|

Gay Pride 07' Independence Day part Duex

Today really began as the first day of the rest of my life. For more than two years as chronicled here in this blog, I have lived a life of quiet desperation, fearing more than anything that those I love most would never accept me as I am. I let my X manipulate me, and despite the fact that I knew better in my heart, I kept quiet rather than risk the loss.

Last night, I had plans to go to dinner with friends, then on to a club. Rather than my usual gauntlet of evading my X's calls, when she called to do her usual daily inquest as to my plans - I simply told her I was headed out.. for the first time since the divorce, she did not have the "Your dick is not as important as our child" shtick available to her, a ploy she has used to plunder most any plans I have had for the past 2 years. A silence fell over the receiver, then came the "I knew you would do this".. I said do what? Live? I then told her to have a good night and hung up.

I sat there, and shook for a second.. 2 years she has been effectively dragging me around like a dog with a new bone, for no other reason than that I let her. Through all of the last year I had pretty much just given up all hope of a life beyond her reach, with acception to my plans for San Diego - which had nothing to do with her.

I cancelled my plans, but this time was different. I sat there staring off into space, screwing up my courage. This was the last time I would let her make me feel like shit. It's insidious really, the level of control I gave her. And I am the one who gave it to her. I sat there in the dark, trying to picture what it would be to live this for another minute.

So this morning, I held that thought, I felt that thought - all the way to the gym, and the store for my Mother, then all the way home again. I held it through the shower, and lunch, and when I found myself dialing my little brother, I realised this was really it.

I met him at a restaurant near my old house - but stopped him before he went in. "I have something I need to tell you - and I think I would rather do it out here. We sat down on the bench, and I just felt this flush well up in me, I looked at his eyes, and the tears just came. I looked away and stammered for a second, then he sat down next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder - I looked up at him and said - "Curt - I'm gay." He smiled and squeezed my shoulders and said "Scott, it's about time, I have known our whole lives." We talked for a long time, and I will go into that more later - this was HUGE ya'll, and it went better than I ever thought possible.

It took 6 hours. Six hours to complete freedom for the first time in my life. 6 hours to tell the people who matter to me, my Mother and kids, and I am humbled and embarrassed that I ever doubted them. I'll write more later - I am just too tired from all the crying right now - shuddup yeah it was mostly me lol.

I have never felt so loved.

So Happy Pride Ya'll.. I am full of it for the first time ever, and it is an amazing feeling.