The drive.
I couldn't help but giggle a bit when I was driving up to meet "S", having read Toby's recent posts, I think we all want to kill Bill once in a while.. Barreling down the highway Friday night wind in my hair, radio blaring, soft lights of the dash, and pornographic thoughts causing a slight grin at the corner of my mouth.. couldn't help but think to myself - if I am driving far enough to loose radio contact this better be bloody sublime..
If you recall I had to cancel a date last week.. this was the outcome. I stepped into the accelerator, late as usual - he phoned and we were both running about the same time wise. He sounded so hot over the phone.. OH LOOK - a cop! I hate that feeling you get when blasting past them 20 miles over the speed limit.. and it's even worse when you see them pull out behind you seconds later.. Bastards. Looking up at the unpaid ticket I got 2 weeks ago I just cringed and waited. He blew past me - and I pictured the evil giggle he no doubt had while doing it. Fucker.
I don't normally consider guys that involve distance but this one made me blink.. dinner and a movie.. hehehe ok. We're blabbing on the cell when I pull up on him at the theater.. he is all that. Get the tickets to a late night screening of "Must love Dogs", and head to Logans across the lot for a quick bite and get acquainted.. these college boys are going to be the end of me.
Something about us definitely clicked.. he had a very Ryan Cabrera look to his face, taller and leaner, but definitely well worth the drive. We sat there and checked out some of the waiters.. definitely some hot "bois" hehehe. The movie was fun.. we were literally the only 2 people in the theater.. I heart Imax. We actually watch most of the movie.. Diane Lane is a funny bitch when she puts her mind to it. By the time the credits were rolling so were we.. I'll have to rent it on video to see how it ended.
Hotel rooms are engineered for fucking hot sex..... anyone doing a blacklight check of that room will leave some major questions should anyone ever do something so silly.
I woke up way late Saturday morning.. my message Q was flashing and my cell was almost dead.. Ugh.. no time to shower - I brush the teeth quick, plant one on the hottie as I press my half of the room fee in his hand - we giggle about what a hooker he looks like, even with morning breath his kisses are hot. If it weren't for the fact I broke his poor body before passing out at almost 5 am I would totally have thrown him on the floor and finished off that room. *sigh* Really, I was the one who looked like a hooker.. pillow hair, 5 o'clock shadow, something sticky here n there.. hahahhaah.
It is hard to speed on the way home.. my cruise control hasn't worked since the X ran me off the road, and my legs were weak. Seriously. Unlike Toby.. this is a trip I will no doubt make every chance I get.
And I owe it all to you guys
Ya'll keep me going.
I have reconciled myself to the idea that sometimes there just aren't any easy answers... just more questions.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Nowhere to hide.
Groundhog day. Ever see the movie?
If the whole Manhunt thing hadn't run it's course the following events have certainly tainted things to the extent it is just silly. I'll be on there long enough to copy some numbers I don't want to loose get a few alternate email addys because there actually were some guys that I simply enjoyed chatting with on there.. but trust this chapter is closed.
Really in light of the following I will be puting a hold on everything.
I'm talking to my X on about some "Issues" regarding our daughter, she is in my face about my going out.. and I am on her case because she has still not tempted counseling with her - the relaitionship between them has been fire and gasoline. Her reply was that there wasn't time. She procedes to tell me that she has breast cancer and that she is terminal.
Those who were reading before I had to pull the blog the last time will recall she had eluded to this months ago but never came right out and said it. Given her history of insanely convincing fabrication my initial instict was that she was lying and trying to gain my sympathies - then at the same time imagining the bitter irony if these things she were telling me were true. Certainly everyone is well versed with the little boy who cried wolf.
So I sit there half stunned, half horrified. OK, more horrified.. by the idea that she would stoop to this, and a little sickened at the idea that I was probably correct in my initial suspiscion - yet saddened by the thought that if what she was saying was true she was facing a lonely finish. This is just twisted. I couldn't help but toss the fake pregnancy at her and she persisted that she had learned her lesson and that no, she was not lying this time. But still.. her lips are moving.
So then she goes on to rant some more about my dating habbits and tells me that she is actively seeking my new companion.. before I could stop myself "what?" just came spilling out. She goes on to tell me that she has logged into these dating services using faked profiles, chatting with various people and telling them she has been with me - that I am this that and the other thing, and that they should hit me up..
Utterly speachless for a second - she goes on to tell me that she knows what I think I want but that she knows what I need and she intends to see to it that her daughter is taken care of after she is gone. The whole while she is talking my head flips back to "RG" - that was just too weird.. coupled with a raft of random mental thoughts of strangling her where she sat. There is no reasoning, and she persists she is sincere.. Kill me now.
I tell her that I took my system in to have it checked and she laughs - "Go get a new computer for all I care, change your passwords, change your screen names, it won't do you any good." So this has to be some IP tracking system? PS.. nothing in my system, and she also picked up the activity when I was using my work laptop during the time my system was in the shop. SO - FL John.. you were on the money. I ran the adaware and they did it at the shop as well - this must be some slick technology because it hasn't as much as slowed her down.
If all of this wasn't creepy enough - she goes on to tell me she is paying to have me watched, placing people within feet of me. She goes on to describe a rather unique style of crunch I do at the gym.. and how this person who is watching me thinks I am "smokin" - then goes on to detail my every movement for the past 2 weeks, the events, the people, places, what I was wearing right down to my scent. Things I have detailed nowhere.
OK now if the idea of someone standing behind me at a club watching my every move is not disturbing enough - add to this the idea that I have no idea what type of person this is, or what their own agenda might be, she tells me the individual{s} are gay, and are watching to ensure I don't get hurt, or "taken advantage" of. I cant even wrap my mind around this.
She cries when she says that she knows what her insane behavior has done to me, I cry because she really truly has no clue. She cries when she says that she knows I will never be "with" her again, I cry because I really never should have been. She cries when she insists that she can't live without me in her world, I cry because even though I REALLY shouldn't care I do - and I am afraid that could be true. She cries when she swears that she means me no harm, I cry because harm is all I can remember, and all I ever walk away with. She cries when she tells me she only wants me to be happy, I cry because I just don't see a chance that will ever happen.
I cry at the idea that none of this will ever end... it's really all just too messed up.
Groundhog day. Ever see the movie?
If the whole Manhunt thing hadn't run it's course the following events have certainly tainted things to the extent it is just silly. I'll be on there long enough to copy some numbers I don't want to loose get a few alternate email addys because there actually were some guys that I simply enjoyed chatting with on there.. but trust this chapter is closed.
Really in light of the following I will be puting a hold on everything.
I'm talking to my X on about some "Issues" regarding our daughter, she is in my face about my going out.. and I am on her case because she has still not tempted counseling with her - the relaitionship between them has been fire and gasoline. Her reply was that there wasn't time. She procedes to tell me that she has breast cancer and that she is terminal.
Those who were reading before I had to pull the blog the last time will recall she had eluded to this months ago but never came right out and said it. Given her history of insanely convincing fabrication my initial instict was that she was lying and trying to gain my sympathies - then at the same time imagining the bitter irony if these things she were telling me were true. Certainly everyone is well versed with the little boy who cried wolf.
So I sit there half stunned, half horrified. OK, more horrified.. by the idea that she would stoop to this, and a little sickened at the idea that I was probably correct in my initial suspiscion - yet saddened by the thought that if what she was saying was true she was facing a lonely finish. This is just twisted. I couldn't help but toss the fake pregnancy at her and she persisted that she had learned her lesson and that no, she was not lying this time. But still.. her lips are moving.
So then she goes on to rant some more about my dating habbits and tells me that she is actively seeking my new companion.. before I could stop myself "what?" just came spilling out. She goes on to tell me that she has logged into these dating services using faked profiles, chatting with various people and telling them she has been with me - that I am this that and the other thing, and that they should hit me up..
Utterly speachless for a second - she goes on to tell me that she knows what I think I want but that she knows what I need and she intends to see to it that her daughter is taken care of after she is gone. The whole while she is talking my head flips back to "RG" - that was just too weird.. coupled with a raft of random mental thoughts of strangling her where she sat. There is no reasoning, and she persists she is sincere.. Kill me now.
I tell her that I took my system in to have it checked and she laughs - "Go get a new computer for all I care, change your passwords, change your screen names, it won't do you any good." So this has to be some IP tracking system? PS.. nothing in my system, and she also picked up the activity when I was using my work laptop during the time my system was in the shop. SO - FL John.. you were on the money. I ran the adaware and they did it at the shop as well - this must be some slick technology because it hasn't as much as slowed her down.
If all of this wasn't creepy enough - she goes on to tell me she is paying to have me watched, placing people within feet of me. She goes on to describe a rather unique style of crunch I do at the gym.. and how this person who is watching me thinks I am "smokin" - then goes on to detail my every movement for the past 2 weeks, the events, the people, places, what I was wearing right down to my scent. Things I have detailed nowhere.
OK now if the idea of someone standing behind me at a club watching my every move is not disturbing enough - add to this the idea that I have no idea what type of person this is, or what their own agenda might be, she tells me the individual{s} are gay, and are watching to ensure I don't get hurt, or "taken advantage" of. I cant even wrap my mind around this.
She cries when she says that she knows what her insane behavior has done to me, I cry because she really truly has no clue. She cries when she says that she knows I will never be "with" her again, I cry because I really never should have been. She cries when she insists that she can't live without me in her world, I cry because even though I REALLY shouldn't care I do - and I am afraid that could be true. She cries when she swears that she means me no harm, I cry because harm is all I can remember, and all I ever walk away with. She cries when she tells me she only wants me to be happy, I cry because I just don't see a chance that will ever happen.
I cry at the idea that none of this will ever end... it's really all just too messed up.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
When the Hunter becomes the Hunted.
"N" - or my married hottie.. not to be confused with "N" my X lol. Shuddup.
Anyho - "N" calls me the other day.. see the backstory with him is that he was already involved with another guy (another total hottie) that involved an impossible situation.. one more challenged in moral principle than anything. But still, one that would allow him the luxury of keeping his wife and kids, and having his man on the side. Given the fact that he and I have merely exchanged pics and emails, spoken on the phone.. you wouldn't think the attachment would be huge. But still there was something about him.
His dilemma was put to an end by choice and the two of them were over.. but then his x lover made an impassioned plea, followed by some artfull professional manipulation that will place him in the same city/hotel/presumably bed, next week. He called me for advice.. not easy to give when I had my own desires and agenda with him. But damned if I didn't set them aside.
You see real love is very hard to find.. nobody knows this better than I do. As much as I wanted to give him a tumble - he really had already given his heart and I knew it. I've lived long enough to know that love is a precious thing and it won't always come to you on your terms, there may be tolls that are paid to hold onto it.
Good luck sweet man.. be happy. I'll be thinking of you.
I cancelled plans to attend a White Party last night in A2, just wasn't in the party mood. Enter Rich guy - "RG". The man is 50 and self described as very good looking yet no pic. He shoots me a message saying he can "well afford" to bring me to him.. OK so I figure this is my X, this is so the kind of shit she would pull. I write him back telling him as much.. he persists he is not and fires me his phone number which I sit on till the next day. I call him and he seemed nice enough, although the fact that he screwed a well known designer in the basement of "54" made it into the conversation, which I have to say I really didn't need to know.
He invites me to a party at 555, a high end high rise in Birmingham. I accept the invitation and I was supposed to call him back. That afternoon after getting rear ended by an Arab Princess in a 3 day old Z4, waiting for the tow truck to arrive to pry our vehicles apart, necessitating the cancellation of yet another date with a sweet guy I really wanted to meet. I reconsidered the entire thing with "RG".
While standing in the rain, because the 17 year old princess got out of her car and was about to get hit whilst trying to see the damage, I got out of mine to usher the dizzy bitch back to her seat, and managed to lock myself out of my truck with my cellphone and keys inside it. *sigh* It occurs to me "RG" wants something I may not be ready to give.. I think everyone secretly wants that "Pretty Woman" ending, but I just sent him my regrets, something I seem to do a lot lately. Maybe I think too much.
I've been chatting with lot of hotties online .. seemingly I would have no life at all if not for this computer. Something in me won't let me stop running.
I spend way too much time on Manhunt. Shuddup.
"N" - or my married hottie.. not to be confused with "N" my X lol. Shuddup.
Anyho - "N" calls me the other day.. see the backstory with him is that he was already involved with another guy (another total hottie) that involved an impossible situation.. one more challenged in moral principle than anything. But still, one that would allow him the luxury of keeping his wife and kids, and having his man on the side. Given the fact that he and I have merely exchanged pics and emails, spoken on the phone.. you wouldn't think the attachment would be huge. But still there was something about him.
His dilemma was put to an end by choice and the two of them were over.. but then his x lover made an impassioned plea, followed by some artfull professional manipulation that will place him in the same city/hotel/presumably bed, next week. He called me for advice.. not easy to give when I had my own desires and agenda with him. But damned if I didn't set them aside.
You see real love is very hard to find.. nobody knows this better than I do. As much as I wanted to give him a tumble - he really had already given his heart and I knew it. I've lived long enough to know that love is a precious thing and it won't always come to you on your terms, there may be tolls that are paid to hold onto it.
Good luck sweet man.. be happy. I'll be thinking of you.
I cancelled plans to attend a White Party last night in A2, just wasn't in the party mood. Enter Rich guy - "RG". The man is 50 and self described as very good looking yet no pic. He shoots me a message saying he can "well afford" to bring me to him.. OK so I figure this is my X, this is so the kind of shit she would pull. I write him back telling him as much.. he persists he is not and fires me his phone number which I sit on till the next day. I call him and he seemed nice enough, although the fact that he screwed a well known designer in the basement of "54" made it into the conversation, which I have to say I really didn't need to know.
He invites me to a party at 555, a high end high rise in Birmingham. I accept the invitation and I was supposed to call him back. That afternoon after getting rear ended by an Arab Princess in a 3 day old Z4, waiting for the tow truck to arrive to pry our vehicles apart, necessitating the cancellation of yet another date with a sweet guy I really wanted to meet. I reconsidered the entire thing with "RG".
While standing in the rain, because the 17 year old princess got out of her car and was about to get hit whilst trying to see the damage, I got out of mine to usher the dizzy bitch back to her seat, and managed to lock myself out of my truck with my cellphone and keys inside it. *sigh* It occurs to me "RG" wants something I may not be ready to give.. I think everyone secretly wants that "Pretty Woman" ending, but I just sent him my regrets, something I seem to do a lot lately. Maybe I think too much.
I've been chatting with lot of hotties online .. seemingly I would have no life at all if not for this computer. Something in me won't let me stop running.
I spend way too much time on Manhunt. Shuddup.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sometimes songs just say it better.
Simple plan
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold on
On to a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
listen
Simple plan
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold on
On to a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
listen
Saturday, August 13, 2005
The trouble with 10's
The book of 10.I've talked about it here, that mental black book that contains all my secrets. "C" was straight from chapter one, smooth swimmer build, scruffy boy hot, and a sort of surety about him that just turned me on. I met him at his loft, bottle(s) of wine in hand.. the guy had it goin on.
His place was very artsy, and totally him. Decked in candles, and everything done to perfection. We talked for a while.. ok he talked, and I just sort of took him in, watching his face, his mouth.. there was this unassuming sweetness about him... they say you can't go back, but he was taking me there. When I finally leaned in to kiss him it was instantly electric.
Something in me was propelled back in time to that guy that I was all those years ago, praying inside for a moment like this, knowing it would never come. laying there behind him my arms wrapped around him tight.. I didn't let him see, just laid there smelling his hair and utterly caught in the moment. It took me a minute to realize I had tears coming, and no idea why. He would have thought I was crazy.. then I realized he was so that guy in chapter one, the one I would have sold my soul for just to have this moment. He never had a face, never had a name.. just this imaginary guy, pieces of every guy that ever made me wish that I were free.
He reached right through me, never intending to. I laid there in the dim light struggling to catch my breath, confused by this thing that just knocked me down, afraid to take my arms off him and literally shaking from the experience. He laid there oblivious.. starting to roll back towards me I held him tighter for a moment.. not wanting him to see.
It wasn't love.. it was more spiritual as corny as that sounds, like something in him unwittingly just reached back and set that lonely boy free. It was in a sort of daze trying to figure it out on the way home that night.. my exploits while they may not be many never affected me this way.. after the cop pulled me over for blowing the redlight I came back to earth. Yet the following day I couldn't get him off my mind.
I TM'd him in what can only be described as random acts of stupidity, a writer at his worst lol, and he most certainly thinks I am quite insane. *sigh* Ever write something lame and just compound it trying to correct it? LOL .. shuddup.
I wanted to explain it to him.. but there just aren't words and I am not even sure I understand it. I wanted to see him again.. but well see. Sometimes when you blow it that's just where it stops.
And meanwhile
Another week of crazy. They say if it doesn't kill you it can only make you stronger.. spoken like true idiots. Sometimes if it doesn't kill you it just leaves you wishing you were dead. I'm cutting contact with my X for a while, I'm more sure than ever that even if she was sincere this is just going to wind up with me in the crossfire again. She swears to have my best interests at heart but then never misses an opportunity to make me feel like shit.
She called me at 12:30 AM Saturday night to let me know someone was trying to access my information - which granted was sort of disconcerting, but more disturbing still was the idea that she has some sort of program on her system that is reporting ANYTHING remotely linked to me.. I met her Sunday morning for breakfast to discuss this reasonably.. omg just kill me now.
The conversation went on over the number of online services I have, screenames, people who messaged me, what they said.. I am astounded. For one who claims to be illiterate computer wise she has well exceeded my abilities to figure out why. If she really wanted me back these things can only serve to hurt her. She persists that she is trying to protect me.. then throws details of my would be dangerous liaisons in my face.
I've worked way too hard to feel good about myself again to continue subjecting myself to this.
And then there is "N"
This guy is hot.. take the sculpture of "David" ahead a few years, more mature.. hella sexy, and very married. Yes I know, and yet as I have said before I never listen to me. My common sense says leave this poor guy alone.. and yet when he calls I cant hang up.. he is charismatic, sexy, funny, sexy, sincere, sexy, somewhat lost and did I mention sexy? I can't be the reason he leaves his wife - yet I know if he crooked his finger I would likely run to him.
I think I have reached a place where my heart is just way too close to the surface.. and I am in need of time to sort this all out and yet I can't step back for fear I'll be lost forever again. Yes I know - moronic.
The book of 10.I've talked about it here, that mental black book that contains all my secrets. "C" was straight from chapter one, smooth swimmer build, scruffy boy hot, and a sort of surety about him that just turned me on. I met him at his loft, bottle(s) of wine in hand.. the guy had it goin on.
His place was very artsy, and totally him. Decked in candles, and everything done to perfection. We talked for a while.. ok he talked, and I just sort of took him in, watching his face, his mouth.. there was this unassuming sweetness about him... they say you can't go back, but he was taking me there. When I finally leaned in to kiss him it was instantly electric.
Something in me was propelled back in time to that guy that I was all those years ago, praying inside for a moment like this, knowing it would never come. laying there behind him my arms wrapped around him tight.. I didn't let him see, just laid there smelling his hair and utterly caught in the moment. It took me a minute to realize I had tears coming, and no idea why. He would have thought I was crazy.. then I realized he was so that guy in chapter one, the one I would have sold my soul for just to have this moment. He never had a face, never had a name.. just this imaginary guy, pieces of every guy that ever made me wish that I were free.
He reached right through me, never intending to. I laid there in the dim light struggling to catch my breath, confused by this thing that just knocked me down, afraid to take my arms off him and literally shaking from the experience. He laid there oblivious.. starting to roll back towards me I held him tighter for a moment.. not wanting him to see.
It wasn't love.. it was more spiritual as corny as that sounds, like something in him unwittingly just reached back and set that lonely boy free. It was in a sort of daze trying to figure it out on the way home that night.. my exploits while they may not be many never affected me this way.. after the cop pulled me over for blowing the redlight I came back to earth. Yet the following day I couldn't get him off my mind.
I TM'd him in what can only be described as random acts of stupidity, a writer at his worst lol, and he most certainly thinks I am quite insane. *sigh* Ever write something lame and just compound it trying to correct it? LOL .. shuddup.
I wanted to explain it to him.. but there just aren't words and I am not even sure I understand it. I wanted to see him again.. but well see. Sometimes when you blow it that's just where it stops.
And meanwhile
Another week of crazy. They say if it doesn't kill you it can only make you stronger.. spoken like true idiots. Sometimes if it doesn't kill you it just leaves you wishing you were dead. I'm cutting contact with my X for a while, I'm more sure than ever that even if she was sincere this is just going to wind up with me in the crossfire again. She swears to have my best interests at heart but then never misses an opportunity to make me feel like shit.
She called me at 12:30 AM Saturday night to let me know someone was trying to access my information - which granted was sort of disconcerting, but more disturbing still was the idea that she has some sort of program on her system that is reporting ANYTHING remotely linked to me.. I met her Sunday morning for breakfast to discuss this reasonably.. omg just kill me now.
The conversation went on over the number of online services I have, screenames, people who messaged me, what they said.. I am astounded. For one who claims to be illiterate computer wise she has well exceeded my abilities to figure out why. If she really wanted me back these things can only serve to hurt her. She persists that she is trying to protect me.. then throws details of my would be dangerous liaisons in my face.
I've worked way too hard to feel good about myself again to continue subjecting myself to this.
And then there is "N"
This guy is hot.. take the sculpture of "David" ahead a few years, more mature.. hella sexy, and very married. Yes I know, and yet as I have said before I never listen to me. My common sense says leave this poor guy alone.. and yet when he calls I cant hang up.. he is charismatic, sexy, funny, sexy, sincere, sexy, somewhat lost and did I mention sexy? I can't be the reason he leaves his wife - yet I know if he crooked his finger I would likely run to him.
I think I have reached a place where my heart is just way too close to the surface.. and I am in need of time to sort this all out and yet I can't step back for fear I'll be lost forever again. Yes I know - moronic.
Monday, August 01, 2005
And you knew it would
Bouncing along.. back to work with Satan in a week that can only be described as life in motion, or commotion depending upon what fresh hell the day brings. I used to love my work.. I'm finding it isn't enough for me these days and that has me very bugged. I think it is high time I stretch my horizons. It's like something is pulling me, but to where I haven't the foggiest.
My online "hunt" for Med boy's replacement has yielded some interesting prospects - to include one rather strange would be wealthy X NY model who hit me up then asked that I meet his X bf and get naked so he could see whether he thought I was his "type". HAHAHA! Out of morbid curiosity I played along with his little game until at one point he said something to the effect - "just think of it as going to the doctor".. I guess there really are all kinds, and I strongly suspect this guy is in the future Ted Bundy class.
My X has been running heavy interference.. bitch if you are reading this - mind ya own. The other day she recited a segment of an instant message - guys this is getting very bizarre, how is it possible for her to get this? She called me last night trying to load a "Movie" into her laptop - at one point out of shear stupidity I asked her what she was trying to watch.. Lord. Gay porn.
I had a couple little hotties cruisin me at the gym yesterday.. that was fun, I do love flirting. Funny - the less manicured I look the more they seem to like it - yesterday I was in the "wtf" mode and went to the gym unshowered/shaved with a kinda Billy Idol hair thing goin on.. It happens when product lets go on the E-way with the windows down and the sunroof opened lol. *sigh* They were really cute..
I spent the weekend online and out and about.. didn't meet anyone, didn't feel like it. Something is building with "P" and I and it has me by the short hairs. I'm afraid to put it into words with him, afraid to get shot down. Despite how it may look here once in a while my ego has the consistency of crystal, easily shattered.
It's the dreaded Monday and in celebration of this I was supposed to meet a hottie for a nooner.. but I just cancelled. I must be coming down with something.. dear LORD.. DON'T LET IT BE MORALS.
Bouncing along.. back to work with Satan in a week that can only be described as life in motion, or commotion depending upon what fresh hell the day brings. I used to love my work.. I'm finding it isn't enough for me these days and that has me very bugged. I think it is high time I stretch my horizons. It's like something is pulling me, but to where I haven't the foggiest.
My online "hunt" for Med boy's replacement has yielded some interesting prospects - to include one rather strange would be wealthy X NY model who hit me up then asked that I meet his X bf and get naked so he could see whether he thought I was his "type". HAHAHA! Out of morbid curiosity I played along with his little game until at one point he said something to the effect - "just think of it as going to the doctor".. I guess there really are all kinds, and I strongly suspect this guy is in the future Ted Bundy class.
My X has been running heavy interference.. bitch if you are reading this - mind ya own. The other day she recited a segment of an instant message - guys this is getting very bizarre, how is it possible for her to get this? She called me last night trying to load a "Movie" into her laptop - at one point out of shear stupidity I asked her what she was trying to watch.. Lord. Gay porn.
I had a couple little hotties cruisin me at the gym yesterday.. that was fun, I do love flirting. Funny - the less manicured I look the more they seem to like it - yesterday I was in the "wtf" mode and went to the gym unshowered/shaved with a kinda Billy Idol hair thing goin on.. It happens when product lets go on the E-way with the windows down and the sunroof opened lol. *sigh* They were really cute..
I spent the weekend online and out and about.. didn't meet anyone, didn't feel like it. Something is building with "P" and I and it has me by the short hairs. I'm afraid to put it into words with him, afraid to get shot down. Despite how it may look here once in a while my ego has the consistency of crystal, easily shattered.
It's the dreaded Monday and in celebration of this I was supposed to meet a hottie for a nooner.. but I just cancelled. I must be coming down with something.. dear LORD.. DON'T LET IT BE MORALS.
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