I went to check my stat counter because unless I am loosing my mind my Blog hits went through the roof and I was clueless as to why. E-mails popping in from a lot of really sweet people, I had to rule out anything evil perpetrated by my X. After hopping a couple links.. OK hahaha it took me a while but I finally found the source of my sudden popularity!
Dan Renzi of How was your day, Dan?
One of my favorite reads gave me a really sweet nod. I'm truly humbled.
It made me think about what I look for in my reading.. Sometimes it is people who make me think. Dan is definitely one of those guys. I love wit with a twist, Dan is always seamless. I find the insight this guy has at such a young age really remarkable, and yes of course he is obviously a hunk hehe.
It's people who take me there, guys like Damon, at Naked City Boys, who mixes life's experiences with hot details, and for however long your visiting, you are propelled into his world, whether it's what he had to say that day or the sight of him doing what he enjoys - putting that dirty grin on guys faces, I never leave his page without a smile. The fact that he and his mate Hunter, of Not that Boy, are both scantlessly hot and exacting their just revenge on the world in the best form possible - being happy, makes it all the better.. Rock on boys!
I can't write about everyone in one sitting.. my attention span isn't that great LOL! So instead I think each week till I hit the end I will give ya one from my list of "Notable People", which I will also be updating.
At any rate - welcome to my world new readers! Pull up a chair, grab a coffee or a stiff drink and prepare to be dazzled with my inane ability to make the same mistake a thousand times.
Squished Cat
It occurred to me this morning when I was chatting with "J", that my relationship with my X reminds me very much of one of those cute pictures you see of the child squeezing the cat -
Usually the cat looks like he is on the brink of death - or ready to scratch the kids eyes out, - or sometimes he has wiggled his way out to the point he is upside down and being squeezed nearly in half (ouch) or sometimes he just looks humiliated, no matter what it is clear he wants to get away.. but that child has big plans for him and even if he manages to wiggle free that child will turn over Heaven and Earth to find that cat and squeeze him again.
The cat would be perfectly content to simply visit with the silly child from time to time, but that is never enough for the kid.
My daughter is going through a tough time right now. She is learning about heartbreak for the first time, breaking up with the first boy she ever gave her heart to. They were together for 10 months - which was 9 months and 30 days too long as far as I am concerned. But then I am her Dad and no boy will ever meet my standards.
But this one was particularly disturbing, as he mirrored far too many of my X's behaviors, often holding on to her with guilt and manipulation. I have seen this recur in the relationships of my other kids as well at times and it makes me wonder if I did the right thing at all by staying with my X for as long as I did. I didn't do a very good job of setting an example.
Even now - I am trying so hard to make this OK, - trying to salvage at least a friendship with my X.. but it leaves the door open to so many other things that it makes my head swim sometimes. It is hard to play by the rules when the other party keeps trying to rewrite them.
I have always looked at her as this tragic figure, who loves but does not know how to express it without squeezing you in half. I want so much to believe that all the insane chaotic behavior is her way of showing she cares in some weird twisted way. It's like she was born without a natural mechanism for simply saying I love you. Some argue that I am giving her too much credit, that I am in denial and can't accept what is obviously the truth.. she is just mean and twisted.
She has been dogging my poor daughter for 2 weeks now, shadowing her every move. She blows up my phone with details of supposed plans of my daughter's to meet her X - or re-attach to him, and it is quite frankly just wearing me out. My daughter thinks it is just my X's arcane way of trying to plant herself back into my life, and says my X doesn't care at all what is happening with her - it is all just a ploy.
Maybe she is right, but why do I pray so much that she is wrong, what is it in me that needs to believe my X is not that dreadful a person? Maybe it is just too hard for me to accept that I spent half a lifetime living with a monster.
This morning I woke to a fierce banging on my window, it was my X - demanding I buzz her in. Another 20 minutes of her ranting on about the fact I am blind to everything my daughter is "up too", and I am ordering her out of my apartment.
Sometimes, no matter how desperately you want things to work out, to JUST be alright, they never really will be. You would think given my vast experience with crazy, I would have learned that often crazy is forever.
Sometimes the cat really needs to just run the fuck away.
