious. When I got out the door my X motioned me over to her car.. "Get in and talk to me - then I will leave or do whatever you want." I got in. I don't even remember what the preamble was.. she was talking but it was as if the blood rushing to my head had deafened me. Then came the words "I'm pregnant." I just exploded.. "You fucking SLUT! You can't be serious! And what I am supposed to believe this is mine??!!" It must have been loud - people were staring..

What followed was an hour long argument on her part insisting that it was mine, that she hadn't been seeing him at the time that the baby was conceived - it fell on deaf ears. The money. She tried to argue she had helped her Mother out who had fallen behind on her Mortgage.. Yawed, yadda, yadda. This would later prove to be the absolute bullshit I suspected it was - I had been playing sugar daddy to her bf.

I left there that day and drove straight to my Father's - I was just out of my head, and for some silly reason I thought I needed him. He was as usual worried about appearances, and insisted I think before throwing her to the curb. Later that night I went to the Park I used to go to as a kid.. still that little kid - I got very drunk, cursed God, and demanded he strike both my X and this child dead. I was mad at the world..

That night I ordered her out of our room.. barfed all over the bathroom and fell asleep at the foot of my bed. We didn't speak for weeks. I was thoroughly convinced she had done this on purpose hoping to guaranty she would hold on to me indefinitely. I worked well into the night at the shop to avoid seeing her at all. A month later she demands to know what I want her to do.. somewhat stupified at the implications - I told her she had better plan on raising this one alone if a paternity test did not guaranty I was the father. Then came the task of telling everyone she was pregnant.. keep in mind we were 40, and even in optimal circumstances this would be at best shocking for most who knew us - let alone the kids.

My sons were grossed out by the prospect we had sex - my daughter cried because she was no longer going to be the baby - then flipped to ecstatic because she would finally be a big sister.. the peripheral shock was as expected. When people conceive that late in the game it is always pretty well understood that it wasn't intentional, and congratulate with sympathy.

On the surface it was all about trying to make it ok with everyone around us.. all the while the specter of what it really was loomed between us - it was an exhausting experience. I of course insisted on an Amniocentesis as soon as it was possible - intent that I was not going to go forth for one second longer than I had to with the entire charade if the child were not mine.

A day after the amnio, I came home to her in labor. The hospital near our home was not equipped, and they sent her by ambulance to Uof M. The things that cross your mind when tailing an ambulance at 2 in the AM at high speed, I of course shifted back in time to that night in the park.. guilt running amuk.

While they were getting her processed at the hospital, the liason from NICU took me to the ward. They do go to shocking extremes to prepare you.. what is most surprising is that as blunt and informational as they are.. you just can't possibly be prepared for it... words don't exist in the english dialect.

We filed past a dozen incubators, parents standing vigil beside them, she took me to an infant that was to be about the age my daughter was - 25 to 26 weeks. The sight of a baby that tiny... I couldn't stop the tears, I stood there listening as they explained it all. The nurses last words were that I needed to prepare myself for the worst roller coaster ride I would ever be on. That description while somewhat accurate doesn't even scratch the surface.

Flash forward to that 30 seconds seeing her for the first time.. She was under her own power - but they said that would be fleeting and lead me out of the prep room as the team descended on her to put her on support.

Everything else fades away in the moment - you see just how amazing and fragile life is and it takes your breath away.

It was more than an hour before they had her ready to greet the world.. you file past the parents and visitors huddled round the other babies - causes that take on lives of their own. And there you are at the foot of her bed, an open layette with lamps to keep her warm, the tubes seem to overwhelm her, at 1 lb 7 oz. she nearly fits in my hand.

They encourage you to gently touch her - she needs to know you are there, you put your finger tip in her hand, which is barely big enough to wrap her tiny fingers around - yet she grabs it.. there you are, she trembles a second.. you stroke her hair she raises her eyebrows fighting to get them opened.. that won't happen yet. When it hit me I just stood there speechless, tears running down my face.. trembling like I had touched the face of God.

What followed would be days of seconds like that.. and when your there, you are litterally living moment to moment.

You get to know the parents of the other babies of course, each day we would be gathering in the waiting room, discussing progress - sniping about this nurse or that doctor, praising others. Every day new faces would be added.. then some days there were faces missing.. a silence would fall among us when we all realized why. We all took turns with the day to day crisis, each knowing that 10 minutes could bring us a new one.

Sabrina was thriving at first, she was strong, and a fighter.. then one day seemingly out of nowhere things changed, she was attacked by a terrible staff infection, blistered from the top of her shoulders to her rear. It looked a lot like a third degree burn, the whole thing broke out in a matter of hours.

The next few days were spent watching doctors fight to stop this.. and it seemed we were winning, she improved, still in the days that followed went through a lot of agony. There were so many moments I wondered if it were fair to put her through all this. Had this been years ago.. none of this would be happening, yet you trust the ones who know best.

Friends and family came and went, my daughter Tiffany was 11 at the time, and would sit at her bedside doing her homework. I tried to get her to stay home but she was insistent she wanted to be part of it. I had serious issues with that, and later restricted her to weekends.. but there was no protecting someone from loving.

Each day brought new challenges and hurdles, so many complications for babies born too young. She opened her eyes for the first time when she was 2 weeks old, she looked so startled.. the menagerie of tubes and hoses must have frightened her.. I was just awestruck she was so alert.. so hard not to hold her. Her Layette was covered in tiny stuffed animals and family pictures, she must have thought she was born to circus folk.

She had become somewhat of a cause celeb among the doctors - seemingly she had none of the normal laundry list of super preemie babies, things like lung ailments and eye bleeds, signs of brain deficiency were non existent, there was so much hope that while she would always struggle, she would be fine.

We left for one night.. the following morning came a call from a nurse who's trembling voice shook me to the core, "We need you to come down here right away." My heart sank, I asked her why, she said there had been some problems while trying to change the dressing that held her respirator. She wouldn't tell me what. I got ticketed for 115 mph in the 70, as politely as I could muster - I told the trouper he had best follow me and just keep fucking writing.

When we got there the news was pretty horrible, the infection that had the third degree burn like effect had returned beneath the tape that held her respirator, when they removed it the adhesive had taken a layer of her skin over her lip with it. I was furious, as I had been bitching about the tape for more than a week to deaf ears, but it is all academic once faced with what had to be dealt with, at that point they had to fabricate devices to hold her still and keep the breathing tube stationary.

The following days would see the infection returning across her back with a vengeance, and just when it seemed things were turning around again came the blow that her heart was in trouble - a tube that was supposed to close itself off days after she was born was opened and had to be surgically closed. It took 48 hours to find a cardio thoracic surgeon who would risk the surgery while she was still infected, there was no time to clear up the infection.

Doctors were consulted from as far away as Johns Hopkins, when finally a surgeon stepped up. We spent the 6 hours she was in surgery in seclusion, they had a suite just for such things. In the suite was a hot line where the surgical staff would call in and give us the progress reports, I have to say these people were as thoughtful as any medical professionals I have ever encountered. But there is just nothing that can make you at ease until it is over and you hear the word success.

When the surgeon called I about jumped out of my skin - the silence was deafening up until that second, "She came through it splendidly" is about all I remember of the conversation - half an hour later they came to the suite to visit us and reassure us it was fine - they were really amazing people, and you had to respect them for what they did.. walking where angels fear to tread every day.

The days that followed saw some major improvements, her stats seemed to get exponentially stronger with every hour. The infection was seemingly under control, and for 5 days life was sweet.

But in that time, we said goodbye to three other babies and their parents, I cant put into words how raw the emotions get.. you feel this bond - I guess drawn by the very experience, and when they suffer a loss you feel it like a bullet sailing past your face.

Then day 6 after the operation came the news that the infection had gone active again. At this point having been back and forth with it - I guess I figured it would work itself out, still I had to leave the room, head to the parking deck - a place I had turned to for quiet, dropping to my knees and swearing on all that was holy that I would live the rest of my life as a choir boy if God would just get us through this.
By the start of Sabrina's 28th day it was clear to me that God had little to do with what was happening.

She had struggled at that point for 3 days with the infection - it had gone to her arterial system via the wound from the heart operation.. we were loosing. All the nutrition from the IV's was bleeding through the walls of her veins - the infection had begun to ravage her from inside now. Her kidneys had stopped functioning, and the doctors called us to a meeting.

At the very start - they tell you if there comes a point where things just look too hard to win - they will give you the option of discontinuing the efforts.. this was that point. I just couldn't accept it, she was still fighting. I asked if they felt it cruel to continue - they insisted no - yet said that if things continued to deteriorate that we should start considering "it". In hindsight this was the team getting us ready.

An hour later, we were met at the foot of her bed by the Doctor who had overseen her for most of the time she was there, she asked for permission to try one more round of high dose dopamine to get her kidneys going, I immediately said yes - my X said wait, what will this entail? At this point her IV's had failed one after another. The doctor explained it would involve another surgery called a "Cut in" because they would have to have a hearty vein in order for the round to work, this would pose even more risks as well and she might not even survive the process.

My X reared back on her heels and said "No." I looked at her incredulously, and we began to argue.. all the while I had waited for Sabrina to give me some sign - any sign that told me she was just too tired to go on. My X argued that what they were proposing was cruel, and that she had enough.. I countered that until I saw some sign that she was giving up I owed her every chance.. And then it happened. Sabrina coded as we stood there arguing.. the doctors pushed us back and immediately started to resuscitate her, my X grabbed my arms and said "Scott, it's time, stop them.. you were looking for a sign - she just gave it to you, she is tired, you have to let her go."

I looked past her at the team that had descended on her - her arms and legs flailing helplessly when they jolted her.. and the word "Stop!" came out.. I heard it - ..it came from me. They turned towards me and a nurse stepped away towards me and said "Are you sure?" I shook my head.. I was sobbing too hard to talk - they continued and I hollered this time "Stop.. PLEASE just stop" Even with all the furor, they heard me the second time.. all the sound left the room, things went to slow motion, it was all almost other worldly..I felt myself slumping to the floor, tears blinding me, I couldn't stop shaking , "Are you sure?", the doctor grabbed my arms, "Are you sure?" "YES, just stop..

It was too late they had already resuscitated her.. the doctor said, "We can disconnect support, make her comfortable, it will be ok." I remember thinking how odd it was to use the word OK. The doctor asked if one of us wanted to hold her while she went.. My X just said "I can't", and she grabbed my face and said "You have to do this.. Scott you can't let her go alone." I shook my head and they put her in my arms. I could scarcely see her - the tears just wouldn't stop.. She passed away in my arms half an hour later. For me, for the longest time, hope died with her.

The second hardest moment was telling my daughter.. I wished with all my heart I hadn't let her get so close.. I remember every second of the conversation yet I can't bring myself to write the words, I felt I had failed her in the worst way... The days that followed, the funeral, all of it a blur.

After the funeral service, an older gentleman, one of the church deacons, approached me at the church - he hugged me and said he had lost his little boy the same way more than 40 years ago, his eyes welled with tears, "You never really forget it."

He was right.. you really never do.

I am such a floozy. No really. I have reached the point of sexual overload that I can flirt without effort and in fact now seem to do it without realizing. Is this how Heidi Fliess got her start? My regular gym is closed this week so I have been going to my backup gym.. shuddup - act like you don't have one.

Anyhoe - my backup gym is way cruizier (is that a word?) than the regular place, and if a guy is looking at me there chances are good he is "lookin" and not just checking out my form. Hot. Not that I don't adore the straight boys I work out with, they have all become great friends - but it is a pleasant change to be openly checked out by guys who wanna.. hahahhah!! OK now THAT was really gay.

Been chatting it up with "S" all week about the next date and propposed hotel gymnastics (YAY) - "P" seemed to have left me on the back burner.. not to be ignored I sent him a message" Don't you ever miss me?" (Needy I know but wtf) then he hits me up and tells me he loves waking up to my scent on his sheets in the morning. What the hell is that. One minute I get the feeling it could be more and just when I am ready to say the words he dissapears to Chicago, or Dallas, or (your city here).. Guys are such ass hats.

If all this wasn't campy enough I haven't given up Manhunt.

My X met the kids and I for breakfast this morning and this came over the radio..

What happened to the world we knew
When we would dream and scheme
And while the time away
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Where did it go that yester glow
When we could feel
The wheel of life turn our way
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
I had a dream so did you
life was warm and love was true
Two kids who followed all the rules
Yester fools and now
Now it seems those yester dreams
Were just a cruel
And foolish game we used to play
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
When I recall what we had
I feel lost I feel sad with nothing but
The memory of yester love and now
Now it seems those yester dreams
Were just a cruel
And foolish game we had to play
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Sing with me
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
One more time.....

Funny.. that song never choked me up before.. I had to get up and leave the table.

I know it's silly but there are times when I still wonder if I did the right thing.. not for me but for the kids. I don't think there is a parent alive that didn't want that stupid Ward and June Cleaver picture for their kids. Damned sitcoms.

Then at the same time I am just as sure I would have died.

I'll be away for a while.. you kids play nice.