I've been a bad, bad, boy.
And I am loving every minute of it. My thing with Med is going to be interrupted, and it makes me sad. He is off to the windy city to start his residency next week. I plan to go and see him, but it was so nice having him close.. I think I let something silly happen and the distance will be the acid test.

Thank you guys for all your kind advice.. I know you are right, I've just been waiting for the right time.. knowing there won't ever be one. It's silly I know - that I am so afraid.. I know it has to come, and I feel like such a coward. I have carried this for so long.. it's like a part of me and I just cant let go.

Monday night the bitch trick fucked me into meeting her. She had some insurance papers that pertain to my daughter and wanted to go over the upgrades I asked for in coverage.. she has a bloody sneaky way of making the whole thing sound like my idea, it blows my mind that I keep falling for this crap.

The insurance matter took all of ten minutes and we were back to my secret.. that bitch is so smug. Then focus shifted to our daughter, and decisions that I made that she takes exception to. It got heated and I made a remark to the effect that maybe I wasn't the "best" thing in the world for her but that I was all she had. This was twisted by the following day.

I came home to my daughter very angry, asking me if there was something I needed to tell her. I felt sick.. my mind was racing, I asked her what she was talking about - she said I should know. I felt like I was choking. Then she said that my X told her all about my plans. I thought my heart was going to stop.. then she said my X told her that I was suggesting she (my X) take her back. I was both relieved and furious.. by now in tears. I am never talking to that bitch again. I have to do something soon.. I can't take another moment like that.

My therapist "C" threw her hands up in disgust when I told her what had happened, saying that if I were going to keep up the ridiculous encounters with her that we might as well throw in the towel.. Let me tell you it is a truly desperate moment when your therapist gives up on you.

We hashed things back and forth.. and at one point I said that my X had an uncanny way of making me feel sorry for her, inspite of the fact that she had fucked me over to the endth degree, at this point "C" made the astute observation that she felt I had the "Patty Hearst Syndrome", wherein the abused actually begins to not only excuse the aggressors behavior, but takes on the added position of defending and catering to them. YAY. Is there a pill for this?

We of course ran out of time -

I suspect it's begun. My Father hasn't returned a single call in over a week, coincidently my bank account is also reflecting a problem, and when I contacted my rep at the branch it's confirmed I am cut off again. Oh. And my house is sold. Nice to find this out from what is for all intents and purposes a complete stranger. I'll be going to see dear old Dad tomorrow.. this should be interesting.

I can't seem to pull my head out of the sand.