Karma
I dedicate this mornings entry to my ex, who made yet another impassioned plea for a last chance, followed by more poison. What cracks me up is that she thinks I don't know her little friend is still in the picture, and I am not giving her the satisfaction of telling her I know. I make light of it - but keep in mind I was preppared to deny myself, and live "straight" for life had she simply been faithfull, and when I think of the time I waisted it still burns.
I guess for me the part that hurt most was the betrayal by one who was my best and I thought almost only friend. I know what a contradiction it is, she made me feel ugly, unworthy, and I let her convince me I could never have anyone else.. that somehow life would end without her. In spite of how it looks here I still feel ugly.. Some scars take a really long time to heal. It's a horrible thing when you give someone that kind of power.
So to you my darling - much love.
Weren't You The One That Said, That You Don't Want Me Anymore.
And How You Need Your Space, And Give The Keys Back To Your Door.
And How I Cried And Tried And Tried To Make You Stay With Me.
But Still You Said That Love Was Gone, And That I Had To Leave.
Now You, Talkin Bout A Family
Now You, Sayin I Complete Your Dream
Now You, Sayin I'm Your Everything
You Confusin Me
What You Say To Me
Don't Play With Me
Don't Play With Me.
Cause What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back
I Remember When, I Was Sittin Home Alone
Waitin For You, Til 3 O'clock In The Morn
And When You Came Home, You'd Always Have Some Sorry Excuse.
And Explainin To Me, Like I'm Just Some Kinda Fool
I Sacrifice The Things I Want To And Do Things For You
But When It's Time To Do For Me, You Never Come Through
Now You, Wanna Be A Bond Of Me (Eyyy)
Now You, Have So Much To Say To Me (Heyy)
Now You, Wanna Make Time For Me
What You Do To Me.
You Confusin Me
Don't Play With Me
Don't Play With Me.
Cause What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back
I Remember When, I Was Sittin Home Alone
Waitin For You, Til 3 O'clock In The Morn
Night After Night, Knowin Sumthing Goin On
Wasn't Home Befo Me, You Was, You Was Gone
Lord Knows It Wasn't Easy, But Believe Me.
Never Thought You'd Be The One That Would Deceived Me.
And Never Do Wha U Was Supposed To Do
No Need To Hose Me Fool, Cause I'm Ova You
Cause What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Gotta Stop Tryin, To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
It's Called Karma Baby, And It Goes Around.
What Goes Around, Comes Around,
What Goes Up, Must Comes Down,
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
Alicia Keyes
Sunday, February 27, 2005
I am stupified.
This past week has been quite simply insane. It's as though someone turned on a big neon GAY AND AVAILABLE sign over my head.. like all the sudden they get me. Not sure what happened but damned if I am not enjoying it. Today at the gym, a cute guy named Christopher, with whom I have been playing eye tag for weeks walked up and introduced himself.. yowza. Then tonight while shopping I was getting cruised by the cutest young guy.. and yeah this one I know was young. *sigh* I can't wait to hit the clubs around here - at least then I will be semi sure I won't go to jail right? March 9th can't get here quick enough.
Today the Architect hit me up on AIM again, apologising and insisting we need to meet. Hmm. Then within 5 minutes of his logging off T3 hits me up too. I don't know what to make of this.
I am going to patch again tonight.. I really want to quit smoking and now that the troll is at least at arms length, I may even get past the stress.
Say a prayer.
This past week has been quite simply insane. It's as though someone turned on a big neon GAY AND AVAILABLE sign over my head.. like all the sudden they get me. Not sure what happened but damned if I am not enjoying it. Today at the gym, a cute guy named Christopher, with whom I have been playing eye tag for weeks walked up and introduced himself.. yowza. Then tonight while shopping I was getting cruised by the cutest young guy.. and yeah this one I know was young. *sigh* I can't wait to hit the clubs around here - at least then I will be semi sure I won't go to jail right? March 9th can't get here quick enough.
Today the Architect hit me up on AIM again, apologising and insisting we need to meet. Hmm. Then within 5 minutes of his logging off T3 hits me up too. I don't know what to make of this.
I am going to patch again tonight.. I really want to quit smoking and now that the troll is at least at arms length, I may even get past the stress.
Say a prayer.
Friday, February 25, 2005
The hook up Part II
I've been rewinding yesterdays events in my head all day.. I think perhaps I am not only naive, but all too trusting - and yes perhaps a tad too wreckless. OK, I am an idiot.
The hook, or the Gay. com follies.
The Architect was supposed to have met me the day before yesterday, and was a no show. Keep in mind I have never seen anything other than a few pictures which had his face very obscured. At the scene of our rendezvous yesterday (Starbucks), there was a silver Audi A4 parked curbside just outside the window I was seated near. The Architect drives an A4. As I sat there yesterday waiting for him my eyes were on that car almost the entire time.. well that and T3. I missed the person getting in the A4, probably while I was flirting with T3, but as it backed into the car behind it I did notice it was definitely a female behind the wheel.
T3 left Starbucks after the A4 hit and ran - yet at least 10 minutes before I left Starbucks.. and he was just pulling out as I left? This guy was pretty, and sweet, but in no way would you ever guess he would pursue a perfect stranger that he did not KNOW was gay to tell him he was hot.. call it a hunch, based on the fact he seemed to be shitting himself that I said yes, and the fear his girlfriend might find out.
Now, let me do a little inspector Clouseau. Horny little gay teen cruises Gay.com, finds me - AIM's me and strikes up a convo as the Architect. As our conversations progress he sends me pics, face obscured - perhaps the ill gotten gains of another quest he is pursuing. He is not sure whether I am for real - so he hatches a scheme to get a closer look without having to commit. For whatever reason (cold feet?) he blows me off for our first meeting - or did he? He could have been there - I wasn't looking for the vehicle he wound up driving, although my money says something went wrong with plan one, perhaps the girlfriend.
Anyway - he sets the second meeting to coincide with a date of sorts with his girlfriend and perhaps friends, The girlfriend who happens to drive the A4, (In all probability her dad's, who actually IS an architect?) He meets her at Panera Bread next door at 4:30, I arrive at Starbucks at 4:45. He excuses himself and tells her he has some studying to do, and wants a crappachino and quiet, leaves her with their friends and comes next door to get a good look at me.
He decides he wants me, his eyes were popping the second he sat down - it was really sweet, he already knows I am Gay and looking his way. Not willing to just let me amble off.. those jeans have never failed, He follows me, flirting his ass off all the way. I did exactly what he hoped I would do.
I don't know whether I should be pissed or flattered. At this point I am leaning towards the latter. At the worst, he did what I might have done at his age if I were in fear that the guy I was meeting was hiding some serious age related flaws. At best? If there were any they didn't bother him AND for a day.. OK 11 hours, he handed me a bloody glorious fantasy.
Reality set in when he hit me up on AIM this morning.. I had added him, but I had never told him what my screen name was LOL! The little bugger hit me up without ever even asking if it was me. I guess it is sort of sweet.. in a "Mrs. Robinson" sort of way. Oh GOD.
He wanted to come and play this morning.. it took everything I had to say no. I asked if he were available over the weekend, and he said no - he was headed for Chicago. Then, he asks if I go to any clubs here.. seems his girlfriend likes clubbing at gay bars, and he asks me to ignore him should we ever meet at one.. Hmm. I am intrigued.
The dilemma. He is definitely into me, and it's a twisted thing but I am into him too.. do I do the "adult" thing and shut this down, or do I go the scantless route and play through..
This is what the comments section is here for - don't be bashful.
I've been rewinding yesterdays events in my head all day.. I think perhaps I am not only naive, but all too trusting - and yes perhaps a tad too wreckless. OK, I am an idiot.
The hook, or the Gay. com follies.
The Architect was supposed to have met me the day before yesterday, and was a no show. Keep in mind I have never seen anything other than a few pictures which had his face very obscured. At the scene of our rendezvous yesterday (Starbucks), there was a silver Audi A4 parked curbside just outside the window I was seated near. The Architect drives an A4. As I sat there yesterday waiting for him my eyes were on that car almost the entire time.. well that and T3. I missed the person getting in the A4, probably while I was flirting with T3, but as it backed into the car behind it I did notice it was definitely a female behind the wheel.
T3 left Starbucks after the A4 hit and ran - yet at least 10 minutes before I left Starbucks.. and he was just pulling out as I left? This guy was pretty, and sweet, but in no way would you ever guess he would pursue a perfect stranger that he did not KNOW was gay to tell him he was hot.. call it a hunch, based on the fact he seemed to be shitting himself that I said yes, and the fear his girlfriend might find out.
Now, let me do a little inspector Clouseau. Horny little gay teen cruises Gay.com, finds me - AIM's me and strikes up a convo as the Architect. As our conversations progress he sends me pics, face obscured - perhaps the ill gotten gains of another quest he is pursuing. He is not sure whether I am for real - so he hatches a scheme to get a closer look without having to commit. For whatever reason (cold feet?) he blows me off for our first meeting - or did he? He could have been there - I wasn't looking for the vehicle he wound up driving, although my money says something went wrong with plan one, perhaps the girlfriend.
Anyway - he sets the second meeting to coincide with a date of sorts with his girlfriend and perhaps friends, The girlfriend who happens to drive the A4, (In all probability her dad's, who actually IS an architect?) He meets her at Panera Bread next door at 4:30, I arrive at Starbucks at 4:45. He excuses himself and tells her he has some studying to do, and wants a crappachino and quiet, leaves her with their friends and comes next door to get a good look at me.
He decides he wants me, his eyes were popping the second he sat down - it was really sweet, he already knows I am Gay and looking his way. Not willing to just let me amble off.. those jeans have never failed, He follows me, flirting his ass off all the way. I did exactly what he hoped I would do.
I don't know whether I should be pissed or flattered. At this point I am leaning towards the latter. At the worst, he did what I might have done at his age if I were in fear that the guy I was meeting was hiding some serious age related flaws. At best? If there were any they didn't bother him AND for a day.. OK 11 hours, he handed me a bloody glorious fantasy.
Reality set in when he hit me up on AIM this morning.. I had added him, but I had never told him what my screen name was LOL! The little bugger hit me up without ever even asking if it was me. I guess it is sort of sweet.. in a "Mrs. Robinson" sort of way. Oh GOD.
He wanted to come and play this morning.. it took everything I had to say no. I asked if he were available over the weekend, and he said no - he was headed for Chicago. Then, he asks if I go to any clubs here.. seems his girlfriend likes clubbing at gay bars, and he asks me to ignore him should we ever meet at one.. Hmm. I am intrigued.
The dilemma. He is definitely into me, and it's a twisted thing but I am into him too.. do I do the "adult" thing and shut this down, or do I go the scantless route and play through..
This is what the comments section is here for - don't be bashful.
The morning after..
Still no remorse.. Looking back over the past year, it really was all about yesterday. All these hours killing myself at the gym, getting rid of the guy I used to be all came together in that parking lot. I know how callow and vain that makes me sound and I hate it, but if I am nothing else I am honest.
No I hadn't quite figured on 19, but the overall package of the guy was straight out of my "10" pages. Those pages of men stored away in that book in your head, the ones you fantasized about from the begining.. mine is really jambed. The whole scenario from yesterday was the answer to a thousand silent prayers uttered in my head every time I see a guy from those pages.. I can't quit grinning. The boy made my year.
Still no remorse.. Looking back over the past year, it really was all about yesterday. All these hours killing myself at the gym, getting rid of the guy I used to be all came together in that parking lot. I know how callow and vain that makes me sound and I hate it, but if I am nothing else I am honest.
No I hadn't quite figured on 19, but the overall package of the guy was straight out of my "10" pages. Those pages of men stored away in that book in your head, the ones you fantasized about from the begining.. mine is really jambed. The whole scenario from yesterday was the answer to a thousand silent prayers uttered in my head every time I see a guy from those pages.. I can't quit grinning. The boy made my year.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
A monster is born.
Sweet mother Mary on a crutch. I am waiting at Starbucks for the Architect, who was supposed to be meeting me at 5:00. I got there 15 early so I got a blackeye and pulled up a chair near the window. The arsenal: Clingy black sweater, A&F button flys, black leather jacket, and my Docs. I get comfortable, listening to the blonde 2 tables over rip on some poor sob over his half of the rent - angrily flipping her cell phone from ear to ear.. it was scary lol.
Anyho, I'm sitting there for what seemed like forever(10 minutes), and this really cute guy ambles in, he gets a crappachino and sits down across the room from me. He was really cute, dark hair & eyes, P coat and jeans - about 5'10" slim - he got my attention bending over real slow to plug in his laptop. He keeps gazing my way and raising his brow with a little grin - I figure he is also amused by the blonde, who could not seem to shut up.
Another cute guy comes in and sits behind me - the architect is now 10 minutes late - I'm getting a tad pissed, (the little bastard stood me up yesterday) Still the guy across the room is glancing my way every so often, then packs his laptop and leaves. 15 minutes late - fuck him, I get up and leave.
I get in my truck and start around the corner through another lot and onto the street - laptop guy is pulling out from an adjacent lot.. couldn't miss him.. he had his eyes on me the whole time I past him. Up the road, hang a left and cruisin, laptop guy pulls along side me - again with the look. Hot.
This went on for miles through several turns - then he jumps in front of me and turns off into a lot.. he turns around and stops there while I am caught at the light, then pulls out behind me again. Not sure what his deal is, but it is sinking in. I pull off at a drugstore - he shoots by then turns into the next entrance and sits there. I sit - he sits. WTF.
So I pull out again all the while thinking damn I should have just rolled along side him. Hit the station a mile away for gas, then doubled back. Guess I knew what he wanted I was just to chicken to be the one to step up - enough of that. Hoping he was still there I start back down the road and see him 8 cars up headed back towards Starbucks - he sees my truck and it's off to another lot. Hell ya.
I pull in along side him - the window goes down,
Me: "what's up?" I ask (original)
Him:"You are fucking hot, I was praying you would come back"
Me: "Cool- I thought I was imagining things!
Him: "You know someplace we can go?
Me: (Your kidding right?) "Hell yeah - follow me!"
Him: "Where we going?"
Me: "My place."
I'm freakin, this guy is way hot, - we are 2 minutes from my place and my daughter is at her friends.. SWEET! We pull up at my place and I tell him if anyone shows up, he works with me at the shop..
Him: "Cool, dude you are so hot! I was on my way to meet my girlfriend and saw you pull out - I just had to try."
Me: "Your lucky day man, the asshole I was supposed to be meeting stood me up for the last time." (Thinking.. OH HELL YA!)
Once in the apartment he landed on me, man he had the softest lips.. It was all clothes flying and panting.. he had the sweetest mouth. All peeled he had the swimmer thing going on, well endowed and ready to bounce. Half way through I'm thinking damn.. it's so cool when all your hard work pays off.. he is all over me, and I am lovin every minute of it. Pinching myself where he can't see it.
We steamed the place up and deflowered my bed, he says: "My name is T3, and stretches his hand out to shake mine.. I laugh and grab it, pull him down and plant a hot kiss on him, -
Me:Uhh - T3, How old are you?
Him: 19.. I'll be 20 next month.
Me: *gulp* stunned look.
(Visual aid)Him: How old are you?
Me: Laughing
Him: Grinning "What?"
Me: I am so going to HELL.
Note to self:
Always ask for ID before accepting HOT SEX from pretty mens.
It's official, I am a very Wicked Man.
Sweet mother Mary on a crutch. I am waiting at Starbucks for the Architect, who was supposed to be meeting me at 5:00. I got there 15 early so I got a blackeye and pulled up a chair near the window. The arsenal: Clingy black sweater, A&F button flys, black leather jacket, and my Docs. I get comfortable, listening to the blonde 2 tables over rip on some poor sob over his half of the rent - angrily flipping her cell phone from ear to ear.. it was scary lol.
Anyho, I'm sitting there for what seemed like forever(10 minutes), and this really cute guy ambles in, he gets a crappachino and sits down across the room from me. He was really cute, dark hair & eyes, P coat and jeans - about 5'10" slim - he got my attention bending over real slow to plug in his laptop. He keeps gazing my way and raising his brow with a little grin - I figure he is also amused by the blonde, who could not seem to shut up.
Another cute guy comes in and sits behind me - the architect is now 10 minutes late - I'm getting a tad pissed, (the little bastard stood me up yesterday) Still the guy across the room is glancing my way every so often, then packs his laptop and leaves. 15 minutes late - fuck him, I get up and leave.
I get in my truck and start around the corner through another lot and onto the street - laptop guy is pulling out from an adjacent lot.. couldn't miss him.. he had his eyes on me the whole time I past him. Up the road, hang a left and cruisin, laptop guy pulls along side me - again with the look. Hot.
This went on for miles through several turns - then he jumps in front of me and turns off into a lot.. he turns around and stops there while I am caught at the light, then pulls out behind me again. Not sure what his deal is, but it is sinking in. I pull off at a drugstore - he shoots by then turns into the next entrance and sits there. I sit - he sits. WTF.
So I pull out again all the while thinking damn I should have just rolled along side him. Hit the station a mile away for gas, then doubled back. Guess I knew what he wanted I was just to chicken to be the one to step up - enough of that. Hoping he was still there I start back down the road and see him 8 cars up headed back towards Starbucks - he sees my truck and it's off to another lot. Hell ya.
I pull in along side him - the window goes down,
Me: "what's up?" I ask (original)
Him:"You are fucking hot, I was praying you would come back"
Me: "Cool- I thought I was imagining things!
Him: "You know someplace we can go?
Me: (Your kidding right?) "Hell yeah - follow me!"
Him: "Where we going?"
Me: "My place."
I'm freakin, this guy is way hot, - we are 2 minutes from my place and my daughter is at her friends.. SWEET! We pull up at my place and I tell him if anyone shows up, he works with me at the shop..
Him: "Cool, dude you are so hot! I was on my way to meet my girlfriend and saw you pull out - I just had to try."
Me: "Your lucky day man, the asshole I was supposed to be meeting stood me up for the last time." (Thinking.. OH HELL YA!)
Once in the apartment he landed on me, man he had the softest lips.. It was all clothes flying and panting.. he had the sweetest mouth. All peeled he had the swimmer thing going on, well endowed and ready to bounce. Half way through I'm thinking damn.. it's so cool when all your hard work pays off.. he is all over me, and I am lovin every minute of it. Pinching myself where he can't see it.
We steamed the place up and deflowered my bed, he says: "My name is T3, and stretches his hand out to shake mine.. I laugh and grab it, pull him down and plant a hot kiss on him, -
Me:Uhh - T3, How old are you?
Him: 19.. I'll be 20 next month.
Me: *gulp* stunned look.
(Visual aid)Him: How old are you?
Me: Laughing
Him: Grinning "What?"
Me: I am so going to HELL.
Note to self:
Always ask for ID before accepting HOT SEX from pretty mens.
It's official, I am a very Wicked Man.
But.. they beat the alternative.
But.. they beat the alternative.
When one door closes - two others open. "T", is apparently back with his ex, yet under the new agreement they now have an open relaitionship.. Part of me is thinking I should put some distance here, part is thinking, Damn he is cute.
Yesterday he was moving on, today he is all about play. Sweet. But then again so is T2, the 22 year old Architectural consultant, and "P" the 37 yr old college administraightor. Life is crazy.. stay tuned. I love being a guy.
When one door closes - two others open. "T", is apparently back with his ex, yet under the new agreement they now have an open relaitionship.. Part of me is thinking I should put some distance here, part is thinking, Damn he is cute.
Yesterday he was moving on, today he is all about play. Sweet. But then again so is T2, the 22 year old Architectural consultant, and "P" the 37 yr old college administraightor. Life is crazy.. stay tuned. I love being a guy.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
Missing you..
I'll miss them.
Every once in a while people pass through your life in this medium that leave a lasting impression, Geek Slut and Billy were 2 guys that I will truly miss. With this net based world we travel in, we share a glimpse of each other's worlds, laughs, hot sex, losses, lunacy, points of view.
It's a rare gift sometimes taken for granted. I've stumbled through some of my life's toughest moments right here, and at times when I felt more alone than ever sharing their worlds and yours made this trip somehow less lonely. I wish them both every future happiness.
Every once in a while people pass through your life in this medium that leave a lasting impression, Geek Slut and Billy were 2 guys that I will truly miss. With this net based world we travel in, we share a glimpse of each other's worlds, laughs, hot sex, losses, lunacy, points of view.
It's a rare gift sometimes taken for granted. I've stumbled through some of my life's toughest moments right here, and at times when I felt more alone than ever sharing their worlds and yours made this trip somehow less lonely. I wish them both every future happiness.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Never dull.
Things that make me go hmm.
I'm slowly Forest Gumping my way around catching up on all my favorite Blogs, Toby is of course a natch for the top of the list. I'm really not sure why, I mean yeah he is hot which doesn't hurt, but beyond that there is some strange allure. Charisma, yes there is that too, but more than that there is evolution, watching a young man unfold. Having three sons I find this most intriguing. Lastly there is that ever present uber bitch attitude that I am inexplicably amused by - perhaps it's the arrogance of his youth that turns me on. Eh whatever.
I read Toby's post, commenting on Secret Simons situation and found his direction as usual surprising. Not offensive, just surprising. Seems Toby, who has in the past mentioned his hurt in the notion his Dad can't accept his sexuality, has some issues with the idea that a guy can be married, have kids, and then deal with his sexuality. In fact the longer I am "in" the more common I am finding this. Perhaps it is his candor that draws me there, because this issue is looming large for me as well.
My boys are his age, my daughter another issue altogether. The thought of loosing them horrifies me. The possibility is real. I raised them to be accepting, tolerant human beings - yet this is different.
To Toby it seems apparently unfathomable that a man could marry, have kids, and then deal with his sexuality. My answer? Not all of us are as brave as Toby. Many of us are like water, following the path of least resistance, doing what our world dictated, doing what we thought was right. Toby is true to himself, perhaps to me that is the most endearing thing about him. He had/has the hutzpa to grab it all by the horns, fuck what people think. Toby did it right. Right?
Toby's sentiments on this reflect judgment. Judgment that he feels his father hands down on his life and choices, held separate from the ones he makes on others. If I were Toby's father, I would be proud that I raised a confident, self assured man - revel in his accomplishments, secretly laugh at his antics, pat myself on the back for having done my job well..
However, I would not be telling him I was Gay any time soon.
Acceptance and tolerance are often subject to judgment and delivered on a double edged sword.
PS. On an unrelated note, does anyone know what Toby did to fix his elbow?? I seem to be suffering the same affliction. Ouch. Moving from 45 to 50 lb. dumbell curls last night by right elbow is now in agony.
I'm slowly Forest Gumping my way around catching up on all my favorite Blogs, Toby is of course a natch for the top of the list. I'm really not sure why, I mean yeah he is hot which doesn't hurt, but beyond that there is some strange allure. Charisma, yes there is that too, but more than that there is evolution, watching a young man unfold. Having three sons I find this most intriguing. Lastly there is that ever present uber bitch attitude that I am inexplicably amused by - perhaps it's the arrogance of his youth that turns me on. Eh whatever.
I read Toby's post, commenting on Secret Simons situation and found his direction as usual surprising. Not offensive, just surprising. Seems Toby, who has in the past mentioned his hurt in the notion his Dad can't accept his sexuality, has some issues with the idea that a guy can be married, have kids, and then deal with his sexuality. In fact the longer I am "in" the more common I am finding this. Perhaps it is his candor that draws me there, because this issue is looming large for me as well.
My boys are his age, my daughter another issue altogether. The thought of loosing them horrifies me. The possibility is real. I raised them to be accepting, tolerant human beings - yet this is different.
To Toby it seems apparently unfathomable that a man could marry, have kids, and then deal with his sexuality. My answer? Not all of us are as brave as Toby. Many of us are like water, following the path of least resistance, doing what our world dictated, doing what we thought was right. Toby is true to himself, perhaps to me that is the most endearing thing about him. He had/has the hutzpa to grab it all by the horns, fuck what people think. Toby did it right. Right?
Toby's sentiments on this reflect judgment. Judgment that he feels his father hands down on his life and choices, held separate from the ones he makes on others. If I were Toby's father, I would be proud that I raised a confident, self assured man - revel in his accomplishments, secretly laugh at his antics, pat myself on the back for having done my job well..
However, I would not be telling him I was Gay any time soon.
Acceptance and tolerance are often subject to judgment and delivered on a double edged sword.
PS. On an unrelated note, does anyone know what Toby did to fix his elbow?? I seem to be suffering the same affliction. Ouch. Moving from 45 to 50 lb. dumbell curls last night by right elbow is now in agony.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Here we go.
Shameless self promotion.. yup!
Alrighty then. Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by the crazy lady. OH yeah. The woman was on to me ya'll, and in fact may have evidence of sorts to "out" me. Whatever.. bring it.
So, on December 7th, having grown weary of her tirades, and in the face of a few violent altercations where the vapid bitch actually physically attacked me - I phoned my lawyer, fired him, retained a new lawyer, rented a really great apartment, and phoned her to let her know I was checking out. My attorney was drafting a custody agreement, and I asked her if she were going to be a big girl and sign it, or did I need to have her served. Long silence, followed by a chain of expletives shrieked in an octave similar to that screeching music from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's infamous movie, Psycho. Cool.
I have to admit I enjoyed it immensely, and wish I could have seen the look on her face. I head to the gym, do my thing and get a call from my youngest son, who is frantic and begging me not to go home because she is there throwing dishes, ranting and saying she is going to kill me. Stellar.
My daughter was at the movies - I tried to raise her on her cell to stop her from going home.. too late. She is at home with the crazy lady. SHIT. Crazy hears her on the phone to me and decides to conduct an inquiry, when my girl told her she wasn't talking - the ex decided to try and choke her.
I dropped the phone and called 911 en-route. In the meantime she calls my parents telling them she intends to kill me.. big mistake. By the time the dust cleared that night I had my daughter secured and my ex in the mental wing of our local hospital - she feigned an attempted suicide. I woke at 6 AM to her on my chest whispering "Time to die mother fucker!" Needless to say I wigged and sat up knocking her to the floor.
I attempted to grab my computer, she promptly picked up the hardrive over her head and spiked it off the floor. Nice. Then she doused my bed and the floor with the bottles of Captain Morgan's left over from my attempted suicide the year before.. ironic. Later that day under police escort my daughter and I left the house, stuffing our clothes in my Exploder by the arm load.
A week of insane phone calls, faxing lists of belongings back and forth, I show up to pick up my stuff. More arguing yadda yadda yadda. I spend a week and a small ransom replacing everything I didn't take. Home free right? Yeah you go with that.
When I went to change the info at my Bank, in person mind you, I made it very clear that my ex was a future axe murderer, and that my info was to remain absolutely secret. The idiots mailed a "Confirmation of change of address" to my house, thereby giving the crazy bitch my exact location.
More weeks of arguing, several custody agreement drafts, she finally signs off after I agree not to make her pay support. I have to go by the house to pick up some more junk, she asks me why I haven't hung any artwork at my apartment yet.. I'm like HUH? Have you been looking in my windows??! Her - "No, I have been in your apartment." Color me freaked out.
Turns out she snuck passed the security doors behind another tenant, my daughter had left the apartment door unlocked - she let herself in and toured my apartment at her leisure WHILE WE SLEPT. SO. I tell her if I see her at or around my apartment unannounced or uninvited again I will have her arrested.. well she replies that she has rented an apartment in the complex NEXT to mine..WTF!
In short, the bitch is stalking me. She phoned me out of the blue last week as I was driving home from the furniture store in the middle of the day, my new box spring strapped in the hatch, wanting to know what that was hanging out of my truck. I am not amused. A week later my son and I are having coffee - she phones wanting to know if we are having a good time. Alas it is her word against mine, so legal remedies are pretty slim. I tell her to get off my nuts, or I will enforce the child support issue and nail her for alimony as well. She doesn't call me anymore with my whereabouts, but trust, she is watching.
In addition to this - skipping back a tad here. While she had my computer, she had her boss download the entire contents of my hardrive - which contained mucho dirt no doubt. She has made several veiled remarks regarding my "secret" - and well, whatever.
In the meantime - much bliss has been found. The silence has been remarkable, my daughter is thriving at school again, and we are happy.. REALLY happy. I've met a few hot guys, gone on some great dates. Life is bloody glorious.
I talked to my attack dog Dianne, who's nickname is "The Snake", and she is pressing to get this settled on March 9th. In 2 short months she has performed the miracle that other cash grubbing swine could not, and I have half a mind to sue him. But I am to fucking happy to get wrapped up in a suit right now.. unless "T", my brand new man is wearing it.
He lives a ways from here so we will have to take turns commuting, but he is fucking hot and well worth the trip. Suddenly life is very sweet. I took him to dinner the night before last, this guy is just too cute. At 33, he is a taller leaner, prettier version of Heath Ledger. We are not exclusive - but there are the building blocks for something more than sex.
Somebody pinch me.
On the physical front - I am adding some mass having finally gotten past my fear of food.. shuddup. My chest is up 2", and I feel great.. gah I am sickening here LOL! Sue me. I worked my fucking ass off and have just about reached the promised land.. and it is sweet ya'll, sweeter than I can put into words.
Mindless my ass.
The archives.
Well some day if I get Really, really bored.. REALLY bored, I may take the time to restore them.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Not so Mindless.
Yes I'm back.. didn't think I would just evaporate did ya?? This past few months have been hella crazy. I can't wait to catch ya'll up!! I'm sure you've been on the edges of your seats.
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