*Hicup*

Not sure how that happened?

Where to begin..

I'm out of hiding. After nearly two weeks of pins and needles I have decided that there is no way I can keep running, she will only find me again anyway. Last week she was arraigned on charges, and during the booking they found another warrant in another city and shipped her over there post haste. She bonded out on that and back to our fair town for her date with the law - which turned out to be more of a brief interlude.. she was out by 5 as suspected.

While she was there she apparently had enough time to chat with my middle son, and send him back with some veiled threats. She crossed the line. What kind of person plants her kids in the middle of her next wave of nasty. I am forever amazed I survived all this time with her.

I'm done letting her knock my world off it's axis.

I have been dodging Matty, behaving like a schoolboy.. he is away at his folks for the holiday, when he comes back we have to have a serious talk.. I would never do anything to hurt him, but I think the time has come to cool it between us for a while.

A night to remember

After an afternoon with my little guy.. get your mind out of the gutter - I had plans to go to my first club with my truly FABULOUS guy. I couldn't have chosen a more charming stud to go clubbing with, although I wound up arriving way late because my little guy's mom didn't show up to get him and I had to drop him off.

Sexy Mod was ultra sweet about my late arrival at Pronto, we left there post haste and headed to Q. After a few chilly moments in line, we squeezed our way through the gaggle of men, got a couple cosmos on the way, and found a place to stand and take it all in. Sexy Mod was really sweet, I know he wanted to dance but he stayed with me - I was just glued in place LOL! I was such a geek.

I promised him next time we would arrive early and ply me with enough booze to get me on the dance floor, I am way more inhibited around men.. not sure why that is. Sexy Mod knew I was sort of knocked out by it all, I couldn't have had a more wonderful guy for my first time out. It helped too that he was looking ultra hot and as the guys fluttered around him he made introductions.. it is a cool thing to arrive with a hella sexy man at your side when hitting a gay club for the first time.

The contenders came and went and he never gave them an inch, the man has amazing restraint..they were all way hot. But Sexy Mod has reached the point where he has moved past all that, and he is looking for that part inside of them.. why is it men are so reluctant to show who they are inside? Sexy Mod brushed them off - looks alone won't impress him. *sigh* I feel so callow and silly sometimes when I am with him. I haven't reached his level yet.

I hoped I was not dragging him down with my constant online flirting, he is always ribbing me about my online activities - he seemed so sad last night as we chatted.. But this morning something utterly unexpected unfolded.. I've been such an ignorant, thoughtless fool.

Mondays suck.
Or is it Sunday sucks and bleeds into the innocent Monday. I got guilted into dinner at my Mother's yesterday. Tiffany came down with something (ha) and I got stuck facing the musac alone. *sigh* "She means well." Got back and laid down for a second.. Matt had called, I was just too wrecked to move, went face down in the pillow and stayed there.

Today at noon I got a call from the detectives, they were phoning the X to let her know she is charged with assault with a dangerous weapon, and felony assault. She has an appointment to turn herself in on Wednesday.. YES, you read this right. Apparently one can phone in assault charges and set appointments for capture. Huzzah!

I took Tiffany to get her nails done and she is back into hiding at least till Wednesday. I had several blocked ID calls after talking to the detective, my X is not stupid. Got the final estimate on my truck as well - $3,300.00 that I am quite certain I will never see from her.

On the upside I'm told that Kevlar vests are all the rage. YAY!

I am such a tool.

I was on with a new friend last night, he is a European Model,HOT,crazy sexy cool. Wise well beyond his years, he makes me laugh and think. I really want to meet him, he lives nearby, but I have to admit he intimidates me. He is handsome and funny, hella sexy, and way more together than I am right now. He cracks on me for hanging out on Gay . com, and I admit I prolly deserve it. I was on last night with another guy while I was chatting with him - the guy asks if I "PNP". (Plug n Play??) I'm stupified LOL!! So I am looking it up on google - yes I am that uneducated! ROTFLMAO! So SexyMod tells me what it is, TOO FUNNY! Ugh. And no.. I do not do drugs, I only act like I do. He thinks I am an idiot no doubt. He is probably right.

Life is exploding for me right now, so many things I don't know it is daunting, scary, hot, LORD! I am a big gay Forest Gump. I was on later with my
Crunch , who is also so much wiser than I - and I realized there is so much I need to learn yet. I'm like one of those calves you see on the learning channel - stumbling all over the place.

SexyMod has already been through all this, so has my Crunch.. and everyone else. I knew I would have dues to pay, just never expected I would be so slow to get up to speed. So tell me, how long does it take to behave like a rational human being again. I wasn't this awkward when I was 13.

Off to the gym.. to ponder and sweat.

I am crawling the walls here.. I toyed with restoring my old archives but it would just be too damned much work, and I am playing hookey. However, this one post pretty much sums it up, taken from my old blog.

4.9.2004


101 things about me - cuz hey I am way cool too.


1.) I was an accident, a so called pill baby.
2.) Mother never let me forget that I was an accident.
3.) YES she is a bitch.
4.) I was artistic as a child.
5.) I would rather draw than do math any day.
6.) The teachers were not amused.
7.) I attended parochial school from K to 8th grade.
8.) I hated every minute of it.
9.) I knew I was gay when I was 8.
10.) I used to deliberately mutilate biblical verses during recitation to amuse my fans.
11.) Still the teachers were not amused.
12.) Tough crowd those teachers.
13.) I should have started this when I was 11.
14.) I got hammered on Jim Beam the same day I started smoking at age 12. Father had an awesome liquor cabinet.
15.) It got very messy.. Toby would have been proud.
16.) I puked all over the principles legs and into his loafers.
17.) I wanted to fuck the principle.. Puking, same difference right??
18.) I did my first hit of acid in 9th grade.
19.) My Science teacher was a FOX named Mr. Ryan, I feigned near retardation to get one on one time with him..
20.) He WAS amused and had no idea why.
21.) I had sex the first time in a tree fort 100 feet in the air. I was 12.
22.) When I was 13 my older brother charged admission to watch me fuck Lynn O. at the garage window.
23.) He bought an ounce of weed.
24.) I was amused. Columbian Gold WOOOoo fucking HOOO!.
25.) My cover as a gay teen resulted in my fucking 23 girls in Ninth grade. We can now afford angel dust.. yay.
26.) Nobody ever walked away without their cookie.
27.) I was an accomplished Fucker.
28.) Still my teachers were unimpressed.
29.) I was drunk and unconscious through most of Highschool.
30.) I quit polling the teachers - what do they know.
31.) I stole my Father's 69 Boss Mustang when I was 14 and buried it to the floor in mud.
32.) Father was not amused.
33.) I stole my Father's 74 Ghia when I was 14 1/2, Hit 2 poles, creamed both sides, bent all 4 wheels.
34.) It was loud.. FWAP FWAP FWAP!! Jesus. Woke the whole damned neighborhood.
35.) Some of them were amused.. *Takes a bow*
36.) At 15, Mother wanted to have the court declare me incorrigible.
37.) Father found it unnecessary to have a court confirm it.. KUDOS Father.
38.) I moved in with my friend Jacquie and her Mom Jeanne and Bro Peter at age 15.. Fuck you Mom.
39.) Peter was scandalously hot, I wanted him - he never knew.
40.) I was an artist, my specialty was abstract oils and subjects involved physical abuse.
41.) Jeanne was the only one to catch that.. She helped patch me up.
42.) Well she tried.
43.) I don't remember much of 16.. too many clubs with my older bro.
44.) I tracked the really good parties through the cars I wrecked.. Hey it was the 70's.
45.) The Secretary of State was not amused.
46.) In the 7 accidents I had by age 17 I was smashed in all of them yet have NEVER had a DUI or any other ticket.. The 70's had an up side - who knew??
47.) No one other than me was ever injured.. although 3 cars were totaled.
48.) I hunted the one I call my wife on a dare.. She was mine by graduation day.
49.) I cried when I got her knocked up. I was barely 18.
50.) Beneath the drunken closeted gay debaucher there was shockingly a kid who wanted to be a good Dad more than anything in the world. Screwed that closet door shut.
51.) I am crying now.
52.) Against my family's wishes, I was married November 10th, 1979 before 400 witnesses. A drunken good time was had by all.
53.) I dropped out of College to work in a factory and support my family - again fuck you Mom.
54.) You can tell Mom and I are close right??
55.) My Son Shaun was born before my eyes on the 14th of April 1980, I cried really really hard.. I was hit from the moment I held his hand.
56.) I found out my wife was a very crazy violent bitch shortly after. Too late.
57.) Son Ryan, September 7th of '81.
58.) Son Christopher October 3rd of '82.
59.) Through these years I learned you can love someone in ways that have nothing to do with sex, that there are other things that eclipse the needs of one. I also learned that when they betray you it still hurts.
60.) In '88 I learned that women are capable of heinous things when faced with the potential loss of security.
61.) The consummate actress, my wife faked a pregnancy to block me from leaving her.. she rode it right to month nine before confessing.
62.) By the time she confessed she actually was 2 months pregnant. Tricky bitch.
63.) My daughter Tiffany arrives June 16th 1989. I vowed to spoil her rotten, well you know me and vows.
64.) YES I am crying again. Shuddup.
65.) I endured my wife's emotional blackmail, reckless spending, innumerable lies, back stabbing, 2 affairs, drug abuse, physical abuse, mental torture and yes regularly serviced her sexual requirements forsaking all others all the while being a closeted gay man and never stepped out of my role for 24 years.
66.) Learned that even I have limits, that for every lie I accepted part of my self respect died a painful end.
67.) Ran out of self respect, substituted self hatred.
68.) Restoring/painting antique cars was my vocation and I loved it.
69.) In 2000 My wife upon learning I planned to divorce her again popped up pregnant, I was livid convinced it could not be mine.
70.) I insisted on an Amnio. I am so fucking smart.
71.) Don't know how but she was mine. I was so fucking confused.
72.) Sabrina was born 3 months premature on September 12th 2000, at 1 lb 7 oz. She was gorgeous.
73.) She died in my arms October 10th 2000.. I will never forgive myself. Ever.
74.) I am crying again - I can't be doing this right.
75.) My wife resumed her thing with wonder boy, I let her lie to me.
76.) After 8 years of this shit I celebrated with an attempted suicide.
77.) January 3rd 2004, independence day, get out bitch.
78.) This is way more difficult than it looks. She of course refused to leave.. go figure.
79.) A week later at 236 lbs I begin my trek..
80.) I have lost nearly 70 lbs.
81.) She is not amused.
82.) Ya I give a shit.
83.) The funny fucker in me is trying to find his way back.. he RULES you know.
84.) Stepping back - when I decided to start buggering the girls I read everything I could get my hands on.. I am way anal and have to be best at everything I do.
85.) I am now reading all of you in an effort to be the best yet again.. you better know I will blame you if I suck or don't.. Oh you know what I mean.
86.) Yes that was really funny.
87.) No one in my life suspects I am gay accept my Mother.. she does not count.
88.) I work out every day twice a day.
89.) My body now?? Think Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 1.
90.) Yes boys. It really is that good.
91.) I feel things deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve.
92.) This has been used against me..
93.) I am down to medical information.. gah!
94.) I broke 12 teeth in the last and worst car accident I was in.. Yes they are fixed.
95.) In 95 during a fight with "N" she grabbed my coat then released it - I went down a 1/2 flight of steps and ruptured 4 discs herniated 2 others., wheel chair, 2 surgeries, 2 months in hospital, 1 1/2 months learning how to walk again, 18 months in physical therapy.
96.) In 97 when remodeling the house I nearly severed 3 fingers on a table saw. I am so clever.
97.) Living with someone I can't stand hurts more than any of the above.
98.) God and I talk a lot - he never listens.
99.)(whew) I almost forgot I am also a Poppa - SHUDDUP up lmao!!! Justin is going to be 3 in July.
100.) I adore my kids, they are what I did the best.
101.) I am not afraid to be sappy or emotional.. when you've had a thousand strange medical people playing with your parts embarrassment no longer exists - or is at least a subjective thing. For this guy who is moving minute to minute you people are helping me in ways you may never comprehend, I'm just in awe.

Much Love,
Scott

Bah!

I am still in the dark as to what is going on with the charges against my X, this makes day 9. At this point she no doubt feels secure that nothing over and above the PPO is coming, which will make her all the more furious if/when they do finally take action. I tried all afternoon to reach the prosecutors office and was repeatedly parked on hold until the call was disconnected. Welcome to the system.

The X has already violated the PPO, she has been trying to get my daughter to see her - she knows fucking well the PPO extends to her, and she is simply trying to see how far she can push me I am sure. I'm holding off in hopes they will pick her up today, if it hasn't happened by 4:00 PM I am changing her number again. I could I suppose be a prick and report her for calling at all - but I don't want to represent as being petty, and would just like these idiots to do their job. I have been pretty much off work since this happened, and I need to be back to work on Monday - even Satan has his limits.

I've curtailed all romantic quests as well, poor Matt thinks I have dumped him despite my best efforts to reasure him. I just don't feel comfortable with the prospect I may drag an innocent party into danger. Last night I had a car follow me all the way from the gym to the entrance to my apartment.. I spent half the trip gropeing around in my truck for something to swing. It slowed as I moved to the left turn lane.. sort of like he couldn't make up his mind what to do - then pulled past me. It was too dark to see the driver, and all I could think was this is it - in my mind I pictured the bullets blasting through the glass. Then I just sat there.. feeling sort of stupid. I'm puting my attorney on this today.

I want to fly away.

Cliff hanger

Days spent on pins and needles waiting for the charges to get leveled, still nothing. I have arrainged for my daughter to be hidden away, she leaves tonight. I want to cry just thinking about having to send her away, but I just cant take any chances. I'll sleep better knowing she is out of harms way.

I spoke to the prosecutor for the county yesterday, she told me the felony assault is going ahead and they are looking at a possible attempted murder charge, then told me that they will have to give her a personal bond because she has almost no criminal history - accept the drug charges from last year. I told her that left us sitting ducks, she said well if she comes near you she will spend the rest of the trial behind bars..

My next of kin will no doubt rejoice.

Boy kisses

Matty wasn't mad.. not even a little. I am going to have to be careful with this one, he is definite boyfriend material. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I don't think I am anywhere near being ready to commit. He is a gorgeous guy, well built, 6' 5", lips that make me all kindsa hot, dark bedroom eyes.. mmmmm. I love to talk with him, he makes me smile - and he thinks I'm all that. But he is very young, and while it may not be an issue now, it's a given it will be later. I'm content to enjoy now.

The loon is still on the loose, and if they don't have a real snappy answer as to why, I may be retaining Jeffrey Fieger and suing them into the next millennium. I've established through my sources that she knows I am pressing charges, and if they don't lock her up this will no doubt just add fuel to what is already an inferno.

It is bad enough to have to endure the cynical looks from the cops that showed up at the scene, that aww the big strong man can't handle his woman thing. But it isn't just me they have left unprotected here, and that pisses me off to no end.

My daughter is in more danger here than even I am, as she knows the one thing in this world that would destroy me would be loosing her. I've made arrangements to move her to her girlfriends uncles, her girlfriend is going to keep her company. I just cant take any chances.

It infuriates me that even out of my life this shrew is still encroaching on my freedom. No one should have to live in fear.

The coolest things in life.

I had a really fantastic chat with Smart Sexy Guy last night... HOT. It's official, I have my first online crunch.

I've had a lazy weekend, I stood my poor Mattyliscious up last night, and I fear he is rather pissed off. It wasn't intentional, I sat down to watch a video the boys brought over and just went out like a light. *sigh*

Today is for my guys.. the ones that really count.

YEAH BABY!

It's official!! Kiss me I am SINGLE!!!!!!

The drama was huge, it always is where my EX is concerned. "N" didn't take the news very well, not sure what she thought the outcome was going to be - but the post divorce Olympics began post haste.

I stopped at my mother's on the way back from court, I was honestly in a state of near shock that it was finally over. I had called "N" from the courthouse to let her know - she screamed and the phone went dead. Sweet.

So I am making some calls from my mother's place, sort of gushing, couldn't stop grinning, when the door blasts opened and the sound of glass breaking on the foyer granite broke the near Disney like scene. Cruella De "N" came storming down the hallway to the kitchen screaming all the way. Mother's eyes were buggin as "N" burst through the door and began an almost incomprehensible recitation of expletives.

Knowing this would freak my mother out - I pushed past her through the door, through the broken vase in the foyer and out the door with "N" right on my heels. Once outside, she continued ranting, seems she hadn't expected the judge to grant things on the spot. I did tell her she didn't have to be there - which was true. She didn't. It's over, it has been over, yesterday's proceedings were strictly making it official. My bad.

She grabbed me by my coat and started slamming me off the glass doors, I was amazed at the strength she had, at this point my Mother was standing on the other side of them - I yelled at her to get back thinking they could explode with the next slam. I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back and headed down the walk to my truck, "N" right on my heals slamming me in the door as I tried to climb in, grabbing and punching at the back of my head. "I am going to kill you and then myself." echoed between the houses, I wiggled in and pulled the door shut hitting the power locks. Fumbling with my keys - she ran to her car. I backed out - she squealed out and maneuvered behind me, I thought she was going to ram me. She rang in on my cell as I started down the road,

Her: "You drive to the park right now and talk to me or I swear you are a dead man"
Me: "I am not going to talk to you anywhere secluded, if you want to talk let's go to a restaurant"
Her: "I said the park NOW mother fucker"
Me: "Uh NO."

She chased me for several miles, lightly bumping the back of my truck, sliding along side swerving at me. It was lunch hour rush, I kept getting trapped in traffic, she kept tagging me from behind. It was bizarre. I tried to out run her, but she is way crazier than even I imagined, and was running traffic lights and rolling over curbs to get back up to me.

I dialed 911 heading down the main street in our city, 5 lanes undivided, she phoned in before the call went through and my cell phone locked up.. suddenly BLAM She rammed me, the sound was just horrific, I looked up to see her car was really hit - hood peaked a foot in the air, headlight panel out.. she kept coming, and ringing my phone. I sped up - now at around 60 dodging through traffic, she was right on me in seconds, I couldn't believe she kept coming, just then an old woman moved into my lane, I slowed a bit and BLAM she rammed me the second time even harder, the back end of my truck slid around and I was now cutting head on into oncoming traffic, cars locking up everywhere, I came across three lanes hitting the curb on the opposite side, now airborne I sheared off a restaurant sign wheels coming down just feet from the dining area, my truck stalled as it came to a stop across the entrance.

I jumped out and ran into the restaurant, I was shaking, at this point people were pressed to the glass - I grabbed a server and asked to use the phone. I just about lost it at that point.. as soon as 911 answered I started coming unglued, I could barely talk. Within minutes there were squad cars everywhere. Apparently the driver of an F-150 that had quite nearly hit me broadside as I crossed the lanes had stopped and also called 911.

She is a fugitive this morning. She is charged with felonious assault with a motor vehicle, and she is still on the loose. I left the scene and drove straight back to the same court I just left and secured PPO's for myself and my daughter - in one of what seemed like a thousand calls from her during the 20 minute chase she said she was going to take away everything in my world that meant anything to me, kill me, then kill herself.

I believe she will try.. yesterday made me a believer. If the ground had not been soft when my truck landed, tires digging in, I would have slid right through a crowded restaurant in all likelihood killing everyone in my path. No one with that kind of wreckless disregard for life should be free.

She is truly insane.

I just phoned my daughter's school and warned them, and I am off to the Sherrif's to get the PPO's served. I'm not that soft guy she ruled anymore.. and if she comes at me next time she better take carefull aim because she is going down.

Lets get it on..

I feel really up these days, everything used to scare me, I used to worry about every detail of my life.. I'm learning that some things are just unaffected by my concern, which has left me feeling more in control than I've ever been. Does that make sense?

I feel like I am growing into this new skin, feeling things, seeing things differently than I ever did before. No I am not on drugs.. shuddup. Lord, dare I say it? I am at peace with me.

I met a lot of really hot sweet guys lately, even my own tall dark 25 year old Mattyliscious. I'm less than 24 hrs. from a decree, I am not seeing a downside even though I am working harder and harder to keep it all going. I'm so afraid, I've not been happy like this before, and I am scared to close my eyes at night for fear something will explode in my face with the coming of the next day.

It's been said "Be careful what you wish for you may get it." - What if what you wished for really WAS what you wanted?

Other farewells

I don't remember whether I recorded it here or not, but back in December amidst all the chaos leaving the house, I had a rather enlightening conversation with my younger bro.

For a year I had blamed my parent's ambivilance on my wife and her manipulations. Turned out my little bro was behind it all, he accidently tipped his hand in that conversation. I was both sickened and livid. It was bad enough he knew what I was dealing with.. I'm a big boy. More importantly he knew/saw what it was all doing to my daughter. He left her in harms way, and all for the sake of money. One day I hope he chokes on it.

I haven't spoken to him since, I have ignored his requests to meet and discuss the matter, as far as I was concerned there was nothing further to discuss. Being the arrogant little shit that he is, he couldn't just leave it at that. He left a rather foul voice message on my cell yesterday, then as usuall wussed out and would not return my calls.

So. I did what any writer does.. wrote him a letter. The shortlist of people who can kiss my ass grows.

In other news

I took this pic yesterday for my profile on Gay . com - upon entering the chatroom it caused a shark bait like responce... SWEET. Well, it was until the 20th chat window opened up and I was loosing track of whom I was hot for LOL!

I can't multi task.