tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106613202024-03-07T03:02:49.008-05:00Wicked ManScotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comBlogger84125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-77148511869446888252012-09-25T00:44:00.001-04:002012-09-25T00:44:42.460-04:00Tic Tock..<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, in my big busy life I seem to have neglected this pretty horribly. Time to decide the fate of these pages, tear them down and toss them away or keep them as a reminder of what I have survived, add to them. Not sure I have the chops. It should be like riding a bike no?<br />
<br />
It's time to put my story in some cohesive form.. much like my life it's become scattered and disheveled. <br />
<br />
I've missed my blogging friends, seems they have all scattered to the wind. I think about them often especially lately. Knowing the things that have happened around me over the past years I wonder how time has treated them. Much like many periods in life you can't just go back and pick up where you left off, it doesn't work that way.<br />
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So I have decided to decide what the fate of this blog will be, and do it by the end of the month.</div>
Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-68939115988579656162010-05-01T23:46:00.000-04:002010-05-01T23:46:02.409-04:00ShhhhSomething new coming.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-32816951264602793192007-06-19T06:06:00.000-04:002007-07-08T22:12:04.249-04:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>What next.</strong><br /></span><br />I have been dialing in my body hardcore lately, cutting out all the frills and going hard at the gym. Since most of the pictures previously posted here (no I still haven't fixed that) I have added a few inches to my chest and arms, and trimmed another 16 pounds. I am obsessing about goals I have set mentally for myself. Perfectionism. It is something that has plagued me forever, and for myself I wonder if enough will ever be enough. BDD - Huzzah!<br /><br />A really dear friend and I have been sort of living a parallel love life or the lack thereof. We share several key elements, but one important factor.. giving up heart to asshole men who don't appreciate it. I cut mine loose over the 4th of July - I am getting much better at it.<br /><br />So last night I am on with my soul mate (Muah) and with a little help full coercion from him - not that I needed a lot mind you, I dropped the top on my new TRULY queer chariot (An immaculate 1994 LeBaron GTC, white/white leather seats HOT I tell you) and I motored my happy ass to GiGi's for the Tranny show. I have never just gone off to a club alone - even back in the day when I clubbed every night it was A.) With a group of friends, and B.)just your run of the mill punk/dance club. There really is a first time for everything.<br /><br />So I paid the Valet handsomely to park my baby somewhere safe - don't laugh he actually did it! And through the door I went. Stood around and took it all in, wow tranny night is serious!! The sight of a 6 foot tall guy with the shoulders I have died trying to build for the past 3 years, in a slinky sheath, clip clopping his very manly way to the bar to order a Bud Lite.. priceless. Jacqueline Smith would be proud.<br /><br />So I amble past a line of guys standing at the bar, down the steps, the show had started, not exactly standing room only- a table was not a problem. No sooner had a sat down a guy - 30 ish, kind of cute in a scruffy "I'm half in the bag and you look hot" kinda way, walks up and sticks his hand down my wife beater - "I just HAVE to feel this.. DAMN nice really - good job, ever had your nipples sucked for about half an hour?" Me: "Um no, are you finished?" I leaned back - he said thanks and well - hahaha I was just too stunned to say anything else.<br /><br />Getting grabbed is one thing - getting examined is a little different. Here I thought I was pretty low key, I had a nice white shortsleve shirt over the beater, apparently not quite enough cover. Flirted with a few of the boys - got ground up on by a few others on the dance floor, then in walks "A".<br /><br />He was a guy I had seen once almost 2 years ago, and he was too young then.. he is still too young, but still I wound up in a cheesy face sucking grope fest. Yeah I could have exorcised some self control - but that's no fun either. On the up side - I didn't go home with him. Is it a bad thing when the DJ tells you too get a room over the PA? He is still too young.<br /><br />All in all - my mission was to go out and have fun.. Mission accomplished.<br /><br />However, for every action there is a reaction, and sometimes it is best to just stick to your guns and not retrace steps you narrowly avoided once. I spent half of today textplaining to "A" why we would not be "Seeing" each other.. and then it hit me. In his little world, I am the unthinking asshole who isn't worth the effort of his 2 dozen text messages today.<br /><br />I need to start living more thoughtfully. It really never occurred to me that every kiss last night left him thinking tomorrow there should be more. Truth is it also never dawned on me that anyone might think about me that way. It's been too long since I was in circulation - I have forgotten the rules of engagement, or perhaps I just never really knew them to begin with.<br /><br />So next time.. it really will be just about fun.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-66301330078952618672007-06-17T06:24:00.000-04:002007-06-17T07:19:40.296-04:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Happy Fathers Day!</strong><br /></span><br />The events of the past few weeks have made me appreciate more than ever what I have in my kids. For everything that has passed over the course of my life they remain the most precious thing in it. No matter what comes, that will always be.<br /><br />I always knew it would be tough coming out to them, more from my end and the fear I was taking away the perhaps the only thing in their lives that was stable. Funny how wrong one can get it. My oldest son Shaun breathed a sigh of relief, "Never do that! Man I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying!! It changes nothing - well for Mom maybe haha but she will probably still never let go of you. You are the same guy, my friends have always said they wish their parents were at least a little like you. Nothing has changed."<br /><br />Ryan was unshaken as well, "Well I guess Lace's cousins can forget trying to get with you hahaha!" He was so unscathed I wondered if Shaun hadn't already tipped him off, he was a rock. Christopher was just as steady, although he was always the sensitive one, he called me later that night almost on the verge of tears, "I can't believe you stayed with her so long, Dad that had to be hard.. I mean even if she was NORMAL. I always respected you, but we all know what she put you through, and I know you did this for us - and well, I just want you to know I respect you more than ever, most guys would have just walked away." We were on the phone for hours, and at the end I have never felt so humble.<br /><br />I got all choked up and teary telling Tiffany, she kept asking me what was wrong, and when I told her her response just knocked me out. "Aww! Daddy don't cry, your my hot Daddy! I knew! You wear your pants tight as mine, and have more hair product than anyone I know!! I don't care if you walk me down the aisle in a pink tu tu you are my Daddy, I love you and I will always be proud of you."<br /><br />I can face anything now. The single biggest fear I had has been wiped away. Good Fathers tend to think they must always be this pillar of strength, always there for their kids to run to. That was changed in some ways for the better, and for the first time all the things I hoped I showed them, were reaching out to me.<br /><br />Who could ever ask for more.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-85971730231510387092007-06-03T22:56:00.000-04:002007-06-03T23:50:00.947-04:00<strong><span style="font-size:180%;">Gay Pride 07' <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Independence</span> Day part <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Duex</span></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:180%;"></span></strong><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Today really began as the first day of the rest of my life. For more than two years as chronicled here in this blog, I have lived a life of quiet desperation, fearing more than anything that those I love most would never accept me as I am. I let my X manipulate me, and despite the fact that I knew better in my heart, I kept quiet rather than risk the loss.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Last night, I had plans to go to dinner with friends, then on to a club. Rather than my usual gauntlet of evading my X's calls, when she called to do her usual daily inquest as to my plans - I simply told her I was headed out.. for the first time since the divorce, she did not have the "Your dick is not as important as our child" shtick available to her, a ploy she has used to plunder most any plans I have had for the past 2 years. A silence fell over the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">receiver</span>, then came the "I knew you would do this".. I said do what? Live? I then told her to have a good night and hung up. </span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">I sat there, and shook for a second.. 2 years she has been effectively dragging me around like a dog with a new bone, for no other reason than that I let her. Through all of the last year I had pretty much just given up all hope of a life beyond her reach, with <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">acception</span> to my plans for San Diego - which had nothing to do with her.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">I cancelled my plans, but this time was different. I sat there staring off into space, screwing up my courage. This was the last time I would let her make me feel like shit. It's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">insidious</span> really, the level of control <em>I gave her.</em> And I am the one who gave it to her. I sat there in the dark, trying to picture what it would be to live this for another minute.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">So this morning, I held that thought, I felt that thought - all the way to the gym, and the store for my Mother, then all the way home again. I held it through the shower, and lunch, and when I found myself dialing my little brother, I realised this was really it.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">I met him at a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">restaurant</span> near my old house - but stopped him before he went in. "I have something I need to tell you - and I think I would rather do it out here. We sat down on the bench, and I just felt this flush well up in me, I looked at his eyes, and the tears just came. I looked away and stammered for a second, then he sat down next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder - I looked up at him and said - "Curt - I'm gay." He smiled and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">squeezed</span> my shoulders and said "Scott, it's about time, I have known our whole lives." We talked for a long time, and I will go into that more later - this was HUGE <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">ya'll</span>, and it went better than I ever thought possible.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br />It took 6 hours. Six hours to complete freedom for the first time in my life. 6 hours to tell the people who matter to me, my Mother and kids, and I am humbled and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">embarrassed</span> that I ever doubted them. I'll write more later - I am just too tired from all the crying right now - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">shuddup</span> yeah it was mostly me <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">lol</span>.<br /><br />I have never felt so loved.<br /><strong><span style="font-size:180%;"></span></strong><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">So<strong> Happy Pride <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Ya'll</span></strong>.. I am full of it for the first time ever, and it is an amazing feeling.</span>Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-46207473642733240272007-05-27T08:19:00.000-04:002007-05-27T10:11:18.276-04:00Just like a bandaid..<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Just like a bandaid</span>..</strong><br />There are a few mile markers in a child's life.. OK thousands, some happy some sad, many that evoke memories of your own life, and still more that just stand alone. My baby girl, otherwise known as the center of my universe, moved out yesterday. Much like her Daddy, she had been carefully plotting this for months, keeping her plan to escape the bounds of childhood a secret. Then she sprung it on me one day last month..<br /><br />I of course said all the natural Dad things. "No, you are not an adult until I say so." and "You have never even paid for your own manicure, how the hell will you pay rent?" and "How will you be able to work and go on to school." Like her Dad she had all the answers.. *sigh*.<br /><br />For days I was secretly freaking out inside, this world is a dangerous place - she is the person I have sworn to protect for life - how will I ever keep her safe from 10 miles away?! What if her neighbors are freaks?! What if she gets lonesome?! Who will bring her S'more Pop Tarts when she is binge eating her "visitor" away?? What will I do when I need a hug? Who will I watch scary movies with?! She is SO taking that damned cat! I of course relented that most of those worries are contained by the fact I raised a fierce, smart, savvy, independent young woman, who knows that I will never be but a phone call away. Yes, that makes it all better.<br /><br />At the same time I looked at the fearlessness of youth, and the plans I had at her age. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move somewhere warm, this state is among the most beautiful places in the world for the 3 brief months of summer. The rest of the time - shades of grey, and just plain dismal. My plan was always to find that place where the weather was near perfect year round, and get there through whatever means necessary. I was like her once.<br /><br />So.. while she was tidying up her list of things to do I jumped on the net and started looking, bouncing back and forth between Texas, Arizona and California. Well there really only is one place. San Diego. I did a little more searching, spoke to a few dealers, and some time over the next few weeks I will be on a plane to check it out.<br /><br />Tif hates it here too - and really wants to come with me - but wants to try this living on her own thing first. I think she will be fine, and this move has been a lifetime in the making. More on all that later.<br /><br />Back to baby girl.. Yesterday was the big day, and much like tearing off a band aid - we made the move at break neck speed, not stopping to reminisce over every little artifact.. well that's how it looked on the surface. Beneath, I relived every second, from the first time I held her to her first day of school, her first time on roller skates, cuddled up watching movies - this one was attached to me from the moment she arrived. We have shared some of the biggest heartaches and greatest triumphs life can put on your plate, always together. In my heart I know that no matter the distance, this will never change.<br /><br />This is what it is all about, This is the natural progression.. I keep telling myself this, but the truth is it smarts like hell, and I am scared to death.. just like her. Much like the first time she went away to my Fathers while the divorce was raging on, we both put up this front of bravery face to face, and saved the tears for when the other wasn't looking. She offered to come over today and help me move my office into her old room - she desperately wants me to be OK with this, and no matter how I feel I will convince her I am. It's what Dads do. I am so proud of her.<br /><br />My X is beside herself.. blowing up my phone all afternoon and well into the night. She is furious that Tif didn't ask her to help, truth is my X would only have rained a shitstorm of negativity over everything and my daughter didn't want it. As for the X, she is also freaking out because she knows this will end a lot of reason for her and I to talk. It's all out of her control and that is what really makes her crazy.. life is moving on and I think she suspects what is coming next.<br /><br />So - after leaving my baby with her mounds of stuff to sort and put away. I went home to my apartment.. this is the first time in my life I will ever actually live alone, - like my daughter I am excited and scared, hopeful and somber. I opened the door to my place.. and cut a straight line to sit on the floor in her empty room and blubber like the big baby that I am. I earned this I thought... and if a fathers intuition is accurate, on the other end of town she was doing the same. God I love her.<br /><br />I picked myself up, took a really long hot shower, kicked up my hair, slipped into something tight, and in a blaze of Dolce & Gabbana threw caution to the wind as I ran off to meet a guy I have been talking with and keeping at a distance for quite a while now.<br /><br />WAY hot. - That's a post for another time.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-15699897876327718232007-05-13T23:17:00.000-04:002007-05-21T00:57:51.751-04:00These small hours..This past 14 months has flown.. and yet so much of the time went so slowly. I learned just how much of my so called life was centered around this thing called the Internet.. friends, lovers this blog, all gone with the flash of the internal error message. I learned it sucks being broke, and out of necessity I learned that when my back is against the wall I do what I have to.<br /><br />This blog - what to most casual observers would probably seem frivolous.. this is where I turned with the proceeds of my life, good bad or indifferent. It was where I let it all out. Without it - I was lost at first. I had come to depend so much on my friends here in this virtual world, I missed you guys like you can't imagine. I have been trying to put this together.. the events of this past year, this may take a while.<br /><br />That job.. lets see - when we left off things were just getting off the ground, - I did well, worked hard and eventually I actually even broke a sales record that hadn't been touched since 1985.. that was cool. I pretty much put my personal life on hold.. all gym and work, life was solitary, and so lonely I thought I would go utterly mad at times. Maybe I needed that, maybe it was just an easy place to hide. Lets face it I hadn't been lucky in love anyway, and my conquests while memorable were not paying my bills. Success or failure rested solely in me, and I was determined not to fail.<br /><br />Success breads jealousy and contempt. That always sounded overly dramatic to me.. then I experienced it first hand. During the weekly Monday meetings my numbers were flown in the face of a lot of guys who had decades of experience, that had to be hard for them I am sure, but the stuff that got pulled on me was a tad over the top - to include being outed at work. None of which mattered in the end. I got where I got on my own, and when I interviewed and landed another position it was sort of cool to have the owner tell me I wasn't leaving and match the offer I was given.. even cooler when he exceeded it. More about all that later.<br /><br /><br />On the heals of this, in May of last year my Father returned from his winter away. Something was markedly different. The wall of ice that had existed between us was gone. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had accidentally bumped into him running an errand for my Mother - I had no idea he was back.. the man actually hugged me for the first time since I was.. gah I don't even remember. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - carefully watching for signs he had been drinking, I was floored. He actually gushed about having heard about my conquests at work via "friends" I left there that day utterly stupefied, but in a good way. He called the following Monday to invite myself and the kids to dinner for Mothers Day, still somewhat stunned from the last encounter I of course said yes. (If you skip back a few posts you'll understand why all this was so left field.)<br /><br />At work, I was at the end of a month that was nothing less than stellar. My love life was a zero, but for the first time in a long time that didn't matter. My kids were on course, my ex and I had finally rounded the bend to an understanding, I was in a very good place. The dinner was remarkable. One of those storybook events, for that afternoon - all the tribulations of the past had evaporated leaving only a group of people who really just enjoyed each others company. I left there that day feeling that while everything wasn't what I wanted it to be, I was content.<br /><br /><br />That following week I got a call from my youngest brother. I was in the middle of a closing and let my voicemail pick it up. The message was as follows: "There has been a serious loss, you need to come to Mom and Dad's now." I called immediately, he said he didn't want to go into it on the phone, but that I needed to get there now. All kinds of things rushed through my head. Immediately I thought it was my younger brother, I was convinced it had to be him. He had been drinking heavily since my oldest brother died and last time I saw him he was a mess... then I thought perhaps my mother, her health has been pretty bad. Well you get the picture, 20 minutes of worse case scenario's on the drive, and none of them correct.<br /><br /><br />When I hit the door at my Mother's My brother greeted me at the door, I didn't even hear the door shut when he just blurted it out. "Dad passed away last night." He had left on a trip the day before, and passed away after having stopped with his Motorhome somewhere in Indiana. They found the Motorhome door ajar, keys in the ignition, and he was slumped on the floor between the seats. The tears just swept over me.. I had carried all these things with me for so long, only to have him defuse me when I had finally accepted that he would never accept me, and all these things, all this emotion, and anger and hurt just flooded out. Then as I was leaving, I got this strange calm. It struck me that for the first time ever, wherever he was, he knew what was in my heart. All the things I could never say - he knew it all. The calm I felt was almost other worldly.<br /><br />We truly were ok for the first time in memory.<br /><br />It will be a year on the 23rd. I think about him all the time, and pray that what I felt that day was real, and he really does know what is in my heart.. it's all just love now.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-6574689577765195702007-05-06T23:53:00.000-04:002007-05-07T07:24:15.986-04:00I'm BACK!!<strong><span style="font-size:180%;color:#ff0000;">HAHAHAHA OMFG!</span></strong><br /><span style="font-size:100%;color:#333333;">Well DANG that was SCARY!! After all this time away I had to sit here probing the innermost recesses of my terribly befuddled mind to TRY and remember what the bloody hell my screename and password were!! I am exhausted. Here I was all ready to regail ya'll with this adventure I have had over the past - gah, how long has it been?! OMG I have so much to write! </span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;color:#333333;"></span><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;color:#333333;">STAY TUNED...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:100%;color:#333333;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:100%;color:#333333;">I'll try and fix the pictures tomorrow.. damn, this got all run down while I was away!</span></strong>Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1137288379424741342006-01-14T20:02:00.000-05:002006-01-14T20:26:20.420-05:00<strong>How do I love thee?</strong><br /><br />.20 per minute to be exact.. I am coming to ya'll from kinkos. I can't believe how funny my money got- and so FAST! <strong>SHIT!</strong> Being broke sucketh to the endth degree. I have a raft of emails to answer but I had a choice drop e few lines here or read. <br /><br />I have missed you something fierce! ALL of you! Well lets see, many interesting things have unfolded, I am working the North American Auto Show this weekend.. yay. The guy I am working it with is really cool and funny and no not gay - but hey we cant all be perfect. He tells me we are not leaving this show without getting laid ..... HAHAHAHAHAH!! OMFG!<br /><br />Ughem. Well THAT should be interesting!! I have been fending off the advances of the single women folk at the dealership which has already caused some seriously hilariously uncomfortable moments. I went from working for one rich redneck to an army of them.. the shit I get myself into.<br /><br />I have been living like a bloody monk, which has me seriously horned up. I have been shifting funds around trying to keep the man from throwing us to the curb, and I am barely staying one step ahead so no telling when I will have a new computer. <br /><br />My X has been in her glory which seriously just makes me all the more determined to prevail. What kills me is the isolation. No matter how lonely I got before - with all of you around I was never really alone. <br /><br />My life has become almost mechanical - I work and go to the gym, fight the crazy lady in between. At one point I actually relented and went to my father.. I will hate myself for the rest of time for that. I think his exact words were something to the effect "I don't care what size refridgerater box you have to live in" Prick. When the old bastard kicks it I am going to take the money out of the bank in singles and burn it in the street.<br /><br />I knew it would be this way. It always amazes me that I continue to be surprised. I can say this has been eye opening.. I never in my life had to deal like this and while I spend half the time scared to death at the same time I am exhilarated. But that doesn't mean I plan to get used to it.<br /><br />My skills as a hooker are starting to pay off.. NO not a real hooker, although don't think that hasn't crossed my mind, lets just say my flirtatious nature has found an outlet in getting people to spend ridiculous money on cars they can't afford. Not a far throw from my old job.. just a tad less messy.<br /><br />I've got a Hugh Grant lookalike at the gym who is doing everything but proposition me.. as much as I could have jumped on that at one time it is different for me right now and I can't tell you why. <br /><br />Well I could but then there would be no cliffhanger for my next post....Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1134188779147202412005-12-09T23:15:00.000-05:002006-01-05T17:36:54.720-05:00<strong>When it rains...</strong><br /><br />I'm afraid I'll be on temporary hiatus for a while ya'll - seems my beloved piece of a computer has finally surfed it's last sight. My budget won't allow for a new anything right now, and I am not sure when it will. Somehow blogging from Kinko's is a bit weird.. yeah I know, lol - coming from me that's a stretch.<br /><br />So what I really came here to say is that I hope you all have the greatest of Holidays, surrounded with the ones you love, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa... did I miss anything?<br /><br />I am so going to be crawling the walls.. and I am going to miss you more than you know.<br /><br />Wish you could feel my love..<br /><br /><br />XOXOXOXO<br />ScottScotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1133649711934046022005-12-03T17:30:00.000-05:002005-12-06T07:43:15.320-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://www.gcspotlightmag.com/"><strong>GC Spotlight </strong>Magazine</a> Lee Andrew brings us the news international style, the hot photography doesn't hurt either!! <br /><br />Humble thanks to <a href="http://humannature100.blogspot.com/"><strong>THIS hottie</strong></a> for an <a href="http://humannature100.blogspot.com/"></a><a href="http://www.from35000feet.com/b2evolution/blogs/index.php?blog=12">unexpected <strong>recogonition</strong></a>! <br /><br /><strong>Winter falls</strong><br /><br />My love life has ground to a temporary halt as of late, winter is such a drag here in the Motor City. I must be ill or something, hot young men emailing me pictures of their asses and other choice parts, imploring me to come to them have left me cold. There was a time in the not so distant past I would have dashed off to hit that. Something in me has changed.<br /><br />But more than that things are just too complicated for me right now. The focus for me has shifted to my daughter, and trying to help her navigate through some of life's rapids. So much I want to tell her, yet with all that she is going through it's just not the right time. <br /><br /><strong>Danger Will Robinson</strong><br /><br />So. The big changes.. I quit the job with Satan, there are some things even the very rich can't afford, my sanity would be one of them. It was time. After plastering the Motor City with my resume, I landed a job in sales with a dealership in the prominent end of town. A bit of a skip from restoring them, but the premise is the same - getting people to spend money big money on cars. This is where the hooker in me gets to spread his uhh "wings". I almost closed my first deal on the floor while waiting to interview, and got the job on the spot. As predicted, the other kids on the floor are not there to play nice.. I can deal. <br /><br />Satan isn't taking this laying down, and has been blowing up my cell with messages to call him.. for a lot of reasons I should call him back, but my current state of flux has me concerned I will make a poor decision based in greed. I'm human, and he is filthy rich. I've been trying really hard to extricate myself from the situations in my life that aren't working - he is one of them.<br /><br />I am still adjusting the rest of my life, putting my personal life on hold has really been difficult, but it is the rest of the cost of this move that has me really worried. For the first time in my life I am completely broke.. which by itself is scary, and I have accepted my X's "help", which makes me incredibly uneasy. Nothing comes without strings with her, worse yet she knows I am vulnerable. <br /><br />I've got the prospect of taking an online relationship to the next level, which has me excited and scared.. Who am I kidding it has me shaking in my boots. I've bared my soul to this one, and if he turned his back on me it's no doubt going to leave a mark. For the men who have stepped in and out of my life, I have managed to keep my heart out of it for the most part. This one is different.<br /><br />Ever feel like you were hurtling through space at a thousand miles an hour?<br /><br /><a href="http://humannature100.blogspot.com/"></a><a href="http://www.from35000feet.com/b2evolution/blogs/index.php?blog=12"></a>Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1133014824691336372005-11-26T09:14:00.000-05:002005-11-29T23:45:51.546-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://www.frenchbenj.com/blog/index.html">French Benj</a> MMmmm Hot Frenchman with an interesting twist on life and world events. Happy Birthday Benj!... OK slightly belatedly - it was his Birfday when I started this post! Shuddup.<br /><br />Ruh Roh..<br /><br />Mariah in clamation sucketh.. so sayeth the kind people of AOL.<br /><br /><img src ="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/6651144/120438115.jpg"> <br />Wow.. Tough crowd er wut?Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1132657302248025262005-11-22T05:52:00.000-05:002005-11-24T18:48:42.310-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><a href="http://www.echeblog.com/"><strong>Echeblog</strong></a> How to describe Marc... Substance and style, places in the heart, places in the world - AND he can COOK! Every once in a while life affords you the rare gift of meeting someone extraordinary.. even if you have never touched. <br /><br /><strong>Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!</strong><br /><br />I normally really dread the holidays.. and yet this year is different. Instead of sitting here waiting for something evil to run me over, I'm getting ready to turn a page. THAT makes this the day I realized I am really finally free. There is no one here to terrorize me, that's over. I've been trying to let go of a lot of monsters here.. forgive myself for years of guilt over things I had no control of.<br />My older brother died 3 years ago today.. I still just feel anger when I think about it. But I think today I am going to let that go too. <br /><br />Big changes are coming.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1132575208939520902005-11-21T06:47:00.000-05:002005-11-22T06:04:32.686-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><a href="http://www.exceptionalkia.com/"><strong>Exceptional Mediocrity</strong></a> Kia, what can you say about a Diva who's gaydar is better than yours, her taste in men is impeccable, her style of writing is flawlesly bitchy and funny, and she is connected to every hot queer in DC, Sickening, but in a good way. Be sure and check out her "Hot Assed Mens", you'll see what I mean. This is one of those blogs I read when I am really down.. she always makes me smile.<br /><br /><br />Speaking of hot assed men.<br /><strong>This</strong> guy just <strong><em>turns me on</em></strong>...<br /><br /><img src="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/119500487.jpg"><br /><strong>I LOVE</strong>..<a href="http://mp.aol.com/video.index.adp?pmmsid=1420751&referer=http%3A//music.aol.com/artist/main.adp%3Fartistid%3D4555&mode=1">THIS VIDEO</a> <img src="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/119496271.jpg"><br />It ain't pretty?? <strong>Hell</strong> it ain't!<br /><img src="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/119500446.jpg"><br />Tell me the flash of his belly is not <em><strong>the shit</strong></em>.<br /><img src=" http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/119500464.jpg"><br /><br />It's all there in that <strong>sexy smirk</strong>, I've seen it before... every morning after. <br />Note to J.D Fortune... Come to Detroit.. hit me up baby - I won't tell.. I swear!Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1132557157485281262005-11-21T02:07:00.000-05:002005-11-21T02:16:59.603-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><a href="http://www.brechi.blogspot.com/"><strong>E - Brechi</strong></a> another new link, this one totally self serving. Brechi is a total hottie, and reminds me in more ways than one of <a href="http://wickedmanlives.blogspot.com/2005/04/frequency-it-is-one-movie-that.html">Med Boy</a>. He is the poster boy for every guy that hits on me, everybody's twentysomething hottie. I don't know why and I don't care, I will simply enjoy that while it lasts. I'm not ashamed of it - college boys are hella fun! <br /><br />You have to appreciate that these guys fear age, and in places like Manhunt and Gay.com - (your dating/hookup site here), one of the first sentences in their profiles is usually something to the effect "No daddies please" or "don't hit me up if you are over 30", and when they hit me up.. well it just always makes me smile.<br /><br /><strong>Observing from his future..</strong><br /><br />In his blog he writes of the potential demise of Madonna as the unchallenged queen of music with the sort of melancholy of a guy who is waking up to the idea that time is marching on.. Gwen may have added herself to the picture with some very stellar work, but don't be fooled, Madonna is far from the end of the line. They may move over but they never really step down. Just as Tina Turner could walk onto the stage of ANY Madonna concert and bring them to their knees, Madonna will continue to rule. <br /><br />My advice to the young and upcoming? Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions, you've yet to learn that not only does life not end at 30.. the really good parts are only just begining. And.. if you are really lucky, years from now, there will be a twenty something grinding up on you on a dance floor, plying you with drinks hoping you'll go home with him later, on your pillow whispering your name, not that an equally hot 40 or 50 something would not be welcome in that spot.<br /><br />The majority of everything thats hot has rounded the bend to 40. George Clooney 44,Jet Li 42, Bruce Springsteen 55, Johnny Depp 42, Bruce Willis 50, Brad Pitt 41, Mat Dillon 42, Tom Cruise 43, John Stamos 42, Tommy Lee 43, Bonu 45, Benjamin Bratt 42, Peter Gallagher 49, Denzel Washington 50, James Denton 42, Lenny Kravitz 43... and the list goes on.<br /><br />So the buzz is 40 is the new 30.. I don't want to be 30 again. I never gave away my youth.. it's part of who I am. I think that is as much a gift to some as the gift of poetry, or the ability to sing.. there is a naivete in youth, a willingness to suspend belief, an open channel to throw caution to the wind. It may leave me some day, and when it does <em>MAYBE</em> I will be ready to accept that. <br /><br />But don't be expecting me to go gently into that good night anytime soon. Madonna and I will continue to flip father time the bird, and defy the rules of nature for some time to come... Trust.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1132500167245314012005-11-20T10:09:00.000-05:002005-11-20T14:31:57.643-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://www.dogpoet.com/2005_10_01_archives.html"><strong>Dog Poet</strong></a>, "You'll shoot your eye out!" ... I think it everytime he tells a story, thinking that if <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085334/">Ralphy</a> had grown up gay, and wrote a blog, this had to be him. It's the same enthrallment I feel when reading his stuff, when he starts a story.. you just have to keep reading. that link is not the main, rather an example, you can find the rest <a href="http://www.dogpoet.com/daily.html"><em>here</em></a>, and if you get the chance DO read back.. there is a gift there.<br /><br /><strong>What you take away..</strong><br /><br />I linked that post because for me it reflects the differences and the similarities.. that ever present search for the place you fit in.. today such confabs are held in text messages sent via internet.. but still the hiarchy remains intact. It's all such a game really - we all have red footie pajamas. For some it was that wacked wire retainer they had to wear to bed, others the zit cream, or some other secret that cements us in a fondly remembered pact of silence.<br /><br />The funny part is that this is a repeating dance that is ever evolving. We may think we grew past it but we simply trade up the red footie pajamas for something else along the way, be it on the inside or on the outside. Funny - it is that exact level of intimacy that is the very building block of a lasting relationship.. no more waiting to exhale.<br /><br />One thing remains constant, we are all out looking for "the one",yet he/she can only exist if we let them. That means we have trust them and commit to them - to be the proverbial ying to their yang. Therein lies the dilemma. Most men seem perfectly focused and dedicated .. until you throw a hand full of shiny coins in the air to distract them.<br /><br />When life changes boys to men, they grow all kinds of armor through the scars they pick up along the way, and no matter how much they want that boy they started out as to come out and play.. he almost never does, those footie pajamas are packed away.<br /><br />Will Mr. Right kindly tie his footie pajamas around his neck so I can find him?Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1132341993588305932005-11-18T13:52:00.000-05:002005-11-18T23:10:25.106-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://surfnsnowboy.blogspot.com/"><strong>diScOmBOBuLAtiOn</strong> <br /></a> As Callen writes about those who "would be the one" you know eventually he will get his man. In the mean time this cutie gets by with the help of his friends, and continues to plot the takeover of the world.. Ok he is starting with the company he works for - quit splitting hairs. <br /><br /><strong>ThursGay Chat..</strong><br /><br />You <strong><em>know</em></strong> it is time to close the 50 chat screens and go to bed when:<br /><br />A.) You have 4 guys drunk IMing you.. and they are not only starting to make sense, but you can't keep up.<br />B.) The guy in chat window 8 just told you he would be back after the new "South Park" episode is over- WTF?<br />C.) An "Older" man is chatting you up on screen 6 and offering to fly you to his country as his boy toy, and you are checking the Airline departures.<br />D.) You maxed out 2 free email accounts on Manhunt in between all this.<br />E.) You are nodding off and forgetting what you said to whom. (this one can be particularily embarrassing)<br />F.) The guy you logged on to talk to never showed up.<br /><br />I need a life.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1132160429741963342005-11-16T11:47:00.000-05:002005-11-16T18:09:00.126-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><a href="http://goodmorningamerica23.blogspot.com/"><strong>Good Morning America 23</strong></a>.. Sorry guys I was trying to stay alphabetical, but FJ's <strong><em>cute ass</em> </strong>shot just won him a bump to the head of the line.. what can I say, I'm in lust. Shuddup.<br /><br />Actually there is so much more to FJ than a bangin body.. although DAYUM - it don't hurt! FJ's soul comes across effortlessly in his writing, I don't think there is anything more appealing to me as a reader than a writer who brings you into his emotions, you can feel him. Carefull ya'll - FJ is totally that guy who could steal your heart while you weren't looking.<br /><br /><strong>And other Angels..</strong><br /><br /><img src="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/119021288.jpg"><br /><br />Want to support a worthy cause?<br /><br /><strong>Rome Italy</strong>- The National Italian Rugby Team composed entirely of firefighters bare all for chairty to help raise money for the USA hurricane Katrina relief stateside, chiefly of the Mississippi Delta region where the photographer Lee Andrew Giabenelli was born.. The champion professional firefighters and ruby players won their divisional gold medal this past July in Quebec, Canada deafeating Australia. The anticipated debut premiere of the teams calendar has taken the city of Rome and the Internet by storm. The Italian fire chiefs are not thrilled about the exploits of the team and have forbidden participation in promoting the calendar in Italy by the teams members. This Italian national rugby team are champions on the field and heroes as first responders in these times that we live. <br /><br />Not often that you get the opportunity to share your months with some hot hard bodies AND support a great cause! You may purchase the calendar <a href=" http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/2951940920/002-0985736-1348000?v=glance&n=283155&n=507846&s=books&v=glance"><strong>here</strong></a> or <a href="http://www.editionsparisrivegauche.com/angels_of_rugby_angeli_del_rugby.htm"><strong>here</strong></a>.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131983292353418752005-11-14T10:21:00.000-05:002005-11-15T00:44:56.770-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><a href="http://dantallion.com/canon/"><strong>Dantallion's Cannon</strong></a>, a recent find, this guy has the sexiest smile, and the rest is pretty damn hot too!! <a href="http://dantallion.com/canon/index.php?p=73#comments">Lot's to say as well</a>, he definitely falls under the heading of guys that make you think. I love a beautiful mind.<br /><br />Another fine moment compliments of Dolce & Gabbana..<br /><img src="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/118768662.jpg"><br /><br />Something about a hot guy with his legs in the air.<br /><br />Been working my ass off at the gym the past few weeks -more so than usual, back to twice a day getting ready for another gig at the end of this month. Seems like I pass myself coming and going. Really - it pisses me off that it takes so long to make an inch, why can't we just get full body hard ons? It took forever but after blowing out both elbows I am finally able to curl 50's - ok so the whole time I am curling I want to scream like a girl.<br /><br />I swear I don't see a difference but the guys tell me I am making progress. The gym is a dismal place in the morning, not much eye candy, which does make it easier to concentrate on the actual work out. YAY. I haven't made a post about the gym in months.. well none that were <em>this</em> dull anyway. <br /><br />Being grounded sucks the fuzz.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131893060206380092005-11-13T09:31:00.000-05:002005-11-13T18:48:27.096-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://coolrelax.blogspot.com/"><strong>Cool Relax</strong></a>, Proof that sexy isn't always what your showing. Ray-Ray is SOooooo damn cute!! And those ABS! Shoot!!! You may not ever find a guy more "Mom and apple pie", and I would hate it if that ever changed, not that it ever would. When I read his blog I'm always reassured that good guys are not mythical.. just as usual WAY too far away. Then on the other hand these quiet reserved types are the ones to watch when the lights go down... This guy just makes me smile.<br /><br /><strong>Daddy daycare... </strong><br />Daughters are the best, even when they are bad. We had a great talk yesterday, not that I am so dimwitted I believe this will never happen again. We are at least clear on the point that she knows what she did was stupid and dangerous. Every year, usually at the beginning of the school year there are stories of young people that drink themselves to death, often vomiting in their sleep and asphyxiating themselves. The numbers aren't huge but even one is too many. Also covered thoroughly, the genetic predisposition to substance abuse that is a clear and present danger. <br /><br />Yes, by the time the lecture was over she would have promised "World peace" to get me to stop. Sometimes you just have to hope that at least some part of what you said actually stuck. What did stick was that by trying to drink away one problem she simply gained another. Trust is so hard to achieve and so easily lost.<br /><br />She was out with her older cousin that night, a "good boy" ("M"), who then took her by her other cousins.. the "not so good boy"("J"), who together with his wife("B"), immediately began concocting a story that placed her anywhere but there during the escapade. The idiots actually called "M" while he was standing in my livingroom minutes after I called them demanding to know what it was she was drinking, to set the lies in motion.<br /><br />I'm no prude, but really, if you mess up be a man and say so. Nothing will push my buttons faster than when someone pisses on my shoes and tells me it is raining. The whole elaborate smoke screen, put into play to keep my X from finding out her sisters kids got Tiffany drunk, would unravel just hours later when this pack of morons managed to pass the truth about what took place along to my X's Mother, who very promptly promised them to keep it hush, then went straight to my X with it. Indeed the apple did not miss hitting a single stick during it's fall from the crazy tree.<br /><br />Now,all of this came full circle before yours truly had even opened his eyes the following morning. I did not have the option of deciding what to tell my X, the real bottom line is that Tiffany while she may not be an adult, is perfectly capable of making decisions. Clearly bad ones as of late, but none the less - her decision. Granted I would have still been angry had they just come clean, but I am livid with the way this all came down. It's dizzying.<br /><br />There was one surprise.. my X did not freak out. Instead of dragging this around like a dog with a new bone, she kept her cool and went after the kiddies that perpetrated the all night ignoramus fest. I've waited for 2 days for the other shoe to drop.. maybe this is at last a turn for the better? <br /><br />Hey it could happen.<br /><br />All that folderal aside, the girlchild is grounded, and maybe while we are getting through that (because trust me I am now grounded too) I'll find the words, and the moment I need to make the next jump.<br /><br /><strong>Favorite quote of the week:</strong><br />"<em>I rebuke this in the name of the Lord</em>!" -Marguerite Perrin <br /><br /><img src="http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL514/722584/4133999/118608998.jpg"><br /><br />..OMFG! Buckle up ya'll the antichrist is here and she wears spandex.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131823266743695322005-11-12T14:20:00.000-05:002005-11-12T14:37:58.560-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://chrisafer.com/bbbs.htm"><strong>Chrisafer</strong></a>, the very first blog I read. I think <a href="http://being-gay.toptensources.com.toptensources.com/TopTenSources/default.aspx">recognition</a> speaks volumes. Had I not stumbled across his page, I doubt I would be here, ruining my reputation 5 times faster via Comcast. Cheeky, witty, snippy, and likely to look like a schoolboy till he is 50.. utterly sickening. I am not an 85 year old woman and even I want to pinch his cheeks.... Through his blog and the links on his page I found the keys to all things every gay man should know, then I went on to screw it up all on my own.. cuz I am cool like that.<br /><br /><strong>Parenting while impaired</strong><br /><br />I'm not a happy Dad this morning. My daughter, has been going through a rather messy break up with Mr. Bad Habit, (we'll call him BH, even though I have a veritable laundry list of expletives that fit), did something stupid last night that resulted in her naked on the bathroom floor head in toilet. Perhaps dumber still, the idea that I may have lead her there by example, thus giving further credence to the fact that parent's are not perfect.<br /><br />You can't drink away a boyfriend any faster than you can drink your truck back together. As I sit here reflecting on this, she is cleaning the apartment, no doubt thinking she is going to brown nose her way to freedom... not this time. Though I can't escape the fact that parents do lead by example, and my own <a href="http://wickedmanlives.blogspot.com/2005/10/bang.html">culpability</a> is all too obvious.<br /><br />I had planned to come out to her this weekend, last night in fact.. timing is as they say everything. I'm thinking we have other things to discuss.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131675479905035002005-11-10T16:14:00.000-05:002005-11-13T02:34:11.313-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://bratboyschool.com/bulletin/2005/11/new_ethan_stew.html"><strong>Bratboyschool</strong></a>, ummm, that link is not to his main page.. you can find your way there by clicking <a href="http://bratboyschool.com/"><strong>HERE</strong></a>, I used the other link for obvious reasons.. HOT beef stew! I don't even care what is in it.. *blinks* Ethan is a proper mix of world events and tasteful exhibitionism.. <em>and</em> Beef Stew. Seriously... what's not to like?<br /><br /><strong>November 10, 1979</strong><br /><br />Today would have been my 26th anniversary.. Happy 1st non anniversary to me! More importantly - Happy Birthday to <a href="http://www.echeblog.com/"><strong>Marc</strong>!</a>, who was all of 6 years old at the time.. I'm depressed now.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131587344779698652005-11-09T20:17:00.000-05:002005-11-10T01:31:35.930-05:00<strong>Blog(s) of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://bradfordshellhammer.com/weblog.html"><strong>Bradford</strong></a>, also editor at <a href="http://www.queerty.com/">Queerty</a> ..Hmm think of the gay blogosphere as the "Valley of the Dolls", Bradford would be that bitchy older doll character Helen Larson, played by Susan Hayward, that got her wig tugged off by the boozy pill popping doll Neely Ohara, played by Patty Duke,<a href="http://vividblurry.com/">Toby, of Vividblurry</a> would be a natch for that role no?... eh I forgot where I was going with this and furthermore I am too lazy to cut and paste faces to the stills... use your imagination.<br /><br />Great lines from the movie - or was it Bradford and Toby Sniping at each other?<br /><br />The famous Helen Lawson/Neely battle:<br /><br />Bradford: They kicked you outa Hollywood, so ya come crawling back to Broadway. Well Brooahdway doesn't go for BOOOZE and dope. <br /><br />Bradford: Get out of my way, I got a man waiting for me!<br />Toby: Makes a change from the fags you usually hang around with.<br />Bradford: At least I didn't have to marry one!<br />Toby (after pulling off Bradford's wig): It's a wig! Her hair's as fake as she is.<br /><br />Well you get the picture. All kidding aside? Fun stuff.<br /><br /><br />Went to see Jacquie yesterday, after beating my ass for having kept this secret all this time. We talked, laughed, cried.. then she agreed to get up off my chest. Suddenly this got a little less scary.<br /><br />Trainer guy at the gym keeps referring to me as "Mr. Pitt" - ok, one time was sorta cute, now it's getting a little disturbing. Trainer guy, if your reading here, a simple hello is cool.<br /><br />I don't normally comment on politics here, but Detroit did re-elect Kwame Kilpatrick by a narrow margin last night. Anyone attending Superbowl '06, the really HOT party will NOT be at the Mayoral Mansion, will NOT include hookers, strippers, or drugs, and that's final.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131459153030221872005-11-08T09:04:00.000-05:002005-11-08T17:34:28.183-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><br /><a href="http://www.blogawrinkle.blogspot.com/"><strong>A Wrinkle in Time</strong></a>, ironic how at times aspects of our lives seem to intersect. Sean too uses his blog as the place to vent his inner most thoughts, sometimes it is the things in us that break our hearts that string us together. <br /><br /><strong>The Parents</strong><br /><br />The thing about parents is that they seem so omniscient when we are little, and it can be so disillusioning when we realize that they really are just simply human - and often flawed. I am forever amazed that people don't have to be licensed to have children, not that something like that would be fool proof for sure.<br /><br />I can't stay angry with my parents, no matter what. If they decide to disown me, I'll just continue to love them, because much the same as my relationship with my X I just don't know how to hate. I don't want to learn. I don't have the energy to hate, and if I did, I would hope I could find a better way to use it.<br /><br />My Father is a brilliant man, Doctorates and all. But he was not equipped to be a father.. in fact if he had to test for such a thing he would certainly have had a tough time achieving "window licker" status. He abused because it was what he was shown. My Mother should have been institutionalized when I was 5.. she could not have even taken the test because she would have to have been sober enough to hold the pencil. <br /><br />It took me a long time to see that they were just a product of what they passed through on the way. They are still together, making each other miserable still after 48 years of marriage. As if marriage is some kind of holy sissy test that will give you better accommodations in the great hereafter. For an educated man, he doth surprise and confound me. Two people can live a lifetime together, have 4 children and still never be a family. <br /><br />The money - I was raised like every trust fund brat in many respects.. I'm recovering from that, it's sort of like a handicap you never knew you had. I do wish I had planned a little better.. but wishes don't pay the bills. If I never see the inheritance I'll be just fine. It didn't mean anything to me when I had it and it still doesn't. I waited all my life just to have their love, and some things will just never happen no matter what you do.<br /><br />In the words that say it better than I can;<br /><br />Makes me that much stronger<br />Makes me work a little bit harder<br />It makes me that much wiser<br />So thanks for makin' me a fighter<br />Made me learn a little bit faster<br />Made my skin a little bit thicker<br />Makes me that much smarter<br />So thanks for makin' me a fighter<br /><br /><strong>Adendum:</strong><br />I think all moronic parental activity should be tried before <a href="http://http://www.judgejudy.com/home/home.asp">Judge Judy</a>. Muah!<br /><br /><strong>This just in..</strong><br />Michigan seems to have misplaced 8,000 or so sex offenders, sorta gives ya that warm fuzzy feeling.Scotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10661320.post-1131299464882791192005-11-06T12:33:00.000-05:002005-11-07T00:13:18.203-05:00<strong>Blog of the day</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><a href="http://billinexile.blogspot.com/"><strong>Bill in Exile</strong></a>, whether it is his writing style or the gritty slices of life, these guys are a must read. Closer than brothers for a lot of reasons you can glean from the blog. This month marks the second anniversary of the death of my older brother Craig, of complications arising from his addiction to Heroin. I'm glad Bill is seeing the upside of his circumstances, despite his dreary surroundings. I often ponder that if Craig had been arrested and jailed he might be alive today. Bill will go on to be a remarkable success.. I can just feel it.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Recoil</strong><br /><br />I've sort of been hiding out since the yahoo conversation with Jacquie.. I know it's silly but I do that from time to time when things get overwhelming. Besides - my truck is busted, I think the oil pump is shot.. and after talking to my X last night I am pretty sure I will walk wherever I need to go rather than ever ask her for another thing. <br /><br />It just amazes me that I keep letting her suck me back in. During last nights conversation the subject of my coming out came up, I never told her I came out to Jaquie. She said "You aren't seriously thinking about telling the kids.. do you have any idea what this will do to them?" went on to cover all the bases, what people will say.. the wretched jokes the circus folk on her side will be tossing around.. <br /><br />The subject of my parents came up and again she denies telling them but some things you just know.. and no matter if she hasn't they will know. She said I better not do anything stupid or I will be disowned completely.. I couldn't help but wonder exactly how that would change anything from where it is now? <br /><br />I'm weary of guessing what fresh hell she must have laid on them to make them turn their backs on me again.. although it is really just a testament to the fact they really never knew me to begin with, and certainly they can't have valued me much at all as a son. Why do I continue to let this shit touch me. <br /><br />She went on to tell me how selfish I was, and that having lived a lie all my life I should shut up at least till the holidays are over.. and then it occurred to me she is really frightened. Once this is out she has lost her power.<br /><br />I'm going to need to toughen up fast, this next wave is going to be a killerScotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06901717982259186742noreply@blogger.com