The back story
"G" and I met online a few weeks ago. A 39 year old Automotive Designer, who was handsome, witty, sexy, and available. We met over lunch at one of my fav restaurants, and immediately there was chemistry. Having got my start in Prototype and advanced vehicle development he and I knew many of the same people, shared the same interest in cars.. I was pinching myself.

Then half way through lunch comes the confession. Seems a young guy "J" who I had recently met and he were "friends", and he went on to tell me that said young man was developing a real "love thing" for me. I was a little taken aback as I had only met the guy once for coffee, he then sprung the added surprise - the young man in question was far younger than he claimed to be and that he felt I should know.

Well, first of all, I had no plans to actually have more than a friendship with this guy, but after talking with "G" decided to make a break with the whole thing to avoid any further trouble. "G" then set the hook by telling me he had been skeptical about the raving that "J" had done about my looks, and how knocked out he was.. Lord I am such a sucker. We then resumed the small talk, and flirtation. After a nearly 2 hour lunch, I walked him to his car and kissed him hard.. no really he was.

Things not to do on the second date..
We chatted a couple dozen times online afterward, and spoke on the phone, set the next date. OK, so I starved/worked out hard for 2 days to look extra cut in a shirt you could read through and an ass hugging pair of jeans.. hence the triple crown of stupidity began. On the way to "G's" I told myself all the way there I was not sleeping with this one. When he started pouring cocktails I told myself I was only having one. I was going to play this cool and not do my usual spill my guts thing.

Second prong of the triple crown, - I never listen to me. 4 fingers of Captain Morgans spiced rum hit my empty body like a hit of morphine and all sensibility left the room. G was really sweet, we talked forever, right through the second and third drinks.. and the third prong of the triple crown fell.. heavy discussion involving a subject that hit very close to the bone for me.

Ahh yes somehow or another the conversation turned to abortion, a very private decision for the individuals involved which I support to a degree. IMO once the fetus has a heartbeat it is a human being. He was quizzical as to why I felt this way at which point the story of my daughter Sabrina just came spilling out... the babies in the ward at the time she was born some as young as 22 weeks, babies that lived. Before I could pull out of it the tears just fell like rain.

The truth is she was the single most profound moment of my life.. and I cry everytime I think of her. As humans we get no closer to perfection than a baby. As a parent, you are programmed to do everything in your power to keep them safe.. they steal your heart the moment you lay eyes on them and you are never the same again. When faced with a situation that is dire, in my daughter's case the fact that she was born at 26 weeks.. and the reality that things are so far out of your control, you convert helplessness to hope because it is all you have left.

I knelt every night in the parking garage praying that she would make it.. I spent every second imagining what she would look like when she grew up, picturing her personality, all conjured from little nuances found in her tiny face as I watched her sleep, struggle, and eventually slip away in my arms.

It just spilled out, lid off can - worms everywhere.

"G" was really sweet, he got all teary eyed watching me come unglued, said all the right things, and next thing I know - well so much for not sleeping with this one.

We spoke on the phone the next day and we were still both very much into each other, set plans to meet again.. and then while chatting with him I flip to "J's" profile noticing he had changed his pics - bleached his hair, curious I looked at the rest to find he was posed stark naked on "G's" Chaise, fireplace, and other familiar surroundings.. friends huh.

Well I of course couldn't just ignor it. While we in no way had even remotely implied that we were going down the ltr road or anything similar to monogomy, I did feel it was a bit odd that this young man's clothes had mysteriously gone missing within a day of our date. The blonde hair was the key to the time frame as I had seen the guy a day before the date and his hair was still very dark.

Aparently I was dipping in "G's" coolaid? My bad.

The only thing that makes me feel dirty is the fact I shared something real..

The next big twist

Stay tuned..

Destiny
Ever wonder why things unfold the way they do? I keep wondering if there is going to be some magic point where it all makes sense. At times I wonder if there is not some unholy grail where everyone's futures are already written, for some, like some twisted Steven King/Danielle Steel novel. Fates already cast in stone, triumphs and tragedies just waiting to unfold. Some say it is all written in the stars.. funny when I look at them they don't seem hostile.

Tonight I am going on a second date with a guy I really like. I met him for lunch a few weeks back and had a really great time with him. He is funny and sexy, very handsome.. scary. I've put him off ever since. I'm almost afraid to wreck it with this second date.. what is it in me that seems to sabotage every prospective relationship. I get almost panicky when they show sincere interest. Maybe that was the real attraction to Med, even though he made it clear he enjoyed our time together, he never made a play for my heart, thus leaving the door opened for me to give him mine. Idiotic.

In so many ways I want to be someone's unforgettable moment, yet I am scared to death I will be.. how gay is that?! I skipped my therapist appointment today, and I don't think I will go back, mainly because I know when she finds out I sold my soul for thirty pieces of silver to my X the other day I will likely be fired as a client.. HA. So best I cut her loose rather than face such humiliation.

I have taken some pro-active steps to deal with my finances that some may find questionable.. and others may find HOT. I bounced it off of one confidant with mixed response.. I think she fell out of her chair and hit her head. I will keep it under glass until I know more. Suffice it to say I surprise even me sometimes.

I also got approached by a photographer to do some gay "Art" modeling.. I'm meeting him at his Studio in Windsor this Sunday to do a shoot. Speaking with him via phone, he is a well connected photographer, prominent in the area gay community, also serving on the Arts council. He also extended the interest of a friend of his in Florida who is doing a book on "Hot after 30", a photo/story table book set to dispel the idea that in the gay world one is "washed up" once one hits 30.

So it has been a weird couple days.. yes, even for me weird. The stars still look the same to me yet everything has changed. I wonder if the time will ever come that I look in the mirror and see what they see in me...

All time highs and lows

Fathers day was great, my kids got me a PS2 I asked for 2 years ago.. hehehe, along with my favorite cologne, and most important- their company. I couldn't help but picture myself coming out at that moment.. hence a brief hyperventilation episode. They were so cool, the eldest is a very talented cook and took command of the BBQ, we sat and went through my daughters picture albums.. Nick my sons buddy came over along with Genvieve and a few of the other regulars.

My mind kept drifting to a young guy I had chatted with the night before, during the course of the chat he revealed that his father had recently passed away of cancer.. suddenly he went from prospective date to a guy I just wanted to hug.. right there in the middle of Father's Day, for the Dad who I'm sure wanted nothing more than more time with him.

I'm getting settled one man out of sight but never far from mind. I ventured out on the net last night.. so many adorable guys, and all so young. The guys my age are chasing them.. and due to my own brood of chillens I find I am really conflicted with my desires. I have never been good at saying no, and my God these guys are just too much.

So I dance around the ones that are just too young.. yes I do have some restraint. I stumble across a young guy I dated a few times months ago. A 25 year old molecular Biology major.. shuddup. We meet at his place and he wants to go for a walk, grabs a bag and we are off, fantastic night for it, still balmy from the day of sun we had. We caught up on life while he lead me through the labyrinth of houses in a very upscale neighborhood.. I asked him if we were going someplace inparticular.. he just grinned.

Some 20 minutes later we are standing at the edge of a highschool baseball field.. he tugged my hand and we made our way to the dugout.. HOT! Next thing I know I am buck naked in the middle of the field over a hottie, pounding home plate for all it was worth.. YAY! I love baseball!!! Afterward he confessed he had been harboring this fantasy since he was 15. I felt so honored to be the guy he chose to live it.

But all fantasies give way to reality.

This morning I am faced with a stack of unpaid bills and a trust attorney who tells me it could be never.. The job I am working on right now is between projects and I am considering a return to working for Satan.. I just don't know if I can keep from killing him. My X calls, says she knows I am hurting for money, she has my back child support and will give it to me provided I agree to meet her for lunch and discuss our daughter's current boyfriend.. seems she has issues with him. I'm guessing she has been pumping my youngest son for information and knew I am hit. I never wanted her money.. but need is overtaking what I want. I feel like a complete hooker, and agree to meet her.

Damn she is good.. she even calculated about how long it would take before I started sinking. My Father has no idea how elaborate her plans can be - he simply did what she knew he would do, just as I just finished doing what she knew I would do. Time to take extreme evasive maneuvers into consideration. I can't ever let this happen again.. it makes me want to slit my wrists being this predictable and vulnerable.

All through lunch I got drilled over the fact that I pamper my girl too much, that this boy is no good, that I need to put a stop to this, that and the other thing.. my mind went numb after the hello, and every inch of me wanted to throw myself under the wheels of a bus. A hot latin guy walks past and our eyes met and locked for a moment.. she cuts me an icey glare.. never again. If I have to lay down for money it won't ever be for her.

So there it is.. from feast to famine, ecstasy to shear agony.

I feel SO dirty.

Happy Sweet 16 Baby!!

16 years ago today I stood teary eyed holding your warm little body in my hands, all snuggled in a pink cashmere blanket.. your tiny fingers gripping my finger tip.. you were so perfect I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.. you were struggling to get a good look at me too, and you sort of smiled.. well they said it was gas, but we know better.

You have brought me such joy and happiness, and I'm watching you evolve into this vivacious, brilliant, strong, gorgeous, talented, phenomenally funny human being.. some days I feel so unworthy of the gifts you have given me. From the skinned knees to your staring role as a daffodil in the kindergarten play, to cheerleading and rollerskating.. even the first time a boy came to the door, I was and always will be the proudest Dad who ever lived.

So today you are a "woman" in so many ways, I looked in on you this morning, silky locks strewn around the pillow, so angelic when you sleep. You'll always, always be my baby... it's a law ask any Dad. For all that I have or ever will accomplish in life, you will always be the closest I will ever get to a masterpiece.

I love you always.

Daddy

A weekend without

So. I took a break from visualizing the end of the world as I know it to send Med boy on his way, no doubt I am going to miss him. OK I confess, I cried.

This weekend was sort of different shades of blue.. Took the girl child to the Mall and dropped her off to buy a small pair of coasters joined by floss otherwise listed on the reciept as a "bikini". She is every bit the exhibitionist her daddy is.. THIS is so NOT a good thing.

Sweet guys keeping me company, who take time from their day to tell me I am gonna be fine, followed later by OUCH, ahem, other gifts from the LUSTY! -Who needs Manhunt lol. Well I almost got dressed to almost go to a club.

Funny thing when your emotions sneak off with some hot young Doctor while you aren't paying attention, I'm always so carefull, do they sell condoms for that sort of thing? They should. It occurs to me I may want love more than I thought I did.. now that is scary.

I have to work today, got a car going to show - it is not however going to be sticky like last night.. hehheheheh *sigh*

I've been a bad, bad, boy.
And I am loving every minute of it. My thing with Med is going to be interrupted, and it makes me sad. He is off to the windy city to start his residency next week. I plan to go and see him, but it was so nice having him close.. I think I let something silly happen and the distance will be the acid test.

Thank you guys for all your kind advice.. I know you are right, I've just been waiting for the right time.. knowing there won't ever be one. It's silly I know - that I am so afraid.. I know it has to come, and I feel like such a coward. I have carried this for so long.. it's like a part of me and I just cant let go.

Monday night the bitch trick fucked me into meeting her. She had some insurance papers that pertain to my daughter and wanted to go over the upgrades I asked for in coverage.. she has a bloody sneaky way of making the whole thing sound like my idea, it blows my mind that I keep falling for this crap.

The insurance matter took all of ten minutes and we were back to my secret.. that bitch is so smug. Then focus shifted to our daughter, and decisions that I made that she takes exception to. It got heated and I made a remark to the effect that maybe I wasn't the "best" thing in the world for her but that I was all she had. This was twisted by the following day.

I came home to my daughter very angry, asking me if there was something I needed to tell her. I felt sick.. my mind was racing, I asked her what she was talking about - she said I should know. I felt like I was choking. Then she said that my X told her all about my plans. I thought my heart was going to stop.. then she said my X told her that I was suggesting she (my X) take her back. I was both relieved and furious.. by now in tears. I am never talking to that bitch again. I have to do something soon.. I can't take another moment like that.

My therapist "C" threw her hands up in disgust when I told her what had happened, saying that if I were going to keep up the ridiculous encounters with her that we might as well throw in the towel.. Let me tell you it is a truly desperate moment when your therapist gives up on you.

We hashed things back and forth.. and at one point I said that my X had an uncanny way of making me feel sorry for her, inspite of the fact that she had fucked me over to the endth degree, at this point "C" made the astute observation that she felt I had the "Patty Hearst Syndrome", wherein the abused actually begins to not only excuse the aggressors behavior, but takes on the added position of defending and catering to them. YAY. Is there a pill for this?

We of course ran out of time -

I suspect it's begun. My Father hasn't returned a single call in over a week, coincidently my bank account is also reflecting a problem, and when I contacted my rep at the branch it's confirmed I am cut off again. Oh. And my house is sold. Nice to find this out from what is for all intents and purposes a complete stranger. I'll be going to see dear old Dad tomorrow.. this should be interesting.

I can't seem to pull my head out of the sand.