Wicked Man

Shhhh

2010-05-01T23:46:00.000-04:00

Something new coming.

2007-06-19T06:06:00.000-04:00

What next.

I have been dialing in my body hardcore lately, cutting out all the frills and going hard at the gym. Since most of the pictures previously posted here (no I still haven't fixed that) I have added a few inches to my chest and arms, and trimmed another 16 pounds. I am obsessing about goals I have set mentally for myself. Perfectionism. It is something that has plagued me forever, and for myself I wonder if enough will ever be enough. BDD - Huzzah!

A really dear friend and I have been sort of living a parallel love life or the lack thereof. We share several key elements, but one important factor.. giving up heart to asshole men who don't appreciate it. I cut mine loose over the 4th of July - I am getting much better at it.

So last night I am on with my soul mate (Muah) and with a little help full coercion from him - not that I needed a lot mind you, I dropped the top on my new TRULY queer chariot (An immaculate 1994 LeBaron GTC, white/white leather seats HOT I tell you) and I motored my happy ass to GiGi's for the Tranny show. I have never just gone off to a club alone - even back in the day when I clubbed every night it was A.) With a group of friends, and B.)just your run of the mill punk/dance club. There really is a first time for everything.

So I paid the Valet handsomely to park my baby somewhere safe - don't laugh he actually did it! And through the door I went. Stood around and took it all in, wow tranny night is serious!! The sight of a 6 foot tall guy with the shoulders I have died trying to build for the past 3 years, in a slinky sheath, clip clopping his very manly way to the bar to order a Bud Lite.. priceless. Jacqueline Smith would be proud.

So I amble past a line of guys standing at the bar, down the steps, the show had started, not exactly standing room only- a table was not a problem. No sooner had a sat down a guy - 30 ish, kind of cute in a scruffy "I'm half in the bag and you look hot" kinda way, walks up and sticks his hand down my wife beater - "I just HAVE to feel this.. DAMN nice really - good job, ever had your nipples sucked for about half an hour?" Me: "Um no, are you finished?" I leaned back - he said thanks and well - hahaha I was just too stunned to say anything else.

Getting grabbed is one thing - getting examined is a little different. Here I thought I was pretty low key, I had a nice white shortsleve shirt over the beater, apparently not quite enough cover. Flirted with a few of the boys - got ground up on by a few others on the dance floor, then in walks "A".

He was a guy I had seen once almost 2 years ago, and he was too young then.. he is still too young, but still I wound up in a cheesy face sucking grope fest. Yeah I could have exorcised some self control - but that's no fun either. On the up side - I didn't go home with him. Is it a bad thing when the DJ tells you too get a room over the PA? He is still too young.

All in all - my mission was to go out and have fun.. Mission accomplished.

However, for every action there is a reaction, and sometimes it is best to just stick to your guns and not retrace steps you narrowly avoided once. I spent half of today textplaining to "A" why we would not be "Seeing" each other.. and then it hit me. In his little world, I am the unthinking asshole who isn't worth the effort of his 2 dozen text messages today.

I need to start living more thoughtfully. It really never occurred to me that every kiss last night left him thinking tomorrow there should be more. Truth is it also never dawned on me that anyone might think about me that way. It's been too long since I was in circulation - I have forgotten the rules of engagement, or perhaps I just never really knew them to begin with.

So next time.. it really will be just about fun.

2007-06-17T06:24:00.000-04:00

Happy Fathers Day!

The events of the past few weeks have made me appreciate more than ever what I have in my kids. For everything that has passed over the course of my life they remain the most precious thing in it. No matter what comes, that will always be.

I always knew it would be tough coming out to them, more from my end and the fear I was taking away the perhaps the only thing in their lives that was stable. Funny how wrong one can get it. My oldest son Shaun breathed a sigh of relief, "Never do that! Man I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying!! It changes nothing - well for Mom maybe haha but she will probably still never let go of you. You are the same guy, my friends have always said they wish their parents were at least a little like you. Nothing has changed."

Ryan was unshaken as well, "Well I guess Lace's cousins can forget trying to get with you hahaha!" He was so unscathed I wondered if Shaun hadn't already tipped him off, he was a rock. Christopher was just as steady, although he was always the sensitive one, he called me later that night almost on the verge of tears, "I can't believe you stayed with her so long, Dad that had to be hard.. I mean even if she was NORMAL. I always respected you, but we all know what she put you through, and I know you did this for us - and well, I just want you to know I respect you more than ever, most guys would have just walked away." We were on the phone for hours, and at the end I have never felt so humble.

I got all choked up and teary telling Tiffany, she kept asking me what was wrong, and when I told her her response just knocked me out. "Aww! Daddy don't cry, your my hot Daddy! I knew! You wear your pants tight as mine, and have more hair product than anyone I know!! I don't care if you walk me down the aisle in a pink tu tu you are my Daddy, I love you and I will always be proud of you."

I can face anything now. The single biggest fear I had has been wiped away. Good Fathers tend to think they must always be this pillar of strength, always there for their kids to run to. That was changed in some ways for the better, and for the first time all the things I hoped I showed them, were reaching out to me.

Who could ever ask for more.

2007-06-03T22:56:00.000-04:00

Gay Pride 07' Independence Day part Duex

Today really began as the first day of the rest of my life. For more than two years as chronicled here in this blog, I have lived a life of quiet desperation, fearing more than anything that those I love most would never accept me as I am. I let my X manipulate me, and despite the fact that I knew better in my heart, I kept quiet rather than risk the loss.

Last night, I had plans to go to dinner with friends, then on to a club. Rather than my usual gauntlet of evading my X's calls, when she called to do her usual daily inquest as to my plans - I simply told her I was headed out.. for the first time since the divorce, she did not have the "Your dick is not as important as our child" shtick available to her, a ploy she has used to plunder most any plans I have had for the past 2 years. A silence fell over the receiver, then came the "I knew you would do this".. I said do what? Live? I then told her to have a good night and hung up.

I sat there, and shook for a second.. 2 years she has been effectively dragging me around like a dog with a new bone, for no other reason than that I let her. Through all of the last year I had pretty much just given up all hope of a life beyond her reach, with acception to my plans for San Diego - which had nothing to do with her.

I cancelled my plans, but this time was different. I sat there staring off into space, screwing up my courage. This was the last time I would let her make me feel like shit. It's insidious really, the level of control I gave her. And I am the one who gave it to her. I sat there in the dark, trying to picture what it would be to live this for another minute.

So this morning, I held that thought, I felt that thought - all the way to the gym, and the store for my Mother, then all the way home again. I held it through the shower, and lunch, and when I found myself dialing my little brother, I realised this was really it.

I met him at a restaurant near my old house - but stopped him before he went in. "I have something I need to tell you - and I think I would rather do it out here. We sat down on the bench, and I just felt this flush well up in me, I looked at his eyes, and the tears just came. I looked away and stammered for a second, then he sat down next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder - I looked up at him and said - "Curt - I'm gay." He smiled and squeezed my shoulders and said "Scott, it's about time, I have known our whole lives." We talked for a long time, and I will go into that more later - this was HUGE ya'll, and it went better than I ever thought possible.

It took 6 hours. Six hours to complete freedom for the first time in my life. 6 hours to tell the people who matter to me, my Mother and kids, and I am humbled and embarrassed that I ever doubted them. I'll write more later - I am just too tired from all the crying right now - shuddup yeah it was mostly me lol.

I have never felt so loved.

So Happy Pride Ya'll.. I am full of it for the first time ever, and it is an amazing feeling.

Just like a bandaid..

2007-05-27T08:19:00.000-04:00

Just like a bandaid..
There are a few mile markers in a child's life.. OK thousands, some happy some sad, many that evoke memories of your own life, and still more that just stand alone. My baby girl, otherwise known as the center of my universe, moved out yesterday. Much like her Daddy, she had been carefully plotting this for months, keeping her plan to escape the bounds of childhood a secret. Then she sprung it on me one day last month..

I of course said all the natural Dad things. "No, you are not an adult until I say so." and "You have never even paid for your own manicure, how the hell will you pay rent?" and "How will you be able to work and go on to school." Like her Dad she had all the answers.. *sigh*.

For days I was secretly freaking out inside, this world is a dangerous place - she is the person I have sworn to protect for life - how will I ever keep her safe from 10 miles away?! What if her neighbors are freaks?! What if she gets lonesome?! Who will bring her S'more Pop Tarts when she is binge eating her "visitor" away?? What will I do when I need a hug? Who will I watch scary movies with?! She is SO taking that damned cat! I of course relented that most of those worries are contained by the fact I raised a fierce, smart, savvy, independent young woman, who knows that I will never be but a phone call away. Yes, that makes it all better.

At the same time I looked at the fearlessness of youth, and the plans I had at her age. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to move somewhere warm, this state is among the most beautiful places in the world for the 3 brief months of summer. The rest of the time - shades of grey, and just plain dismal. My plan was always to find that place where the weather was near perfect year round, and get there through whatever means necessary. I was like her once.

So.. while she was tidying up her list of things to do I jumped on the net and started looking, bouncing back and forth between Texas, Arizona and California. Well there really only is one place. San Diego. I did a little more searching, spoke to a few dealers, and some time over the next few weeks I will be on a plane to check it out.

Tif hates it here too - and really wants to come with me - but wants to try this living on her own thing first. I think she will be fine, and this move has been a lifetime in the making. More on all that later.

Back to baby girl.. Yesterday was the big day, and much like tearing off a band aid - we made the move at break neck speed, not stopping to reminisce over every little artifact.. well that's how it looked on the surface. Beneath, I relived every second, from the first time I held her to her first day of school, her first time on roller skates, cuddled up watching movies - this one was attached to me from the moment she arrived. We have shared some of the biggest heartaches and greatest triumphs life can put on your plate, always together. In my heart I know that no matter the distance, this will never change.

This is what it is all about, This is the natural progression.. I keep telling myself this, but the truth is it smarts like hell, and I am scared to death.. just like her. Much like the first time she went away to my Fathers while the divorce was raging on, we both put up this front of bravery face to face, and saved the tears for when the other wasn't looking. She offered to come over today and help me move my office into her old room - she desperately wants me to be OK with this, and no matter how I feel I will convince her I am. It's what Dads do. I am so proud of her.

My X is beside herself.. blowing up my phone all afternoon and well into the night. She is furious that Tif didn't ask her to help, truth is my X would only have rained a shitstorm of negativity over everything and my daughter didn't want it. As for the X, she is also freaking out because she knows this will end a lot of reason for her and I to talk. It's all out of her control and that is what really makes her crazy.. life is moving on and I think she suspects what is coming next.

So - after leaving my baby with her mounds of stuff to sort and put away. I went home to my apartment.. this is the first time in my life I will ever actually live alone, - like my daughter I am excited and scared, hopeful and somber. I opened the door to my place.. and cut a straight line to sit on the floor in her empty room and blubber like the big baby that I am. I earned this I thought... and if a fathers intuition is accurate, on the other end of town she was doing the same. God I love her.

I picked myself up, took a really long hot shower, kicked up my hair, slipped into something tight, and in a blaze of Dolce & Gabbana threw caution to the wind as I ran off to meet a guy I have been talking with and keeping at a distance for quite a while now.

WAY hot. - That's a post for another time.

These small hours..

2007-05-13T23:17:00.000-04:00

This past 14 months has flown.. and yet so much of the time went so slowly. I learned just how much of my so called life was centered around this thing called the Internet.. friends, lovers this blog, all gone with the flash of the internal error message. I learned it sucks being broke, and out of necessity I learned that when my back is against the wall I do what I have to.

This blog - what to most casual observers would probably seem frivolous.. this is where I turned with the proceeds of my life, good bad or indifferent. It was where I let it all out. Without it - I was lost at first. I had come to depend so much on my friends here in this virtual world, I missed you guys like you can't imagine. I have been trying to put this together.. the events of this past year, this may take a while.

That job.. lets see - when we left off things were just getting off the ground, - I did well, worked hard and eventually I actually even broke a sales record that hadn't been touched since 1985.. that was cool. I pretty much put my personal life on hold.. all gym and work, life was solitary, and so lonely I thought I would go utterly mad at times. Maybe I needed that, maybe it was just an easy place to hide. Lets face it I hadn't been lucky in love anyway, and my conquests while memorable were not paying my bills. Success or failure rested solely in me, and I was determined not to fail.

Success breads jealousy and contempt. That always sounded overly dramatic to me.. then I experienced it first hand. During the weekly Monday meetings my numbers were flown in the face of a lot of guys who had decades of experience, that had to be hard for them I am sure, but the stuff that got pulled on me was a tad over the top - to include being outed at work. None of which mattered in the end. I got where I got on my own, and when I interviewed and landed another position it was sort of cool to have the owner tell me I wasn't leaving and match the offer I was given.. even cooler when he exceeded it. More about all that later.

On the heals of this, in May of last year my Father returned from his winter away. Something was markedly different. The wall of ice that had existed between us was gone. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had accidentally bumped into him running an errand for my Mother - I had no idea he was back.. the man actually hugged me for the first time since I was.. gah I don't even remember. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - carefully watching for signs he had been drinking, I was floored. He actually gushed about having heard about my conquests at work via "friends" I left there that day utterly stupefied, but in a good way. He called the following Monday to invite myself and the kids to dinner for Mothers Day, still somewhat stunned from the last encounter I of course said yes. (If you skip back a few posts you'll understand why all this was so left field.)

At work, I was at the end of a month that was nothing less than stellar. My love life was a zero, but for the first time in a long time that didn't matter. My kids were on course, my ex and I had finally rounded the bend to an understanding, I was in a very good place. The dinner was remarkable. One of those storybook events, for that afternoon - all the tribulations of the past had evaporated leaving only a group of people who really just enjoyed each others company. I left there that day feeling that while everything wasn't what I wanted it to be, I was content.

That following week I got a call from my youngest brother. I was in the middle of a closing and let my voicemail pick it up. The message was as follows: "There has been a serious loss, you need to come to Mom and Dad's now." I called immediately, he said he didn't want to go into it on the phone, but that I needed to get there now. All kinds of things rushed through my head. Immediately I thought it was my younger brother, I was convinced it had to be him. He had been drinking heavily since my oldest brother died and last time I saw him he was a mess... then I thought perhaps my mother, her health has been pretty bad. Well you get the picture, 20 minutes of worse case scenario's on the drive, and none of them correct.

When I hit the door at my Mother's My brother greeted me at the door, I didn't even hear the door shut when he just blurted it out. "Dad passed away last night." He had left on a trip the day before, and passed away after having stopped with his Motorhome somewhere in Indiana. They found the Motorhome door ajar, keys in the ignition, and he was slumped on the floor between the seats. The tears just swept over me.. I had carried all these things with me for so long, only to have him defuse me when I had finally accepted that he would never accept me, and all these things, all this emotion, and anger and hurt just flooded out. Then as I was leaving, I got this strange calm. It struck me that for the first time ever, wherever he was, he knew what was in my heart. All the things I could never say - he knew it all. The calm I felt was almost other worldly.

We truly were ok for the first time in memory.

It will be a year on the 23rd. I think about him all the time, and pray that what I felt that day was real, and he really does know what is in my heart.. it's all just love now.

I'm BACK!!

2007-05-06T23:53:00.000-04:00

HAHAHAHA OMFG!
Well DANG that was SCARY!! After all this time away I had to sit here probing the innermost recesses of my terribly befuddled mind to TRY and remember what the bloody hell my screename and password were!! I am exhausted. Here I was all ready to regail ya'll with this adventure I have had over the past - gah, how long has it been?! OMG I have so much to write!

STAY TUNED...

I'll try and fix the pictures tomorrow.. damn, this got all run down while I was away!

2006-01-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

How do I love thee?

.20 per minute to be exact.. I am coming to ya'll from kinkos. I can't believe how funny my money got- and so FAST! SHIT! Being broke sucketh to the endth degree. I have a raft of emails to answer but I had a choice drop e few lines here or read.

I have missed you something fierce! ALL of you! Well lets see, many interesting things have unfolded, I am working the North American Auto Show this weekend.. yay. The guy I am working it with is really cool and funny and no not gay - but hey we cant all be perfect. He tells me we are not leaving this show without getting laid ..... HAHAHAHAHAH!! OMFG!

Ughem. Well THAT should be interesting!! I have been fending off the advances of the single women folk at the dealership which has already caused some seriously hilariously uncomfortable moments. I went from working for one rich redneck to an army of them.. the shit I get myself into.

I have been living like a bloody monk, which has me seriously horned up. I have been shifting funds around trying to keep the man from throwing us to the curb, and I am barely staying one step ahead so no telling when I will have a new computer.

My X has been in her glory which seriously just makes me all the more determined to prevail. What kills me is the isolation. No matter how lonely I got before - with all of you around I was never really alone.

My life has become almost mechanical - I work and go to the gym, fight the crazy lady in between. At one point I actually relented and went to my father.. I will hate myself for the rest of time for that. I think his exact words were something to the effect "I don't care what size refridgerater box you have to live in" Prick. When the old bastard kicks it I am going to take the money out of the bank in singles and burn it in the street.

I knew it would be this way. It always amazes me that I continue to be surprised. I can say this has been eye opening.. I never in my life had to deal like this and while I spend half the time scared to death at the same time I am exhilarated. But that doesn't mean I plan to get used to it.

My skills as a hooker are starting to pay off.. NO not a real hooker, although don't think that hasn't crossed my mind, lets just say my flirtatious nature has found an outlet in getting people to spend ridiculous money on cars they can't afford. Not a far throw from my old job.. just a tad less messy.

I've got a Hugh Grant lookalike at the gym who is doing everything but proposition me.. as much as I could have jumped on that at one time it is different for me right now and I can't tell you why.

Well I could but then there would be no cliffhanger for my next post....

2005-12-09T23:15:00.000-05:00

When it rains...

I'm afraid I'll be on temporary hiatus for a while ya'll - seems my beloved piece of a computer has finally surfed it's last sight. My budget won't allow for a new anything right now, and I am not sure when it will. Somehow blogging from Kinko's is a bit weird.. yeah I know, lol - coming from me that's a stretch.

So what I really came here to say is that I hope you all have the greatest of Holidays, surrounded with the ones you love, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa... did I miss anything?

I am so going to be crawling the walls.. and I am going to miss you more than you know.

Wish you could feel my love..

XOXOXOXO
Scott

2005-12-03T17:30:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

GC Spotlight Magazine Lee Andrew brings us the news international style, the hot photography doesn't hurt either!!

Humble thanks to THIS hottie for an unexpected recogonition!

Winter falls

My love life has ground to a temporary halt as of late, winter is such a drag here in the Motor City. I must be ill or something, hot young men emailing me pictures of their asses and other choice parts, imploring me to come to them have left me cold. There was a time in the not so distant past I would have dashed off to hit that. Something in me has changed.

But more than that things are just too complicated for me right now. The focus for me has shifted to my daughter, and trying to help her navigate through some of life's rapids. So much I want to tell her, yet with all that she is going through it's just not the right time.

Danger Will Robinson

So. The big changes.. I quit the job with Satan, there are some things even the very rich can't afford, my sanity would be one of them. It was time. After plastering the Motor City with my resume, I landed a job in sales with a dealership in the prominent end of town. A bit of a skip from restoring them, but the premise is the same - getting people to spend money big money on cars. This is where the hooker in me gets to spread his uhh "wings". I almost closed my first deal on the floor while waiting to interview, and got the job on the spot. As predicted, the other kids on the floor are not there to play nice.. I can deal.

Satan isn't taking this laying down, and has been blowing up my cell with messages to call him.. for a lot of reasons I should call him back, but my current state of flux has me concerned I will make a poor decision based in greed. I'm human, and he is filthy rich. I've been trying really hard to extricate myself from the situations in my life that aren't working - he is one of them.

I am still adjusting the rest of my life, putting my personal life on hold has really been difficult, but it is the rest of the cost of this move that has me really worried. For the first time in my life I am completely broke.. which by itself is scary, and I have accepted my X's "help", which makes me incredibly uneasy. Nothing comes without strings with her, worse yet she knows I am vulnerable.

I've got the prospect of taking an online relationship to the next level, which has me excited and scared.. Who am I kidding it has me shaking in my boots. I've bared my soul to this one, and if he turned his back on me it's no doubt going to leave a mark. For the men who have stepped in and out of my life, I have managed to keep my heart out of it for the most part. This one is different.

Ever feel like you were hurtling through space at a thousand miles an hour?

2005-11-26T09:14:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

French Benj MMmmm Hot Frenchman with an interesting twist on life and world events. Happy Birthday Benj!... OK slightly belatedly - it was his Birfday when I started this post! Shuddup.

Ruh Roh..

Mariah in clamation sucketh.. so sayeth the kind people of AOL.

Wow.. Tough crowd er wut?

2005-11-22T05:52:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day
Echeblog How to describe Marc... Substance and style, places in the heart, places in the world - AND he can COOK! Every once in a while life affords you the rare gift of meeting someone extraordinary.. even if you have never touched.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

I normally really dread the holidays.. and yet this year is different. Instead of sitting here waiting for something evil to run me over, I'm getting ready to turn a page. THAT makes this the day I realized I am really finally free. There is no one here to terrorize me, that's over. I've been trying to let go of a lot of monsters here.. forgive myself for years of guilt over things I had no control of.
My older brother died 3 years ago today.. I still just feel anger when I think about it. But I think today I am going to let that go too.

Big changes are coming.

2005-11-21T06:47:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day
Exceptional Mediocrity Kia, what can you say about a Diva who's gaydar is better than yours, her taste in men is impeccable, her style of writing is flawlesly bitchy and funny, and she is connected to every hot queer in DC, Sickening, but in a good way. Be sure and check out her "Hot Assed Mens", you'll see what I mean. This is one of those blogs I read when I am really down.. she always makes me smile.

Speaking of hot assed men.
This guy just turns me on...

I LOVE..THIS VIDEO
It ain't pretty?? Hell it ain't!

Tell me the flash of his belly is not the shit.

It's all there in that sexy smirk, I've seen it before... every morning after.
Note to J.D Fortune... Come to Detroit.. hit me up baby - I won't tell.. I swear!

2005-11-21T02:07:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day
E - Brechi another new link, this one totally self serving. Brechi is a total hottie, and reminds me in more ways than one of Med Boy. He is the poster boy for every guy that hits on me, everybody's twentysomething hottie. I don't know why and I don't care, I will simply enjoy that while it lasts. I'm not ashamed of it - college boys are hella fun!

You have to appreciate that these guys fear age, and in places like Manhunt and Gay.com - (your dating/hookup site here), one of the first sentences in their profiles is usually something to the effect "No daddies please" or "don't hit me up if you are over 30", and when they hit me up.. well it just always makes me smile.

Observing from his future..

In his blog he writes of the potential demise of Madonna as the unchallenged queen of music with the sort of melancholy of a guy who is waking up to the idea that time is marching on.. Gwen may have added herself to the picture with some very stellar work, but don't be fooled, Madonna is far from the end of the line. They may move over but they never really step down. Just as Tina Turner could walk onto the stage of ANY Madonna concert and bring them to their knees, Madonna will continue to rule.

My advice to the young and upcoming? Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions, you've yet to learn that not only does life not end at 30.. the really good parts are only just begining. And.. if you are really lucky, years from now, there will be a twenty something grinding up on you on a dance floor, plying you with drinks hoping you'll go home with him later, on your pillow whispering your name, not that an equally hot 40 or 50 something would not be welcome in that spot.

The majority of everything thats hot has rounded the bend to 40. George Clooney 44,Jet Li 42, Bruce Springsteen 55, Johnny Depp 42, Bruce Willis 50, Brad Pitt 41, Mat Dillon 42, Tom Cruise 43, John Stamos 42, Tommy Lee 43, Bonu 45, Benjamin Bratt 42, Peter Gallagher 49, Denzel Washington 50, James Denton 42, Lenny Kravitz 43... and the list goes on.

So the buzz is 40 is the new 30.. I don't want to be 30 again. I never gave away my youth.. it's part of who I am. I think that is as much a gift to some as the gift of poetry, or the ability to sing.. there is a naivete in youth, a willingness to suspend belief, an open channel to throw caution to the wind. It may leave me some day, and when it does MAYBE I will be ready to accept that.

But don't be expecting me to go gently into that good night anytime soon. Madonna and I will continue to flip father time the bird, and defy the rules of nature for some time to come... Trust.

2005-11-20T10:09:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Dog Poet, "You'll shoot your eye out!" ... I think it everytime he tells a story, thinking that if Ralphy had grown up gay, and wrote a blog, this had to be him. It's the same enthrallment I feel when reading his stuff, when he starts a story.. you just have to keep reading. that link is not the main, rather an example, you can find the rest here, and if you get the chance DO read back.. there is a gift there.

What you take away..

I linked that post because for me it reflects the differences and the similarities.. that ever present search for the place you fit in.. today such confabs are held in text messages sent via internet.. but still the hiarchy remains intact. It's all such a game really - we all have red footie pajamas. For some it was that wacked wire retainer they had to wear to bed, others the zit cream, or some other secret that cements us in a fondly remembered pact of silence.

The funny part is that this is a repeating dance that is ever evolving. We may think we grew past it but we simply trade up the red footie pajamas for something else along the way, be it on the inside or on the outside. Funny - it is that exact level of intimacy that is the very building block of a lasting relationship.. no more waiting to exhale.

One thing remains constant, we are all out looking for "the one",yet he/she can only exist if we let them. That means we have trust them and commit to them - to be the proverbial ying to their yang. Therein lies the dilemma. Most men seem perfectly focused and dedicated .. until you throw a hand full of shiny coins in the air to distract them.

When life changes boys to men, they grow all kinds of armor through the scars they pick up along the way, and no matter how much they want that boy they started out as to come out and play.. he almost never does, those footie pajamas are packed away.

Will Mr. Right kindly tie his footie pajamas around his neck so I can find him?

2005-11-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

diScOmBOBuLAtiOn
As Callen writes about those who "would be the one" you know eventually he will get his man. In the mean time this cutie gets by with the help of his friends, and continues to plot the takeover of the world.. Ok he is starting with the company he works for - quit splitting hairs.

ThursGay Chat..

You know it is time to close the 50 chat screens and go to bed when:

A.) You have 4 guys drunk IMing you.. and they are not only starting to make sense, but you can't keep up.
B.) The guy in chat window 8 just told you he would be back after the new "South Park" episode is over- WTF?
C.) An "Older" man is chatting you up on screen 6 and offering to fly you to his country as his boy toy, and you are checking the Airline departures.
D.) You maxed out 2 free email accounts on Manhunt in between all this.
E.) You are nodding off and forgetting what you said to whom. (this one can be particularily embarrassing)
F.) The guy you logged on to talk to never showed up.

I need a life.

2005-11-16T11:47:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day
Good Morning America 23.. Sorry guys I was trying to stay alphabetical, but FJ's cute ass shot just won him a bump to the head of the line.. what can I say, I'm in lust. Shuddup.

Actually there is so much more to FJ than a bangin body.. although DAYUM - it don't hurt! FJ's soul comes across effortlessly in his writing, I don't think there is anything more appealing to me as a reader than a writer who brings you into his emotions, you can feel him. Carefull ya'll - FJ is totally that guy who could steal your heart while you weren't looking.

And other Angels..

Want to support a worthy cause?

Rome Italy- The National Italian Rugby Team composed entirely of firefighters bare all for chairty to help raise money for the USA hurricane Katrina relief stateside, chiefly of the Mississippi Delta region where the photographer Lee Andrew Giabenelli was born.. The champion professional firefighters and ruby players won their divisional gold medal this past July in Quebec, Canada deafeating Australia. The anticipated debut premiere of the teams calendar has taken the city of Rome and the Internet by storm. The Italian fire chiefs are not thrilled about the exploits of the team and have forbidden participation in promoting the calendar in Italy by the teams members. This Italian national rugby team are champions on the field and heroes as first responders in these times that we live.

Not often that you get the opportunity to share your months with some hot hard bodies AND support a great cause! You may purchase the calendar here or here.

2005-11-14T10:21:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day
Dantallion's Cannon, a recent find, this guy has the sexiest smile, and the rest is pretty damn hot too!! Lot's to say as well, he definitely falls under the heading of guys that make you think. I love a beautiful mind.

Another fine moment compliments of Dolce & Gabbana..

Something about a hot guy with his legs in the air.

Been working my ass off at the gym the past few weeks -more so than usual, back to twice a day getting ready for another gig at the end of this month. Seems like I pass myself coming and going. Really - it pisses me off that it takes so long to make an inch, why can't we just get full body hard ons? It took forever but after blowing out both elbows I am finally able to curl 50's - ok so the whole time I am curling I want to scream like a girl.

I swear I don't see a difference but the guys tell me I am making progress. The gym is a dismal place in the morning, not much eye candy, which does make it easier to concentrate on the actual work out. YAY. I haven't made a post about the gym in months.. well none that were this dull anyway.

Being grounded sucks the fuzz.

2005-11-13T09:31:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Cool Relax, Proof that sexy isn't always what your showing. Ray-Ray is SOooooo damn cute!! And those ABS! Shoot!!! You may not ever find a guy more "Mom and apple pie", and I would hate it if that ever changed, not that it ever would. When I read his blog I'm always reassured that good guys are not mythical.. just as usual WAY too far away. Then on the other hand these quiet reserved types are the ones to watch when the lights go down... This guy just makes me smile.

Daddy daycare...
Daughters are the best, even when they are bad. We had a great talk yesterday, not that I am so dimwitted I believe this will never happen again. We are at least clear on the point that she knows what she did was stupid and dangerous. Every year, usually at the beginning of the school year there are stories of young people that drink themselves to death, often vomiting in their sleep and asphyxiating themselves. The numbers aren't huge but even one is too many. Also covered thoroughly, the genetic predisposition to substance abuse that is a clear and present danger.

Yes, by the time the lecture was over she would have promised "World peace" to get me to stop. Sometimes you just have to hope that at least some part of what you said actually stuck. What did stick was that by trying to drink away one problem she simply gained another. Trust is so hard to achieve and so easily lost.

She was out with her older cousin that night, a "good boy" ("M"), who then took her by her other cousins.. the "not so good boy"("J"), who together with his wife("B"), immediately began concocting a story that placed her anywhere but there during the escapade. The idiots actually called "M" while he was standing in my livingroom minutes after I called them demanding to know what it was she was drinking, to set the lies in motion.

I'm no prude, but really, if you mess up be a man and say so. Nothing will push my buttons faster than when someone pisses on my shoes and tells me it is raining. The whole elaborate smoke screen, put into play to keep my X from finding out her sisters kids got Tiffany drunk, would unravel just hours later when this pack of morons managed to pass the truth about what took place along to my X's Mother, who very promptly promised them to keep it hush, then went straight to my X with it. Indeed the apple did not miss hitting a single stick during it's fall from the crazy tree.

Now,all of this came full circle before yours truly had even opened his eyes the following morning. I did not have the option of deciding what to tell my X, the real bottom line is that Tiffany while she may not be an adult, is perfectly capable of making decisions. Clearly bad ones as of late, but none the less - her decision. Granted I would have still been angry had they just come clean, but I am livid with the way this all came down. It's dizzying.

There was one surprise.. my X did not freak out. Instead of dragging this around like a dog with a new bone, she kept her cool and went after the kiddies that perpetrated the all night ignoramus fest. I've waited for 2 days for the other shoe to drop.. maybe this is at last a turn for the better?

Hey it could happen.

All that folderal aside, the girlchild is grounded, and maybe while we are getting through that (because trust me I am now grounded too) I'll find the words, and the moment I need to make the next jump.

Favorite quote of the week:
"I rebuke this in the name of the Lord!" -Marguerite Perrin

..OMFG! Buckle up ya'll the antichrist is here and she wears spandex.

2005-11-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Chrisafer, the very first blog I read. I think recognition speaks volumes. Had I not stumbled across his page, I doubt I would be here, ruining my reputation 5 times faster via Comcast. Cheeky, witty, snippy, and likely to look like a schoolboy till he is 50.. utterly sickening. I am not an 85 year old woman and even I want to pinch his cheeks.... Through his blog and the links on his page I found the keys to all things every gay man should know, then I went on to screw it up all on my own.. cuz I am cool like that.

Parenting while impaired

I'm not a happy Dad this morning. My daughter, has been going through a rather messy break up with Mr. Bad Habit, (we'll call him BH, even though I have a veritable laundry list of expletives that fit), did something stupid last night that resulted in her naked on the bathroom floor head in toilet. Perhaps dumber still, the idea that I may have lead her there by example, thus giving further credence to the fact that parent's are not perfect.

You can't drink away a boyfriend any faster than you can drink your truck back together. As I sit here reflecting on this, she is cleaning the apartment, no doubt thinking she is going to brown nose her way to freedom... not this time. Though I can't escape the fact that parents do lead by example, and my own culpability is all too obvious.

I had planned to come out to her this weekend, last night in fact.. timing is as they say everything. I'm thinking we have other things to discuss.

2005-11-10T16:14:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Bratboyschool, ummm, that link is not to his main page.. you can find your way there by clicking HERE, I used the other link for obvious reasons.. HOT beef stew! I don't even care what is in it.. *blinks* Ethan is a proper mix of world events and tasteful exhibitionism.. and Beef Stew. Seriously... what's not to like?

November 10, 1979

Today would have been my 26th anniversary.. Happy 1st non anniversary to me! More importantly - Happy Birthday to Marc!, who was all of 6 years old at the time.. I'm depressed now.

2005-11-09T20:17:00.000-05:00

Blog(s) of the day

Bradford, also editor at Queerty ..Hmm think of the gay blogosphere as the "Valley of the Dolls", Bradford would be that bitchy older doll character Helen Larson, played by Susan Hayward, that got her wig tugged off by the boozy pill popping doll Neely Ohara, played by Patty Duke,Toby, of Vividblurry would be a natch for that role no?... eh I forgot where I was going with this and furthermore I am too lazy to cut and paste faces to the stills... use your imagination.

Great lines from the movie - or was it Bradford and Toby Sniping at each other?

The famous Helen Lawson/Neely battle:

Bradford: They kicked you outa Hollywood, so ya come crawling back to Broadway. Well Brooahdway doesn't go for BOOOZE and dope.

Bradford: Get out of my way, I got a man waiting for me!
Toby: Makes a change from the fags you usually hang around with.
Bradford: At least I didn't have to marry one!
Toby (after pulling off Bradford's wig): It's a wig! Her hair's as fake as she is.

Well you get the picture. All kidding aside? Fun stuff.

Went to see Jacquie yesterday, after beating my ass for having kept this secret all this time. We talked, laughed, cried.. then she agreed to get up off my chest. Suddenly this got a little less scary.

Trainer guy at the gym keeps referring to me as "Mr. Pitt" - ok, one time was sorta cute, now it's getting a little disturbing. Trainer guy, if your reading here, a simple hello is cool.

I don't normally comment on politics here, but Detroit did re-elect Kwame Kilpatrick by a narrow margin last night. Anyone attending Superbowl '06, the really HOT party will NOT be at the Mayoral Mansion, will NOT include hookers, strippers, or drugs, and that's final.

2005-11-08T09:04:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

A Wrinkle in Time, ironic how at times aspects of our lives seem to intersect. Sean too uses his blog as the place to vent his inner most thoughts, sometimes it is the things in us that break our hearts that string us together.

The Parents

The thing about parents is that they seem so omniscient when we are little, and it can be so disillusioning when we realize that they really are just simply human - and often flawed. I am forever amazed that people don't have to be licensed to have children, not that something like that would be fool proof for sure.

I can't stay angry with my parents, no matter what. If they decide to disown me, I'll just continue to love them, because much the same as my relationship with my X I just don't know how to hate. I don't want to learn. I don't have the energy to hate, and if I did, I would hope I could find a better way to use it.

My Father is a brilliant man, Doctorates and all. But he was not equipped to be a father.. in fact if he had to test for such a thing he would certainly have had a tough time achieving "window licker" status. He abused because it was what he was shown. My Mother should have been institutionalized when I was 5.. she could not have even taken the test because she would have to have been sober enough to hold the pencil.

It took me a long time to see that they were just a product of what they passed through on the way. They are still together, making each other miserable still after 48 years of marriage. As if marriage is some kind of holy sissy test that will give you better accommodations in the great hereafter. For an educated man, he doth surprise and confound me. Two people can live a lifetime together, have 4 children and still never be a family.

The money - I was raised like every trust fund brat in many respects.. I'm recovering from that, it's sort of like a handicap you never knew you had. I do wish I had planned a little better.. but wishes don't pay the bills. If I never see the inheritance I'll be just fine. It didn't mean anything to me when I had it and it still doesn't. I waited all my life just to have their love, and some things will just never happen no matter what you do.

In the words that say it better than I can;

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for makin' me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for makin' me a fighter

Adendum:
I think all moronic parental activity should be tried before Judge Judy. Muah!

This just in..
Michigan seems to have misplaced 8,000 or so sex offenders, sorta gives ya that warm fuzzy feeling.

2005-11-06T12:33:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Bill in Exile, whether it is his writing style or the gritty slices of life, these guys are a must read. Closer than brothers for a lot of reasons you can glean from the blog. This month marks the second anniversary of the death of my older brother Craig, of complications arising from his addiction to Heroin. I'm glad Bill is seeing the upside of his circumstances, despite his dreary surroundings. I often ponder that if Craig had been arrested and jailed he might be alive today. Bill will go on to be a remarkable success.. I can just feel it.

Recoil

I've sort of been hiding out since the yahoo conversation with Jacquie.. I know it's silly but I do that from time to time when things get overwhelming. Besides - my truck is busted, I think the oil pump is shot.. and after talking to my X last night I am pretty sure I will walk wherever I need to go rather than ever ask her for another thing.

It just amazes me that I keep letting her suck me back in. During last nights conversation the subject of my coming out came up, I never told her I came out to Jaquie. She said "You aren't seriously thinking about telling the kids.. do you have any idea what this will do to them?" went on to cover all the bases, what people will say.. the wretched jokes the circus folk on her side will be tossing around..

The subject of my parents came up and again she denies telling them but some things you just know.. and no matter if she hasn't they will know. She said I better not do anything stupid or I will be disowned completely.. I couldn't help but wonder exactly how that would change anything from where it is now?

I'm weary of guessing what fresh hell she must have laid on them to make them turn their backs on me again.. although it is really just a testament to the fact they really never knew me to begin with, and certainly they can't have valued me much at all as a son. Why do I continue to let this shit touch me.

She went on to tell me how selfish I was, and that having lived a lie all my life I should shut up at least till the holidays are over.. and then it occurred to me she is really frightened. Once this is out she has lost her power.

I'm going to need to toughen up fast, this next wave is going to be a killer

2005-11-02T19:29:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Boys will be Boys - Anyone know what happened to him?? The little hottie owes me a lunch.

VH1 I love the 80's 3D.. Hahahaha!! OMG I really did love the 80's. Damn you VH1!

Halloween 1987

My boys.. maybe not so much!! My Grandad either, Black Monday nearly wiped him out.. left him a mere millionair. I loved it.. 87 Cougar Turbocoupe (OMFG I miss that car), Duran Duran hair, and Billy Idol was SOoooo fucking HOT! Well him and a host of other performers.. and Mel Gibson.. *sigh* If you loved the 80's this was a must see - funny stuff.

It had to be today.

Things have been burning in me.. it's time to move this along too much of my life is cut between two world and it has to stop. I have talked about my best friend Jacquie here on many occasions, said that she would be the first one I came out too here in my world. I went to see her today, she still rawks, husband #5 is history - we once again picked up where we left off, shooting the shit over Arabic coffee - which I have to tell you is REALLY REALLY strong.. and thick when you hit the bottom. In all my life she is the one friend that has been right here with me.. she had to be first.

I had to borrow my X's car to get there - which I have to tell you just made me feel dirty all over.. Once I got there I tried several times, and it was like every bad "b" movie ever hatched, everytime I had the words together one of her kids came bouncing in.. so I had like 8 minor heart attacks and then wound up leaving.. but I just couldn't leave it at that, not this time. So I did what I always do - I wrote her.. on yahoo lol. She reminded me why I am so proud to be her friend, and made me totally wonder how she passed typing class.

Me (6:23:05 PM): You there?
jac (6:23:44 PM): hey toots
jac (6:23:45 PM): im here
jac (6:23:47 PM): eating
jac (6:23:48 PM): whats up
Me (6:24:07 PM): Hey babe
Me (6:24:09 PM):
jac (6:24:11 PM): lol
jac (6:24:15 PM): got home ok?
Me (6:24:22 PM): Yeah - ugh
jac(6:24:25 PM): lol
Me (6:24:29 PM): LONG ride lol
jac(6:24:30 PM): where is she?>
jac(6:24:34 PM): the ball and chain?
Me (6:24:40 PM): Who knows - she took the car
jac(6:24:43 PM): hope she is reading this
jac(6:24:44 PM): heheheheheheeheh
jac(6:24:47 PM): awwwwwwww
Me (6:24:47 PM): LMAO!
jac(6:24:50 PM): so u r stuck home?
Me (6:25:03 PM): Yeah temporarily anyway
jac(6:25:09 PM): wheres tiff?
Me (6:25:15 PM): She is here
jac(6:25:23 PM): tell her aunite jacq says hi
jac(6:25:30 PM): kids are going out the door
Me (6:25:33 PM): ok
jac(6:25:34 PM): can u hang on a minute?
Me (6:25:39 PM): She says hi
jac(6:25:43 PM): hi baby girl
Me (6:25:43 PM): sure
jac(6:25:44 PM): miss u
jac(6:25:47 PM): ok brb
Me (6:25:49 PM): k
jac(6:30:35 PM): k
jac(6:30:38 PM): all is quiet here
Me (6:30:41 PM): brb gotta pee
Me (6:30:44 PM): lol
jac(6:30:45 PM): lol
Me (6:33:04 PM):
jac(6:33:07 PM): wb
jac(6:33:22 PM): everything come out ok?
jac(6:33:24 PM): hehehehhe
Me (6:33:27 PM): lmao
Me (6:33:29 PM): Yep
jac(6:33:33 PM): koll
jac(6:33:35 PM): kool
Me (6:33:37 PM): hahah
jac(6:33:39 PM): ur not that old then yet
jac(6:33:39 PM): lol
Me (6:33:47 PM): Hell no hahah
jac(6:33:52 PM): when u have to stand there 20 minutesa
jac(6:33:56 PM): and u get one drop
jac(6:33:57 PM): ur old
jac(6:33:58 PM): lol
Me (6:33:59 PM): LMAO
Me (6:34:06 PM):
jac(6:34:12 PM): so what are ur big plans tonight?
Me (6:34:32 PM): Umm going to the gym with Shaun, then I am not sure
jac(6:34:41 PM): tell the boys i said hi too
Me (6:34:51 PM): I will - they love you
jac(6:34:56 PM): love them all
jac(6:34:58 PM): too much
Me (6:35:20 PM): And I think they love you even more cuz you make N so crazy
Me (6:35:26 PM):
jac(6:35:27 PM): loooooooooooooooool
jac(6:35:33 PM): really she is so stupid
Me (6:35:40 PM): Yeah
Me (6:35:50 PM): Makes me really crazy
jac(6:35:52 PM): it hurst me that she still is this way about me
jac(6:36:03 PM): i have to learn to brush it off
jac(6:36:08 PM): that she is crazy
Me (6:36:17 PM): Well - some things you just can't change
jac(6:36:28 PM): guess i should be happy
jac(6:36:33 PM): she must think im still hot
jac(6:36:34 PM): lol
Me (6:36:41 PM): And the fact is - I always made it clear you and I will always be close
jac(6:36:44 PM):
jac(6:36:50 PM): ya too bad for her
jac(6:37:00 PM): i was never a threat
jac(6:37:09 PM): we are family scottie
jac(6:37:10 PM): always
Me (6:37:11 PM): OK are all the kids out of the room?
jac(6:37:18 PM): ya why?
Me (6:37:23 PM): hehe
jac(6:37:24 PM):
jac(6:37:27 PM): lol
Me (6:37:29 PM): Gah
jac(6:37:36 PM): what u gonna show me now?
jac(6:37:45 PM): they are gone till sunday now
Me (6:37:47 PM): I had something to tell you actually
jac(6:37:52 PM): ok tell away
jac(6:37:55 PM): im all ears
Me (6:37:59 PM): Hahahha
Me (6:38:20 PM): OMG - I wanted to tell you this afternoon but the kids kept coming up
jac(6:38:26 PM): ok
jac(6:38:27 PM): whgat?
jac(6:38:28 PM): tell me
Me (6:38:35 PM): Your going to shit
jac(6:38:38 PM): ok
jac(6:38:40 PM): im ready
jac(6:38:41 PM): what
jac(6:38:43 PM): ur gay?
jac(6:38:45 PM): looooooooooooooooooooool
jac(6:38:50 PM): s;ldkfs;dlkfs;ldfks;'dlkfd;lkf
Me (6:38:52 PM): Um yes.
jac(6:38:55 PM): ;p;
jac(6:38:57 PM): lol
jac(6:38:58 PM): what?
jac(6:39:01 PM): just tell me
Me (6:39:10 PM): Why you just guessed
jac(6:39:14 PM): no
jac(6:39:16 PM): stop
jac(6:39:17 PM): lol
jac(6:39:51 PM): u want N to hear this? that is why i saying this?
Me (6:39:53 PM): Jacquie seriously you can't say a word to anyone yet
jac(6:40:00 PM): scott?
Me (6:40:05 PM): Yes
jac(6:40:10 PM): dont lie
Me (6:40:14 PM): LOL
jac(6:40:25 PM): u know i love u no matter what
jac(6:40:33 PM): but tell me the truth
Me (6:40:34 PM): omg - I knew this shit was going to be hard.
jac(6:40:42 PM): u are serious?
Me (6:40:45 PM): Yes
jac(6:40:49 PM): well
jac(6:40:55 PM): i love u
jac(6:40:57 PM): how is that?
jac(6:41:02 PM): im at a loss of words
Me (6:41:05 PM): I know
jac(6:41:11 PM): i guess it makes some sense
jac(6:41:19 PM): since u never cheated on N
Me (6:41:27 PM): I wanted so much to tell you - I have chickened out every time
jac(6:41:27 PM): but i m a little suprised
jac(6:41:37 PM): how long have u know this baby?
Me (6:41:46 PM): I knew when I was 8
jac(6:42:04 PM): and u never told me?
jac(6:42:09 PM): why not honey?
jac(6:42:11 PM): om,g
Me (6:42:13 PM): I just thought if I tryed really hard - it would all be ok
jac(6:42:20 PM): baby
jac(6:42:24 PM): it is ok
jac(6:42:26 PM): this is who u are
Me (6:42:36 PM): I haven't told the kids yet
jac(6:42:39 PM): but i would have never guessed
Me (6:42:46 PM): I'm fucking terrified
jac(6:42:51 PM): i understand that
jac(6:42:59 PM): i dont know how the boys will react
jac(6:43:02 PM): baby?
jac(6:43:07 PM): have u been with a man?
Me (6:43:07 PM): I know
jac(6:43:11 PM): or u just knwo u are?
Me (6:43:15 PM): Men? lol
jac(6:43:20 PM): ok
jac(6:43:24 PM): just checking
jac(6:43:25 PM): lol
Me (6:43:30 PM): I know
jac(6:43:30 PM): i ahve a sister in law
jac(6:43:32 PM): thinks she is
jac(6:43:36 PM): and has never been with a woman
jac(6:43:42 PM): so i told her how can she really know
jac(6:43:49 PM): baby....i have been with woman
Me (6:44:32 PM): I know - and it was right on the edge of my tongue today, and then you asked me if I ever thought about sleeping with you LOL
jac(6:44:40 PM): lol
jac(6:44:48 PM): scott
jac(6:44:53 PM): i love u no matter what u are
jac(6:44:59 PM): nothing can change this
jac(6:45:04 PM): and the kids should feel the same way
Me (6:45:12 PM): I about shit - then D came up and well - I just didn't want you screaming and scaring the kids lmao
jac(6:45:14 PM): if they love u half as much as i do?
Me (6:45:24 PM): I know
jac(6:45:28 PM): i would never have reacted that way
jac(6:45:38 PM): im ur sister all ur life scott
Me (6:45:45 PM): You Mom is going to have some major issues with this
jac(6:45:45 PM): u should know me better than this
jac(6:45:50 PM): fuck her
jac(6:45:51 PM): lol
Me (6:45:51 PM): I do
Me (6:45:56 PM): I was just scared
jac(6:46:01 PM): scott....u r divorced
jac(6:46:03 PM): over 21
jac(6:46:04 PM): white
jac(6:46:07 PM): its ur life
jac(6:46:13 PM): anyone who cant aceptt this
jac(6:46:15 PM): can fuck off
Me (6:46:20 PM): Anyway N already knows
jac(6:46:24 PM): she does?
jac(6:46:24 PM): omg
jac(6:46:25 PM): omg
jac(6:46:30 PM): and?
Me (6:46:35 PM): When she stole my computer she downloaded my hardrive
jac(6:46:36 PM): she told ur parents?
Me (6:46:42 PM): yep
jac(6:46:47 PM): then that is why
Me (6:46:56 PM): She swears she didn't but I know she must have
jac(6:47:09 PM): and how did she react to this?
Me (6:47:14 PM): you know her - this was prime info
jac(6:47:31 PM): i bet
Me (6:47:37 PM): Actually - she was really understanding.. at least on the surface
jac(6:47:57 PM): yes but she belevieed u?
Me (6:48:05 PM): And she was begging me to just live with her and we will keep this "our little secret"
jac(6:48:16 PM): she knew long tim?
Me (6:48:26 PM): Yeah - well there was a lot of really damning eveidence on this computer
Me (6:48:37 PM): She knew the week I moved out
jac(6:48:42 PM): omg baby
Me (6:48:55 PM): She has been blackmailing me for months
jac(6:49:00 PM): then let her tell
jac(6:49:03 PM): stop this
Me (6:49:13 PM): It makes me so crazy
jac(6:49:29 PM): u cantlive a lie hun
Me (6:49:36 PM): She does it in such a veilled way - honestly I dont know what to think sometimes
Me (6:49:52 PM): And that is also why I dropped the ppo
jac(6:49:59 PM): ???
Me (6:50:03 PM): thats when she hit me with it
Me (6:50:18 PM): She kept saying I know your secret and shit
jac(6:50:39 PM): scott
Me (6:50:39 PM): Honestly jacquie I never ever cheated on that bitch
jac(6:50:47 PM): i belvie u
Me (6:50:51 PM): And she left me wishing I would have
jac(6:50:54 PM): but u must stand up now
jac(6:50:59 PM): and not give her any more power
Me (6:51:11 PM): I know - but omg I am scared
jac(6:51:28 PM): what is the worst that will happen?
Me (6:51:49 PM): I have talked to different people - your Mom, Peter, - and the things they said just cut right through me
jac(6:52:04 PM): abput this?
Me (6:52:21 PM): I also got a load from my little bro while the divorce was going on
Me (6:52:30 PM): I didn't tell them I was
Me (6:52:42 PM): But the subject of gays has come up yeah
jac(6:52:46 PM): well
jac(6:52:55 PM): there is a diff between gays and u
jac(6:52:58 PM): they love u
Me (6:53:00 PM): And I have to say I was really shocked with your Mom
jac(6:53:07 PM): in general most ppl have bad attittude
jac(6:53:14 PM): scott
jac(6:53:19 PM): fuck her
jac(6:53:25 PM): what do u really care what she sayd?
Me (6:53:57 PM): And Peter really surprized me too - it really made me hold back
jac(6:54:17 PM): mo m has been in the art world all her life
jac(6:54:23 PM): she is no stranger to this
Me (6:54:36 PM): Then my little bro reffered to gays as deviates - and that was like a major slap
jac(6:54:53 PM): ppl say things wihout thinking
jac(6:55:03 PM): it doesnt mean they will feel this way when they know
jac(6:55:12 PM): i ahve thought peter was for years
jac(6:55:13 PM): lol
jac(6:55:14 PM): so?
Me (6:55:16 PM): I am just not sure what I will have left at the end of this
jac(6:55:23 PM): me
jac(6:55:26 PM):
Me (6:55:29 PM):
jac(6:55:33 PM): scott
Me (6:55:33 PM): I love you
jac(6:55:37 PM): i lvoe u too
jac(6:55:43 PM): and i will always be here for u
jac(6:55:46 PM): u know
Me (6:55:50 PM): I know
jac(6:55:54 PM): my kids had a hard time wtih gays too
jac(6:55:58 PM): until they met my cousin
jac(6:56:00 PM): fritz
jac(6:56:10 PM): adn pierce told me mom...........
jac(6:56:25 PM): fritz changed my whole out look on gays
jac(6:56:28 PM): fritz cried
Me (6:56:32 PM): Aww
jac(6:56:38 PM): ppl who really love u
jac(6:56:44 PM): will aceppt this
jac(6:56:47 PM): i swear
jac(6:56:53 PM): all u need to worry about
jac(6:56:55 PM): is tiff
jac(6:56:56 PM): ok?
Me (6:57:14 PM): I am just as frightened too that I am taking the only stable figure my kids have had away from them
Me (6:57:37 PM): They are going to think I have gone completely crazy
jac(6:57:59 PM): bay
jac(6:58:00 PM): baby
jac(6:58:07 PM): i cant say that wont happen
jac(6:58:08 PM): but
jac(6:58:14 PM): u must be honest with them
jac(6:58:17 PM): they know u are not nuts
jac(6:58:20 PM): and if u tell them
jac(6:58:25 PM): this has been inside u
jac(6:58:26 PM): all ur life
jac(6:58:30 PM): they will understang
jac(6:58:43 PM): its not soemthing u just decided to do
jac(6:59:36 PM): i think at first the boys will be shocked
jac(6:59:39 PM): but they love u
jac(6:59:47 PM): well
Me (6:59:56 PM): I know
jac(7:00:02 PM): honestly
jac(7:00:10 PM): i would have said u are a ladies man
Me (7:00:26 PM): God Jacquie for the longest time I was
jac(7:00:38 PM): maybe this was to hide the truth
jac(7:00:44 PM): if u have known since 8?
Me (7:00:46 PM): Like I thought if I screwed enough of them it would just go away
jac(7:00:51 PM): maybe
jac(7:01:01 PM): u are sure u dont like woman too?
Me (7:01:08 PM): Yeah - I think a lot of it was a front
Me (7:01:19 PM): Yeah - I'm sure
jac(7:01:22 PM): ok
jac(7:01:25 PM): i mean i like woman
jac(7:01:29 PM): but i know it want men more
jac(7:01:30 PM): lol
jac(7:01:33 PM): for sure
jac(7:01:38 PM): and i do not think i anm gay
jac(7:01:50 PM): god if N gets this
jac(7:01:53 PM): im fucked too
jac(7:01:53 PM): lol
Me (7:02:01 PM): When my marriage went in the toilet - I decided that I was going to live my life my way
jac(7:02:11 PM): scott
Me (7:02:15 PM): hahhaha
jac(7:02:15 PM): just be careful
jac(7:02:21 PM): last thing i need is for u to get scik
Me (7:02:27 PM): I know
jac(7:02:28 PM): roys best firend went this way
Me (7:02:32 PM): I am safe
jac(7:02:37 PM): and its god awful to watch
jac(7:02:59 PM): well...now u have told me
Me (7:03:02 PM): I know - -the first guy I was ever with died in 95 of aids
jac(7:03:03 PM): and i lvoe u more than before
Me (7:03:13 PM):
jac(7:03:17 PM): so u had a man long time ago?
Me (7:03:27 PM): You know you were the first person I had to tell
jac(7:03:29 PM): and now u have a pal to go to the bar with
jac(7:03:29 PM): lol
Me (7:03:36 PM): When I was 13
jac(7:03:38 PM): im honored baby
jac(7:03:46 PM): and a little pissed off
jac(7:03:46 PM): lol
jac(7:03:50 PM): that u waited so long
Me (7:04:00 PM): Aww don't
jac(7:04:02 PM): u should have told me at 16
jac(7:04:06 PM):
Me (7:04:09 PM): I was just terrified
jac(7:04:12 PM): i thought we were close?
jac(7:04:13 PM): lol
Me (7:04:28 PM): I know but Jaquie things were so much different then
jac(7:04:33 PM): scott
jac(7:04:38 PM): i wil never turn my back on u
jac(7:04:38 PM): ok?
jac(7:04:39 PM): never
Me (7:04:52 PM): That means so much to me
jac(7:04:59 PM): adn this doesnt change who u are
jac(7:05:04 PM): not to me or ur kids
jac(7:05:10 PM): adn if u need me to help u
jac(7:05:11 PM): i will
jac(7:05:15 PM): i can be with u
jac(7:05:17 PM): when u tell them
jac(7:05:21 PM): but i think u should
jac(7:05:36 PM): cut N loose baby
jac(7:05:42 PM): set urself free of her
Me (7:05:45 PM): I think I better tell them alone, only because I want their honest reaction
jac(7:05:58 PM): well if u need help
jac(7:05:59 PM): i am here
jac(7:06:06 PM): but i would do it with all three
jac(7:06:12 PM): if u tell one
jac(7:06:15 PM): and they tell the other
jac(7:06:17 PM): not good hun
Me (7:06:17 PM): I don't know what I am going to do if they hate me Jaquie
Me (7:06:22 PM): I'll die
jac(7:06:22 PM): scott
jac(7:06:25 PM): they cant hate u
jac(7:06:26 PM): never
jac(7:06:29 PM): they may get mad
jac(7:06:33 PM): i cant say they wont
jac(7:06:37 PM): but they will come around
jac(7:06:39 PM): ok?
Me (7:06:45 PM): Yeah
jac(7:06:46 PM): they are smart open minded men
jac(7:06:54 PM): but u must tell them
jac(7:06:59 PM): that u knew this all ur life
jac(7:06:59 PM): ok?
jac(7:07:08 PM): be straight about this
Me (7:07:10 PM): Yes
jac(7:07:14 PM): let them know u stayed with N
jac(7:07:15 PM): for them
jac(7:07:20 PM): this will help
Me (7:07:27 PM): I will - they know that anyway
jac(7:07:42 PM): wellthey will know it more nnow
jac(7:07:47 PM): to know how u suffered
Me (7:07:52 PM): Yeah
jac(7:07:54 PM): and what u sacrifced
jac(7:08:10 PM): scott?
Me (7:08:21 PM): You know the sad thing is Jacquie that if she never would have cheated I never would have left
jac(7:08:36 PM): i know baby...she did all this
Me (7:08:46 PM): I would have lived the rest of my life without it
jac(7:08:50 PM): i know
jac(7:08:52 PM): scott?
Me (7:08:56 PM): Yes
jac(7:09:04 PM): dotn ever keep anythign from me agian
jac(7:09:05 PM): ok?
jac(7:09:06 PM): never
Me (7:09:09 PM): I wont
jac(7:09:09 PM): swear it
Me (7:09:13 PM): I swear
jac(7:09:16 PM): ok
jac(7:09:23 PM): and this is not the end of the world
jac(7:09:31 PM): u will feel the weight of the world off u
Me (7:09:34 PM): I was going to tell you last year
jac(7:09:35 PM): once u free urself
jac(7:09:41 PM): i wish u had baby
Me (7:09:47 PM): I know - this has been really killing me
jac(7:09:53 PM): im sure it is
jac(7:09:58 PM): but nothing is worth giving up
jac(7:09:58 PM): ok?
jac(7:09:59 PM): nothing
Me (7:10:04 PM): OK
jac(7:10:06 PM): even if they hate u for awhile
jac(7:10:11 PM): they will get over it
Me (7:10:35 PM): God you have no idea how glad I am to have you
jac(7:10:41 PM): awwwwwwwww
jac(7:10:45 PM): and i am to have u
jac(7:10:51 PM): we stand together
jac(7:10:53 PM): ok?
Me (7:10:55 PM):
jac(7:10:57 PM): i am here
Me (7:10:58 PM): ok
Me (7:11:13 PM): I'm all teary here
jac(7:11:13 PM): just im worried about ur state of mind
jac(7:11:17 PM): i love u
jac(7:11:24 PM): i dont want u thinking in any way
jac(7:11:29 PM): to take ur life scott
jac(7:11:31 PM): nothjing is worth this
jac(7:11:34 PM): promise me
jac(7:11:40 PM): i know u scott
Me (7:11:40 PM): I wont.. I promise
Me (7:11:59 PM): As long as I know I have somewhere to run if this all falls apart
jac(7:12:05 PM): if u can live with n all these years
jac(7:12:09 PM): and not kill urself
jac(7:12:15 PM): u can live thru this
jac(7:12:15 PM): lol
Me (7:12:19 PM): LOL
Me (7:12:23 PM): Good point
jac(7:12:23 PM): u have my home
jac(7:12:26 PM): and my arms
jac(7:12:26 PM): always
jac(7:12:41 PM): adn let me tell u somthing
jac(7:12:44 PM): very clearly
jac(7:12:45 PM): ok?
Me (7:12:55 PM): k
jac(7:13:03 PM): if u do soemthing
jac(7:13:05 PM): stupid
jac(7:13:07 PM): and selfish
jac(7:13:15 PM): u will make the kids live fucked up more
jac(7:13:19 PM): and u will leave them
jac(7:13:27 PM): with only the crack whore
jac(7:13:29 PM): u want this?
jac(7:13:40 PM): they need u
jac(7:13:43 PM): they still need u
Me (7:13:45 PM): I know
jac(7:13:47 PM): gay or no gay
jac(7:13:48 PM): ok?
jac(7:13:59 PM): better gay then dead and with only N
Me (7:14:08 PM): And this has had me so fucked up for this past year I have just frozen Jacquie
jac(7:14:17 PM): no more
jac(7:14:22 PM): its time to be free scott
jac(7:14:27 PM): adn the first step
jac(7:14:28 PM): was now
jac(7:14:29 PM): telling me
jac(7:14:30 PM): ok?
jac(7:14:36 PM): baby steps

We chatted for a while after, they say you can never go home.. but for me she was always home, and yes you can go back.

2005-11-02T11:08:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day

Ajax in the City is one of my shiny new links, and with an almost poetic writing style he leaves you craving Greek. Besides, anyone who can think on the fly when dispensing sage advise to good friends is always a valuable asset! Olive oil eh?

Things that made me giggle today..
I was reading that there may be a "Real World" Detroit in the mix, I don't usually follow this stuff but this should be good.. I wonder what the producers will do when cast mates start calling in bored? Oh I suppose if you got drunk enough anyplace might be fun.. better clear some space at Cassa Del Betty - or at least be ready to catch the castmates when they start flinging themselves off of buildings.

Hilarious.. given my inexplicable gravitational pull to guys of college age, I could be MTV's next blur!! HAHAHAHA!!! Yikes. Tell me THAT would not be bloody good fun. Still it might distract from the boredom! Course they would have to have a second blur team to keep my X covered... It would definitely change the face of reality television forever!!

I am predicting a bigger than ever amount of in house squabbling, as this area pretty much flatlines at the stroke of midnight, and the only other action they may find save the club scene, an occasional car jacking, and getting the tires and wheels replaced on their cars, will be the traffic barricade gauntlet- and trust if that doesn't have them ready to kill each other nothing will.

I think I have lived here way too long.

2005-10-31T12:24:00.000-05:00

Blog of the day-

What you thought it was an idol threat?

Addaboy "A good friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend is sitting in the cell with you going, 'that was awesome!'"

Hahaha! Straight from his profile ya just gotta like this one. He took down his pics dammit(Boo!)but I have a photographic memory where cute guys are concerned and this one is 2 thumbs up. Addaboy was one of my first blogging addictions, anybody that gets as much ass as he does belongs at the top of my list hehehe! I need to get his recipe for dragging straight guys out of the closet.. he has to have set some kind of deflowering record. At any rate - he is brilliantly funny, and well worth the read.

Happy Halloween!!

I love scary movies.. not slasher, entrails all over type movies - but the classic nail biter style scary. When I was a kid we had a Saturday afternoon show here in Detroit called "Sir Graves Ghastly", I watched this show religiously. He was sort of a "Count Chocula" style host, and they played scary movies.. the cool ones, The Mummy, The werewolf - you know, the golden oldies.. and no I don't care if I am dating myself here.

My Mother made me keep her old hope chest in my room, and after seeing Dracula I once stabbed the contents of that chest repeatedly with a vary large very sharp knife, I think her Dolly suffered multiple stab wounds.. along with her wedding gown and a shitton of 50's couture that she had stored away after she married.. sorry Mom. No, she doesn't know.

Halloween has always been my favorite, and I always made my kids costumes.. some of them were really a riot. Christopher was always my favorite crash dummy hehehe. At age 2 Christopher looked exactly like a Cabbage Patch Kid, so it was a no brainer to run to the corner market and grab 3 large heads of cabbage and some twine, stringing it to him till he was covered in the smelly stuff, turning the leaves up around his head.. it was PERFECT!

When he was 12, Edward scissors Hands was his favorite character.. and as luck would have it Christophers hair was sort of long and shaggy then so it was again a perfect choice. Once sprayed black and spikey, clown white and black shadowing - some latex scars and a dash of fake blood here n there, I strung real scissors to a pair of black leather gloves.. and Voila! Now.. there was one small glitch. Nobody (me) ever considered that the poor boy may have to pee. The consummate perfectionist, he was afraid his chest strings would get messed up - so he held it for more than 4 hours while trick or treating! What a man.

When Tiffany was 10 she was cat woman. He Aunt sacrificed her black leather coat and I made a costume that was a perfect knock off of the one Michelle Pfeiffer wore, complete with Dominatrix Whip (Don't ask haha) Everything was great till she cracked it on a friend.

Halloween for me has always been fun, time for good friends, time with my kids.. the things that count.

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-29T12:30:00.000-04:00

Missing your 15 minutes of fame.

I went to check my stat counter because unless I am loosing my mind my Blog hits went through the roof and I was clueless as to why. E-mails popping in from a lot of really sweet people, I had to rule out anything evil perpetrated by my X. After hopping a couple links.. OK hahaha it took me a while but I finally found the source of my sudden popularity!

Dan Renzi of How was your day, Dan?
One of my favorite reads gave me a really sweet nod. I'm truly humbled.

It made me think about what I look for in my reading.. Sometimes it is people who make me think. Dan is definitely one of those guys. I love wit with a twist, Dan is always seamless. I find the insight this guy has at such a young age really remarkable, and yes of course he is obviously a hunk hehe.

It's people who take me there, guys like Damon, at Naked City Boys, who mixes life's experiences with hot details, and for however long your visiting, you are propelled into his world, whether it's what he had to say that day or the sight of him doing what he enjoys - putting that dirty grin on guys faces, I never leave his page without a smile. The fact that he and his mate Hunter, of Not that Boy, are both scantlessly hot and exacting their just revenge on the world in the best form possible - being happy, makes it all the better.. Rock on boys!

I can't write about everyone in one sitting.. my attention span isn't that great LOL! So instead I think each week till I hit the end I will give ya one from my list of "Notable People", which I will also be updating.

At any rate - welcome to my world new readers! Pull up a chair, grab a coffee or a stiff drink and prepare to be dazzled with my inane ability to make the same mistake a thousand times.

Squished Cat

It occurred to me this morning when I was chatting with "J", that my relationship with my X reminds me very much of one of those cute pictures you see of the child squeezing the cat -

Usually the cat looks like he is on the brink of death - or ready to scratch the kids eyes out, - or sometimes he has wiggled his way out to the point he is upside down and being squeezed nearly in half (ouch) or sometimes he just looks humiliated, no matter what it is clear he wants to get away.. but that child has big plans for him and even if he manages to wiggle free that child will turn over Heaven and Earth to find that cat and squeeze him again.

The cat would be perfectly content to simply visit with the silly child from time to time, but that is never enough for the kid.

My daughter is going through a tough time right now. She is learning about heartbreak for the first time, breaking up with the first boy she ever gave her heart to. They were together for 10 months - which was 9 months and 30 days too long as far as I am concerned. But then I am her Dad and no boy will ever meet my standards.

But this one was particularly disturbing, as he mirrored far too many of my X's behaviors, often holding on to her with guilt and manipulation. I have seen this recur in the relationships of my other kids as well at times and it makes me wonder if I did the right thing at all by staying with my X for as long as I did. I didn't do a very good job of setting an example.

Even now - I am trying so hard to make this OK, - trying to salvage at least a friendship with my X.. but it leaves the door open to so many other things that it makes my head swim sometimes. It is hard to play by the rules when the other party keeps trying to rewrite them.

I have always looked at her as this tragic figure, who loves but does not know how to express it without squeezing you in half. I want so much to believe that all the insane chaotic behavior is her way of showing she cares in some weird twisted way. It's like she was born without a natural mechanism for simply saying I love you. Some argue that I am giving her too much credit, that I am in denial and can't accept what is obviously the truth.. she is just mean and twisted.

She has been dogging my poor daughter for 2 weeks now, shadowing her every move. She blows up my phone with details of supposed plans of my daughter's to meet her X - or re-attach to him, and it is quite frankly just wearing me out. My daughter thinks it is just my X's arcane way of trying to plant herself back into my life, and says my X doesn't care at all what is happening with her - it is all just a ploy.

Maybe she is right, but why do I pray so much that she is wrong, what is it in me that needs to believe my X is not that dreadful a person? Maybe it is just too hard for me to accept that I spent half a lifetime living with a monster.

This morning I woke to a fierce banging on my window, it was my X - demanding I buzz her in. Another 20 minutes of her ranting on about the fact I am blind to everything my daughter is "up too", and I am ordering her out of my apartment.

Sometimes, no matter how desperately you want things to work out, to JUST be alright, they never really will be. You would think given my vast experience with crazy, I would have learned that often crazy is forever.

Sometimes the cat really needs to just run the fuck away.

2005-10-27T17:38:00.000-04:00

Time
Sometimes.. when it all got too heavy, as a child I went to a place in my head, crawling up on the veranda of a huge old house in the middle of a field of tall grass and wildflowers. No matter where I was - sitting watching my mother knock back the valium with a tall glass of vodka - or listening to her and my father fight, It took me out of the frey to a place none of it could touch me.

That veranda got a lot of use over the years. I still go there.

I've talked about my suicide attempt(s) here before. Despair is a powerful moment, and when your in it, it can sweep you away. When I was a kid I always looked as suicide as a cowards way out, at 15 when my friend Danny killed himself in the garage of his mother's house, I was furious. How could he just give it all away? I never thought about the pain he must have been in inside. I wouldn't understand that for years.

What Danny didn't believe was that life could change, and that no matter how dark and desperate things get, there is always hope that tomorrow could change everything. Years later, I almost forgot that too. I lost my way to that house. It is hard to grasp sometimes, when what you see is your world crashing in around you.. the weight of things seems so great your heart will burst if you have to endure another minute.

Looking back now - I know what Danny felt, that despair.. I still feel it from time to time. Suicide is the end of hope for all time. The insidious thing about it is that you don't know when someone has given up hope. More often than not they conceal it well.

Life turns on a dime sometimes, and it may often take everything you have to hold on.. but if you do remarkable things can happen.

2005-10-22T08:46:00.000-04:00

BANG. 45

I love you guys.. you know who you are. I spent the first night of my birthday weekend good and smashed. No not because I was turning 45.. just checked the mirror that painting in the attic is still doing it's job hahah! Nnnooooo!! I was happily buzzing along down the left turn lane past the row of parked traffic to my right, when suddenly Evil Birthday Wreckerman (EBW) who is in his huge assed OJ sinister rolling roadblock (Ford Bronco) decides to make a last second pit stop at the party store and hooks a left from the right lane in front of me.

Given the fact he has done so not 20 feet in front of me and I am at a good 30 mile an hour roll I nailed him good, even after having locked up my wheels tires burning all the way (My ABS has been out since my X tried killing me) I SO HATE the sound of two vehicles connecting. He hobbles off to his destination (the party store) and I grind my poor smashed Exploder to a halt behind him.. I got out - took one look at my truck and the best I could come up with was "What the FUCK were you thinking???!!!" His reply "Come an man, you know you were coming too fast" I'm like oh hell no.

I then did what any REALLY upset queer does, having just pulled the full coverage off his beloved bright red baby, sat down back against a lightpole and cried. At this point EBW is worried - "Are you alright man?" he was clearly feeling the weight of his evil misdeed.. (as if) We trade info while the cops are coming which I have to tell you in the Detroit burbs during rush hour is a lot like waiting for stupidity to be cured.

I get back in my crumpled chariot - which now makes an utterly dreadful racket due to the new location of the bumper.. wrapped snugly around the right front tire. Then the tears really pour. I know it is really dumb but I love my truck, maybe because like me it has been beaten like no other and crawled back from the edge of oblivion..(This thing had survived three rollovers) maybe because of the blood sweat and tears I had in it, reviving it to put it back on the road. Maybe it's because it was all I had left when I rolled away from my X, almost like it was forged just for that job. Maybe it's because every guy I have ever dated hates it.. it is apparently de-classe to drive domestic. Or it could be the reality that I really did not need this.

So I rolled it into a parking space facing the field across from it's normal spot - poor baby didn't do anything but I just could not handle looking at it. I then toddled over to the local "I have wrecked my truck and had a REALLY really bad day" place, and proceded to get completely blitzed on Long Island Iced Teas. Somewhere along the line I took my last valium, and then came home and started drunk dialing the sparkly people while drinking pucker fuckers. OK I called my crunch because really, who else would listen to a drunken homo cry in his pucker fuckers?

I woke up the next day looking positively scary - quick shower and dark glasses, off to face the last few days of 44 quietly, it was a big year.

I cut a deal on a used Range Rover through a friend of mine,although I won't get it till next month. Oh I am still fixing my baby.. I can't just let it go, not like this. But it will take time and money - and I can barter my painting services against the price of the Rover. Ironically he is the same one that sold me the Exploder.. Maybe I should have the Pope sprinkle it with holy water before I drive it? Yeah that'll work.

Straight guys have been saying strange things to me all week.

There has to be some atrological anomaly taking place right now. I am back at my friends shop as of Monday, bailing him out on a custom finish. His guys are really the coolest, all supposedly straight but his painter, a married twinkish guy of 26, flirts with me like no other. "I missed seeing your hot ass here all the time" "Scott you have to quit wearing those jeans I won't get anything done" These are things every straight guy says right? Seriously, straight guys really are SO GAY!

The next day, the subject of my birthday came up.. my buddy can never keep his mouth shut, his other painter tells me that the 20 year old porter thought I was 25, hahaha - give that boy a FAT raise! And glasses. Wierder still,last night at the gym, the new trainer comes up and gets on the elliptical next to mine and says "Hello and how is Mr. Pitt this evening?" Funny how life strokes your ego when you least expect it... and probably most need it. Although that last one got me very flustered, the only other place I have ever been hit with a line like that was online, having already been approached twice in public as a result of my online shenanigans - I blushed and waited for the other shoe to drop - it never did.

I've heard other bloggers write about being approached publicly, and I always wondered what my reaction would be, thought for a second last night I was about to find out... I don't think I handled it very well, he followed me from point to point through my workout and at one point I was so distracted I actually forgot what year Jaguar Satan just acquired. But hey my head didn't explode, and truthfully it doesn't matter. Some strengths I am building have nothing to do with the gym.

I am apparently also the master of disheveled dating.. I have managed to make dates with 2 actors, both hot, both sweet and both here at the same time. This was not supposed to happen - how the hell did I know they were both in the same production!Gah!

Then if all of this wasn't too much already for my feeble mind to keep up on, there is an affair of the heart brewing on the other side of the continent with sweet "J", who is trapped in the middle of nowhere, and "P" has been hitting me up as fast as I can dodge him. His timing is as usual flawless, he crooks his finger and I always come running.. not this time. Once again running before he can run from me.

Dear gawd, I am the runaway boyfriend.

2005-10-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

23 Years of shit eating grins..

Happy Birthday Christopher!!

My youngest son is 23 today.. this one never fails to make me smile. Memories of him at the age of 5, he looked like a blond haired Cambodian, spindly little legs and arms with a little pot belly, every icecream he ate would be trailing down his belly and into his underwear. What seems to stick for me most, this boy had amazing comic timing, and the deepest raspy voice I have ever heard eek out of a five year old. Huge brown eyes that seemed to smile at you even when he was cross.. which was almost never.

In his Kindergarten play, he was a prairie creature. I had worked with him for weeks on his lines - he laughed at me every night, said it was a dumb play and there was no way he was going to do it. I of course explained that the universe would grind to a halt if he didn't do his part.. he laughed at me. *sigh*

So the day of the play comes along and he stands there on stage, silently grinning ear to ear, staring straight at me arms folded in defiance.. motionless. I gesture to him with my hands to speak - adding the evil shaking finger routine that NEVER works, he starts to mimic me - laughing all the while. I make a choking motion - as if to feign that if he does not do his part I will of course choke him - he gets a shit eating grin on his face and mimics that as well, for a second faking near death - adding a full body wreathing death.. and now he is giggling and snorting so hard, his 2 buddies next to him are no longer doing their parts but watching the two of us in the gesture battle.. this spreads down the row of prairie creatures like wildfire.. he has the entire audience roaring as well, although for a second they had no idea why, outside the sheer caustic laughter that Christopher was caught up in, that seemed to be taking over the scene. In seconds - their eyes followed his to me, and caught me doing the choking thing, at which point when Christopher sees that they have flat out busted me - he points at me - and the next thing I know he is literally rolling on the stage in laughter.... Seriously - at this point I was in tears I was laughing so hard.. luckily so was the audience. I worship this kid.. That was actually the highlight of the play that year - even his teacher gave it 2 thumbs up.

A scrapper with "David Spade" humor and a bull headed, determined, nature that even makes me cringe. Right from the start this one had to be different, in kindergarten he insisted that since I cut his older brother Ryan's hair in mini blinds - (lol shuddup) that he HAD to have the "Batman" insignia shaved into the sides of his head.. well - his hair was so blonde in order for it to show up I had to color it in with marker! Hahhaha!

He was positively beaming when he got to school that day, my job as super cool Dad was done. Then I got a call at work from the principal, asking that I please NEVER color his head again.. seems the rest of the class thought it was cool too and decided to try it out themselves.. oof.

This one was my sidekick through many a side job, one summer, he couldn't have been more than 6, I was doing a 66 T-bird- going hard custom for a European tour, shaved door handles & locks, yadda yadda yadda - he sat beside me the whole time, sneaking the used sand paper and sanding down an old bike frame that had been sitting on the side of the garage for years. The kid had that thing looking like a Delorean - there wasn't a fleck of paint or rust anywhere.

When we went to paint it I ordered him his own little respirator, hung the bike from a tree, put my paint gun in his hand and picked him up so he could reach it to paint it- Porsche Red. Of course once he went in to clean up I finished it in a little.. I took him to Toys R Us and he picked out a Zebra skin seat and pads, chopper style hand grips, and mud tires.. this bike cost me a fortune, but the look on his face was worth every cent.

This one.. always pushing the envelope, setting things on fire, you know the usual kid stuff. The little league games with ice fights in the hotel rooms at the away games, his 93 Probe that used to throw up a smoke screen that James Bond would have envied, the occasional "mooning" of the wretched neighbor lady across the street.. and the most disgusting farts in human history, visited on the unsuspecting house guests (his 6 buddies)- touching off wrestling matches that destroyed 2 livingroom sets and a fortune in crystal by the time he graduated..

At 23, still beside me.. he's been working out with me at the gym the past few weeks, getting over a split with a girl he was with for the past 3 years, one who was WAY too much like the gal that married dear old Dad. Still the same tenacity - the same wry humor, and thanks to the protein shakes - farts that have exceeded the state's safe allowable methane limits. He is intent to catch up to me, and I have no doubt he will. When I look at him, listen to him.. I am somehow reassured that I really did do it right.

When he hugs me goodbye every night I am sure I did.

So Happy Birthday son, I am so proud to be your Dad.

2005-09-29T11:02:00.000-04:00

Fashion forward...

You just have to love Dolce & Gabanna...

Fashion may elude me from time to time.. I totally don't get the whole "Annie Hall on a shortbus" look that some designers are running with this season, but dayum, nothing like a nice pair of ... jeans.

2005-09-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

Wake me up when September ends..

Part of growth is learning what to leave behind. This would seemingly be an easy task, nobody would deliberatly carry around things that hurt them. Yet I have.. and it sometimes wears me out trying to figure out how to put it all away, maybe I never will.

I look back over the past few years, and there are so many things I am dragging along behind me it has really been bittersweet. I have found so many new friends, had so many things to be really thankfull for. There are times when I think it would be great to have someone erase my memory.. just to make things less crowded in my head, and other times when even painfull memories serve to remind me how really precious it has all been.

I've spoken briefly about one of those memories here from time to time, but never really went in depth because just the thought would make me cry. Still, every year as the colors in the leaves here begin to change it rushes back to me.

At 12:34 PM September 12th, 2000, my daughter Sabrina was born. I saw her for all of 30 seconds before the NICU team descended to wrap her in life support.. She was the single most beautiful thing I have seen in my life, before or since that 30 seconds.

For days before she arrived the members of the NICU were in and out of the suite my X occupied - laying in decline, saturated with drugs and steroids to build the baby's lungs and keep her from going in to labor - because every day counted. By the time she was born my X had been on the drugs for 3 days.

Three days was plenty of time to reflect on the events that lead us to that moment.. from the time she told me she was pregnant, my anger and resentment was extreme. I was convinced that this child was her bf's as she and I had not had sex but one drunken night after attending a wedding 5 months prior. I was certain I was not the father.

My daughter was only 11 at the time, and the idea of putting her through the humiliation of even the notion that my X was unfaithful, let alone the reality, was more than I could wrap my mind around. With all that had taken place, and at that time my X's affair had trailed on for more than 5 years, I managed to keep my daughter from ever having known about it.

Things were at an all time height of stress between us at that point, my X had been a very busy girl for months, she had been funneling money out of my accounts well into the near 6 figure range, hiding bank statements, hiding unpaid bills, and generally constructing the end of our relationship. My business had taken off, I was up to my pits in work and oblivious to what she had been up too. It all came to a head at the photography studio my youngest son had his senior pictures done at.

He was supposed to pick them up, and I got a call from him telling me that the check I had sent the week prior had bounced.. which was preposterous given the money that was in the account.. or so I thought. I told him to go home, that I would pick them up. That touched off a sequence of events, hours on the phone with my bank, my attorney, and ultimately wrapped in the lobby of the photography studio. I was livid.. the amounts were staggering, I went down to pay off the pictures. I remember picturing my hands around my X's throat.

On the drive to the gallery I had plenty of time to relive the past few years.. the thought she had once again pushed the level of betrayal to a new high made me want to just explode. I phoned my attorney enroute and told him to draft separation papers, called my secretary and told her to reschedule everything for the next few days.. it was over, this was it.

I got to the counter at the gallery and paid the invoice, standing there looking at the happy faces that adorned the walls was enough to make me want to vomit. My mind shifted to every picture I posed for with "N" over the time since the affair started - the plastic smile I had formulated to cover the humiliation.. I wondered how many of those portraits on the wall were real.

While I was waiting, I saw the reflection of "N's" car pulling up outside.. I seriously thought I was going to have a stroke my blood pressure spiked so fast. She ambled in the door all pie eyed and innocent, like a thousand times before. She put her hand on my waist and I pulled away and glared at her.. "You need to leave here before I say something evil that will embarrass us both." I said in a very restrained tone.. "What?" was her reply. I snapped. "Listen very closely, because I won't be repeating myself.. get out of here - go home and pack your things, it was bad enough that you have been fucking him for the past 5 years, but now you've brought him home, you've embarrassed our son, you've robbed me for the last time.. get out of here now before I make a scene you will never forget." She looked down at the ground, and went out the door.

The girl handed me the envelope and receipt - I was shaking I was so furious. When I got out the door my X motioned me over to her car.. "Get in and talk to me - then I will leave or do whatever you want." I got in. I don't even remember what the preamble was.. she was talking but it was as if the blood rushing to my head had deafened me. Then came the words "I'm pregnant." I just exploded.. "You fucking SLUT! You can't be serious! And what I am supposed to believe this is mine??!!" It must have been loud - people were staring..

What followed was an hour long argument on her part insisting that it was mine, that she hadn't been seeing him at the time that the baby was conceived - it fell on deaf ears. The money. She tried to argue she had helped her Mother out who had fallen behind on her Mortgage.. Yawed, yadda, yadda. This would later prove to be the absolute bullshit I suspected it was - I had been playing sugar daddy to her bf.

I left there that day and drove straight to my Father's - I was just out of my head, and for some silly reason I thought I needed him. He was as usual worried about appearances, and insisted I think before throwing her to the curb. Later that night I went to the Park I used to go to as a kid.. still that little kid - I got very drunk, cursed God, and demanded he strike both my X and this child dead. I was mad at the world..

That night I ordered her out of our room.. barfed all over the bathroom and fell asleep at the foot of my bed. We didn't speak for weeks. I was thoroughly convinced she had done this on purpose hoping to guaranty she would hold on to me indefinitely. I worked well into the night at the shop to avoid seeing her at all. A month later she demands to know what I want her to do.. somewhat stupified at the implications - I told her she had better plan on raising this one alone if a paternity test did not guaranty I was the father. Then came the task of telling everyone she was pregnant.. keep in mind we were 40, and even in optimal circumstances this would be at best shocking for most who knew us - let alone the kids.

My sons were grossed out by the prospect we had sex - my daughter cried because she was no longer going to be the baby - then flipped to ecstatic because she would finally be a big sister.. the peripheral shock was as expected. When people conceive that late in the game it is always pretty well understood that it wasn't intentional, and congratulate with sympathy.

On the surface it was all about trying to make it ok with everyone around us.. all the while the specter of what it really was loomed between us - it was an exhausting experience. I of course insisted on an Amniocentesis as soon as it was possible - intent that I was not going to go forth for one second longer than I had to with the entire charade if the child were not mine.

A day after the amnio, I came home to her in labor. The hospital near our home was not equipped, and they sent her by ambulance to Uof M. The things that cross your mind when tailing an ambulance at 2 in the AM at high speed, I of course shifted back in time to that night in the park.. guilt running amuk.

While they were getting her processed at the hospital, the liason from NICU took me to the ward. They do go to shocking extremes to prepare you.. what is most surprising is that as blunt and informational as they are.. you just can't possibly be prepared for it... words don't exist in the english dialect.

We filed past a dozen incubators, parents standing vigil beside them, she took me to an infant that was to be about the age my daughter was - 25 to 26 weeks. The sight of a baby that tiny... I couldn't stop the tears, I stood there listening as they explained it all. The nurses last words were that I needed to prepare myself for the worst roller coaster ride I would ever be on. That description while somewhat accurate doesn't even scratch the surface.

Flash forward to that 30 seconds seeing her for the first time.. She was under her own power - but they said that would be fleeting and lead me out of the prep room as the team descended on her to put her on support.

Everything else fades away in the moment - you see just how amazing and fragile life is and it takes your breath away.

It was more than an hour before they had her ready to greet the world.. you file past the parents and visitors huddled round the other babies - causes that take on lives of their own. And there you are at the foot of her bed, an open layette with lamps to keep her warm, the tubes seem to overwhelm her, at 1 lb 7 oz. she nearly fits in my hand.

They encourage you to gently touch her - she needs to know you are there, you put your finger tip in her hand, which is barely big enough to wrap her tiny fingers around - yet she grabs it.. there you are, she trembles a second.. you stroke her hair she raises her eyebrows fighting to get them opened.. that won't happen yet. When it hit me I just stood there speechless, tears running down my face.. trembling like I had touched the face of God.

What followed would be days of seconds like that.. and when your there, you are litterally living moment to moment.

You get to know the parents of the other babies of course, each day we would be gathering in the waiting room, discussing progress - sniping about this nurse or that doctor, praising others. Every day new faces would be added.. then some days there were faces missing.. a silence would fall among us when we all realized why. We all took turns with the day to day crisis, each knowing that 10 minutes could bring us a new one.

Sabrina was thriving at first, she was strong, and a fighter.. then one day seemingly out of nowhere things changed, she was attacked by a terrible staff infection, blistered from the top of her shoulders to her rear. It looked a lot like a third degree burn, the whole thing broke out in a matter of hours.

The next few days were spent watching doctors fight to stop this.. and it seemed we were winning, she improved, still in the days that followed went through a lot of agony. There were so many moments I wondered if it were fair to put her through all this. Had this been years ago.. none of this would be happening, yet you trust the ones who know best.

Friends and family came and went, my daughter Tiffany was 11 at the time, and would sit at her bedside doing her homework. I tried to get her to stay home but she was insistent she wanted to be part of it. I had serious issues with that, and later restricted her to weekends.. but there was no protecting someone from loving.

Each day brought new challenges and hurdles, so many complications for babies born too young. She opened her eyes for the first time when she was 2 weeks old, she looked so startled.. the menagerie of tubes and hoses must have frightened her.. I was just awestruck she was so alert.. so hard not to hold her. Her Layette was covered in tiny stuffed animals and family pictures, she must have thought she was born to circus folk.

She had become somewhat of a cause celeb among the doctors - seemingly she had none of the normal laundry list of super preemie babies, things like lung ailments and eye bleeds, signs of brain deficiency were non existent, there was so much hope that while she would always struggle, she would be fine.

We left for one night.. the following morning came a call from a nurse who's trembling voice shook me to the core, "We need you to come down here right away." My heart sank, I asked her why, she said there had been some problems while trying to change the dressing that held her respirator. She wouldn't tell me what. I got ticketed for 115 mph in the 70, as politely as I could muster - I told the trouper he had best follow me and just keep fucking writing.

When we got there the news was pretty horrible, the infection that had the third degree burn like effect had returned beneath the tape that held her respirator, when they removed it the adhesive had taken a layer of her skin over her lip with it. I was furious, as I had been bitching about the tape for more than a week to deaf ears, but it is all academic once faced with what had to be dealt with, at that point they had to fabricate devices to hold her still and keep the breathing tube stationary.

The following days would see the infection returning across her back with a vengeance, and just when it seemed things were turning around again came the blow that her heart was in trouble - a tube that was supposed to close itself off days after she was born was opened and had to be surgically closed. It took 48 hours to find a cardio thoracic surgeon who would risk the surgery while she was still infected, there was no time to clear up the infection.

Doctors were consulted from as far away as Johns Hopkins, when finally a surgeon stepped up. We spent the 6 hours she was in surgery in seclusion, they had a suite just for such things. In the suite was a hot line where the surgical staff would call in and give us the progress reports, I have to say these people were as thoughtful as any medical professionals I have ever encountered. But there is just nothing that can make you at ease until it is over and you hear the word success.

When the surgeon called I about jumped out of my skin - the silence was deafening up until that second, "She came through it splendidly" is about all I remember of the conversation - half an hour later they came to the suite to visit us and reassure us it was fine - they were really amazing people, and you had to respect them for what they did.. walking where angels fear to tread every day.

The days that followed saw some major improvements, her stats seemed to get exponentially stronger with every hour. The infection was seemingly under control, and for 5 days life was sweet.

But in that time, we said goodbye to three other babies and their parents, I cant put into words how raw the emotions get.. you feel this bond - I guess drawn by the very experience, and when they suffer a loss you feel it like a bullet sailing past your face.

Then day 6 after the operation came the news that the infection had gone active again. At this point having been back and forth with it - I guess I figured it would work itself out, still I had to leave the room, head to the parking deck - a place I had turned to for quiet, dropping to my knees and swearing on all that was holy that I would live the rest of my life as a choir boy if God would just get us through this.
By the start of Sabrina's 28th day it was clear to me that God had little to do with what was happening.

She had struggled at that point for 3 days with the infection - it had gone to her arterial system via the wound from the heart operation.. we were loosing. All the nutrition from the IV's was bleeding through the walls of her veins - the infection had begun to ravage her from inside now. Her kidneys had stopped functioning, and the doctors called us to a meeting.

At the very start - they tell you if there comes a point where things just look too hard to win - they will give you the option of discontinuing the efforts.. this was that point. I just couldn't accept it, she was still fighting. I asked if they felt it cruel to continue - they insisted no - yet said that if things continued to deteriorate that we should start considering "it". In hindsight this was the team getting us ready.

An hour later, we were met at the foot of her bed by the Doctor who had overseen her for most of the time she was there, she asked for permission to try one more round of high dose dopamine to get her kidneys going, I immediately said yes - my X said wait, what will this entail? At this point her IV's had failed one after another. The doctor explained it would involve another surgery called a "Cut in" because they would have to have a hearty vein in order for the round to work, this would pose even more risks as well and she might not even survive the process.

My X reared back on her heels and said "No." I looked at her incredulously, and we began to argue.. all the while I had waited for Sabrina to give me some sign - any sign that told me she was just too tired to go on. My X argued that what they were proposing was cruel, and that she had enough.. I countered that until I saw some sign that she was giving up I owed her every chance.. And then it happened. Sabrina coded as we stood there arguing.. the doctors pushed us back and immediately started to resuscitate her, my X grabbed my arms and said "Scott, it's time, stop them.. you were looking for a sign - she just gave it to you, she is tired, you have to let her go."

I looked past her at the team that had descended on her - her arms and legs flailing helplessly when they jolted her.. and the word "Stop!" came out.. I heard it - ..it came from me. They turned towards me and a nurse stepped away towards me and said "Are you sure?" I shook my head.. I was sobbing too hard to talk - they continued and I hollered this time "Stop.. PLEASE just stop" Even with all the furor, they heard me the second time.. all the sound left the room, things went to slow motion, it was all almost other worldly..I felt myself slumping to the floor, tears blinding me, I couldn't stop shaking , "Are you sure?", the doctor grabbed my arms, "Are you sure?" "YES, just stop..

It was too late they had already resuscitated her.. the doctor said, "We can disconnect support, make her comfortable, it will be ok." I remember thinking how odd it was to use the word OK. The doctor asked if one of us wanted to hold her while she went.. My X just said "I can't", and she grabbed my face and said "You have to do this.. Scott you can't let her go alone." I shook my head and they put her in my arms. I could scarcely see her - the tears just wouldn't stop.. She passed away in my arms half an hour later. For me, for the longest time, hope died with her.

The second hardest moment was telling my daughter.. I wished with all my heart I hadn't let her get so close.. I remember every second of the conversation yet I can't bring myself to write the words, I felt I had failed her in the worst way... The days that followed, the funeral, all of it a blur.

After the funeral service, an older gentleman, one of the church deacons, approached me at the church - he hugged me and said he had lost his little boy the same way more than 40 years ago, his eyes welled with tears, "You never really forget it."

He was right.. you really never do.

2005-09-06T14:47:00.000-04:00

I am such a floozy. No really. I have reached the point of sexual overload that I can flirt without effort and in fact now seem to do it without realizing. Is this how Heidi Fliess got her start? My regular gym is closed this week so I have been going to my backup gym.. shuddup - act like you don't have one.

Anyhoe - my backup gym is way cruizier (is that a word?) than the regular place, and if a guy is looking at me there chances are good he is "lookin" and not just checking out my form. Hot. Not that I don't adore the straight boys I work out with, they have all become great friends - but it is a pleasant change to be openly checked out by guys who wanna.. hahahhah!! OK now THAT was really gay.

Been chatting it up with "S" all week about the next date and propposed hotel gymnastics (YAY) - "P" seemed to have left me on the back burner.. not to be ignored I sent him a message" Don't you ever miss me?" (Needy I know but wtf) then he hits me up and tells me he loves waking up to my scent on his sheets in the morning. What the hell is that. One minute I get the feeling it could be more and just when I am ready to say the words he dissapears to Chicago, or Dallas, or (your city here).. Guys are such ass hats.

If all this wasn't campy enough I haven't given up Manhunt.

My X met the kids and I for breakfast this morning and this came over the radio..

What happened to the world we knew
When we would dream and scheme
And while the time away
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Where did it go that yester glow
When we could feel
The wheel of life turn our way
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
I had a dream so did you
life was warm and love was true
Two kids who followed all the rules
Yester fools and now
Now it seems those yester dreams
Were just a cruel
And foolish game we used to play
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
When I recall what we had
I feel lost I feel sad with nothing but
The memory of yester love and now
Now it seems those yester dreams
Were just a cruel
And foolish game we had to play
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
Sing with me
Yesterme yesteryou yesterday
One more time.....

Funny.. that song never choked me up before.. I had to get up and leave the table.

I know it's silly but there are times when I still wonder if I did the right thing.. not for me but for the kids. I don't think there is a parent alive that didn't want that stupid Ward and June Cleaver picture for their kids. Damned sitcoms.

Then at the same time I am just as sure I would have died.

I'll be away for a while.. you kids play nice.

2005-09-03T09:14:00.000-04:00

2 in a row

A new record for me.. Don't think I went all high browed, this post really started to be about what a scantless flirt I am.. but that still doesn't feel right at this time.

I'm watching the world news this morning and I see where there are people in countries all over in shock that we were not better prepared for this. I hope they are taking notes.. Mother nature does not really give a shit that you are a super power.

Save the critiques.. get your silly asses over here and help.

The criticisms will no doubt be endless as this wears on.. this thing landed with nuclear bomb like vengeance. People may have pictured the possibilities but I doubt you could ever be fully prepared for something like this.

It's 56 degrees out this morning, and I am watching the neighbor outside my apartment window smacking his air conditioner because no doubt it is not cooling his apartment.. idiot, shut it off and open the windows. My mind flips back to these people huddled en-mass, looking out at what could takes years to put back together.. it makes my heart sink.

This country has rushed to the aid of virtually every country on the face of this planet, sacrificing, persevering, comforting, and rebuilding. We will do the same here, because it's what we do best. What makes this country great is not it's guns. It's the fierce hearts that beat in unison, the open arms that reach down to lift them up, the determination to come back stronger and better than ever. There will be tears along the way, huge obstacles that will test us.

Trust, in the end, you'll see why we are truly the greatest nation in the world.

2005-09-01T11:10:00.000-04:00

America at it's best

I usually shy away from posting anything of any real contributory content.. there are so many others that do that better than I. But my thoughts have been with the victims of Katrina, I can't even wrap my mind around the sight of New Orleans under water, let alone the lives swept away.

But it's times like this when I am proudest to be American, because we take care of our own in the face of disasters like this like no other. There are certainly going to be people grousing at the price of fuel, and other hikes that will arise from this, but I find it hard to complain when I think of the lives that have been devastated by this. Hardship at the pump seems so trite by comparison, and I find it a bit disturbing that it is getting almost equal coverage.

Not to say it is unimportant, but really, people of the media - (not that any of them are reading here), wake the hell up and let's concentrate on the humans first.. there is plenty of time for wailing about spilled crude later. I was listening to the radio this morning and there are people who are still in New Orleans who because of lack of phone service and less than accurate reporting are still sitting there as if this thing is going to be fixed by Monday. Even with the full financial support of the federal reserve this is going to be daunting, the frustration level is going to be force 10.

Still.. those who can will do - those who can't, kindly remember that if you are going home to your family intact and healthy you are a far cry more fortunate that many.

2005-08-28T10:42:00.000-04:00

The drive.

I couldn't help but giggle a bit when I was driving up to meet "S", having read Toby's recent posts, I think we all want to kill Bill once in a while.. Barreling down the highway Friday night wind in my hair, radio blaring, soft lights of the dash, and pornographic thoughts causing a slight grin at the corner of my mouth.. couldn't help but think to myself - if I am driving far enough to loose radio contact this better be bloody sublime..

If you recall I had to cancel a date last week.. this was the outcome. I stepped into the accelerator, late as usual - he phoned and we were both running about the same time wise. He sounded so hot over the phone.. OH LOOK - a cop! I hate that feeling you get when blasting past them 20 miles over the speed limit.. and it's even worse when you see them pull out behind you seconds later.. Bastards. Looking up at the unpaid ticket I got 2 weeks ago I just cringed and waited. He blew past me - and I pictured the evil giggle he no doubt had while doing it. Fucker.

I don't normally consider guys that involve distance but this one made me blink.. dinner and a movie.. hehehe ok. We're blabbing on the cell when I pull up on him at the theater.. he is all that. Get the tickets to a late night screening of "Must love Dogs", and head to Logans across the lot for a quick bite and get acquainted.. these college boys are going to be the end of me.

Something about us definitely clicked.. he had a very Ryan Cabrera look to his face, taller and leaner, but definitely well worth the drive. We sat there and checked out some of the waiters.. definitely some hot "bois" hehehe. The movie was fun.. we were literally the only 2 people in the theater.. I heart Imax. We actually watch most of the movie.. Diane Lane is a funny bitch when she puts her mind to it. By the time the credits were rolling so were we.. I'll have to rent it on video to see how it ended.

Hotel rooms are engineered for fucking hot sex..... anyone doing a blacklight check of that room will leave some major questions should anyone ever do something so silly.

I woke up way late Saturday morning.. my message Q was flashing and my cell was almost dead.. Ugh.. no time to shower - I brush the teeth quick, plant one on the hottie as I press my half of the room fee in his hand - we giggle about what a hooker he looks like, even with morning breath his kisses are hot. If it weren't for the fact I broke his poor body before passing out at almost 5 am I would totally have thrown him on the floor and finished off that room. *sigh* Really, I was the one who looked like a hooker.. pillow hair, 5 o'clock shadow, something sticky here n there.. hahahhaah.

It is hard to speed on the way home.. my cruise control hasn't worked since the X ran me off the road, and my legs were weak. Seriously. Unlike Toby.. this is a trip I will no doubt make every chance I get.

And I owe it all to you guys
Ya'll keep me going.

I have reconciled myself to the idea that sometimes there just aren't any easy answers... just more questions.

2005-08-23T18:33:00.000-04:00

Nowhere to hide.

Groundhog day. Ever see the movie?

If the whole Manhunt thing hadn't run it's course the following events have certainly tainted things to the extent it is just silly. I'll be on there long enough to copy some numbers I don't want to loose get a few alternate email addys because there actually were some guys that I simply enjoyed chatting with on there.. but trust this chapter is closed.

Really in light of the following I will be puting a hold on everything.

I'm talking to my X on about some "Issues" regarding our daughter, she is in my face about my going out.. and I am on her case because she has still not tempted counseling with her - the relaitionship between them has been fire and gasoline. Her reply was that there wasn't time. She procedes to tell me that she has breast cancer and that she is terminal.

Those who were reading before I had to pull the blog the last time will recall she had eluded to this months ago but never came right out and said it. Given her history of insanely convincing fabrication my initial instict was that she was lying and trying to gain my sympathies - then at the same time imagining the bitter irony if these things she were telling me were true. Certainly everyone is well versed with the little boy who cried wolf.

So I sit there half stunned, half horrified. OK, more horrified.. by the idea that she would stoop to this, and a little sickened at the idea that I was probably correct in my initial suspiscion - yet saddened by the thought that if what she was saying was true she was facing a lonely finish. This is just twisted. I couldn't help but toss the fake pregnancy at her and she persisted that she had learned her lesson and that no, she was not lying this time. But still.. her lips are moving.

So then she goes on to rant some more about my dating habbits and tells me that she is actively seeking my new companion.. before I could stop myself "what?" just came spilling out. She goes on to tell me that she has logged into these dating services using faked profiles, chatting with various people and telling them she has been with me - that I am this that and the other thing, and that they should hit me up..

Utterly speachless for a second - she goes on to tell me that she knows what I think I want but that she knows what I need and she intends to see to it that her daughter is taken care of after she is gone. The whole while she is talking my head flips back to "RG" - that was just too weird.. coupled with a raft of random mental thoughts of strangling her where she sat. There is no reasoning, and she persists she is sincere.. Kill me now.

I tell her that I took my system in to have it checked and she laughs - "Go get a new computer for all I care, change your passwords, change your screen names, it won't do you any good." So this has to be some IP tracking system? PS.. nothing in my system, and she also picked up the activity when I was using my work laptop during the time my system was in the shop. SO - FL John.. you were on the money. I ran the adaware and they did it at the shop as well - this must be some slick technology because it hasn't as much as slowed her down.

If all of this wasn't creepy enough - she goes on to tell me she is paying to have me watched, placing people within feet of me. She goes on to describe a rather unique style of crunch I do at the gym.. and how this person who is watching me thinks I am "smokin" - then goes on to detail my every movement for the past 2 weeks, the events, the people, places, what I was wearing right down to my scent. Things I have detailed nowhere.

OK now if the idea of someone standing behind me at a club watching my every move is not disturbing enough - add to this the idea that I have no idea what type of person this is, or what their own agenda might be, she tells me the individual{s} are gay, and are watching to ensure I don't get hurt, or "taken advantage" of. I cant even wrap my mind around this.

She cries when she says that she knows what her insane behavior has done to me, I cry because she really truly has no clue. She cries when she says that she knows I will never be "with" her again, I cry because I really never should have been. She cries when she insists that she can't live without me in her world, I cry because even though I REALLY shouldn't care I do - and I am afraid that could be true. She cries when she swears that she means me no harm, I cry because harm is all I can remember, and all I ever walk away with. She cries when she tells me she only wants me to be happy, I cry because I just don't see a chance that will ever happen.

I cry at the idea that none of this will ever end... it's really all just too messed up.

2005-08-20T23:05:00.000-04:00

When the Hunter becomes the Hunted.
"N" - or my married hottie.. not to be confused with "N" my X lol. Shuddup.
Anyho - "N" calls me the other day.. see the backstory with him is that he was already involved with another guy (another total hottie) that involved an impossible situation.. one more challenged in moral principle than anything. But still, one that would allow him the luxury of keeping his wife and kids, and having his man on the side. Given the fact that he and I have merely exchanged pics and emails, spoken on the phone.. you wouldn't think the attachment would be huge. But still there was something about him.

His dilemma was put to an end by choice and the two of them were over.. but then his x lover made an impassioned plea, followed by some artfull professional manipulation that will place him in the same city/hotel/presumably bed, next week. He called me for advice.. not easy to give when I had my own desires and agenda with him. But damned if I didn't set them aside.

You see real love is very hard to find.. nobody knows this better than I do. As much as I wanted to give him a tumble - he really had already given his heart and I knew it. I've lived long enough to know that love is a precious thing and it won't always come to you on your terms, there may be tolls that are paid to hold onto it.

Good luck sweet man.. be happy. I'll be thinking of you.

I cancelled plans to attend a White Party last night in A2, just wasn't in the party mood. Enter Rich guy - "RG". The man is 50 and self described as very good looking yet no pic. He shoots me a message saying he can "well afford" to bring me to him.. OK so I figure this is my X, this is so the kind of shit she would pull. I write him back telling him as much.. he persists he is not and fires me his phone number which I sit on till the next day. I call him and he seemed nice enough, although the fact that he screwed a well known designer in the basement of "54" made it into the conversation, which I have to say I really didn't need to know.

He invites me to a party at 555, a high end high rise in Birmingham. I accept the invitation and I was supposed to call him back. That afternoon after getting rear ended by an Arab Princess in a 3 day old Z4, waiting for the tow truck to arrive to pry our vehicles apart, necessitating the cancellation of yet another date with a sweet guy I really wanted to meet. I reconsidered the entire thing with "RG".

While standing in the rain, because the 17 year old princess got out of her car and was about to get hit whilst trying to see the damage, I got out of mine to usher the dizzy bitch back to her seat, and managed to lock myself out of my truck with my cellphone and keys inside it. *sigh* It occurs to me "RG" wants something I may not be ready to give.. I think everyone secretly wants that "Pretty Woman" ending, but I just sent him my regrets, something I seem to do a lot lately. Maybe I think too much.

I've been chatting with lot of hotties online .. seemingly I would have no life at all if not for this computer. Something in me won't let me stop running.

I spend way too much time on Manhunt. Shuddup.

2005-08-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes songs just say it better.

Simple plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold on
On to a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

listen

2005-08-13T14:11:00.000-04:00

The trouble with 10's

The book of 10.I've talked about it here, that mental black book that contains all my secrets. "C" was straight from chapter one, smooth swimmer build, scruffy boy hot, and a sort of surety about him that just turned me on. I met him at his loft, bottle(s) of wine in hand.. the guy had it goin on.

His place was very artsy, and totally him. Decked in candles, and everything done to perfection. We talked for a while.. ok he talked, and I just sort of took him in, watching his face, his mouth.. there was this unassuming sweetness about him... they say you can't go back, but he was taking me there. When I finally leaned in to kiss him it was instantly electric.

Something in me was propelled back in time to that guy that I was all those years ago, praying inside for a moment like this, knowing it would never come. laying there behind him my arms wrapped around him tight.. I didn't let him see, just laid there smelling his hair and utterly caught in the moment. It took me a minute to realize I had tears coming, and no idea why. He would have thought I was crazy.. then I realized he was so that guy in chapter one, the one I would have sold my soul for just to have this moment. He never had a face, never had a name.. just this imaginary guy, pieces of every guy that ever made me wish that I were free.

He reached right through me, never intending to. I laid there in the dim light struggling to catch my breath, confused by this thing that just knocked me down, afraid to take my arms off him and literally shaking from the experience. He laid there oblivious.. starting to roll back towards me I held him tighter for a moment.. not wanting him to see.

It wasn't love.. it was more spiritual as corny as that sounds, like something in him unwittingly just reached back and set that lonely boy free. It was in a sort of daze trying to figure it out on the way home that night.. my exploits while they may not be many never affected me this way.. after the cop pulled me over for blowing the redlight I came back to earth. Yet the following day I couldn't get him off my mind.

I TM'd him in what can only be described as random acts of stupidity, a writer at his worst lol, and he most certainly thinks I am quite insane. *sigh* Ever write something lame and just compound it trying to correct it? LOL .. shuddup.

I wanted to explain it to him.. but there just aren't words and I am not even sure I understand it. I wanted to see him again.. but well see. Sometimes when you blow it that's just where it stops.

And meanwhile

Another week of crazy. They say if it doesn't kill you it can only make you stronger.. spoken like true idiots. Sometimes if it doesn't kill you it just leaves you wishing you were dead. I'm cutting contact with my X for a while, I'm more sure than ever that even if she was sincere this is just going to wind up with me in the crossfire again. She swears to have my best interests at heart but then never misses an opportunity to make me feel like shit.

She called me at 12:30 AM Saturday night to let me know someone was trying to access my information - which granted was sort of disconcerting, but more disturbing still was the idea that she has some sort of program on her system that is reporting ANYTHING remotely linked to me.. I met her Sunday morning for breakfast to discuss this reasonably.. omg just kill me now.

The conversation went on over the number of online services I have, screenames, people who messaged me, what they said.. I am astounded. For one who claims to be illiterate computer wise she has well exceeded my abilities to figure out why. If she really wanted me back these things can only serve to hurt her. She persists that she is trying to protect me.. then throws details of my would be dangerous liaisons in my face.

I've worked way too hard to feel good about myself again to continue subjecting myself to this.

And then there is "N"

This guy is hot.. take the sculpture of "David" ahead a few years, more mature.. hella sexy, and very married. Yes I know, and yet as I have said before I never listen to me. My common sense says leave this poor guy alone.. and yet when he calls I cant hang up.. he is charismatic, sexy, funny, sexy, sincere, sexy, somewhat lost and did I mention sexy? I can't be the reason he leaves his wife - yet I know if he crooked his finger I would likely run to him.

I think I have reached a place where my heart is just way too close to the surface.. and I am in need of time to sort this all out and yet I can't step back for fear I'll be lost forever again. Yes I know - moronic.

2005-08-01T08:45:00.000-04:00

And you knew it would

Bouncing along.. back to work with Satan in a week that can only be described as life in motion, or commotion depending upon what fresh hell the day brings. I used to love my work.. I'm finding it isn't enough for me these days and that has me very bugged. I think it is high time I stretch my horizons. It's like something is pulling me, but to where I haven't the foggiest.

My online "hunt" for Med boy's replacement has yielded some interesting prospects - to include one rather strange would be wealthy X NY model who hit me up then asked that I meet his X bf and get naked so he could see whether he thought I was his "type". HAHAHA! Out of morbid curiosity I played along with his little game until at one point he said something to the effect - "just think of it as going to the doctor".. I guess there really are all kinds, and I strongly suspect this guy is in the future Ted Bundy class.

My X has been running heavy interference.. bitch if you are reading this - mind ya own. The other day she recited a segment of an instant message - guys this is getting very bizarre, how is it possible for her to get this? She called me last night trying to load a "Movie" into her laptop - at one point out of shear stupidity I asked her what she was trying to watch.. Lord. Gay porn.

I had a couple little hotties cruisin me at the gym yesterday.. that was fun, I do love flirting. Funny - the less manicured I look the more they seem to like it - yesterday I was in the "wtf" mode and went to the gym unshowered/shaved with a kinda Billy Idol hair thing goin on.. It happens when product lets go on the E-way with the windows down and the sunroof opened lol. *sigh* They were really cute..

I spent the weekend online and out and about.. didn't meet anyone, didn't feel like it. Something is building with "P" and I and it has me by the short hairs. I'm afraid to put it into words with him, afraid to get shot down. Despite how it may look here once in a while my ego has the consistency of crystal, easily shattered.

It's the dreaded Monday and in celebration of this I was supposed to meet a hottie for a nooner.. but I just cancelled. I must be coming down with something.. dear LORD.. DON'T LET IT BE MORALS.

2005-07-24T18:08:00.000-04:00

Top o the world Ma!
Every gay man should have at least one Med boy.. I've been auditioning his replacement(s) hehehhe. Although I have to tell ya'll it is hard to replace a guy that looks like Paul Walker and tumbles in bed like WCB.. *sigh*

It's been hot as hell here..

2005-07-17T11:04:00.000-04:00

Selling ones soul.
In the midst of my despair,I sold my soul back to Satan.. knowing I will hate myself for it later. Given my options it was the least of the evils. I am now his personal toy, to torture and confound with random acts of stupidity for the next several months. Just shoot me.. do it now. I hate this. No really.

On the up side I am guaranteed a cool place in hell.

I'm trying to keep up on my links, this week - traveling at the speed of light.. I'ts Miss Yaz! Angelina Jolie meets Salma Hayek! Seriously. I have ratted out all the sweet straight boys, who are all going to be acting like retards until they are at least 35. She has your ID.. when she comes your way just surrender.

My X has been really jammin me up lately.. I think I liked it better when she was hostile.. at least I had a view I could trust then. Leopards don't change their spots, all this sudden nice on her part makes me very uneasy. I've given Yaz advice that I should be taking.. always ALWAYS trust your insticts. My insticts are telling me I am being manipulated, and that there is something very dark afoot. I'm feeling like a puppet right now.

2005-07-09T22:50:00.000-04:00

To a special guy during one of life's difficult goodbyes, I send my heartfelt condolences.

The next big twist
Just when you think you have things figured out.. my X has an amazing ability to shock and surprise even me. A week ago after yet another veiled remark about what she knew - I decided enough was enough. I went to her place and demanded to hear the words.. I wanted hard evidence. I got it. She began reciting verbatim some very personal and rather graphic emails.. as if she had memorized them, every word. I was decidedly very freaked out, then she continued on to tell me she had seen my online profiles, that she knew who I chatted with - what plans we made, and so on. So she apparently has my system reporting to her some how?

Anyone who knows about these things feel free to enlighten me. The conversation was filled with tears, some on my part and many on hers. She genuinely does not want to let go of what we were - even though for the most part it was at it's best smoke and mirrors. She swears she hasn't told anyone else, I don't believe that and I told her as much - still she vehemently denies it. Were it not for the fact that she once faked an entire pregnancy to keep me from leaving I might actually suspend disbelief - fact is that her story of how it was she gleaned the info from my system is riddled with inconsistencies and it involves at least 2 other people having access to every intimate detail of my online life, and boys you know there isn't much that I withhold.

If nothing else came of the conversation I was able to get it through to her that there was no chance we would ever be again. It wasn't hateful, or hurtful, it was just truth. For the first time in years I saw her accept responsibility for her part in the end of our relationship, it was cathartic - there were many things that I got off of my chest, things I had buried. I do believe on some level this had to be one of the most real moments I have ever had with her. We finished the conversation on a friendly note, for the first time in more than 2 years I hugged her as I left.. this was huge.

On the fourth I went to an annual cookout my x sister in law throws. My X was there and it was honestly an enjoyable day. At one point I was floating on a raft next to her and she started picking out guys for me.. OK that REALLY was just weird.

She found out about the shoot in Windsor as well.. and actually called me slutty. Coming from her.. well nevermind.

Back to the shoot. Wow it has been a few, that was an experience.. try and make it across a border here in the US without your birth certificate. I wanted to snatch the bitch in Canadian Emigration bald. Like I remember getting busted for weed back in 1981. Gah! Bitch!!!

At the top of the list of things I should not have done the day before - volleyball in a muscle t, three hamburgers and 2 hotdogs,Jaeger bombs, followed by the 2 Jethro bowls of cherios the morning of, and then the euro trash hair.. as well as every street I took to get there.. there are no actual roads in Detroit, just a maze of double wide sidewalks lined with vagrants, hookers, and crack dealers, augmented with detours and traffic barricades.. and well, I could rant on for paragraphs because that is what gay guys do.

Of 360 shots these were the only presentable ones. Since I shot my mouth off I am somewhat compelled to put them here.

I already hate them.

It's a REALLY humbling experience stepping in front of a camera, and for whatever reasons the photographer wants to shoot again for another project, and the book guy wants me, I'm supposed to get the details next week. He better get a Liz Taylor lens.

I've been seeing more of "P", the College Dean, he and I have great chemistry and a mutual fear of commitment. I feel safe when I am with him. He makes me smile, cares about my opinion and oh yes, he really looks hot on me. Med boy called.. he is running the place - I knew he would.

2005-06-23T18:06:00.000-04:00

The back story
"G" and I met online a few weeks ago. A 39 year old Automotive Designer, who was handsome, witty, sexy, and available. We met over lunch at one of my fav restaurants, and immediately there was chemistry. Having got my start in Prototype and advanced vehicle development he and I knew many of the same people, shared the same interest in cars.. I was pinching myself.

Then half way through lunch comes the confession. Seems a young guy "J" who I had recently met and he were "friends", and he went on to tell me that said young man was developing a real "love thing" for me. I was a little taken aback as I had only met the guy once for coffee, he then sprung the added surprise - the young man in question was far younger than he claimed to be and that he felt I should know.

Well, first of all, I had no plans to actually have more than a friendship with this guy, but after talking with "G" decided to make a break with the whole thing to avoid any further trouble. "G" then set the hook by telling me he had been skeptical about the raving that "J" had done about my looks, and how knocked out he was.. Lord I am such a sucker. We then resumed the small talk, and flirtation. After a nearly 2 hour lunch, I walked him to his car and kissed him hard.. no really he was.

Things not to do on the second date..
We chatted a couple dozen times online afterward, and spoke on the phone, set the next date. OK, so I starved/worked out hard for 2 days to look extra cut in a shirt you could read through and an ass hugging pair of jeans.. hence the triple crown of stupidity began. On the way to "G's" I told myself all the way there I was not sleeping with this one. When he started pouring cocktails I told myself I was only having one. I was going to play this cool and not do my usual spill my guts thing.

Second prong of the triple crown, - I never listen to me. 4 fingers of Captain Morgans spiced rum hit my empty body like a hit of morphine and all sensibility left the room. G was really sweet, we talked forever, right through the second and third drinks.. and the third prong of the triple crown fell.. heavy discussion involving a subject that hit very close to the bone for me.

Ahh yes somehow or another the conversation turned to abortion, a very private decision for the individuals involved which I support to a degree. IMO once the fetus has a heartbeat it is a human being. He was quizzical as to why I felt this way at which point the story of my daughter Sabrina just came spilling out... the babies in the ward at the time she was born some as young as 22 weeks, babies that lived. Before I could pull out of it the tears just fell like rain.

The truth is she was the single most profound moment of my life.. and I cry everytime I think of her. As humans we get no closer to perfection than a baby. As a parent, you are programmed to do everything in your power to keep them safe.. they steal your heart the moment you lay eyes on them and you are never the same again. When faced with a situation that is dire, in my daughter's case the fact that she was born at 26 weeks.. and the reality that things are so far out of your control, you convert helplessness to hope because it is all you have left.

I knelt every night in the parking garage praying that she would make it.. I spent every second imagining what she would look like when she grew up, picturing her personality, all conjured from little nuances found in her tiny face as I watched her sleep, struggle, and eventually slip away in my arms.

It just spilled out, lid off can - worms everywhere.

"G" was really sweet, he got all teary eyed watching me come unglued, said all the right things, and next thing I know - well so much for not sleeping with this one.

We spoke on the phone the next day and we were still both very much into each other, set plans to meet again.. and then while chatting with him I flip to "J's" profile noticing he had changed his pics - bleached his hair, curious I looked at the rest to find he was posed stark naked on "G's" Chaise, fireplace, and other familiar surroundings.. friends huh.

Well I of course couldn't just ignor it. While we in no way had even remotely implied that we were going down the ltr road or anything similar to monogomy, I did feel it was a bit odd that this young man's clothes had mysteriously gone missing within a day of our date. The blonde hair was the key to the time frame as I had seen the guy a day before the date and his hair was still very dark.

Aparently I was dipping in "G's" coolaid? My bad.

The only thing that makes me feel dirty is the fact I shared something real..

The next big twist

Stay tuned..

2005-06-22T15:53:00.000-04:00

Destiny
Ever wonder why things unfold the way they do? I keep wondering if there is going to be some magic point where it all makes sense. At times I wonder if there is not some unholy grail where everyone's futures are already written, for some, like some twisted Steven King/Danielle Steel novel. Fates already cast in stone, triumphs and tragedies just waiting to unfold. Some say it is all written in the stars.. funny when I look at them they don't seem hostile.

Tonight I am going on a second date with a guy I really like. I met him for lunch a few weeks back and had a really great time with him. He is funny and sexy, very handsome.. scary. I've put him off ever since. I'm almost afraid to wreck it with this second date.. what is it in me that seems to sabotage every prospective relationship. I get almost panicky when they show sincere interest. Maybe that was the real attraction to Med, even though he made it clear he enjoyed our time together, he never made a play for my heart, thus leaving the door opened for me to give him mine. Idiotic.

In so many ways I want to be someone's unforgettable moment, yet I am scared to death I will be.. how gay is that?! I skipped my therapist appointment today, and I don't think I will go back, mainly because I know when she finds out I sold my soul for thirty pieces of silver to my X the other day I will likely be fired as a client.. HA. So best I cut her loose rather than face such humiliation.

I have taken some pro-active steps to deal with my finances that some may find questionable.. and others may find HOT. I bounced it off of one confidant with mixed response.. I think she fell out of her chair and hit her head. I will keep it under glass until I know more. Suffice it to say I surprise even me sometimes.

I also got approached by a photographer to do some gay "Art" modeling.. I'm meeting him at his Studio in Windsor this Sunday to do a shoot. Speaking with him via phone, he is a well connected photographer, prominent in the area gay community, also serving on the Arts council. He also extended the interest of a friend of his in Florida who is doing a book on "Hot after 30", a photo/story table book set to dispel the idea that in the gay world one is "washed up" once one hits 30.

So it has been a weird couple days.. yes, even for me weird. The stars still look the same to me yet everything has changed. I wonder if the time will ever come that I look in the mirror and see what they see in me...

2005-06-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

All time highs and lows

Fathers day was great, my kids got me a PS2 I asked for 2 years ago.. hehehe, along with my favorite cologne, and most important- their company. I couldn't help but picture myself coming out at that moment.. hence a brief hyperventilation episode. They were so cool, the eldest is a very talented cook and took command of the BBQ, we sat and went through my daughters picture albums.. Nick my sons buddy came over along with Genvieve and a few of the other regulars.

My mind kept drifting to a young guy I had chatted with the night before, during the course of the chat he revealed that his father had recently passed away of cancer.. suddenly he went from prospective date to a guy I just wanted to hug.. right there in the middle of Father's Day, for the Dad who I'm sure wanted nothing more than more time with him.

I'm getting settled one man out of sight but never far from mind. I ventured out on the net last night.. so many adorable guys, and all so young. The guys my age are chasing them.. and due to my own brood of chillens I find I am really conflicted with my desires. I have never been good at saying no, and my God these guys are just too much.

So I dance around the ones that are just too young.. yes I do have some restraint. I stumble across a young guy I dated a few times months ago. A 25 year old molecular Biology major.. shuddup. We meet at his place and he wants to go for a walk, grabs a bag and we are off, fantastic night for it, still balmy from the day of sun we had. We caught up on life while he lead me through the labyrinth of houses in a very upscale neighborhood.. I asked him if we were going someplace inparticular.. he just grinned.

Some 20 minutes later we are standing at the edge of a highschool baseball field.. he tugged my hand and we made our way to the dugout.. HOT! Next thing I know I am buck naked in the middle of the field over a hottie, pounding home plate for all it was worth.. YAY! I love baseball!!! Afterward he confessed he had been harboring this fantasy since he was 15. I felt so honored to be the guy he chose to live it.

But all fantasies give way to reality.

This morning I am faced with a stack of unpaid bills and a trust attorney who tells me it could be never.. The job I am working on right now is between projects and I am considering a return to working for Satan.. I just don't know if I can keep from killing him. My X calls, says she knows I am hurting for money, she has my back child support and will give it to me provided I agree to meet her for lunch and discuss our daughter's current boyfriend.. seems she has issues with him. I'm guessing she has been pumping my youngest son for information and knew I am hit. I never wanted her money.. but need is overtaking what I want. I feel like a complete hooker, and agree to meet her.

Damn she is good.. she even calculated about how long it would take before I started sinking. My Father has no idea how elaborate her plans can be - he simply did what she knew he would do, just as I just finished doing what she knew I would do. Time to take extreme evasive maneuvers into consideration. I can't ever let this happen again.. it makes me want to slit my wrists being this predictable and vulnerable.

All through lunch I got drilled over the fact that I pamper my girl too much, that this boy is no good, that I need to put a stop to this, that and the other thing.. my mind went numb after the hello, and every inch of me wanted to throw myself under the wheels of a bus. A hot latin guy walks past and our eyes met and locked for a moment.. she cuts me an icey glare.. never again. If I have to lay down for money it won't ever be for her.

So there it is.. from feast to famine, ecstasy to shear agony.

I feel SO dirty.

2005-06-16T16:50:00.000-04:00

Happy Sweet 16 Baby!!

16 years ago today I stood teary eyed holding your warm little body in my hands, all snuggled in a pink cashmere blanket.. your tiny fingers gripping my finger tip.. you were so perfect I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.. you were struggling to get a good look at me too, and you sort of smiled.. well they said it was gas, but we know better.

You have brought me such joy and happiness, and I'm watching you evolve into this vivacious, brilliant, strong, gorgeous, talented, phenomenally funny human being.. some days I feel so unworthy of the gifts you have given me. From the skinned knees to your staring role as a daffodil in the kindergarten play, to cheerleading and rollerskating.. even the first time a boy came to the door, I was and always will be the proudest Dad who ever lived.

So today you are a "woman" in so many ways, I looked in on you this morning, silky locks strewn around the pillow, so angelic when you sleep. You'll always, always be my baby... it's a law ask any Dad. For all that I have or ever will accomplish in life, you will always be the closest I will ever get to a masterpiece.

I love you always.

Daddy

2005-06-12T09:52:00.000-04:00

A weekend without

So. I took a break from visualizing the end of the world as I know it to send Med boy on his way, no doubt I am going to miss him. OK I confess, I cried.

This weekend was sort of different shades of blue.. Took the girl child to the Mall and dropped her off to buy a small pair of coasters joined by floss otherwise listed on the reciept as a "bikini". She is every bit the exhibitionist her daddy is.. THIS is so NOT a good thing.

Sweet guys keeping me company, who take time from their day to tell me I am gonna be fine, followed later by OUCH, ahem, other gifts from the LUSTY! -Who needs Manhunt lol. Well I almost got dressed to almost go to a club.

Funny thing when your emotions sneak off with some hot young Doctor while you aren't paying attention, I'm always so carefull, do they sell condoms for that sort of thing? They should. It occurs to me I may want love more than I thought I did.. now that is scary.

I have to work today, got a car going to show - it is not however going to be sticky like last night.. hehheheheh *sigh*

2005-06-09T00:21:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad, bad, boy.
And I am loving every minute of it. My thing with Med is going to be interrupted, and it makes me sad. He is off to the windy city to start his residency next week. I plan to go and see him, but it was so nice having him close.. I think I let something silly happen and the distance will be the acid test.

Thank you guys for all your kind advice.. I know you are right, I've just been waiting for the right time.. knowing there won't ever be one. It's silly I know - that I am so afraid.. I know it has to come, and I feel like such a coward. I have carried this for so long.. it's like a part of me and I just cant let go.

Monday night the bitch trick fucked me into meeting her. She had some insurance papers that pertain to my daughter and wanted to go over the upgrades I asked for in coverage.. she has a bloody sneaky way of making the whole thing sound like my idea, it blows my mind that I keep falling for this crap.

The insurance matter took all of ten minutes and we were back to my secret.. that bitch is so smug. Then focus shifted to our daughter, and decisions that I made that she takes exception to. It got heated and I made a remark to the effect that maybe I wasn't the "best" thing in the world for her but that I was all she had. This was twisted by the following day.

I came home to my daughter very angry, asking me if there was something I needed to tell her. I felt sick.. my mind was racing, I asked her what she was talking about - she said I should know. I felt like I was choking. Then she said that my X told her all about my plans. I thought my heart was going to stop.. then she said my X told her that I was suggesting she (my X) take her back. I was both relieved and furious.. by now in tears. I am never talking to that bitch again. I have to do something soon.. I can't take another moment like that.

My therapist "C" threw her hands up in disgust when I told her what had happened, saying that if I were going to keep up the ridiculous encounters with her that we might as well throw in the towel.. Let me tell you it is a truly desperate moment when your therapist gives up on you.

We hashed things back and forth.. and at one point I said that my X had an uncanny way of making me feel sorry for her, inspite of the fact that she had fucked me over to the endth degree, at this point "C" made the astute observation that she felt I had the "Patty Hearst Syndrome", wherein the abused actually begins to not only excuse the aggressors behavior, but takes on the added position of defending and catering to them. YAY. Is there a pill for this?

We of course ran out of time -

I suspect it's begun. My Father hasn't returned a single call in over a week, coincidently my bank account is also reflecting a problem, and when I contacted my rep at the branch it's confirmed I am cut off again. Oh. And my house is sold. Nice to find this out from what is for all intents and purposes a complete stranger. I'll be going to see dear old Dad tomorrow.. this should be interesting.

I can't seem to pull my head out of the sand.

2005-05-27T23:54:00.000-04:00

A night at home
It's Friday night and I am perched at the screen.. no manhunt, no gay.com.. just chatting with a few guys who were trying to con me into getting dressed only so I can get undressed again - not tonight. Then, swooping in from the darkness - Damon, half of my dream team, pops in to say hello! I am SO GEEKED! (Insert my best pornstar grin here.) These two guys Damon and Hunter, are not only Ad-gorgeous, but hella sweet!

It's been a crazy couple weeks. Against all your best advice in an act of sheer stupidity and fear, I dropped the PPO against my X. I am just not ready for the backlash that I know is coming once I am out - even though I know in my heart I won't be free till I am.

My house went on the market this week, in this economic decline we are in no telling how long it will take to sell, and the way the trust was wired the proceeds will shift back to the trust. My Father at this point still retains complete control of the trust which leaves me at his mercy. I don't so much rely on the fund for day to day living - however the sale of that house and the proceeds are a key to get me far from here.. if this news gets out before I can make this move my plans to relocate to SanDiego are history. I am screwed.

I know the X is up to something, and I suspect she has leaked some info to my Father.. which is in itself just messed up, I don't know why he still talks to her. I called him over some business with the house and got a 25 minute lecture on how I have been going out too much, too much time at the gym, too much time online, and neglecting my daughter. I allow her to live beyond her means (wtf?) and that I spoil her too much. 2 things that will piss me off quicker than quick got ready, talking down to me, and picking on my kids. But the thing that really smokes my ass is that the entire conversation was like a tired replay of everything that evil bitch has said to me in the past 2 weeks. I'm not sure what else she had to say to him but he was cold as ice.

So it's coming ya'll - It is almost palpable. After having been screwed over so many times by this petulant child I was married to all those years, I can feel it coming. What she refuses to see is that her part in my world is finished. I haven't answered or returned a call from her and I wont. Not anymore.

If she spills before I have relocated, I will still make the move. I will do whatever it takes to see to it that this will be the very last incursion she makes on my life. The gloves are off.

2005-05-17T18:25:00.000-04:00

WOODeve

Ever feel like your life has been kidnapped by your dick?

Lately I feel like one giant flaming ball of horny. Yet - I am still holding back, like if I ever really let go I may never get a grip again. My Initiation on Manhunt lead to what can only be explained as a freakish pile of hunnies. IF I were to "meet" every one of them I could easily make up the full 25 years of straight in one year if all the right people died in the right order.

But that won't happen. I have no doubt been getting some but that would just be silly. I think I am way too old fashioned for that. Right? (Sinister smirk here)

I had a cute ghost from the past come back to bite my ass the other night. "T3", you'll recall was my 19 yr old Freddie Prize'esque encounter of the nubile kind. He has hit me up a dozen times since, and my blanket reply has been sorry I can't.

The other night he asked if I would meet him for coffee.. harmless enough. He continued by asking me to meet him in the music aisle at Meijers near my place which I found odd but given his penchant for rather bizarre meeting rituals I went along with it.

I get there - no him. I am standing there browsing the aisle and I notice a very pretty young girl, brunette, Very Rachel Weisz, in fact her twin. The girl stared holes in me, and just when I was sure she was going to ask me to marry her.. she was gone. "T3" never arrived.

It never occurred to me. I found out too late that "T3's" Girlfriend had hacked his AIM password, and in fact staged the whole meeting. SO last night had some rather unfortunate drama. I feel awful... sneaky bitch, kudos on the detective work.

It all unfolded while I was chatting with my long distance hawtie, and getting plastered with offers of criminal sex from Manhunt LOL! OI. Like an idiot I am trying to do the polite thing and answer all the pretty mens, and they kept trying to "Manhunt chat" me which for some reason kept causing fatal errors on this broken turd of a computer of mine. Loverboy , makes the astute observation I am over my head and says "Close the damned thing." LOL! Hahhahaha! A "Britney" moment later and no more crashes... he is so smart.

Before I did though.. I got a message from an old MAJOR crush of mine - the man who would be "R", a guy I wanted in the worst way, who I accidentally sent a link to my old blog which apparently scared him off. He blew me off back then, shut me down. I was so mortified I shut down my blog.

Last night he was all about me. I felt oddly validated for a second, every other word in his email was "sexy" and "Hot" - then I felt elated at the prospect of another chance.. then at last my self respect kicked in as did the idea I will leave him twisting like he did me. What can I say maybe there is some jilted bitch in me after all.

I went back to the chat screen with the real guy in it..

2005-05-16T09:34:00.000-04:00

MonGAY morning.

After a splendid weekend spent with my daughter and her entourage (8 giigling teen girls) I spent much of the time hiding in my room.. hey, they actually expected me to COOK.

An online honey directed me to view a profile on Manhunt LOL - dang nobody tells me these things??!! I open an account and vioalla! I systematically begin saying hi to every horny gay boy, boi, man, and pig in SE Michigan. Lord.

The pic above is one of only 2 visible in my profile.. I took it to further corrupt the virtue of my Crunch who gives me the sweetest gift every day.. that smile on my face. Dammit Marc I will totally be making you pay for my botox injections should I suddenly require them.

Truth is perhaps the very thing that kept me youthfull is the fact I have done so little smiling. I do it alot more these days. Should I worry? Nah.

Well not to miss the opportunity to post yet another compliment fishing expedition - shuddup.. this is the other "public" pic I've learned it is hard to smile and flex my abs.. how odd.

2005-05-11T15:22:00.000-04:00

Part II
Sorry to leave ya'll hangin. I've no doubt whatever that she is blackmailing me.. funny I guess I knew it would come down to this. I've been in sort of a daze for a week now. I guess when she didn't hang me out there months ago when I moved out, I thought I was in the clear.. That's what I get for thinking.

I'm faced with choices I don't want to make, I'm not ready to make, and fighting the urge to bury my head in a pillow praying it will all just be over with. I hate her for this. She is back to calling me every day, and jambing my voice mail. She must really believe I'll do anything to keep this secret. I'm so angry with myself for having let corner me like this.

I'm not ready for this, my kids aren't ready for this, it will hurt them no matter what.. and I guess the thing that rocks me most is that she doesn't care. To her they are simply game pieces that she moves around tho board while trying to take me down. It makes me cringe to think I spent all these years with someone that despicable and black hearted. What a tragic waste of time.

Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best idea is to do nothing. Much like the evil bastard that taught me about the dark backside of secrets all those years ago - my X doesn't know it but she exists in a state of mutual destruction, as I am sure if she does out me it will explode in her face... sometimes they really do shoot the messenger. If she doesn't, I know the time is near that I will tell them. I'm building the strength to survive the inescapable losses that I know are coming.

Every train wreck eventually grinds to a halt. They rescue the survivors, tend to the wounded, and bury the dead.

Stupid is as stupid does..

2005-05-06T07:06:00.000-04:00

I should know better.. my therapist is confounded by it as well, but I can't seem to lock my X out of my life. I started talking with her this week over another issue going on with my middle son, which then trailed off into some issues arising out of the PPO I have on her, and for some fool reason I accepted an invitation to lunch. In my defense - she said she had something that she urgently needed to discuss with me and didn't want to do it over the phone.. something in the tone of her voice.. I don't know, I am such a pushover.

Within minutes I am up to my eyeballs in sob stories over what the PPO is causing her - ie violation of her probation, my response should be something like "Tough shit", but I continue to listen.. and then the conversation takes a twist.

Her: I know you don't believe it but I need to have you in my life, I want you to be happy.. don't think I don't know about your secret, I have made what you do my number one priority.

Me: What?

Her: I know when you come and go, I know who you go to see, where you go, what you do. I know when you wake up, I know when you go to bed, I know where you are and who you are with when you are supposed to be at the store..

Me: Blank stare

Her: You don't have to worry - I won't tell anyone ever.. but I need you to know I want you in my life no matter how, I want you to be happy.. do you want to talk about this??

Me: Blank stare.. tears

Her: I have known for a long time, and I can accept it, I just need you to know it doesn't change anything about the way I feel for you.. No matter what I will always be here for you. I know what you want, and I am content to be whatever part of your life I can be, just don't shut me out because I can't live with that.

Me: Why would you do this? Why did you bring me here?? Is it time to finish me off?

Her: It isn't about that.. I want you to know you can talk to me, I know this hasn't been easy, and you are going through hell.

Me: Blank stare.. tears

Me: I have to go.

To be continued..

2005-04-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

Frequency

It is one movie that guarantees to choke me up.. and make me think. What if you could somehow go back in time and undo things..

OK time to back up here for a sec. A month ago I made a really sweet young friend who I dubbed Sexymod. There was an unexpected twist in this new friendship.. it turned out that he was fast falling for me.. and I felt like such a tool. It never occurred to me he could, and my presence was making him doubt some life decisions he had made, important ones.

I had explained when we first met that I had just finished a nasty divorce and was in no way relationship minded, as we chatted something about him just disarmed my most basic defense mechanisms, I led him into my world, including this place where I share things that I normally share with no one, never thinking it would happen that he might get hurt.

The irony is that I found myself falling for him too. If this had happened 20 years and a world apart he is totally the kind of guy I could have spent a lifetime with. But fate is often cruel and things don't always happen the way we would like them to. He is poised to go places in his career, his world is comprised of things I dreamt of when I was his age, and takes him to destinations and experiences that he should and will share with someone who has his same freedom.

The leaps I have made over the past few short months dwarf the past year. I have been a busy man.. and trying to keep the some of the details from him has definitely changed the way I write here. He knew I was seeing a few guys, and I think he began to think that if he gave up his decision to remain abstinent that I would change my mind about going further with him.. and what is worse is that I think he may have done something silly to this end. It would kill me to think I had a hand in that.

What he needs to know is that I'll always love him as a friend, but I can't ever let myself be more than that to him. It would only result in hurting him, as there is no way I can consider a relationship right now, and I know that he will find that guy like me who is his age and can run away with him as he makes his climb.

Even if it were possible to go back in time.. there are too many things that I cherish that I would lose if I undid what is done, and how could I ever choose that.

Goodies make the boys jump on
OR my big GAY assed weekend!

A date with "P", meeting him at his apartment, sweet man, slim dark haired, dark eyed, and funny. Sexy combination. We had a drink and hailed a cab taking us to
Necto aka the Nectarine. Much half naked dancing and drinking, a proper group grope by a bunch of young hotties that are way too young.. some truly shameless muscle flexing whilst cooling off in the outdoor courtyard and poor "P's" fate was sealed. My abs do look pretty bloody hot when I am soaking wet with sweat. YAY!

I about broke the poor boy when I got him back to his place.. he did his best to keep up. I drifted off to sleep wrapped around him, waking at 4:30 AM to scurry off so as to be home when Tiffany woke up.. the little bitch waited up for me.. I am grounded.

SaturGAY night.

"P" called and had me meet him at Club Gold Coast, which turned out to be an absolutely treacherous ride.. I hate this state, there is not a single fucking road that is not under construction, and I am directionally retarded anyway. I got there, the dancers were for the most part a snore, save one very HOT dark haired boy who had a flawless body..*sigh* I somehow wound up with my hand in his ass floss. I am pretty sure given a 10 minute conversation I could have left there with him.. damn.

"P" had a friend meet him there - young guy very large frame, he jokingly made a remark about the three of us and an orgy.. I laughed and said goodnight.

SunGAY
A quick chat this AM with "Med" (a med student I have been.. seeing), who is blonde, blue eyed, smooth and bloody gorgeous, YES he is also too young - but hell I think they all are and this one is just too pretty to ever say no too. It left me speeding to the other side of town for totally pornographic "I am so going to hell" Sabbath day sex. I'll repent the speed limit I violated, the two old ladies I cut off, the NO TURN ON RED that I ignored.. but coming through the door he left unlocked to slide in behind his tight naked body - nah. I love the way he moans my name.

Dear Lord,

When he moves to Chicago next month, please replace him with like kind quality.

Amen.

2005-04-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

My give a shit is broken

It's Monday and I am late hell for work again . I will have an argument with Satan (my boss) again this morning, but this one will be different. For nearly 2 years I have waited patiently for this ass hat to put together my new facility.. I got moved in on Thursday, and still no heat or running water, and no sign of the equiptment on my list.. color me pissed.

SO. While I do feel some level of responsibility to complete the half million dollar albatross I am currently doing for him - it does not extend to the degree I am willing to drive a block to relieve myself.

My X has at last been put at a distance, the court date resolved that she will attend anger management classes, get psychological counseling(ha), make restitution - IE pay for the damages to my truck and the restaurant, and will be placed on probation for an undetermined period of time in exchange for my cooperation in dropping the charges down to misdemeanor assault.

She showed up in court looking positively old and fat, on the arm of her boss.. my daughter is right he does look just like Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. What a dork. She cut me an evil grin on the way into court.. very Glenn Close...yikes! For a second it made me want to rescind the deal and have her ass locked up. But this is the end with her.. I've not had the curse of vindictiveness yet and I don't want to start now.. it would require dedication of time I want to invest in other men.. I mean places.

I'm feeling stronger, and ya'll have been here with me propping me up when I am down - I'm humbled and grateful, and proud that you make me part of your world.

2005-04-18T00:54:00.000-04:00

The blues

How is it that when hearts break there is no sound.. How can it be that God gave sound to almost every other thing and function, yet for emotion there is just mind numbing silence. You would think a heart breaking would sound like a thousand angels softly weeping... but I suppose the world would be a very noisey place if emotions had sound.

I came out to my therapist at last.. it was just as scary as I thought it would be. She is a really fantastic lady, and said it was an honor to her I finally trusted her enough to let her in. I've been going over in my mind for days this long trek of mine.. so many twists and turns. Little more than a year ago I started seeing a therapist to help me summon the strength to end a relationship that was slowly killing me. The topic was love, and the fact I feel so unworthy of it. I can give it unconditionally without reserve yet I find it so difficult to accept.

For so long love has been a razor strap, something that has been used against me. When I was a child our house was an emotional vacuum, my mother was far too sick to be able to convey love, my father way too busy. Hugs and kisses were things I saw on TV, there were none in that house. I thought I had done something terrible to be so ignored, I was a sad lonely child, and life was very solitary.

I had my first gay lover when I was 13. Allen and I had been friends since kindergarten. Funny, cute, articulate and a romantic.. he saved things from everytime we were together, something I would later do for silly things with my kids.. ticket stubs, game tokens.. things that bring back that moment.

We were in a parochial grade school.. a place where such things were looked on as mortal sins. It was hard to reconcile going to hell for accepting his love. I was gay and in love before I had ever even heard the term, let alone understood it. I knew he loved me back, and to me that was just such a miracle.. so inconceivable. It seemed so impossible to me.. accepting his love in the face of religion that was drilled into us on a daily basis, a religion that taught that such things were greeted with eternal damnation. Fire and brimstone.. for the love of this boy, it left me in tears when I was in the dark and alone.

In the circle we traveled in at the time we were careful never to let on, often flirting with girls to keep the suspicion away.. then clandestine meetings in the woods behind the ymca and making out. hot, naked, tumbling in the grass. He wanted to go further than I was ready to go, in my head as long as I didn't let him do "that".. I had technically not completed a "Mortal Sin".

He was always the bolder one, and when he decided he had to come out, despite my begging him not to, it caused an explosion of a magnitude he never expected, his parents hatred and disgust was such that they shipped him off to some dirt track in Wyoming to "become a real man". It changed the course of my life forever, and we would never be together that way again.

In the days after he was sent away, his father and mother persisted in the hunt for the boy who had turned their son gay, phoning the parents of everyone of us who hung out together. Not a day seemed to go by in our circle that the subject was not front and center.. I was terrified. Fingers were pointed back and forth, and yet somehow they were never pointed at me. I felt awful for not coming forward and at the same time relieved everytime the target moved away from me.

Weeks later when I thought I was in the clear, walking home from a friends I ran across the older brother of another friend of mine in that woods. As I walked I could hear his steps quicken behind me, as I turned to see where he was a blinding pain shot across the back of my head, I went face down, and turned over as he kicked me in the face, and then again repeatedly in the chest and stomach.

I don't remember much else other than being dragged off the path by my shirt, the collar nearly turning to a garrot.. the whole way he ranted about knowing all about me, called me a dirty little cocksucker, and he knew what I liked. It seemed like hours but the whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes, he left me there bloody and half naked.

I would see him repeatedly throughout my school years, one look from him made me want to run. He said if I ever told he would be sure everyone knew "my secret" but actually we existed under an implied mutual destruction, I could just as easily have destroyed him. I heard he died in a drunk driving accident in the 80's. I always hoped it would be more painful and lingering.

If I felt like a Judas for not having stepped forward as the boy who would be queer, I accepted what happened as my punishment for not having been brave enough to stand up, and God's punishment for having sinned, falling in love with a boy. I spent the rest of my teen years going out of my way to be sure nobody would ever suspect I was gay. See the post "100 things" to see where that landed me.

Allen returned shortly before I married in 1979. We spoke briefly before the wedding and he tried to talk me out of it. He came to my wedding under protest, and shortly after moved away. We never spoke again. His man at his side, April 14th, 1995 he died of Aids. He took part of me with him.. it kills me to that our last words were tearful and bittersweet.

He is in every kiss.. I can still smell his hair.

2005-04-08T19:57:00.000-04:00

Wow
Has it been that long? I have been a tad caught up in other things lately. Thank GAWD.
I've met some very cool guys and things have been settling down at last.. the X has been busy licking her wounds, and has actually abided by the PPO.. WOW and that was all it took? Pinch me.

The preliminary court date is April 12th, I am dreading it because I know I will actually have to see her. I wonder if they can put her in one of those cute "Silence of the Lambs" outfits.. you know the waste and ankle manicles and the haute looking mask? I should ask.

Wow that was really GAY. More to come later.

2005-03-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

*Hicup*

Not sure how that happened?

2005-03-27T10:28:00.000-05:00

Where to begin..

I'm out of hiding. After nearly two weeks of pins and needles I have decided that there is no way I can keep running, she will only find me again anyway. Last week she was arraigned on charges, and during the booking they found another warrant in another city and shipped her over there post haste. She bonded out on that and back to our fair town for her date with the law - which turned out to be more of a brief interlude.. she was out by 5 as suspected.

While she was there she apparently had enough time to chat with my middle son, and send him back with some veiled threats. She crossed the line. What kind of person plants her kids in the middle of her next wave of nasty. I am forever amazed I survived all this time with her.

I'm done letting her knock my world off it's axis.

I have been dodging Matty, behaving like a schoolboy.. he is away at his folks for the holiday, when he comes back we have to have a serious talk.. I would never do anything to hurt him, but I think the time has come to cool it between us for a while.

A night to remember

After an afternoon with my little guy.. get your mind out of the gutter - I had plans to go to my first club with my truly FABULOUS guy. I couldn't have chosen a more charming stud to go clubbing with, although I wound up arriving way late because my little guy's mom didn't show up to get him and I had to drop him off.

Sexy Mod was ultra sweet about my late arrival at Pronto, we left there post haste and headed to Q. After a few chilly moments in line, we squeezed our way through the gaggle of men, got a couple cosmos on the way, and found a place to stand and take it all in. Sexy Mod was really sweet, I know he wanted to dance but he stayed with me - I was just glued in place LOL! I was such a geek.

I promised him next time we would arrive early and ply me with enough booze to get me on the dance floor, I am way more inhibited around men.. not sure why that is. Sexy Mod knew I was sort of knocked out by it all, I couldn't have had a more wonderful guy for my first time out. It helped too that he was looking ultra hot and as the guys fluttered around him he made introductions.. it is a cool thing to arrive with a hella sexy man at your side when hitting a gay club for the first time.

The contenders came and went and he never gave them an inch, the man has amazing restraint..they were all way hot. But Sexy Mod has reached the point where he has moved past all that, and he is looking for that part inside of them.. why is it men are so reluctant to show who they are inside? Sexy Mod brushed them off - looks alone won't impress him. *sigh* I feel so callow and silly sometimes when I am with him. I haven't reached his level yet.

I hoped I was not dragging him down with my constant online flirting, he is always ribbing me about my online activities - he seemed so sad last night as we chatted.. But this morning something utterly unexpected unfolded.. I've been such an ignorant, thoughtless fool.

2005-03-21T08:49:00.000-05:00

Mondays suck.
Or is it Sunday sucks and bleeds into the innocent Monday. I got guilted into dinner at my Mother's yesterday. Tiffany came down with something (ha) and I got stuck facing the musac alone. *sigh* "She means well." Got back and laid down for a second.. Matt had called, I was just too wrecked to move, went face down in the pillow and stayed there.

Today at noon I got a call from the detectives, they were phoning the X to let her know she is charged with assault with a dangerous weapon, and felony assault. She has an appointment to turn herself in on Wednesday.. YES, you read this right. Apparently one can phone in assault charges and set appointments for capture. Huzzah!

I took Tiffany to get her nails done and she is back into hiding at least till Wednesday. I had several blocked ID calls after talking to the detective, my X is not stupid. Got the final estimate on my truck as well - $3,300.00 that I am quite certain I will never see from her.

On the upside I'm told that Kevlar vests are all the rage. YAY!

2005-03-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

I am such a tool.

I was on with a new friend last night, he is a European Model,HOT,crazy sexy cool. Wise well beyond his years, he makes me laugh and think. I really want to meet him, he lives nearby, but I have to admit he intimidates me. He is handsome and funny, hella sexy, and way more together than I am right now. He cracks on me for hanging out on Gay . com, and I admit I prolly deserve it. I was on last night with another guy while I was chatting with him - the guy asks if I "PNP". (Plug n Play??) I'm stupified LOL!! So I am looking it up on google - yes I am that uneducated! ROTFLMAO! So SexyMod tells me what it is, TOO FUNNY! Ugh. And no.. I do not do drugs, I only act like I do. He thinks I am an idiot no doubt. He is probably right.

Life is exploding for me right now, so many things I don't know it is daunting, scary, hot, LORD! I am a big gay Forest Gump. I was on later with my
Crunch , who is also so much wiser than I - and I realized there is so much I need to learn yet. I'm like one of those calves you see on the learning channel - stumbling all over the place.

SexyMod has already been through all this, so has my Crunch.. and everyone else. I knew I would have dues to pay, just never expected I would be so slow to get up to speed. So tell me, how long does it take to behave like a rational human being again. I wasn't this awkward when I was 13.

Off to the gym.. to ponder and sweat.

2005-03-18T13:44:00.000-05:00

I am crawling the walls here.. I toyed with restoring my old archives but it would just be too damned much work, and I am playing hookey. However, this one post pretty much sums it up, taken from my old blog.

4.9.2004

101 things about me - cuz hey I am way cool too.

1.) I was an accident, a so called pill baby.
2.) Mother never let me forget that I was an accident.
3.) YES she is a bitch.
4.) I was artistic as a child.
5.) I would rather draw than do math any day.
6.) The teachers were not amused.
7.) I attended parochial school from K to 8th grade.
8.) I hated every minute of it.
9.) I knew I was gay when I was 8.
10.) I used to deliberately mutilate biblical verses during recitation to amuse my fans.
11.) Still the teachers were not amused.
12.) Tough crowd those teachers.
13.) I should have started this when I was 11.
14.) I got hammered on Jim Beam the same day I started smoking at age 12. Father had an awesome liquor cabinet.
15.) It got very messy.. Toby would have been proud.
16.) I puked all over the principles legs and into his loafers.
17.) I wanted to fuck the principle.. Puking, same difference right??
18.) I did my first hit of acid in 9th grade.
19.) My Science teacher was a FOX named Mr. Ryan, I feigned near retardation to get one on one time with him..
20.) He WAS amused and had no idea why.
21.) I had sex the first time in a tree fort 100 feet in the air. I was 12.
22.) When I was 13 my older brother charged admission to watch me fuck Lynn O. at the garage window.
23.) He bought an ounce of weed.
24.) I was amused. Columbian Gold WOOOoo fucking HOOO!.
25.) My cover as a gay teen resulted in my fucking 23 girls in Ninth grade. We can now afford angel dust.. yay.
26.) Nobody ever walked away without their cookie.
27.) I was an accomplished Fucker.
28.) Still my teachers were unimpressed.
29.) I was drunk and unconscious through most of Highschool.
30.) I quit polling the teachers - what do they know.
31.) I stole my Father's 69 Boss Mustang when I was 14 and buried it to the floor in mud.
32.) Father was not amused.
33.) I stole my Father's 74 Ghia when I was 14 1/2, Hit 2 poles, creamed both sides, bent all 4 wheels.
34.) It was loud.. FWAP FWAP FWAP!! Jesus. Woke the whole damned neighborhood.
35.) Some of them were amused.. *Takes a bow*
36.) At 15, Mother wanted to have the court declare me incorrigible.
37.) Father found it unnecessary to have a court confirm it.. KUDOS Father.
38.) I moved in with my friend Jacquie and her Mom Jeanne and Bro Peter at age 15.. Fuck you Mom.
39.) Peter was scandalously hot, I wanted him - he never knew.
40.) I was an artist, my specialty was abstract oils and subjects involved physical abuse.
41.) Jeanne was the only one to catch that.. She helped patch me up.
42.) Well she tried.
43.) I don't remember much of 16.. too many clubs with my older bro.
44.) I tracked the really good parties through the cars I wrecked.. Hey it was the 70's.
45.) The Secretary of State was not amused.
46.) In the 7 accidents I had by age 17 I was smashed in all of them yet have NEVER had a DUI or any other ticket.. The 70's had an up side - who knew??
47.) No one other than me was ever injured.. although 3 cars were totaled.
48.) I hunted the one I call my wife on a dare.. She was mine by graduation day.
49.) I cried when I got her knocked up. I was barely 18.
50.) Beneath the drunken closeted gay debaucher there was shockingly a kid who wanted to be a good Dad more than anything in the world. Screwed that closet door shut.
51.) I am crying now.
52.) Against my family's wishes, I was married November 10th, 1979 before 400 witnesses. A drunken good time was had by all.
53.) I dropped out of College to work in a factory and support my family - again fuck you Mom.
54.) You can tell Mom and I are close right??
55.) My Son Shaun was born before my eyes on the 14th of April 1980, I cried really really hard.. I was hit from the moment I held his hand.
56.) I found out my wife was a very crazy violent bitch shortly after. Too late.
57.) Son Ryan, September 7th of '81.
58.) Son Christopher October 3rd of '82.
59.) Through these years I learned you can love someone in ways that have nothing to do with sex, that there are other things that eclipse the needs of one. I also learned that when they betray you it still hurts.
60.) In '88 I learned that women are capable of heinous things when faced with the potential loss of security.
61.) The consummate actress, my wife faked a pregnancy to block me from leaving her.. she rode it right to month nine before confessing.
62.) By the time she confessed she actually was 2 months pregnant. Tricky bitch.
63.) My daughter Tiffany arrives June 16th 1989. I vowed to spoil her rotten, well you know me and vows.
64.) YES I am crying again. Shuddup.
65.) I endured my wife's emotional blackmail, reckless spending, innumerable lies, back stabbing, 2 affairs, drug abuse, physical abuse, mental torture and yes regularly serviced her sexual requirements forsaking all others all the while being a closeted gay man and never stepped out of my role for 24 years.
66.) Learned that even I have limits, that for every lie I accepted part of my self respect died a painful end.
67.) Ran out of self respect, substituted self hatred.
68.) Restoring/painting antique cars was my vocation and I loved it.
69.) In 2000 My wife upon learning I planned to divorce her again popped up pregnant, I was livid convinced it could not be mine.
70.) I insisted on an Amnio. I am so fucking smart.
71.) Don't know how but she was mine. I was so fucking confused.
72.) Sabrina was born 3 months premature on September 12th 2000, at 1 lb 7 oz. She was gorgeous.
73.) She died in my arms October 10th 2000.. I will never forgive myself. Ever.
74.) I am crying again - I can't be doing this right.
75.) My wife resumed her thing with wonder boy, I let her lie to me.
76.) After 8 years of this shit I celebrated with an attempted suicide.
77.) January 3rd 2004, independence day, get out bitch.
78.) This is way more difficult than it looks. She of course refused to leave.. go figure.
79.) A week later at 236 lbs I begin my trek..
80.) I have lost nearly 70 lbs.
81.) She is not amused.
82.) Ya I give a shit.
83.) The funny fucker in me is trying to find his way back.. he RULES you know.
84.) Stepping back - when I decided to start buggering the girls I read everything I could get my hands on.. I am way anal and have to be best at everything I do.
85.) I am now reading all of you in an effort to be the best yet again.. you better know I will blame you if I suck or don't.. Oh you know what I mean.
86.) Yes that was really funny.
87.) No one in my life suspects I am gay accept my Mother.. she does not count.
88.) I work out every day twice a day.
89.) My body now?? Think Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 1.
90.) Yes boys. It really is that good.
91.) I feel things deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve.
92.) This has been used against me..
93.) I am down to medical information.. gah!
94.) I broke 12 teeth in the last and worst car accident I was in.. Yes they are fixed.
95.) In 95 during a fight with "N" she grabbed my coat then released it - I went down a 1/2 flight of steps and ruptured 4 discs herniated 2 others., wheel chair, 2 surgeries, 2 months in hospital, 1 1/2 months learning how to walk again, 18 months in physical therapy.
96.) In 97 when remodeling the house I nearly severed 3 fingers on a table saw. I am so clever.
97.) Living with someone I can't stand hurts more than any of the above.
98.) God and I talk a lot - he never listens.
99.)(whew) I almost forgot I am also a Poppa - SHUDDUP up lmao!!! Justin is going to be 3 in July.
100.) I adore my kids, they are what I did the best.
101.) I am not afraid to be sappy or emotional.. when you've had a thousand strange medical people playing with your parts embarrassment no longer exists - or is at least a subjective thing. For this guy who is moving minute to minute you people are helping me in ways you may never comprehend, I'm just in awe.

Much Love,
Scott

2005-03-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

Bah!

I am still in the dark as to what is going on with the charges against my X, this makes day 9. At this point she no doubt feels secure that nothing over and above the PPO is coming, which will make her all the more furious if/when they do finally take action. I tried all afternoon to reach the prosecutors office and was repeatedly parked on hold until the call was disconnected. Welcome to the system.

The X has already violated the PPO, she has been trying to get my daughter to see her - she knows fucking well the PPO extends to her, and she is simply trying to see how far she can push me I am sure. I'm holding off in hopes they will pick her up today, if it hasn't happened by 4:00 PM I am changing her number again. I could I suppose be a prick and report her for calling at all - but I don't want to represent as being petty, and would just like these idiots to do their job. I have been pretty much off work since this happened, and I need to be back to work on Monday - even Satan has his limits.

I've curtailed all romantic quests as well, poor Matt thinks I have dumped him despite my best efforts to reasure him. I just don't feel comfortable with the prospect I may drag an innocent party into danger. Last night I had a car follow me all the way from the gym to the entrance to my apartment.. I spent half the trip gropeing around in my truck for something to swing. It slowed as I moved to the left turn lane.. sort of like he couldn't make up his mind what to do - then pulled past me. It was too dark to see the driver, and all I could think was this is it - in my mind I pictured the bullets blasting through the glass. Then I just sat there.. feeling sort of stupid. I'm puting my attorney on this today.

I want to fly away.

2005-03-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

Cliff hanger

Days spent on pins and needles waiting for the charges to get leveled, still nothing. I have arrainged for my daughter to be hidden away, she leaves tonight. I want to cry just thinking about having to send her away, but I just cant take any chances. I'll sleep better knowing she is out of harms way.

I spoke to the prosecutor for the county yesterday, she told me the felony assault is going ahead and they are looking at a possible attempted murder charge, then told me that they will have to give her a personal bond because she has almost no criminal history - accept the drug charges from last year. I told her that left us sitting ducks, she said well if she comes near you she will spend the rest of the trial behind bars..

My next of kin will no doubt rejoice.

2005-03-14T01:19:00.000-05:00

Boy kisses

Matty wasn't mad.. not even a little. I am going to have to be careful with this one, he is definite boyfriend material. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I don't think I am anywhere near being ready to commit. He is a gorgeous guy, well built, 6' 5", lips that make me all kindsa hot, dark bedroom eyes.. mmmmm. I love to talk with him, he makes me smile - and he thinks I'm all that. But he is very young, and while it may not be an issue now, it's a given it will be later. I'm content to enjoy now.

The loon is still on the loose, and if they don't have a real snappy answer as to why, I may be retaining Jeffrey Fieger and suing them into the next millennium. I've established through my sources that she knows I am pressing charges, and if they don't lock her up this will no doubt just add fuel to what is already an inferno.

It is bad enough to have to endure the cynical looks from the cops that showed up at the scene, that aww the big strong man can't handle his woman thing. But it isn't just me they have left unprotected here, and that pisses me off to no end.

My daughter is in more danger here than even I am, as she knows the one thing in this world that would destroy me would be loosing her. I've made arrangements to move her to her girlfriends uncles, her girlfriend is going to keep her company. I just cant take any chances.

It infuriates me that even out of my life this shrew is still encroaching on my freedom. No one should have to live in fear.

2005-03-13T16:43:00.000-05:00

The coolest things in life.

I had a really fantastic chat with Smart Sexy Guy last night... HOT. It's official, I have my first online crunch.

I've had a lazy weekend, I stood my poor Mattyliscious up last night, and I fear he is rather pissed off. It wasn't intentional, I sat down to watch a video the boys brought over and just went out like a light. *sigh*

Today is for my guys.. the ones that really count.

2005-03-10T08:24:00.000-05:00

YEAH BABY!

It's official!! Kiss me I am SINGLE!!!!!!

The drama was huge, it always is where my EX is concerned. "N" didn't take the news very well, not sure what she thought the outcome was going to be - but the post divorce Olympics began post haste.

I stopped at my mother's on the way back from court, I was honestly in a state of near shock that it was finally over. I had called "N" from the courthouse to let her know - she screamed and the phone went dead. Sweet.

So I am making some calls from my mother's place, sort of gushing, couldn't stop grinning, when the door blasts opened and the sound of glass breaking on the foyer granite broke the near Disney like scene. Cruella De "N" came storming down the hallway to the kitchen screaming all the way. Mother's eyes were buggin as "N" burst through the door and began an almost incomprehensible recitation of expletives.

Knowing this would freak my mother out - I pushed past her through the door, through the broken vase in the foyer and out the door with "N" right on my heels. Once outside, she continued ranting, seems she hadn't expected the judge to grant things on the spot. I did tell her she didn't have to be there - which was true. She didn't. It's over, it has been over, yesterday's proceedings were strictly making it official. My bad.

She grabbed me by my coat and started slamming me off the glass doors, I was amazed at the strength she had, at this point my Mother was standing on the other side of them - I yelled at her to get back thinking they could explode with the next slam. I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back and headed down the walk to my truck, "N" right on my heals slamming me in the door as I tried to climb in, grabbing and punching at the back of my head. "I am going to kill you and then myself." echoed between the houses, I wiggled in and pulled the door shut hitting the power locks. Fumbling with my keys - she ran to her car. I backed out - she squealed out and maneuvered behind me, I thought she was going to ram me. She rang in on my cell as I started down the road,

Her: "You drive to the park right now and talk to me or I swear you are a dead man"
Me: "I am not going to talk to you anywhere secluded, if you want to talk let's go to a restaurant"
Her: "I said the park NOW mother fucker"
Me: "Uh NO."

She chased me for several miles, lightly bumping the back of my truck, sliding along side swerving at me. It was lunch hour rush, I kept getting trapped in traffic, she kept tagging me from behind. It was bizarre. I tried to out run her, but she is way crazier than even I imagined, and was running traffic lights and rolling over curbs to get back up to me.

I dialed 911 heading down the main street in our city, 5 lanes undivided, she phoned in before the call went through and my cell phone locked up.. suddenly BLAM She rammed me, the sound was just horrific, I looked up to see her car was really hit - hood peaked a foot in the air, headlight panel out.. she kept coming, and ringing my phone. I sped up - now at around 60 dodging through traffic, she was right on me in seconds, I couldn't believe she kept coming, just then an old woman moved into my lane, I slowed a bit and BLAM she rammed me the second time even harder, the back end of my truck slid around and I was now cutting head on into oncoming traffic, cars locking up everywhere, I came across three lanes hitting the curb on the opposite side, now airborne I sheared off a restaurant sign wheels coming down just feet from the dining area, my truck stalled as it came to a stop across the entrance.

I jumped out and ran into the restaurant, I was shaking, at this point people were pressed to the glass - I grabbed a server and asked to use the phone. I just about lost it at that point.. as soon as 911 answered I started coming unglued, I could barely talk. Within minutes there were squad cars everywhere. Apparently the driver of an F-150 that had quite nearly hit me broadside as I crossed the lanes had stopped and also called 911.

She is a fugitive this morning. She is charged with felonious assault with a motor vehicle, and she is still on the loose. I left the scene and drove straight back to the same court I just left and secured PPO's for myself and my daughter - in one of what seemed like a thousand calls from her during the 20 minute chase she said she was going to take away everything in my world that meant anything to me, kill me, then kill herself.

I believe she will try.. yesterday made me a believer. If the ground had not been soft when my truck landed, tires digging in, I would have slid right through a crowded restaurant in all likelihood killing everyone in my path. No one with that kind of wreckless disregard for life should be free.

She is truly insane.

I just phoned my daughter's school and warned them, and I am off to the Sherrif's to get the PPO's served. I'm not that soft guy she ruled anymore.. and if she comes at me next time she better take carefull aim because she is going down.

2005-03-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

Lets get it on..

I feel really up these days, everything used to scare me, I used to worry about every detail of my life.. I'm learning that some things are just unaffected by my concern, which has left me feeling more in control than I've ever been. Does that make sense?

I feel like I am growing into this new skin, feeling things, seeing things differently than I ever did before. No I am not on drugs.. shuddup. Lord, dare I say it? I am at peace with me.

I met a lot of really hot sweet guys lately, even my own tall dark 25 year old Mattyliscious. I'm less than 24 hrs. from a decree, I am not seeing a downside even though I am working harder and harder to keep it all going. I'm so afraid, I've not been happy like this before, and I am scared to close my eyes at night for fear something will explode in my face with the coming of the next day.

It's been said "Be careful what you wish for you may get it." - What if what you wished for really WAS what you wanted?

2005-03-04T08:05:00.000-05:00

Other farewells

I don't remember whether I recorded it here or not, but back in December amidst all the chaos leaving the house, I had a rather enlightening conversation with my younger bro.

For a year I had blamed my parent's ambivilance on my wife and her manipulations. Turned out my little bro was behind it all, he accidently tipped his hand in that conversation. I was both sickened and livid. It was bad enough he knew what I was dealing with.. I'm a big boy. More importantly he knew/saw what it was all doing to my daughter. He left her in harms way, and all for the sake of money. One day I hope he chokes on it.

I haven't spoken to him since, I have ignored his requests to meet and discuss the matter, as far as I was concerned there was nothing further to discuss. Being the arrogant little shit that he is, he couldn't just leave it at that. He left a rather foul voice message on my cell yesterday, then as usuall wussed out and would not return my calls.

So. I did what any writer does.. wrote him a letter. The shortlist of people who can kiss my ass grows.

In other news

I took this pic yesterday for my profile on Gay . com - upon entering the chatroom it caused a shark bait like responce... SWEET. Well, it was until the 20th chat window opened up and I was loosing track of whom I was hot for LOL!

I can't multi task.

2005-02-28T09:37:00.000-05:00

Karma

I dedicate this mornings entry to my ex, who made yet another impassioned plea for a last chance, followed by more poison. What cracks me up is that she thinks I don't know her little friend is still in the picture, and I am not giving her the satisfaction of telling her I know. I make light of it - but keep in mind I was preppared to deny myself, and live "straight" for life had she simply been faithfull, and when I think of the time I waisted it still burns.

I guess for me the part that hurt most was the betrayal by one who was my best and I thought almost only friend. I know what a contradiction it is, she made me feel ugly, unworthy, and I let her convince me I could never have anyone else.. that somehow life would end without her. In spite of how it looks here I still feel ugly.. Some scars take a really long time to heal. It's a horrible thing when you give someone that kind of power.

So to you my darling - much love.

Weren't You The One That Said, That You Don't Want Me Anymore.
And How You Need Your Space, And Give The Keys Back To Your Door.
And How I Cried And Tried And Tried To Make You Stay With Me.
But Still You Said That Love Was Gone, And That I Had To Leave.

Now You, Talkin Bout A Family
Now You, Sayin I Complete Your Dream
Now You, Sayin I'm Your Everything
You Confusin Me
What You Say To Me
Don't Play With Me
Don't Play With Me.

Cause What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back

I Remember When, I Was Sittin Home Alone
Waitin For You, Til 3 O'clock In The Morn
And When You Came Home, You'd Always Have Some Sorry Excuse.
And Explainin To Me, Like I'm Just Some Kinda Fool
I Sacrifice The Things I Want To And Do Things For You
But When It's Time To Do For Me, You Never Come Through

Now You, Wanna Be A Bond Of Me (Eyyy)
Now You, Have So Much To Say To Me (Heyy)
Now You, Wanna Make Time For Me
What You Do To Me.
You Confusin Me
Don't Play With Me
Don't Play With Me.

Cause What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back

I Remember When, I Was Sittin Home Alone
Waitin For You, Til 3 O'clock In The Morn
Night After Night, Knowin Sumthing Goin On
Wasn't Home Befo Me, You Was, You Was Gone
Lord Knows It Wasn't Easy, But Believe Me.
Never Thought You'd Be The One That Would Deceived Me.
And Never Do Wha U Was Supposed To Do
No Need To Hose Me Fool, Cause I'm Ova You

Cause What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me
What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
Gotta Stop Tryin, To Come Back To Me

What Goes Around, Comes Around.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down.
It's Called Karma Baby, And It Goes Around.
What Goes Around, Comes Around,
What Goes Up, Must Comes Down,
Now Who's Cryin, Desirin To Come Back To Me

Alicia Keyes

2005-02-27T21:12:00.000-05:00

I am stupified.

This past week has been quite simply insane. It's as though someone turned on a big neon GAY AND AVAILABLE sign over my head.. like all the sudden they get me. Not sure what happened but damned if I am not enjoying it. Today at the gym, a cute guy named Christopher, with whom I have been playing eye tag for weeks walked up and introduced himself.. yowza. Then tonight while shopping I was getting cruised by the cutest young guy.. and yeah this one I know was young. *sigh* I can't wait to hit the clubs around here - at least then I will be semi sure I won't go to jail right? March 9th can't get here quick enough.

Today the Architect hit me up on AIM again, apologising and insisting we need to meet. Hmm. Then within 5 minutes of his logging off T3 hits me up too. I don't know what to make of this.

I am going to patch again tonight.. I really want to quit smoking and now that the troll is at least at arms length, I may even get past the stress.

Say a prayer.

2005-02-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

The hook up Part II

I've been rewinding yesterdays events in my head all day.. I think perhaps I am not only naive, but all too trusting - and yes perhaps a tad too wreckless. OK, I am an idiot.

The hook, or the Gay. com follies.
The Architect was supposed to have met me the day before yesterday, and was a no show. Keep in mind I have never seen anything other than a few pictures which had his face very obscured. At the scene of our rendezvous yesterday (Starbucks), there was a silver Audi A4 parked curbside just outside the window I was seated near. The Architect drives an A4. As I sat there yesterday waiting for him my eyes were on that car almost the entire time.. well that and T3. I missed the person getting in the A4, probably while I was flirting with T3, but as it backed into the car behind it I did notice it was definitely a female behind the wheel.

T3 left Starbucks after the A4 hit and ran - yet at least 10 minutes before I left Starbucks.. and he was just pulling out as I left? This guy was pretty, and sweet, but in no way would you ever guess he would pursue a perfect stranger that he did not KNOW was gay to tell him he was hot.. call it a hunch, based on the fact he seemed to be shitting himself that I said yes, and the fear his girlfriend might find out.

Now, let me do a little inspector Clouseau. Horny little gay teen cruises Gay.com, finds me - AIM's me and strikes up a convo as the Architect. As our conversations progress he sends me pics, face obscured - perhaps the ill gotten gains of another quest he is pursuing. He is not sure whether I am for real - so he hatches a scheme to get a closer look without having to commit. For whatever reason (cold feet?) he blows me off for our first meeting - or did he? He could have been there - I wasn't looking for the vehicle he wound up driving, although my money says something went wrong with plan one, perhaps the girlfriend.

Anyway - he sets the second meeting to coincide with a date of sorts with his girlfriend and perhaps friends, The girlfriend who happens to drive the A4, (In all probability her dad's, who actually IS an architect?) He meets her at Panera Bread next door at 4:30, I arrive at Starbucks at 4:45. He excuses himself and tells her he has some studying to do, and wants a crappachino and quiet, leaves her with their friends and comes next door to get a good look at me.

He decides he wants me, his eyes were popping the second he sat down - it was really sweet, he already knows I am Gay and looking his way. Not willing to just let me amble off.. those jeans have never failed, He follows me, flirting his ass off all the way. I did exactly what he hoped I would do.

I don't know whether I should be pissed or flattered. At this point I am leaning towards the latter. At the worst, he did what I might have done at his age if I were in fear that the guy I was meeting was hiding some serious age related flaws. At best? If there were any they didn't bother him AND for a day.. OK 11 hours, he handed me a bloody glorious fantasy.

Reality set in when he hit me up on AIM this morning.. I had added him, but I had never told him what my screen name was LOL! The little bugger hit me up without ever even asking if it was me. I guess it is sort of sweet.. in a "Mrs. Robinson" sort of way. Oh GOD.

He wanted to come and play this morning.. it took everything I had to say no. I asked if he were available over the weekend, and he said no - he was headed for Chicago. Then, he asks if I go to any clubs here.. seems his girlfriend likes clubbing at gay bars, and he asks me to ignore him should we ever meet at one.. Hmm. I am intrigued.

The dilemma. He is definitely into me, and it's a twisted thing but I am into him too.. do I do the "adult" thing and shut this down, or do I go the scantless route and play through..

This is what the comments section is here for - don't be bashful.

2005-02-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

The morning after..
Still no remorse.. Looking back over the past year, it really was all about yesterday. All these hours killing myself at the gym, getting rid of the guy I used to be all came together in that parking lot. I know how callow and vain that makes me sound and I hate it, but if I am nothing else I am honest.

No I hadn't quite figured on 19, but the overall package of the guy was straight out of my "10" pages. Those pages of men stored away in that book in your head, the ones you fantasized about from the begining.. mine is really jambed. The whole scenario from yesterday was the answer to a thousand silent prayers uttered in my head every time I see a guy from those pages.. I can't quit grinning. The boy made my year.

2005-02-24T18:15:00.000-05:00

A monster is born.

Sweet mother Mary on a crutch. I am waiting at Starbucks for the Architect, who was supposed to be meeting me at 5:00. I got there 15 early so I got a blackeye and pulled up a chair near the window. The arsenal: Clingy black sweater, A&F button flys, black leather jacket, and my Docs. I get comfortable, listening to the blonde 2 tables over rip on some poor sob over his half of the rent - angrily flipping her cell phone from ear to ear.. it was scary lol.

Anyho, I'm sitting there for what seemed like forever(10 minutes), and this really cute guy ambles in, he gets a crappachino and sits down across the room from me. He was really cute, dark hair & eyes, P coat and jeans - about 5'10" slim - he got my attention bending over real slow to plug in his laptop. He keeps gazing my way and raising his brow with a little grin - I figure he is also amused by the blonde, who could not seem to shut up.

Another cute guy comes in and sits behind me - the architect is now 10 minutes late - I'm getting a tad pissed, (the little bastard stood me up yesterday) Still the guy across the room is glancing my way every so often, then packs his laptop and leaves. 15 minutes late - fuck him, I get up and leave.

I get in my truck and start around the corner through another lot and onto the street - laptop guy is pulling out from an adjacent lot.. couldn't miss him.. he had his eyes on me the whole time I past him. Up the road, hang a left and cruisin, laptop guy pulls along side me - again with the look. Hot.

This went on for miles through several turns - then he jumps in front of me and turns off into a lot.. he turns around and stops there while I am caught at the light, then pulls out behind me again. Not sure what his deal is, but it is sinking in. I pull off at a drugstore - he shoots by then turns into the next entrance and sits there. I sit - he sits. WTF.

So I pull out again all the while thinking damn I should have just rolled along side him. Hit the station a mile away for gas, then doubled back. Guess I knew what he wanted I was just to chicken to be the one to step up - enough of that. Hoping he was still there I start back down the road and see him 8 cars up headed back towards Starbucks - he sees my truck and it's off to another lot. Hell ya.

I pull in along side him - the window goes down,
Me: "what's up?" I ask (original)
Him:"You are fucking hot, I was praying you would come back"
Me: "Cool- I thought I was imagining things!
Him: "You know someplace we can go?
Me: (Your kidding right?) "Hell yeah - follow me!"
Him: "Where we going?"
Me: "My place."

I'm freakin, this guy is way hot, - we are 2 minutes from my place and my daughter is at her friends.. SWEET! We pull up at my place and I tell him if anyone shows up, he works with me at the shop..

Him: "Cool, dude you are so hot! I was on my way to meet my girlfriend and saw you pull out - I just had to try."
Me: "Your lucky day man, the asshole I was supposed to be meeting stood me up for the last time." (Thinking.. OH HELL YA!)

Once in the apartment he landed on me, man he had the softest lips.. It was all clothes flying and panting.. he had the sweetest mouth. All peeled he had the swimmer thing going on, well endowed and ready to bounce. Half way through I'm thinking damn.. it's so cool when all your hard work pays off.. he is all over me, and I am lovin every minute of it. Pinching myself where he can't see it.

We steamed the place up and deflowered my bed, he says: "My name is T3, and stretches his hand out to shake mine.. I laugh and grab it, pull him down and plant a hot kiss on him, -

Me:Uhh - T3, How old are you?
Him: 19.. I'll be 20 next month.
Me: *gulp* stunned look.

(Visual aid)Him: How old are you?
Me: Laughing
Him: Grinning "What?"
Me: I am so going to HELL.

Note to self:

Always ask for ID before accepting HOT SEX from pretty mens.
It's official, I am a very Wicked Man.

But.. they beat the alternative.

2005-02-24T00:54:00.000-05:00

But.. they beat the alternative.

When one door closes - two others open. "T", is apparently back with his ex, yet under the new agreement they now have an open relaitionship.. Part of me is thinking I should put some distance here, part is thinking, Damn he is cute.

Yesterday he was moving on, today he is all about play. Sweet. But then again so is T2, the 22 year old Architectural consultant, and "P" the 37 yr old college administraightor. Life is crazy.. stay tuned. I love being a guy.

Trust

2005-02-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

Guys are so fucked up.

Missing you..

2005-02-21T06:24:00.000-05:00

I'll miss them.

Every once in a while people pass through your life in this medium that leave a lasting impression, Geek Slut and Billy were 2 guys that I will truly miss. With this net based world we travel in, we share a glimpse of each other's worlds, laughs, hot sex, losses, lunacy, points of view.

It's a rare gift sometimes taken for granted. I've stumbled through some of my life's toughest moments right here, and at times when I felt more alone than ever sharing their worlds and yours made this trip somehow less lonely. I wish them both every future happiness.

Never dull.

2005-02-20T08:25:00.000-05:00

Things that make me go hmm.

I'm slowly Forest Gumping my way around catching up on all my favorite Blogs, Toby is of course a natch for the top of the list. I'm really not sure why, I mean yeah he is hot which doesn't hurt, but beyond that there is some strange allure. Charisma, yes there is that too, but more than that there is evolution, watching a young man unfold. Having three sons I find this most intriguing. Lastly there is that ever present uber bitch attitude that I am inexplicably amused by - perhaps it's the arrogance of his youth that turns me on. Eh whatever.

I read Toby's post, commenting on Secret Simons situation and found his direction as usual surprising. Not offensive, just surprising. Seems Toby, who has in the past mentioned his hurt in the notion his Dad can't accept his sexuality, has some issues with the idea that a guy can be married, have kids, and then deal with his sexuality. In fact the longer I am "in" the more common I am finding this. Perhaps it is his candor that draws me there, because this issue is looming large for me as well.

My boys are his age, my daughter another issue altogether. The thought of loosing them horrifies me. The possibility is real. I raised them to be accepting, tolerant human beings - yet this is different.

To Toby it seems apparently unfathomable that a man could marry, have kids, and then deal with his sexuality. My answer? Not all of us are as brave as Toby. Many of us are like water, following the path of least resistance, doing what our world dictated, doing what we thought was right. Toby is true to himself, perhaps to me that is the most endearing thing about him. He had/has the hutzpa to grab it all by the horns, fuck what people think. Toby did it right. Right?

Toby's sentiments on this reflect judgment. Judgment that he feels his father hands down on his life and choices, held separate from the ones he makes on others. If I were Toby's father, I would be proud that I raised a confident, self assured man - revel in his accomplishments, secretly laugh at his antics, pat myself on the back for having done my job well..

However, I would not be telling him I was Gay any time soon.

Acceptance and tolerance are often subject to judgment and delivered on a double edged sword.

PS. On an unrelated note, does anyone know what Toby did to fix his elbow?? I seem to be suffering the same affliction. Ouch. Moving from 45 to 50 lb. dumbell curls last night by right elbow is now in agony.

Here we go.

2005-02-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

Shameless self promotion.. yup!
Alrighty then. Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by the crazy lady. OH yeah. The woman was on to me ya'll, and in fact may have evidence of sorts to "out" me. Whatever.. bring it.

So, on December 7th, having grown weary of her tirades, and in the face of a few violent altercations where the vapid bitch actually physically attacked me - I phoned my lawyer, fired him, retained a new lawyer, rented a really great apartment, and phoned her to let her know I was checking out. My attorney was drafting a custody agreement, and I asked her if she were going to be a big girl and sign it, or did I need to have her served. Long silence, followed by a chain of expletives shrieked in an octave similar to that screeching music from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's infamous movie, Psycho. Cool.

I have to admit I enjoyed it immensely, and wish I could have seen the look on her face. I head to the gym, do my thing and get a call from my youngest son, who is frantic and begging me not to go home because she is there throwing dishes, ranting and saying she is going to kill me. Stellar.

My daughter was at the movies - I tried to raise her on her cell to stop her from going home.. too late. She is at home with the crazy lady. SHIT. Crazy hears her on the phone to me and decides to conduct an inquiry, when my girl told her she wasn't talking - the ex decided to try and choke her.

I dropped the phone and called 911 en-route. In the meantime she calls my parents telling them she intends to kill me.. big mistake. By the time the dust cleared that night I had my daughter secured and my ex in the mental wing of our local hospital - she feigned an attempted suicide. I woke at 6 AM to her on my chest whispering "Time to die mother fucker!" Needless to say I wigged and sat up knocking her to the floor.

I attempted to grab my computer, she promptly picked up the hardrive over her head and spiked it off the floor. Nice. Then she doused my bed and the floor with the bottles of Captain Morgan's left over from my attempted suicide the year before.. ironic. Later that day under police escort my daughter and I left the house, stuffing our clothes in my Exploder by the arm load.

A week of insane phone calls, faxing lists of belongings back and forth, I show up to pick up my stuff. More arguing yadda yadda yadda. I spend a week and a small ransom replacing everything I didn't take. Home free right? Yeah you go with that.

When I went to change the info at my Bank, in person mind you, I made it very clear that my ex was a future axe murderer, and that my info was to remain absolutely secret. The idiots mailed a "Confirmation of change of address" to my house, thereby giving the crazy bitch my exact location.

More weeks of arguing, several custody agreement drafts, she finally signs off after I agree not to make her pay support. I have to go by the house to pick up some more junk, she asks me why I haven't hung any artwork at my apartment yet.. I'm like HUH? Have you been looking in my windows??! Her - "No, I have been in your apartment." Color me freaked out.

Turns out she snuck passed the security doors behind another tenant, my daughter had left the apartment door unlocked - she let herself in and toured my apartment at her leisure WHILE WE SLEPT. SO. I tell her if I see her at or around my apartment unannounced or uninvited again I will have her arrested.. well she replies that she has rented an apartment in the complex NEXT to mine..WTF!

In short, the bitch is stalking me. She phoned me out of the blue last week as I was driving home from the furniture store in the middle of the day, my new box spring strapped in the hatch, wanting to know what that was hanging out of my truck. I am not amused. A week later my son and I are having coffee - she phones wanting to know if we are having a good time. Alas it is her word against mine, so legal remedies are pretty slim. I tell her to get off my nuts, or I will enforce the child support issue and nail her for alimony as well. She doesn't call me anymore with my whereabouts, but trust, she is watching.

In addition to this - skipping back a tad here. While she had my computer, she had her boss download the entire contents of my hardrive - which contained mucho dirt no doubt. She has made several veiled remarks regarding my "secret" - and well, whatever.

In the meantime - much bliss has been found. The silence has been remarkable, my daughter is thriving at school again, and we are happy.. REALLY happy. I've met a few hot guys, gone on some great dates. Life is bloody glorious.

I talked to my attack dog Dianne, who's nickname is "The Snake", and she is pressing to get this settled on March 9th. In 2 short months she has performed the miracle that other cash grubbing swine could not, and I have half a mind to sue him. But I am to fucking happy to get wrapped up in a suit right now.. unless "T", my brand new man is wearing it.

He lives a ways from here so we will have to take turns commuting, but he is fucking hot and well worth the trip. Suddenly life is very sweet. I took him to dinner the night before last, this guy is just too cute. At 33, he is a taller leaner, prettier version of Heath Ledger. We are not exclusive - but there are the building blocks for something more than sex.

Somebody pinch me.

On the physical front - I am adding some mass having finally gotten past my fear of food.. shuddup. My chest is up 2", and I feel great.. gah I am sickening here LOL! Sue me. I worked my fucking ass off and have just about reached the promised land.. and it is sweet ya'll, sweeter than I can put into words.

Mindless my ass.

The archives.
Well some day if I get Really, really bored.. REALLY bored, I may take the time to restore them.

Not so Mindless.

2005-02-06T11:15:00.000-05:00

Yes I'm back.. didn't think I would just evaporate did ya?? This past few months have been hella crazy. I can't wait to catch ya'll up!! I'm sure you've been on the edges of your seats.