Tic Tock..

So, in my big busy life I seem to have neglected this pretty horribly.  Time to decide the fate of these pages, tear them down and toss them away or keep them as a reminder of what I have survived, add to them.  Not sure I have the chops. It should be like riding a bike no?

It's time to put my story in some cohesive form.. much like my life it's become scattered and disheveled.

I've missed my blogging friends, seems they have all scattered to the wind. I think about them often especially lately. Knowing the things that have happened around me over the past years I wonder how time has treated them.  Much like many periods in life you can't just go back and pick up where you left off, it doesn't work that way.

So I have decided to decide what the fate of this blog will be, and do it by the end of the month.

Shhhh

Something new coming.

What next.

I have been dialing in my body hardcore lately, cutting out all the frills and going hard at the gym. Since most of the pictures previously posted here (no I still haven't fixed that) I have added a few inches to my chest and arms, and trimmed another 16 pounds. I am obsessing about goals I have set mentally for myself. Perfectionism. It is something that has plagued me forever, and for myself I wonder if enough will ever be enough. BDD - Huzzah!

A really dear friend and I have been sort of living a parallel love life or the lack thereof. We share several key elements, but one important factor.. giving up heart to asshole men who don't appreciate it. I cut mine loose over the 4th of July - I am getting much better at it.

So last night I am on with my soul mate (Muah) and with a little help full coercion from him - not that I needed a lot mind you, I dropped the top on my new TRULY queer chariot (An immaculate 1994 LeBaron GTC, white/white leather seats HOT I tell you) and I motored my happy ass to GiGi's for the Tranny show. I have never just gone off to a club alone - even back in the day when I clubbed every night it was A.) With a group of friends, and B.)just your run of the mill punk/dance club. There really is a first time for everything.

So I paid the Valet handsomely to park my baby somewhere safe - don't laugh he actually did it! And through the door I went. Stood around and took it all in, wow tranny night is serious!! The sight of a 6 foot tall guy with the shoulders I have died trying to build for the past 3 years, in a slinky sheath, clip clopping his very manly way to the bar to order a Bud Lite.. priceless. Jacqueline Smith would be proud.

So I amble past a line of guys standing at the bar, down the steps, the show had started, not exactly standing room only- a table was not a problem. No sooner had a sat down a guy - 30 ish, kind of cute in a scruffy "I'm half in the bag and you look hot" kinda way, walks up and sticks his hand down my wife beater - "I just HAVE to feel this.. DAMN nice really - good job, ever had your nipples sucked for about half an hour?" Me: "Um no, are you finished?" I leaned back - he said thanks and well - hahaha I was just too stunned to say anything else.

Getting grabbed is one thing - getting examined is a little different. Here I thought I was pretty low key, I had a nice white shortsleve shirt over the beater, apparently not quite enough cover. Flirted with a few of the boys - got ground up on by a few others on the dance floor, then in walks "A".

He was a guy I had seen once almost 2 years ago, and he was too young then.. he is still too young, but still I wound up in a cheesy face sucking grope fest. Yeah I could have exorcised some self control - but that's no fun either. On the up side - I didn't go home with him. Is it a bad thing when the DJ tells you too get a room over the PA? He is still too young.

All in all - my mission was to go out and have fun.. Mission accomplished.

However, for every action there is a reaction, and sometimes it is best to just stick to your guns and not retrace steps you narrowly avoided once. I spent half of today textplaining to "A" why we would not be "Seeing" each other.. and then it hit me. In his little world, I am the unthinking asshole who isn't worth the effort of his 2 dozen text messages today.

I need to start living more thoughtfully. It really never occurred to me that every kiss last night left him thinking tomorrow there should be more. Truth is it also never dawned on me that anyone might think about me that way. It's been too long since I was in circulation - I have forgotten the rules of engagement, or perhaps I just never really knew them to begin with.

So next time.. it really will be just about fun.

Happy Fathers Day!

The events of the past few weeks have made me appreciate more than ever what I have in my kids. For everything that has passed over the course of my life they remain the most precious thing in it. No matter what comes, that will always be.

I always knew it would be tough coming out to them, more from my end and the fear I was taking away the perhaps the only thing in their lives that was stable. Funny how wrong one can get it. My oldest son Shaun breathed a sigh of relief, "Never do that! Man I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying!! It changes nothing - well for Mom maybe haha but she will probably still never let go of you. You are the same guy, my friends have always said they wish their parents were at least a little like you. Nothing has changed."

Ryan was unshaken as well, "Well I guess Lace's cousins can forget trying to get with you hahaha!" He was so unscathed I wondered if Shaun hadn't already tipped him off, he was a rock. Christopher was just as steady, although he was always the sensitive one, he called me later that night almost on the verge of tears, "I can't believe you stayed with her so long, Dad that had to be hard.. I mean even if she was NORMAL. I always respected you, but we all know what she put you through, and I know you did this for us - and well, I just want you to know I respect you more than ever, most guys would have just walked away." We were on the phone for hours, and at the end I have never felt so humble.

I got all choked up and teary telling Tiffany, she kept asking me what was wrong, and when I told her her response just knocked me out. "Aww! Daddy don't cry, your my hot Daddy! I knew! You wear your pants tight as mine, and have more hair product than anyone I know!! I don't care if you walk me down the aisle in a pink tu tu you are my Daddy, I love you and I will always be proud of you."

I can face anything now. The single biggest fear I had has been wiped away. Good Fathers tend to think they must always be this pillar of strength, always there for their kids to run to. That was changed in some ways for the better, and for the first time all the things I hoped I showed them, were reaching out to me.

Who could ever ask for more.

Gay Pride 07' Independence Day part Duex

Today really began as the first day of the rest of my life. For more than two years as chronicled here in this blog, I have lived a life of quiet desperation, fearing more than anything that those I love most would never accept me as I am. I let my X manipulate me, and despite the fact that I knew better in my heart, I kept quiet rather than risk the loss.

Last night, I had plans to go to dinner with friends, then on to a club. Rather than my usual gauntlet of evading my X's calls, when she called to do her usual daily inquest as to my plans - I simply told her I was headed out.. for the first time since the divorce, she did not have the "Your dick is not as important as our child" shtick available to her, a ploy she has used to plunder most any plans I have had for the past 2 years. A silence fell over the receiver, then came the "I knew you would do this".. I said do what? Live? I then told her to have a good night and hung up.

I sat there, and shook for a second.. 2 years she has been effectively dragging me around like a dog with a new bone, for no other reason than that I let her. Through all of the last year I had pretty much just given up all hope of a life beyond her reach, with acception to my plans for San Diego - which had nothing to do with her.

I cancelled my plans, but this time was different. I sat there staring off into space, screwing up my courage. This was the last time I would let her make me feel like shit. It's insidious really, the level of control I gave her. And I am the one who gave it to her. I sat there in the dark, trying to picture what it would be to live this for another minute.

So this morning, I held that thought, I felt that thought - all the way to the gym, and the store for my Mother, then all the way home again. I held it through the shower, and lunch, and when I found myself dialing my little brother, I realised this was really it.

I met him at a restaurant near my old house - but stopped him before he went in. "I have something I need to tell you - and I think I would rather do it out here. We sat down on the bench, and I just felt this flush well up in me, I looked at his eyes, and the tears just came. I looked away and stammered for a second, then he sat down next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder - I looked up at him and said - "Curt - I'm gay." He smiled and squeezed my shoulders and said "Scott, it's about time, I have known our whole lives." We talked for a long time, and I will go into that more later - this was HUGE ya'll, and it went better than I ever thought possible.

It took 6 hours. Six hours to complete freedom for the first time in my life. 6 hours to tell the people who matter to me, my Mother and kids, and I am humbled and embarrassed that I ever doubted them. I'll write more later - I am just too tired from all the crying right now - shuddup yeah it was mostly me lol.

I have never felt so loved.

So Happy Pride Ya'll.. I am full of it for the first time ever, and it is an amazing feeling.

Just like a bandaid..

Just like a bandaid..
There are a few mile markers in a child's life.. OK thousands, some happy some sad, many that evoke memories of your own life, and still more that just stand alone. My baby girl, otherwise known as the center of my universe, moved out yesterday. Much like her Daddy, she had been carefully plotting this for months, keeping her plan to escape the bounds of childhood a secret. Then she sprung it on me one day last month..

I of course said all the natural Dad things. "No, you are not an adult until I say so." and "You have never even paid for your own manicure, how the hell will you pay rent?" and "How will you be able to work and go on to school." Like her Dad she had all the answers.. *sigh*.

For days I was secretly freaking out inside, this world is a dangerous place - she is the person I have sworn to protect for life - how will I ever keep her safe from 10 miles away?! What if her neighbors are freaks?! What if she gets lonesome?! Who will bring her S'more Pop Tarts when she is binge eating her "visitor" away?? What will I do when I need a hug? Who will I watch scary movies with?! She is SO taking that damned cat! I of course relented that most of those worries are contained by the fact I raised a fierce, smart, savvy, independent young woman, who knows that I will never be but a phone call away. Yes, that makes it all better.

At the same time I looked at the fearlessness of youth, and the plans I had at her age. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move somewhere warm, this state is among the most beautiful places in the world for the 3 brief months of summer. The rest of the time - shades of grey, and just plain dismal. My plan was always to find that place where the weather was near perfect year round, and get there through whatever means necessary. I was like her once.

So.. while she was tidying up her list of things to do I jumped on the net and started looking, bouncing back and forth between Texas, Arizona and California. Well there really only is one place. San Diego. I did a little more searching, spoke to a few dealers, and some time over the next few weeks I will be on a plane to check it out.

Tif hates it here too - and really wants to come with me - but wants to try this living on her own thing first. I think she will be fine, and this move has been a lifetime in the making. More on all that later.

Back to baby girl.. Yesterday was the big day, and much like tearing off a band aid - we made the move at break neck speed, not stopping to reminisce over every little artifact.. well that's how it looked on the surface. Beneath, I relived every second, from the first time I held her to her first day of school, her first time on roller skates, cuddled up watching movies - this one was attached to me from the moment she arrived. We have shared some of the biggest heartaches and greatest triumphs life can put on your plate, always together. In my heart I know that no matter the distance, this will never change.

This is what it is all about, This is the natural progression.. I keep telling myself this, but the truth is it smarts like hell, and I am scared to death.. just like her. Much like the first time she went away to my Fathers while the divorce was raging on, we both put up this front of bravery face to face, and saved the tears for when the other wasn't looking. She offered to come over today and help me move my office into her old room - she desperately wants me to be OK with this, and no matter how I feel I will convince her I am. It's what Dads do. I am so proud of her.

My X is beside herself.. blowing up my phone all afternoon and well into the night. She is furious that Tif didn't ask her to help, truth is my X would only have rained a shitstorm of negativity over everything and my daughter didn't want it. As for the X, she is also freaking out because she knows this will end a lot of reason for her and I to talk. It's all out of her control and that is what really makes her crazy.. life is moving on and I think she suspects what is coming next.

So - after leaving my baby with her mounds of stuff to sort and put away. I went home to my apartment.. this is the first time in my life I will ever actually live alone, - like my daughter I am excited and scared, hopeful and somber. I opened the door to my place.. and cut a straight line to sit on the floor in her empty room and blubber like the big baby that I am. I earned this I thought... and if a fathers intuition is accurate, on the other end of town she was doing the same. God I love her.

I picked myself up, took a really long hot shower, kicked up my hair, slipped into something tight, and in a blaze of Dolce & Gabbana threw caution to the wind as I ran off to meet a guy I have been talking with and keeping at a distance for quite a while now.

WAY hot. - That's a post for another time.

These small hours..

This past 14 months has flown.. and yet so much of the time went so slowly. I learned just how much of my so called life was centered around this thing called the Internet.. friends, lovers this blog, all gone with the flash of the internal error message. I learned it sucks being broke, and out of necessity I learned that when my back is against the wall I do what I have to.

This blog - what to most casual observers would probably seem frivolous.. this is where I turned with the proceeds of my life, good bad or indifferent. It was where I let it all out. Without it - I was lost at first. I had come to depend so much on my friends here in this virtual world, I missed you guys like you can't imagine. I have been trying to put this together.. the events of this past year, this may take a while.

That job.. lets see - when we left off things were just getting off the ground, - I did well, worked hard and eventually I actually even broke a sales record that hadn't been touched since 1985.. that was cool. I pretty much put my personal life on hold.. all gym and work, life was solitary, and so lonely I thought I would go utterly mad at times. Maybe I needed that, maybe it was just an easy place to hide. Lets face it I hadn't been lucky in love anyway, and my conquests while memorable were not paying my bills. Success or failure rested solely in me, and I was determined not to fail.

Success breads jealousy and contempt. That always sounded overly dramatic to me.. then I experienced it first hand. During the weekly Monday meetings my numbers were flown in the face of a lot of guys who had decades of experience, that had to be hard for them I am sure, but the stuff that got pulled on me was a tad over the top - to include being outed at work. None of which mattered in the end. I got where I got on my own, and when I interviewed and landed another position it was sort of cool to have the owner tell me I wasn't leaving and match the offer I was given.. even cooler when he exceeded it. More about all that later.


On the heals of this, in May of last year my Father returned from his winter away. Something was markedly different. The wall of ice that had existed between us was gone. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had accidentally bumped into him running an errand for my Mother - I had no idea he was back.. the man actually hugged me for the first time since I was.. gah I don't even remember. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - carefully watching for signs he had been drinking, I was floored. He actually gushed about having heard about my conquests at work via "friends" I left there that day utterly stupefied, but in a good way. He called the following Monday to invite myself and the kids to dinner for Mothers Day, still somewhat stunned from the last encounter I of course said yes. (If you skip back a few posts you'll understand why all this was so left field.)

At work, I was at the end of a month that was nothing less than stellar. My love life was a zero, but for the first time in a long time that didn't matter. My kids were on course, my ex and I had finally rounded the bend to an understanding, I was in a very good place. The dinner was remarkable. One of those storybook events, for that afternoon - all the tribulations of the past had evaporated leaving only a group of people who really just enjoyed each others company. I left there that day feeling that while everything wasn't what I wanted it to be, I was content.


That following week I got a call from my youngest brother. I was in the middle of a closing and let my voicemail pick it up. The message was as follows: "There has been a serious loss, you need to come to Mom and Dad's now." I called immediately, he said he didn't want to go into it on the phone, but that I needed to get there now. All kinds of things rushed through my head. Immediately I thought it was my younger brother, I was convinced it had to be him. He had been drinking heavily since my oldest brother died and last time I saw him he was a mess... then I thought perhaps my mother, her health has been pretty bad. Well you get the picture, 20 minutes of worse case scenario's on the drive, and none of them correct.


When I hit the door at my Mother's My brother greeted me at the door, I didn't even hear the door shut when he just blurted it out. "Dad passed away last night." He had left on a trip the day before, and passed away after having stopped with his Motorhome somewhere in Indiana. They found the Motorhome door ajar, keys in the ignition, and he was slumped on the floor between the seats. The tears just swept over me.. I had carried all these things with me for so long, only to have him defuse me when I had finally accepted that he would never accept me, and all these things, all this emotion, and anger and hurt just flooded out. Then as I was leaving, I got this strange calm. It struck me that for the first time ever, wherever he was, he knew what was in my heart. All the things I could never say - he knew it all. The calm I felt was almost other worldly.

We truly were ok for the first time in memory.

It will be a year on the 23rd. I think about him all the time, and pray that what I felt that day was real, and he really does know what is in my heart.. it's all just love now.