What next.

I have been dialing in my body hardcore lately, cutting out all the frills and going hard at the gym. Since most of the pictures previously posted here (no I still haven't fixed that) I have added a few inches to my chest and arms, and trimmed another 16 pounds. I am obsessing about goals I have set mentally for myself. Perfectionism. It is something that has plagued me forever, and for myself I wonder if enough will ever be enough. BDD - Huzzah!

A really dear friend and I have been sort of living a parallel love life or the lack thereof. We share several key elements, but one important factor.. giving up heart to asshole men who don't appreciate it. I cut mine loose over the 4th of July - I am getting much better at it.

So last night I am on with my soul mate (Muah) and with a little help full coercion from him - not that I needed a lot mind you, I dropped the top on my new TRULY queer chariot (An immaculate 1994 LeBaron GTC, white/white leather seats HOT I tell you) and I motored my happy ass to GiGi's for the Tranny show. I have never just gone off to a club alone - even back in the day when I clubbed every night it was A.) With a group of friends, and B.)just your run of the mill punk/dance club. There really is a first time for everything.

So I paid the Valet handsomely to park my baby somewhere safe - don't laugh he actually did it! And through the door I went. Stood around and took it all in, wow tranny night is serious!! The sight of a 6 foot tall guy with the shoulders I have died trying to build for the past 3 years, in a slinky sheath, clip clopping his very manly way to the bar to order a Bud Lite.. priceless. Jacqueline Smith would be proud.

So I amble past a line of guys standing at the bar, down the steps, the show had started, not exactly standing room only- a table was not a problem. No sooner had a sat down a guy - 30 ish, kind of cute in a scruffy "I'm half in the bag and you look hot" kinda way, walks up and sticks his hand down my wife beater - "I just HAVE to feel this.. DAMN nice really - good job, ever had your nipples sucked for about half an hour?" Me: "Um no, are you finished?" I leaned back - he said thanks and well - hahaha I was just too stunned to say anything else.

Getting grabbed is one thing - getting examined is a little different. Here I thought I was pretty low key, I had a nice white shortsleve shirt over the beater, apparently not quite enough cover. Flirted with a few of the boys - got ground up on by a few others on the dance floor, then in walks "A".

He was a guy I had seen once almost 2 years ago, and he was too young then.. he is still too young, but still I wound up in a cheesy face sucking grope fest. Yeah I could have exorcised some self control - but that's no fun either. On the up side - I didn't go home with him. Is it a bad thing when the DJ tells you too get a room over the PA? He is still too young.

All in all - my mission was to go out and have fun.. Mission accomplished.

However, for every action there is a reaction, and sometimes it is best to just stick to your guns and not retrace steps you narrowly avoided once. I spent half of today textplaining to "A" why we would not be "Seeing" each other.. and then it hit me. In his little world, I am the unthinking asshole who isn't worth the effort of his 2 dozen text messages today.

I need to start living more thoughtfully. It really never occurred to me that every kiss last night left him thinking tomorrow there should be more. Truth is it also never dawned on me that anyone might think about me that way. It's been too long since I was in circulation - I have forgotten the rules of engagement, or perhaps I just never really knew them to begin with.

So next time.. it really will be just about fun.