What next.

I have been dialing in my body hardcore lately, cutting out all the frills and going hard at the gym. Since most of the pictures previously posted here (no I still haven't fixed that) I have added a few inches to my chest and arms, and trimmed another 16 pounds. I am obsessing about goals I have set mentally for myself. Perfectionism. It is something that has plagued me forever, and for myself I wonder if enough will ever be enough. BDD - Huzzah!

A really dear friend and I have been sort of living a parallel love life or the lack thereof. We share several key elements, but one important factor.. giving up heart to asshole men who don't appreciate it. I cut mine loose over the 4th of July - I am getting much better at it.

So last night I am on with my soul mate (Muah) and with a little help full coercion from him - not that I needed a lot mind you, I dropped the top on my new TRULY queer chariot (An immaculate 1994 LeBaron GTC, white/white leather seats HOT I tell you) and I motored my happy ass to GiGi's for the Tranny show. I have never just gone off to a club alone - even back in the day when I clubbed every night it was A.) With a group of friends, and B.)just your run of the mill punk/dance club. There really is a first time for everything.

So I paid the Valet handsomely to park my baby somewhere safe - don't laugh he actually did it! And through the door I went. Stood around and took it all in, wow tranny night is serious!! The sight of a 6 foot tall guy with the shoulders I have died trying to build for the past 3 years, in a slinky sheath, clip clopping his very manly way to the bar to order a Bud Lite.. priceless. Jacqueline Smith would be proud.

So I amble past a line of guys standing at the bar, down the steps, the show had started, not exactly standing room only- a table was not a problem. No sooner had a sat down a guy - 30 ish, kind of cute in a scruffy "I'm half in the bag and you look hot" kinda way, walks up and sticks his hand down my wife beater - "I just HAVE to feel this.. DAMN nice really - good job, ever had your nipples sucked for about half an hour?" Me: "Um no, are you finished?" I leaned back - he said thanks and well - hahaha I was just too stunned to say anything else.

Getting grabbed is one thing - getting examined is a little different. Here I thought I was pretty low key, I had a nice white shortsleve shirt over the beater, apparently not quite enough cover. Flirted with a few of the boys - got ground up on by a few others on the dance floor, then in walks "A".

He was a guy I had seen once almost 2 years ago, and he was too young then.. he is still too young, but still I wound up in a cheesy face sucking grope fest. Yeah I could have exorcised some self control - but that's no fun either. On the up side - I didn't go home with him. Is it a bad thing when the DJ tells you too get a room over the PA? He is still too young.

All in all - my mission was to go out and have fun.. Mission accomplished.

However, for every action there is a reaction, and sometimes it is best to just stick to your guns and not retrace steps you narrowly avoided once. I spent half of today textplaining to "A" why we would not be "Seeing" each other.. and then it hit me. In his little world, I am the unthinking asshole who isn't worth the effort of his 2 dozen text messages today.

I need to start living more thoughtfully. It really never occurred to me that every kiss last night left him thinking tomorrow there should be more. Truth is it also never dawned on me that anyone might think about me that way. It's been too long since I was in circulation - I have forgotten the rules of engagement, or perhaps I just never really knew them to begin with.

So next time.. it really will be just about fun.

Happy Fathers Day!

The events of the past few weeks have made me appreciate more than ever what I have in my kids. For everything that has passed over the course of my life they remain the most precious thing in it. No matter what comes, that will always be.

I always knew it would be tough coming out to them, more from my end and the fear I was taking away the perhaps the only thing in their lives that was stable. Funny how wrong one can get it. My oldest son Shaun breathed a sigh of relief, "Never do that! Man I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying!! It changes nothing - well for Mom maybe haha but she will probably still never let go of you. You are the same guy, my friends have always said they wish their parents were at least a little like you. Nothing has changed."

Ryan was unshaken as well, "Well I guess Lace's cousins can forget trying to get with you hahaha!" He was so unscathed I wondered if Shaun hadn't already tipped him off, he was a rock. Christopher was just as steady, although he was always the sensitive one, he called me later that night almost on the verge of tears, "I can't believe you stayed with her so long, Dad that had to be hard.. I mean even if she was NORMAL. I always respected you, but we all know what she put you through, and I know you did this for us - and well, I just want you to know I respect you more than ever, most guys would have just walked away." We were on the phone for hours, and at the end I have never felt so humble.

I got all choked up and teary telling Tiffany, she kept asking me what was wrong, and when I told her her response just knocked me out. "Aww! Daddy don't cry, your my hot Daddy! I knew! You wear your pants tight as mine, and have more hair product than anyone I know!! I don't care if you walk me down the aisle in a pink tu tu you are my Daddy, I love you and I will always be proud of you."

I can face anything now. The single biggest fear I had has been wiped away. Good Fathers tend to think they must always be this pillar of strength, always there for their kids to run to. That was changed in some ways for the better, and for the first time all the things I hoped I showed them, were reaching out to me.

Who could ever ask for more.

Gay Pride 07' Independence Day part Duex

Today really began as the first day of the rest of my life. For more than two years as chronicled here in this blog, I have lived a life of quiet desperation, fearing more than anything that those I love most would never accept me as I am. I let my X manipulate me, and despite the fact that I knew better in my heart, I kept quiet rather than risk the loss.

Last night, I had plans to go to dinner with friends, then on to a club. Rather than my usual gauntlet of evading my X's calls, when she called to do her usual daily inquest as to my plans - I simply told her I was headed out.. for the first time since the divorce, she did not have the "Your dick is not as important as our child" shtick available to her, a ploy she has used to plunder most any plans I have had for the past 2 years. A silence fell over the receiver, then came the "I knew you would do this".. I said do what? Live? I then told her to have a good night and hung up.

I sat there, and shook for a second.. 2 years she has been effectively dragging me around like a dog with a new bone, for no other reason than that I let her. Through all of the last year I had pretty much just given up all hope of a life beyond her reach, with acception to my plans for San Diego - which had nothing to do with her.

I cancelled my plans, but this time was different. I sat there staring off into space, screwing up my courage. This was the last time I would let her make me feel like shit. It's insidious really, the level of control I gave her. And I am the one who gave it to her. I sat there in the dark, trying to picture what it would be to live this for another minute.

So this morning, I held that thought, I felt that thought - all the way to the gym, and the store for my Mother, then all the way home again. I held it through the shower, and lunch, and when I found myself dialing my little brother, I realised this was really it.

I met him at a restaurant near my old house - but stopped him before he went in. "I have something I need to tell you - and I think I would rather do it out here. We sat down on the bench, and I just felt this flush well up in me, I looked at his eyes, and the tears just came. I looked away and stammered for a second, then he sat down next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder - I looked up at him and said - "Curt - I'm gay." He smiled and squeezed my shoulders and said "Scott, it's about time, I have known our whole lives." We talked for a long time, and I will go into that more later - this was HUGE ya'll, and it went better than I ever thought possible.

It took 6 hours. Six hours to complete freedom for the first time in my life. 6 hours to tell the people who matter to me, my Mother and kids, and I am humbled and embarrassed that I ever doubted them. I'll write more later - I am just too tired from all the crying right now - shuddup yeah it was mostly me lol.

I have never felt so loved.

So Happy Pride Ya'll.. I am full of it for the first time ever, and it is an amazing feeling.