A night at home
It's Friday night and I am perched at the screen.. no manhunt, no gay.com.. just chatting with a few guys who were trying to con me into getting dressed only so I can get undressed again - not tonight. Then, swooping in from the darkness - Damon, half of my dream team, pops in to say hello! I am SO GEEKED! (Insert my best pornstar grin here.) These two guys Damon and Hunter, are not only Ad-gorgeous, but hella sweet!
It's been a crazy couple weeks. Against all your best advice in an act of sheer stupidity and fear, I dropped the PPO against my X. I am just not ready for the backlash that I know is coming once I am out - even though I know in my heart I won't be free till I am.
My house went on the market this week, in this economic decline we are in no telling how long it will take to sell, and the way the trust was wired the proceeds will shift back to the trust. My Father at this point still retains complete control of the trust which leaves me at his mercy. I don't so much rely on the fund for day to day living - however the sale of that house and the proceeds are a key to get me far from here.. if this news gets out before I can make this move my plans to relocate to SanDiego are history. I am screwed.
I know the X is up to something, and I suspect she has leaked some info to my Father.. which is in itself just messed up, I don't know why he still talks to her. I called him over some business with the house and got a 25 minute lecture on how I have been going out too much, too much time at the gym, too much time online, and neglecting my daughter. I allow her to live beyond her means (wtf?) and that I spoil her too much. 2 things that will piss me off quicker than quick got ready, talking down to me, and picking on my kids. But the thing that really smokes my ass is that the entire conversation was like a tired replay of everything that evil bitch has said to me in the past 2 weeks. I'm not sure what else she had to say to him but he was cold as ice.
So it's coming ya'll - It is almost palpable. After having been screwed over so many times by this petulant child I was married to all those years, I can feel it coming. What she refuses to see is that her part in my world is finished. I haven't answered or returned a call from her and I wont. Not anymore.
If she spills before I have relocated, I will still make the move. I will do whatever it takes to see to it that this will be the very last incursion she makes on my life. The gloves are off.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
WOODeve
Ever feel like your life has been kidnapped by your dick?
Lately I feel like one giant flaming ball of horny. Yet - I am still holding back, like if I ever really let go I may never get a grip again. My Initiation on Manhunt lead to what can only be explained as a freakish pile of hunnies. IF I were to "meet" every one of them I could easily make up the full 25 years of straight in one year if all the right people died in the right order.
But that won't happen. I have no doubt been getting some but that would just be silly. I think I am way too old fashioned for that. Right? (Sinister smirk here)
I had a cute ghost from the past come back to bite my ass the other night. "T3", you'll recall was my 19 yr old Freddie Prize'esque encounter of the nubile kind. He has hit me up a dozen times since, and my blanket reply has been sorry I can't.
The other night he asked if I would meet him for coffee.. harmless enough. He continued by asking me to meet him in the music aisle at Meijers near my place which I found odd but given his penchant for rather bizarre meeting rituals I went along with it.
I get there - no him. I am standing there browsing the aisle and I notice a very pretty young girl, brunette, Very Rachel Weisz, in fact her twin. The girl stared holes in me, and just when I was sure she was going to ask me to marry her.. she was gone. "T3" never arrived.
It never occurred to me. I found out too late that "T3's" Girlfriend had hacked his AIM password, and in fact staged the whole meeting. SO last night had some rather unfortunate drama. I feel awful... sneaky bitch, kudos on the detective work.
It all unfolded while I was chatting with my long distance hawtie, and getting plastered with offers of criminal sex from Manhunt LOL! OI. Like an idiot I am trying to do the polite thing and answer all the pretty mens, and they kept trying to "Manhunt chat" me which for some reason kept causing fatal errors on this broken turd of a computer of mine. Loverboy , makes the astute observation I am over my head and says "Close the damned thing." LOL! Hahhahaha! A "Britney" moment later and no more crashes... he is so smart.
Before I did though.. I got a message from an old MAJOR crush of mine - the man who would be "R", a guy I wanted in the worst way, who I accidentally sent a link to my old blog which apparently scared him off. He blew me off back then, shut me down. I was so mortified I shut down my blog.
Last night he was all about me. I felt oddly validated for a second, every other word in his email was "sexy" and "Hot" - then I felt elated at the prospect of another chance.. then at last my self respect kicked in as did the idea I will leave him twisting like he did me. What can I say maybe there is some jilted bitch in me after all.
I went back to the chat screen with the real guy in it..
Ever feel like your life has been kidnapped by your dick?
Lately I feel like one giant flaming ball of horny. Yet - I am still holding back, like if I ever really let go I may never get a grip again. My Initiation on Manhunt lead to what can only be explained as a freakish pile of hunnies. IF I were to "meet" every one of them I could easily make up the full 25 years of straight in one year if all the right people died in the right order.
But that won't happen. I have no doubt been getting some but that would just be silly. I think I am way too old fashioned for that. Right? (Sinister smirk here)
I had a cute ghost from the past come back to bite my ass the other night. "T3", you'll recall was my 19 yr old Freddie Prize'esque encounter of the nubile kind. He has hit me up a dozen times since, and my blanket reply has been sorry I can't.
The other night he asked if I would meet him for coffee.. harmless enough. He continued by asking me to meet him in the music aisle at Meijers near my place which I found odd but given his penchant for rather bizarre meeting rituals I went along with it.
I get there - no him. I am standing there browsing the aisle and I notice a very pretty young girl, brunette, Very Rachel Weisz, in fact her twin. The girl stared holes in me, and just when I was sure she was going to ask me to marry her.. she was gone. "T3" never arrived.
It never occurred to me. I found out too late that "T3's" Girlfriend had hacked his AIM password, and in fact staged the whole meeting. SO last night had some rather unfortunate drama. I feel awful... sneaky bitch, kudos on the detective work.
It all unfolded while I was chatting with my long distance hawtie, and getting plastered with offers of criminal sex from Manhunt LOL! OI. Like an idiot I am trying to do the polite thing and answer all the pretty mens, and they kept trying to "Manhunt chat" me which for some reason kept causing fatal errors on this broken turd of a computer of mine. Loverboy , makes the astute observation I am over my head and says "Close the damned thing." LOL! Hahhahaha! A "Britney" moment later and no more crashes... he is so smart.
Before I did though.. I got a message from an old MAJOR crush of mine - the man who would be "R", a guy I wanted in the worst way, who I accidentally sent a link to my old blog which apparently scared him off. He blew me off back then, shut me down. I was so mortified I shut down my blog.
Last night he was all about me. I felt oddly validated for a second, every other word in his email was "sexy" and "Hot" - then I felt elated at the prospect of another chance.. then at last my self respect kicked in as did the idea I will leave him twisting like he did me. What can I say maybe there is some jilted bitch in me after all.
I went back to the chat screen with the real guy in it..
Monday, May 16, 2005
MonGAY morning.
After a splendid weekend spent with my daughter and her entourage (8 giigling teen girls) I spent much of the time hiding in my room.. hey, they actually expected me to COOK.
An online honey directed me to view a profile on Manhunt LOL - dang nobody tells me these things??!! I open an account and vioalla! I systematically begin saying hi to every horny gay boy, boi, man, and pig in SE Michigan. Lord.
The pic above is one of only 2 visible in my profile.. I took it to further corrupt the virtue of my Crunch who gives me the sweetest gift every day.. that smile on my face. Dammit Marc I will totally be making you pay for my botox injections should I suddenly require them.
Truth is perhaps the very thing that kept me youthfull is the fact I have done so little smiling. I do it alot more these days. Should I worry? Nah.
Well not to miss the opportunity to post yet another compliment fishing expedition - shuddup.. this is the other "public" pic
I've learned it is hard to smile and flex my abs.. how odd.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Part II
Sorry to leave ya'll hangin. I've no doubt whatever that she is blackmailing me.. funny I guess I knew it would come down to this. I've been in sort of a daze for a week now. I guess when she didn't hang me out there months ago when I moved out, I thought I was in the clear.. That's what I get for thinking.
I'm faced with choices I don't want to make, I'm not ready to make, and fighting the urge to bury my head in a pillow praying it will all just be over with. I hate her for this. She is back to calling me every day, and jambing my voice mail. She must really believe I'll do anything to keep this secret. I'm so angry with myself for having let corner me like this.
I'm not ready for this, my kids aren't ready for this, it will hurt them no matter what.. and I guess the thing that rocks me most is that she doesn't care. To her they are simply game pieces that she moves around tho board while trying to take me down. It makes me cringe to think I spent all these years with someone that despicable and black hearted. What a tragic waste of time.
Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best idea is to do nothing. Much like the evil bastard that taught me about the dark backside of secrets all those years ago - my X doesn't know it but she exists in a state of mutual destruction, as I am sure if she does out me it will explode in her face... sometimes they really do shoot the messenger. If she doesn't, I know the time is near that I will tell them. I'm building the strength to survive the inescapable losses that I know are coming.
Every train wreck eventually grinds to a halt. They rescue the survivors, tend to the wounded, and bury the dead.
Sorry to leave ya'll hangin. I've no doubt whatever that she is blackmailing me.. funny I guess I knew it would come down to this. I've been in sort of a daze for a week now. I guess when she didn't hang me out there months ago when I moved out, I thought I was in the clear.. That's what I get for thinking.
I'm faced with choices I don't want to make, I'm not ready to make, and fighting the urge to bury my head in a pillow praying it will all just be over with. I hate her for this. She is back to calling me every day, and jambing my voice mail. She must really believe I'll do anything to keep this secret. I'm so angry with myself for having let corner me like this.
I'm not ready for this, my kids aren't ready for this, it will hurt them no matter what.. and I guess the thing that rocks me most is that she doesn't care. To her they are simply game pieces that she moves around tho board while trying to take me down. It makes me cringe to think I spent all these years with someone that despicable and black hearted. What a tragic waste of time.
Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best idea is to do nothing. Much like the evil bastard that taught me about the dark backside of secrets all those years ago - my X doesn't know it but she exists in a state of mutual destruction, as I am sure if she does out me it will explode in her face... sometimes they really do shoot the messenger. If she doesn't, I know the time is near that I will tell them. I'm building the strength to survive the inescapable losses that I know are coming.
Every train wreck eventually grinds to a halt. They rescue the survivors, tend to the wounded, and bury the dead.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Stupid is as stupid does..
I should know better.. my therapist is confounded by it as well, but I can't seem to lock my X out of my life. I started talking with her this week over another issue going on with my middle son, which then trailed off into some issues arising out of the PPO I have on her, and for some fool reason I accepted an invitation to lunch. In my defense - she said she had something that she urgently needed to discuss with me and didn't want to do it over the phone.. something in the tone of her voice.. I don't know, I am such a pushover.
Within minutes I am up to my eyeballs in sob stories over what the PPO is causing her - ie violation of her probation, my response should be something like "Tough shit", but I continue to listen.. and then the conversation takes a twist.
Her: I know you don't believe it but I need to have you in my life, I want you to be happy.. don't think I don't know about your secret, I have made what you do my number one priority.
Me: What?
Her: I know when you come and go, I know who you go to see, where you go, what you do. I know when you wake up, I know when you go to bed, I know where you are and who you are with when you are supposed to be at the store..
Me: Blank stare
Her: You don't have to worry - I won't tell anyone ever.. but I need you to know I want you in my life no matter how, I want you to be happy.. do you want to talk about this??
Me: Blank stare.. tears
Her: I have known for a long time, and I can accept it, I just need you to know it doesn't change anything about the way I feel for you.. No matter what I will always be here for you. I know what you want, and I am content to be whatever part of your life I can be, just don't shut me out because I can't live with that.
Me: Why would you do this? Why did you bring me here?? Is it time to finish me off?
Her: It isn't about that.. I want you to know you can talk to me, I know this hasn't been easy, and you are going through hell.
Me: Blank stare.. tears
Me: I have to go.
To be continued..
Within minutes I am up to my eyeballs in sob stories over what the PPO is causing her - ie violation of her probation, my response should be something like "Tough shit", but I continue to listen.. and then the conversation takes a twist.
Her: I know you don't believe it but I need to have you in my life, I want you to be happy.. don't think I don't know about your secret, I have made what you do my number one priority.
Me: What?
Her: I know when you come and go, I know who you go to see, where you go, what you do. I know when you wake up, I know when you go to bed, I know where you are and who you are with when you are supposed to be at the store..
Me: Blank stare
Her: You don't have to worry - I won't tell anyone ever.. but I need you to know I want you in my life no matter how, I want you to be happy.. do you want to talk about this??
Me: Blank stare.. tears
Her: I have known for a long time, and I can accept it, I just need you to know it doesn't change anything about the way I feel for you.. No matter what I will always be here for you. I know what you want, and I am content to be whatever part of your life I can be, just don't shut me out because I can't live with that.
Me: Why would you do this? Why did you bring me here?? Is it time to finish me off?
Her: It isn't about that.. I want you to know you can talk to me, I know this hasn't been easy, and you are going through hell.
Me: Blank stare.. tears
Me: I have to go.
To be continued..
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