All time highs and lows

Fathers day was great, my kids got me a PS2 I asked for 2 years ago.. hehehe, along with my favorite cologne, and most important- their company. I couldn't help but picture myself coming out at that moment.. hence a brief hyperventilation episode. They were so cool, the eldest is a very talented cook and took command of the BBQ, we sat and went through my daughters picture albums.. Nick my sons buddy came over along with Genvieve and a few of the other regulars.

My mind kept drifting to a young guy I had chatted with the night before, during the course of the chat he revealed that his father had recently passed away of cancer.. suddenly he went from prospective date to a guy I just wanted to hug.. right there in the middle of Father's Day, for the Dad who I'm sure wanted nothing more than more time with him.

I'm getting settled one man out of sight but never far from mind. I ventured out on the net last night.. so many adorable guys, and all so young. The guys my age are chasing them.. and due to my own brood of chillens I find I am really conflicted with my desires. I have never been good at saying no, and my God these guys are just too much.

So I dance around the ones that are just too young.. yes I do have some restraint. I stumble across a young guy I dated a few times months ago. A 25 year old molecular Biology major.. shuddup. We meet at his place and he wants to go for a walk, grabs a bag and we are off, fantastic night for it, still balmy from the day of sun we had. We caught up on life while he lead me through the labyrinth of houses in a very upscale neighborhood.. I asked him if we were going someplace inparticular.. he just grinned.

Some 20 minutes later we are standing at the edge of a highschool baseball field.. he tugged my hand and we made our way to the dugout.. HOT! Next thing I know I am buck naked in the middle of the field over a hottie, pounding home plate for all it was worth.. YAY! I love baseball!!! Afterward he confessed he had been harboring this fantasy since he was 15. I felt so honored to be the guy he chose to live it.

But all fantasies give way to reality.

This morning I am faced with a stack of unpaid bills and a trust attorney who tells me it could be never.. The job I am working on right now is between projects and I am considering a return to working for Satan.. I just don't know if I can keep from killing him. My X calls, says she knows I am hurting for money, she has my back child support and will give it to me provided I agree to meet her for lunch and discuss our daughter's current boyfriend.. seems she has issues with him. I'm guessing she has been pumping my youngest son for information and knew I am hit. I never wanted her money.. but need is overtaking what I want. I feel like a complete hooker, and agree to meet her.

Damn she is good.. she even calculated about how long it would take before I started sinking. My Father has no idea how elaborate her plans can be - he simply did what she knew he would do, just as I just finished doing what she knew I would do. Time to take extreme evasive maneuvers into consideration. I can't ever let this happen again.. it makes me want to slit my wrists being this predictable and vulnerable.

All through lunch I got drilled over the fact that I pamper my girl too much, that this boy is no good, that I need to put a stop to this, that and the other thing.. my mind went numb after the hello, and every inch of me wanted to throw myself under the wheels of a bus. A hot latin guy walks past and our eyes met and locked for a moment.. she cuts me an icey glare.. never again. If I have to lay down for money it won't ever be for her.

So there it is.. from feast to famine, ecstasy to shear agony.

I feel SO dirty.