Just like a bandaid..
There are a few mile markers in a child's life.. OK thousands, some happy some sad, many that evoke memories of your own life, and still more that just stand alone. My baby girl, otherwise known as the center of my universe, moved out yesterday. Much like her Daddy, she had been carefully plotting this for months, keeping her plan to escape the bounds of childhood a secret. Then she sprung it on me one day last month..
I of course said all the natural Dad things. "No, you are not an adult until I say so." and "You have never even paid for your own manicure, how the hell will you pay rent?" and "How will you be able to work and go on to school." Like her Dad she had all the answers.. *sigh*.
For days I was secretly freaking out inside, this world is a dangerous place - she is the person I have sworn to protect for life - how will I ever keep her safe from 10 miles away?! What if her neighbors are freaks?! What if she gets lonesome?! Who will bring her S'more Pop Tarts when she is binge eating her "visitor" away?? What will I do when I need a hug? Who will I watch scary movies with?! She is SO taking that damned cat! I of course relented that most of those worries are contained by the fact I raised a fierce, smart, savvy, independent young woman, who knows that I will never be but a phone call away. Yes, that makes it all better.
At the same time I looked at the fearlessness of youth, and the plans I had at her age. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move somewhere warm, this state is among the most beautiful places in the world for the 3 brief months of summer. The rest of the time - shades of grey, and just plain dismal. My plan was always to find that place where the weather was near perfect year round, and get there through whatever means necessary. I was like her once.
So.. while she was tidying up her list of things to do I jumped on the net and started looking, bouncing back and forth between Texas, Arizona and California. Well there really only is one place. San Diego. I did a little more searching, spoke to a few dealers, and some time over the next few weeks I will be on a plane to check it out.
Tif hates it here too - and really wants to come with me - but wants to try this living on her own thing first. I think she will be fine, and this move has been a lifetime in the making. More on all that later.
Back to baby girl.. Yesterday was the big day, and much like tearing off a band aid - we made the move at break neck speed, not stopping to reminisce over every little artifact.. well that's how it looked on the surface. Beneath, I relived every second, from the first time I held her to her first day of school, her first time on roller skates, cuddled up watching movies - this one was attached to me from the moment she arrived. We have shared some of the biggest heartaches and greatest triumphs life can put on your plate, always together. In my heart I know that no matter the distance, this will never change.
This is what it is all about, This is the natural progression.. I keep telling myself this, but the truth is it smarts like hell, and I am scared to death.. just like her. Much like the first time she went away to my Fathers while the divorce was raging on, we both put up this front of bravery face to face, and saved the tears for when the other wasn't looking. She offered to come over today and help me move my office into her old room - she desperately wants me to be OK with this, and no matter how I feel I will convince her I am. It's what Dads do. I am so proud of her.
My X is beside herself.. blowing up my phone all afternoon and well into the night. She is furious that Tif didn't ask her to help, truth is my X would only have rained a shitstorm of negativity over everything and my daughter didn't want it. As for the X, she is also freaking out because she knows this will end a lot of reason for her and I to talk. It's all out of her control and that is what really makes her crazy.. life is moving on and I think she suspects what is coming next.
So - after leaving my baby with her mounds of stuff to sort and put away. I went home to my apartment.. this is the first time in my life I will ever actually live alone, - like my daughter I am excited and scared, hopeful and somber. I opened the door to my place.. and cut a straight line to sit on the floor in her empty room and blubber like the big baby that I am. I earned this I thought... and if a fathers intuition is accurate, on the other end of town she was doing the same. God I love her.
I picked myself up, took a really long hot shower, kicked up my hair, slipped into something tight, and in a blaze of Dolce & Gabbana threw caution to the wind as I ran off to meet a guy I have been talking with and keeping at a distance for quite a while now.
WAY hot. - That's a post for another time.
