Frequency
It is one movie that guarantees to choke me up.. and make me think. What if you could somehow go back in time and undo things..
OK time to back up here for a sec. A month ago I made a really sweet young friend who I dubbed Sexymod. There was an unexpected twist in this new friendship.. it turned out that he was fast falling for me.. and I felt like such a tool. It never occurred to me he could, and my presence was making him doubt some life decisions he had made, important ones.
I had explained when we first met that I had just finished a nasty divorce and was in no way relationship minded, as we chatted something about him just disarmed my most basic defense mechanisms, I led him into my world, including this place where I share things that I normally share with no one, never thinking it would happen that he might get hurt.
The irony is that I found myself falling for him too. If this had happened 20 years and a world apart he is totally the kind of guy I could have spent a lifetime with. But fate is often cruel and things don't always happen the way we would like them to. He is poised to go places in his career, his world is comprised of things I dreamt of when I was his age, and takes him to destinations and experiences that he should and will share with someone who has his same freedom.
The leaps I have made over the past few short months dwarf the past year. I have been a busy man.. and trying to keep the some of the details from him has definitely changed the way I write here. He knew I was seeing a few guys, and I think he began to think that if he gave up his decision to remain abstinent that I would change my mind about going further with him.. and what is worse is that I think he may have done something silly to this end. It would kill me to think I had a hand in that.
What he needs to know is that I'll always love him as a friend, but I can't ever let myself be more than that to him. It would only result in hurting him, as there is no way I can consider a relationship right now, and I know that he will find that guy like me who is his age and can run away with him as he makes his climb.
Even if it were possible to go back in time.. there are too many things that I cherish that I would lose if I undid what is done, and how could I ever choose that.
Goodies make the boys jump on
OR my big GAY assed weekend!
A date with "P", meeting him at his apartment, sweet man, slim dark haired, dark eyed, and funny. Sexy combination. We had a drink and hailed a cab taking us to
Necto aka the Nectarine. Much half naked dancing and drinking, a proper group grope by a bunch of young hotties that are way too young.. some truly shameless muscle flexing whilst cooling off in the outdoor courtyard and poor "P's" fate was sealed. My abs do look pretty bloody hot when I am soaking wet with sweat. YAY!
I about broke the poor boy when I got him back to his place.. he did his best to keep up. I drifted off to sleep wrapped around him, waking at 4:30 AM to scurry off so as to be home when Tiffany woke up.. the little bitch waited up for me.. I am grounded.
SaturGAY night.
"P" called and had me meet him at Club Gold Coast, which turned out to be an absolutely treacherous ride.. I hate this state, there is not a single fucking road that is not under construction, and I am directionally retarded anyway. I got there, the dancers were for the most part a snore, save one very HOT dark haired boy who had a flawless body..*sigh* I somehow wound up with my hand in his ass floss. I am pretty sure given a 10 minute conversation I could have left there with him.. damn.
"P" had a friend meet him there - young guy very large frame, he jokingly made a remark about the three of us and an orgy.. I laughed and said goodnight.
SunGAY
A quick chat this AM with "Med" (a med student I have been.. seeing), who is blonde, blue eyed, smooth and bloody gorgeous, YES he is also too young - but hell I think they all are and this one is just too pretty to ever say no too. It left me speeding to the other side of town for totally pornographic "I am so going to hell" Sabbath day sex. I'll repent the speed limit I violated, the two old ladies I cut off, the NO TURN ON RED that I ignored.. but coming through the door he left unlocked to slide in behind his tight naked body - nah. I love the way he moans my name.
Dear Lord,
When he moves to Chicago next month, please replace him with like kind quality.
Amen.
Monday, April 25, 2005
My give a shit is broken
It's Monday and I am late hell for work again . I will have an argument with Satan (my boss) again this morning, but this one will be different. For nearly 2 years I have waited patiently for this ass hat to put together my new facility.. I got moved in on Thursday, and still no heat or running water, and no sign of the equiptment on my list.. color me pissed.
SO. While I do feel some level of responsibility to complete the half million dollar albatross I am currently doing for him - it does not extend to the degree I am willing to drive a block to relieve myself.
My X has at last been put at a distance, the court date resolved that she will attend anger management classes, get psychological counseling(ha), make restitution - IE pay for the damages to my truck and the restaurant, and will be placed on probation for an undetermined period of time in exchange for my cooperation in dropping the charges down to misdemeanor assault.
She showed up in court looking positively old and fat, on the arm of her boss.. my daughter is right he does look just like Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. What a dork. She cut me an evil grin on the way into court.. very Glenn Close...yikes! For a second it made me want to rescind the deal and have her ass locked up. But this is the end with her.. I've not had the curse of vindictiveness yet and I don't want to start now.. it would require dedication of time I want to invest in other men.. I mean places.
I'm feeling stronger, and ya'll have been here with me propping me up when I am down - I'm humbled and grateful, and proud that you make me part of your world.
It's Monday and I am late hell for work again . I will have an argument with Satan (my boss) again this morning, but this one will be different. For nearly 2 years I have waited patiently for this ass hat to put together my new facility.. I got moved in on Thursday, and still no heat or running water, and no sign of the equiptment on my list.. color me pissed.
SO. While I do feel some level of responsibility to complete the half million dollar albatross I am currently doing for him - it does not extend to the degree I am willing to drive a block to relieve myself.
My X has at last been put at a distance, the court date resolved that she will attend anger management classes, get psychological counseling(ha), make restitution - IE pay for the damages to my truck and the restaurant, and will be placed on probation for an undetermined period of time in exchange for my cooperation in dropping the charges down to misdemeanor assault.
She showed up in court looking positively old and fat, on the arm of her boss.. my daughter is right he does look just like Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. What a dork. She cut me an evil grin on the way into court.. very Glenn Close...yikes! For a second it made me want to rescind the deal and have her ass locked up. But this is the end with her.. I've not had the curse of vindictiveness yet and I don't want to start now.. it would require dedication of time I want to invest in other men.. I mean places.
I'm feeling stronger, and ya'll have been here with me propping me up when I am down - I'm humbled and grateful, and proud that you make me part of your world.
Monday, April 18, 2005
The blues
How is it that when hearts break there is no sound.. How can it be that God gave sound to almost every other thing and function, yet for emotion there is just mind numbing silence. You would think a heart breaking would sound like a thousand angels softly weeping... but I suppose the world would be a very noisey place if emotions had sound.
I came out to my therapist at last.. it was just as scary as I thought it would be. She is a really fantastic lady, and said it was an honor to her I finally trusted her enough to let her in. I've been going over in my mind for days this long trek of mine.. so many twists and turns. Little more than a year ago I started seeing a therapist to help me summon the strength to end a relationship that was slowly killing me. The topic was love, and the fact I feel so unworthy of it. I can give it unconditionally without reserve yet I find it so difficult to accept.
For so long love has been a razor strap, something that has been used against me. When I was a child our house was an emotional vacuum, my mother was far too sick to be able to convey love, my father way too busy. Hugs and kisses were things I saw on TV, there were none in that house. I thought I had done something terrible to be so ignored, I was a sad lonely child, and life was very solitary.
I had my first gay lover when I was 13. Allen and I had been friends since kindergarten. Funny, cute, articulate and a romantic.. he saved things from everytime we were together, something I would later do for silly things with my kids.. ticket stubs, game tokens.. things that bring back that moment.
We were in a parochial grade school.. a place where such things were looked on as mortal sins. It was hard to reconcile going to hell for accepting his love. I was gay and in love before I had ever even heard the term, let alone understood it. I knew he loved me back, and to me that was just such a miracle.. so inconceivable. It seemed so impossible to me.. accepting his love in the face of religion that was drilled into us on a daily basis, a religion that taught that such things were greeted with eternal damnation. Fire and brimstone.. for the love of this boy, it left me in tears when I was in the dark and alone.
In the circle we traveled in at the time we were careful never to let on, often flirting with girls to keep the suspicion away.. then clandestine meetings in the woods behind the ymca and making out. hot, naked, tumbling in the grass. He wanted to go further than I was ready to go, in my head as long as I didn't let him do "that".. I had technically not completed a "Mortal Sin".
He was always the bolder one, and when he decided he had to come out, despite my begging him not to, it caused an explosion of a magnitude he never expected, his parents hatred and disgust was such that they shipped him off to some dirt track in Wyoming to "become a real man". It changed the course of my life forever, and we would never be together that way again.
In the days after he was sent away, his father and mother persisted in the hunt for the boy who had turned their son gay, phoning the parents of everyone of us who hung out together. Not a day seemed to go by in our circle that the subject was not front and center.. I was terrified. Fingers were pointed back and forth, and yet somehow they were never pointed at me. I felt awful for not coming forward and at the same time relieved everytime the target moved away from me.
Weeks later when I thought I was in the clear, walking home from a friends I ran across the older brother of another friend of mine in that woods. As I walked I could hear his steps quicken behind me, as I turned to see where he was a blinding pain shot across the back of my head, I went face down, and turned over as he kicked me in the face, and then again repeatedly in the chest and stomach.
I don't remember much else other than being dragged off the path by my shirt, the collar nearly turning to a garrot.. the whole way he ranted about knowing all about me, called me a dirty little cocksucker, and he knew what I liked. It seemed like hours but the whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes, he left me there bloody and half naked.
I would see him repeatedly throughout my school years, one look from him made me want to run. He said if I ever told he would be sure everyone knew "my secret" but actually we existed under an implied mutual destruction, I could just as easily have destroyed him. I heard he died in a drunk driving accident in the 80's. I always hoped it would be more painful and lingering.
If I felt like a Judas for not having stepped forward as the boy who would be queer, I accepted what happened as my punishment for not having been brave enough to stand up, and God's punishment for having sinned, falling in love with a boy. I spent the rest of my teen years going out of my way to be sure nobody would ever suspect I was gay. See the post "100 things" to see where that landed me.
Allen returned shortly before I married in 1979. We spoke briefly before the wedding and he tried to talk me out of it. He came to my wedding under protest, and shortly after moved away. We never spoke again. His man at his side, April 14th, 1995 he died of Aids. He took part of me with him.. it kills me to that our last words were tearful and bittersweet.
He is in every kiss.. I can still smell his hair.
How is it that when hearts break there is no sound.. How can it be that God gave sound to almost every other thing and function, yet for emotion there is just mind numbing silence. You would think a heart breaking would sound like a thousand angels softly weeping... but I suppose the world would be a very noisey place if emotions had sound.
I came out to my therapist at last.. it was just as scary as I thought it would be. She is a really fantastic lady, and said it was an honor to her I finally trusted her enough to let her in. I've been going over in my mind for days this long trek of mine.. so many twists and turns. Little more than a year ago I started seeing a therapist to help me summon the strength to end a relationship that was slowly killing me. The topic was love, and the fact I feel so unworthy of it. I can give it unconditionally without reserve yet I find it so difficult to accept.
For so long love has been a razor strap, something that has been used against me. When I was a child our house was an emotional vacuum, my mother was far too sick to be able to convey love, my father way too busy. Hugs and kisses were things I saw on TV, there were none in that house. I thought I had done something terrible to be so ignored, I was a sad lonely child, and life was very solitary.
I had my first gay lover when I was 13. Allen and I had been friends since kindergarten. Funny, cute, articulate and a romantic.. he saved things from everytime we were together, something I would later do for silly things with my kids.. ticket stubs, game tokens.. things that bring back that moment.
We were in a parochial grade school.. a place where such things were looked on as mortal sins. It was hard to reconcile going to hell for accepting his love. I was gay and in love before I had ever even heard the term, let alone understood it. I knew he loved me back, and to me that was just such a miracle.. so inconceivable. It seemed so impossible to me.. accepting his love in the face of religion that was drilled into us on a daily basis, a religion that taught that such things were greeted with eternal damnation. Fire and brimstone.. for the love of this boy, it left me in tears when I was in the dark and alone.
In the circle we traveled in at the time we were careful never to let on, often flirting with girls to keep the suspicion away.. then clandestine meetings in the woods behind the ymca and making out. hot, naked, tumbling in the grass. He wanted to go further than I was ready to go, in my head as long as I didn't let him do "that".. I had technically not completed a "Mortal Sin".
He was always the bolder one, and when he decided he had to come out, despite my begging him not to, it caused an explosion of a magnitude he never expected, his parents hatred and disgust was such that they shipped him off to some dirt track in Wyoming to "become a real man". It changed the course of my life forever, and we would never be together that way again.
In the days after he was sent away, his father and mother persisted in the hunt for the boy who had turned their son gay, phoning the parents of everyone of us who hung out together. Not a day seemed to go by in our circle that the subject was not front and center.. I was terrified. Fingers were pointed back and forth, and yet somehow they were never pointed at me. I felt awful for not coming forward and at the same time relieved everytime the target moved away from me.
Weeks later when I thought I was in the clear, walking home from a friends I ran across the older brother of another friend of mine in that woods. As I walked I could hear his steps quicken behind me, as I turned to see where he was a blinding pain shot across the back of my head, I went face down, and turned over as he kicked me in the face, and then again repeatedly in the chest and stomach.
I don't remember much else other than being dragged off the path by my shirt, the collar nearly turning to a garrot.. the whole way he ranted about knowing all about me, called me a dirty little cocksucker, and he knew what I liked. It seemed like hours but the whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes, he left me there bloody and half naked.
I would see him repeatedly throughout my school years, one look from him made me want to run. He said if I ever told he would be sure everyone knew "my secret" but actually we existed under an implied mutual destruction, I could just as easily have destroyed him. I heard he died in a drunk driving accident in the 80's. I always hoped it would be more painful and lingering.
If I felt like a Judas for not having stepped forward as the boy who would be queer, I accepted what happened as my punishment for not having been brave enough to stand up, and God's punishment for having sinned, falling in love with a boy. I spent the rest of my teen years going out of my way to be sure nobody would ever suspect I was gay. See the post "100 things" to see where that landed me.
Allen returned shortly before I married in 1979. We spoke briefly before the wedding and he tried to talk me out of it. He came to my wedding under protest, and shortly after moved away. We never spoke again. His man at his side, April 14th, 1995 he died of Aids. He took part of me with him.. it kills me to that our last words were tearful and bittersweet.
He is in every kiss.. I can still smell his hair.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Wow
Has it been that long? I have been a tad caught up in other things lately. Thank GAWD.
I've met some very cool guys and things have been settling down at last.. the X has been busy licking her wounds, and has actually abided by the PPO.. WOW and that was all it took? Pinch me.
The preliminary court date is April 12th, I am dreading it because I know I will actually have to see her. I wonder if they can put her in one of those cute "Silence of the Lambs" outfits.. you know the waste and ankle manicles and the haute looking mask? I should ask.
Wow that was really GAY. More to come later.
Has it been that long? I have been a tad caught up in other things lately. Thank GAWD.
I've met some very cool guys and things have been settling down at last.. the X has been busy licking her wounds, and has actually abided by the PPO.. WOW and that was all it took? Pinch me.
The preliminary court date is April 12th, I am dreading it because I know I will actually have to see her. I wonder if they can put her in one of those cute "Silence of the Lambs" outfits.. you know the waste and ankle manicles and the haute looking mask? I should ask.
Wow that was really GAY. More to come later.
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