Destiny
Ever wonder why things unfold the way they do? I keep wondering if there is going to be some magic point where it all makes sense. At times I wonder if there is not some unholy grail where everyone's futures are already written, for some, like some twisted Steven King/Danielle Steel novel. Fates already cast in stone, triumphs and tragedies just waiting to unfold. Some say it is all written in the stars.. funny when I look at them they don't seem hostile.

Tonight I am going on a second date with a guy I really like. I met him for lunch a few weeks back and had a really great time with him. He is funny and sexy, very handsome.. scary. I've put him off ever since. I'm almost afraid to wreck it with this second date.. what is it in me that seems to sabotage every prospective relationship. I get almost panicky when they show sincere interest. Maybe that was the real attraction to Med, even though he made it clear he enjoyed our time together, he never made a play for my heart, thus leaving the door opened for me to give him mine. Idiotic.

In so many ways I want to be someone's unforgettable moment, yet I am scared to death I will be.. how gay is that?! I skipped my therapist appointment today, and I don't think I will go back, mainly because I know when she finds out I sold my soul for thirty pieces of silver to my X the other day I will likely be fired as a client.. HA. So best I cut her loose rather than face such humiliation.

I have taken some pro-active steps to deal with my finances that some may find questionable.. and others may find HOT. I bounced it off of one confidant with mixed response.. I think she fell out of her chair and hit her head. I will keep it under glass until I know more. Suffice it to say I surprise even me sometimes.

I also got approached by a photographer to do some gay "Art" modeling.. I'm meeting him at his Studio in Windsor this Sunday to do a shoot. Speaking with him via phone, he is a well connected photographer, prominent in the area gay community, also serving on the Arts council. He also extended the interest of a friend of his in Florida who is doing a book on "Hot after 30", a photo/story table book set to dispel the idea that in the gay world one is "washed up" once one hits 30.

So it has been a weird couple days.. yes, even for me weird. The stars still look the same to me yet everything has changed. I wonder if the time will ever come that I look in the mirror and see what they see in me...