The trouble with 10's

The book of 10.I've talked about it here, that mental black book that contains all my secrets. "C" was straight from chapter one, smooth swimmer build, scruffy boy hot, and a sort of surety about him that just turned me on. I met him at his loft, bottle(s) of wine in hand.. the guy had it goin on.

His place was very artsy, and totally him. Decked in candles, and everything done to perfection. We talked for a while.. ok he talked, and I just sort of took him in, watching his face, his mouth.. there was this unassuming sweetness about him... they say you can't go back, but he was taking me there. When I finally leaned in to kiss him it was instantly electric.

Something in me was propelled back in time to that guy that I was all those years ago, praying inside for a moment like this, knowing it would never come. laying there behind him my arms wrapped around him tight.. I didn't let him see, just laid there smelling his hair and utterly caught in the moment. It took me a minute to realize I had tears coming, and no idea why. He would have thought I was crazy.. then I realized he was so that guy in chapter one, the one I would have sold my soul for just to have this moment. He never had a face, never had a name.. just this imaginary guy, pieces of every guy that ever made me wish that I were free.

He reached right through me, never intending to. I laid there in the dim light struggling to catch my breath, confused by this thing that just knocked me down, afraid to take my arms off him and literally shaking from the experience. He laid there oblivious.. starting to roll back towards me I held him tighter for a moment.. not wanting him to see.

It wasn't love.. it was more spiritual as corny as that sounds, like something in him unwittingly just reached back and set that lonely boy free. It was in a sort of daze trying to figure it out on the way home that night.. my exploits while they may not be many never affected me this way.. after the cop pulled me over for blowing the redlight I came back to earth. Yet the following day I couldn't get him off my mind.

I TM'd him in what can only be described as random acts of stupidity, a writer at his worst lol, and he most certainly thinks I am quite insane. *sigh* Ever write something lame and just compound it trying to correct it? LOL .. shuddup.

I wanted to explain it to him.. but there just aren't words and I am not even sure I understand it. I wanted to see him again.. but well see. Sometimes when you blow it that's just where it stops.

And meanwhile

Another week of crazy. They say if it doesn't kill you it can only make you stronger.. spoken like true idiots. Sometimes if it doesn't kill you it just leaves you wishing you were dead. I'm cutting contact with my X for a while, I'm more sure than ever that even if she was sincere this is just going to wind up with me in the crossfire again. She swears to have my best interests at heart but then never misses an opportunity to make me feel like shit.

She called me at 12:30 AM Saturday night to let me know someone was trying to access my information - which granted was sort of disconcerting, but more disturbing still was the idea that she has some sort of program on her system that is reporting ANYTHING remotely linked to me.. I met her Sunday morning for breakfast to discuss this reasonably.. omg just kill me now.

The conversation went on over the number of online services I have, screenames, people who messaged me, what they said.. I am astounded. For one who claims to be illiterate computer wise she has well exceeded my abilities to figure out why. If she really wanted me back these things can only serve to hurt her. She persists that she is trying to protect me.. then throws details of my would be dangerous liaisons in my face.

I've worked way too hard to feel good about myself again to continue subjecting myself to this.

And then there is "N"

This guy is hot.. take the sculpture of "David" ahead a few years, more mature.. hella sexy, and very married. Yes I know, and yet as I have said before I never listen to me. My common sense says leave this poor guy alone.. and yet when he calls I cant hang up.. he is charismatic, sexy, funny, sexy, sincere, sexy, somewhat lost and did I mention sexy? I can't be the reason he leaves his wife - yet I know if he crooked his finger I would likely run to him.

I think I have reached a place where my heart is just way too close to the surface.. and I am in need of time to sort this all out and yet I can't step back for fear I'll be lost forever again. Yes I know - moronic.