Nowhere to hide.

Groundhog day. Ever see the movie?

If the whole Manhunt thing hadn't run it's course the following events have certainly tainted things to the extent it is just silly. I'll be on there long enough to copy some numbers I don't want to loose get a few alternate email addys because there actually were some guys that I simply enjoyed chatting with on there.. but trust this chapter is closed.

Really in light of the following I will be puting a hold on everything.

I'm talking to my X on about some "Issues" regarding our daughter, she is in my face about my going out.. and I am on her case because she has still not tempted counseling with her - the relaitionship between them has been fire and gasoline. Her reply was that there wasn't time. She procedes to tell me that she has breast cancer and that she is terminal.

Those who were reading before I had to pull the blog the last time will recall she had eluded to this months ago but never came right out and said it. Given her history of insanely convincing fabrication my initial instict was that she was lying and trying to gain my sympathies - then at the same time imagining the bitter irony if these things she were telling me were true. Certainly everyone is well versed with the little boy who cried wolf.

So I sit there half stunned, half horrified. OK, more horrified.. by the idea that she would stoop to this, and a little sickened at the idea that I was probably correct in my initial suspiscion - yet saddened by the thought that if what she was saying was true she was facing a lonely finish. This is just twisted. I couldn't help but toss the fake pregnancy at her and she persisted that she had learned her lesson and that no, she was not lying this time. But still.. her lips are moving.

So then she goes on to rant some more about my dating habbits and tells me that she is actively seeking my new companion.. before I could stop myself "what?" just came spilling out. She goes on to tell me that she has logged into these dating services using faked profiles, chatting with various people and telling them she has been with me - that I am this that and the other thing, and that they should hit me up..

Utterly speachless for a second - she goes on to tell me that she knows what I think I want but that she knows what I need and she intends to see to it that her daughter is taken care of after she is gone. The whole while she is talking my head flips back to "RG" - that was just too weird.. coupled with a raft of random mental thoughts of strangling her where she sat. There is no reasoning, and she persists she is sincere.. Kill me now.

I tell her that I took my system in to have it checked and she laughs - "Go get a new computer for all I care, change your passwords, change your screen names, it won't do you any good." So this has to be some IP tracking system? PS.. nothing in my system, and she also picked up the activity when I was using my work laptop during the time my system was in the shop. SO - FL John.. you were on the money. I ran the adaware and they did it at the shop as well - this must be some slick technology because it hasn't as much as slowed her down.

If all of this wasn't creepy enough - she goes on to tell me she is paying to have me watched, placing people within feet of me. She goes on to describe a rather unique style of crunch I do at the gym.. and how this person who is watching me thinks I am "smokin" - then goes on to detail my every movement for the past 2 weeks, the events, the people, places, what I was wearing right down to my scent. Things I have detailed nowhere.

OK now if the idea of someone standing behind me at a club watching my every move is not disturbing enough - add to this the idea that I have no idea what type of person this is, or what their own agenda might be, she tells me the individual{s} are gay, and are watching to ensure I don't get hurt, or "taken advantage" of. I cant even wrap my mind around this.

She cries when she says that she knows what her insane behavior has done to me, I cry because she really truly has no clue. She cries when she says that she knows I will never be "with" her again, I cry because I really never should have been. She cries when she insists that she can't live without me in her world, I cry because even though I REALLY shouldn't care I do - and I am afraid that could be true. She cries when she swears that she means me no harm, I cry because harm is all I can remember, and all I ever walk away with. She cries when she tells me she only wants me to be happy, I cry because I just don't see a chance that will ever happen.

I cry at the idea that none of this will ever end... it's really all just too messed up.